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SCHEDULE: December 2016

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Thursday, December 8

6:00 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Mammary Lane
Carrie baby-sits for the boss' son; Doug tries to make friends with the new shoe girl (Rachel Dratch) at the bowling alley.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Business Affairs
Doug gets jealous of Carrie's gay co-worker and worries about the strength of their marriage.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Flash Photography
While at a wedding, Doug plays a lewd joke with a disposable camera.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Flame Resistant
Carrie finds out Doug's high-school sweetheart (Lola Glaudini) still keeps in touch with his mother.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Vas Deferens Between Men and Women, A
Complications ensue when Donna decides she wants another child; Rallo lands the lead role in a local production of the musical "Annie."
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
'Tis The Cleveland To Be Sorry
As Christmas approaches...Cleveland pretends to be homeless after discovering that food at a local shelter is better than the meals Donna prepares.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but Stan's obsession with guns gets in the way. When they try to work out their differences at the shooting range, Hayley accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Spies Reminiscent of Us
Actors Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase track down a spy hiding in Quahog; Peter, Joe and Quagmire start their own comedy improv group.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Got A Brand New Bag
The Griffins ridicule Brian when he begins dating a 50-year-old woman.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Story of the 50, The
When Schmidt's plans for his 29th birthday fall apart, Jess takes charge and enlists the help of her school's party hungry vice principal. Meanwhile, Nick begrudgingly brings his new girlfriend to Schmidt's party, and the gang wonders who placed a 50 dollar bill in the douche-bag jar.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Jess & Julia
Nick panics when Julia doesn't want to put a label on their relationship. Meanwhile, Jess enlists Julia to help her get out of a traffic ticket, Winston reconnects with a former booty call, and Schmidt is baffled as to why his shower towel is always damp.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados Part 1, The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados Part 2, The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fatigues, The
Jerry's new girlfriend has a mentor; Elaine must fire a troubled employee.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Checks, The
Jerry receives bundles of small residual checks from his Japanese TV appearance.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Past and the Furious
Caroline is shocked when she receives a Lamborghini for her birthday, which her father ordered for her four years ago. Meanwhile, Oleg plans something special for Sophie.
TV-14
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Move-in Meltdown
Max, Caroline, Earl and Han help Oleg move into Sophie's apartment, until she begins turning away all of his stuff.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Crime Ring
Max and Caroline are arrested for breaking into a cute guy's apartment to retrieve some rings Caroline left there after she spent the night.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Euclid Alternative, The
An intervention is used to try to force Sheldon to overcome his fear of driving.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem, The
Sheldon, and his friends, are mystified when a younger undergraduate student is attracted to him.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Panty Pinata Polarization, The
When Sheldon bans Penny from the apartment for numerous minor infractions, she decides to retaliate. Howard and Raj search for the America's Next Top Model house.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lizard-Spock Expansion, The
Sheldon wants to use an alternate version of rock-paper-scissors to help resolve conflicts. A girl (Sara Rue) Wolowitz has a major crush on falls for Leonard.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7968
Guests: T.J. Miller, Melissa Rauch, The Lemon Twigs
TV-14
12:00 am
Billy on the Street
Miracle on 34th Street with Andy Samberg!
Billy is joined by Andy Samberg to play the brand new game Was At My Wedding or Possibly Killed Tupac
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7968
Guests: T.J. Miller, Melissa Rauch, The Lemon Twigs
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Chicken Roaster, The
A celebrity opens a chicken restaurant in Jerry's neighborhood.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Eraser
It''s Federal Marshal John Kruger''s duty to keep witnesses hidden within the government''s Witness Protection Program safe. Now he must protect Lee Cullen, who inadvertently uncovered a scheme to deliver one of the most advanced super-weapons ever developed--the rail gun--into hands that could shift the world''s balance of power forever. What she doesn''t know is that the conspiracy reaches the highest levels of government and industry, and the players involved will stop at nothing to keep her from exposing the truth. Kruger is matched against an unknown challenger whose cunning skill equals his own as he guards Lee against the conspirators. As Kruger himself falls under suspicion as the traitor within the program, he sets out to prove his innocence to Robert Deguerin, his mentor, and Beller, the head of the WPP. In a world where allies could be enemies, Kruger and Lee come to trust only each other as the deadly players in the conspiracy close in on them, and time continues to run out.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
Al's Dodge goes into the car wash, but doesn't come out.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
Al and Peggy plans and good intentions or their 25th wedding anniversary are upset.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
 

Friday, December 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats' music video.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
When Steve dumps Marcy to become a park ranger, ever-supportive Peggy talks her into a Las Vegas vacation with Al. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Connect Four
Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to join them at a Knicks game.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Loaner Car
Doug persuades Carrie to help Deacon prepare Thanksgiving Day dinner.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Golden Moldy
Doug downplays a problem in the basement so he and Carrie can still go on a trip they have planned.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hustle 'N Bros
Cleveland is shocked when Freight Train adopts Donna's ex-husband, Robert; Junior and Rallo track down lost dogs and use the reward money to pay a debt they owe Donna.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Wide World Of The Cleveland Show, The
As Cleveland and his family travel the world...in Italy, Cleveland must choose between Junior and Rallo to run "the family business;" in Mexico, Junior insists on having a Quinceanera, even though it's for girls; in Japan, Cleveland builds a robot to attend Junior's eating competition.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join a women's organization, only to discover that she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself, while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
It's Good to Be Queen
Stan seeks revenge for being the focus of a prank during his high school years by showing off that he married Francine, who was the homecoming queen. However, when her title is revealed to be a mistake, Stan's pride gets the best of him and goes out with the real queen.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hannah Banana
The Griffins discover that the evil monkey in Chris's closet isn't so evil after all; Stewie befriends Miley Cyrus, who turns out to be an android.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Landlord, The
Jess goes against Nick's wishes and makes it her mission to get the loft's cantankerous landlord to like her. In doing so, she inadvertently jeopardizes their living situation and the guys are forced to admit they've made some unofficial changes to the apartment. Meanwhile, Schmidt tries to decipher what he thinks are mixed signals from his boss, Kim.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Valentine's Day
Single for the first time on Valentine's Day, Jess convinces Schmidt to be her wingman as she attempts to have an attachment-free fling with a handsome stranger. Nick's romantic plans are foiled when he finds himself spending more time with Julia's law firm assistant than with her. Winston becomes one of the girls when Shelby invites him over on the holiday.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld: Happy Festivus
Millennium, The
Newman nixes Kramer's millennium-party plans; Jerry obsesses about his position on his girlfriend's speed dial.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld: Happy Festivus
Red Dot, The
Elaine's alcoholic boyfriend resumes drinking; Jerry is the unwitting cause.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld: Happy Festivus
Pick, The
Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld: Happy Festivus
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
White Asparagus Triangulation, The
Sheldon is overexuberant that Leonard finally has a girlfriend (Sara Rue) matching his high standards.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vartabedian Conundrum, The
Leonard seeks Penny's counsel when his relationship with Stephanie (Sara Rue) takes off faster than he'd like. Sheldon's hypochondriac tendencies get the better of him.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bath Item Gift Hypothesis, The
Sheldon irks the gangs with his obession with proper Christmas gift protocol. Lenoard's crushed when Penny dates a colleague of his.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Killer Robot Instability, The
Penny's criticism of Wolowitz's romantic life pushes him into depression and AWOL for a fighting robot battle the rest of guys are depending on him for.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Algorithim, The
Looking to get friendly with Barry Kripke to gain access to a piece of high-tech lab equipment, Sheldon develops a flowchart process to make friends.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Financial Permeability, The
When Sheldon loans money to Penny so she can pay her rent, it leads to Leonard coming face-to-face with her ex, Kurt.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Search Party
Night of One Hundred Candles, The
The crew makes waves at Chantal's vigil, where Dory is intent on telling the parents that she saw their daughter.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Search Party
Captive Dinner Guest, The
It's the dinner party from Hell when Dory and Drew invite Portia and Chantal's intense ex-boyfriend over in an effort to get some answers out of him.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
Mexican, The
Jerry Welbach, a reluctant bagman, has been given two ultimatums: The first is from his mob boss to travel to Mexico and retrieve a priceless antique pistol, known as "the Mexican"... or suffer the consequences. The second is from his girlfriend Samantha to end his association with the mob. Jerry figures alive and in trouble with Samantha is better than the more permanent alternative, so he heads south of the border. Finding the pistol proves easy. Getting it home is another matter. The pistol supposedly carries a legendary curse--a legend Jerry is given every reason to believe... especially when Samantha is taken hostage by a hit man to ensure the safe return of the pistol.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Hit and Run
Charlie Bronson is a nice guy with a questionable past who risks everything when he busts out of the witness protection program to deliver his fiancé to Los Angeles to seize a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity. Their road trip grows complicated when they are chased by the feds and increasingly dangerous when Charlie's former pals, a band of gangsters, enter the fray.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens Part 1
After winning a magazine sweepstakes, Peggy takes Al and the D'Arcys on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens Part 2
After the sinking of their cruise ship, the Bundys and D'Arcys are left to fend for themselves at sea.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, December 10

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Opera, The
Unaware her beau is a mad stalker, Jerry takes Elaine to the opera.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Virgin, The
Hours before a network meeting, Jerry and George draw a blank; guest Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Contest, The
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine vie at self-denial; guests Estelle Harris, Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Airport, The
On a flight, Jerry meets a beauty, while Elaine sits next to a smelly guy.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Visa, The
A deportee (Brian George) blames helpful Jerry; Kramer returns from baseball fantasy camp.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Movie, The
Jerry tries to coordinate two comedy appearances and a movie with friends; guest Tom La Grua.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Rush Hour
As the FBI scrambles to save the life of the kidnapped daughter of the Chinese Consul, the diplomat hires trusted Hong Kong police detective Lee to find the girl. Unwilling to have their investigation invaded by a meddling outsider, the FBI assigns a rogue LAPD detective to keep Detective Lee away from the case at any cost. Carter, the detective, covertly embarks on a one-man crusade to solve the case, having first distracted Lee. Within hours, Carter realises he has greatly underestimated his Hong Kong counterpart, who has seen through his ruse, given Carter the slip, and landed in the middle of the FBI's investigation. Both excluded by the FBI, these two cops from very different worlds must join forces to save the young girl.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Rush Hour 2
A Hong Kong trip turns into a working vacation when two detectives stumble on a counterfeiting ring.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Capacitance, The
A visit from Leonard's mother (Christine Baranski) ends up bringing him and Penny closer.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cushion Saturation, The
Paintball leads to a squabble between Sheldon and Penny, as well as romance between Howard and Leslie.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Fred Claus
Fred Claus has lived his entire life in his brother''s very large shadow. Fred tried, but could hardly live up to the example set by the younger Nicholas, who was just a perfect, well, saint. True to form, Nicholas grew up to be the model of giving, while Fred became the polar opposite: a fast-talking repo man who''s run out of luck and money. Over Mrs. Claus'' objections, Nicholas agrees to help his brother on one condition: that he come to the North Pole and earn the money he needs by working in Santa''s Toy Shop. The trouble is that Fred isn''t exactly elf material and, with Christmas fast approaching, Fred could jeopardize the jolliest holiday of the year.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Lego Movie, The
Emmet is an ordinary, rules-following, perfectly average LEGO minifigure who is mistakenly identified as the most extraordinary person and the key to saving the world. He is drafted into a fellowship of strangers on an epic quest to stop an evil tyrant, a journey for which Emmet is hopelessly under-prepared.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Special (DVS)
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
Bitter and hateful, the Grinch is irritated at the thought of the nearby village having a happy time celebrating Christmas. So disguised as Santa Claus with his dog Max made to look like a reindeer, he raids the village to steal all the Christmas things.
TV-G
8:00 pm
Special (DVS)
Elf's Story: The Elf on the Shelf, An
Chippy is assigned to a family that includes a boy who is questioning the magic of Christmas. When Chippy finds the assignment a bit challenging, his good friends, Santa, and an unexpected child help him remember why his job is important!
TV-G
8:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Fred Claus
Fred Claus has lived his entire life in his brother''s very large shadow. Fred tried, but could hardly live up to the example set by the younger Nicholas, who was just a perfect, well, saint. True to form, Nicholas grew up to be the model of giving, while Fred became the polar opposite: a fast-talking repo man who''s run out of luck and money. Over Mrs. Claus'' objections, Nicholas agrees to help his brother on one condition: that he come to the North Pole and earn the money he needs by working in Santa''s Toy Shop. The trouble is that Fred isn''t exactly elf material and, with Christmas fast approaching, Fred could jeopardize the jolliest holiday of the year.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
December 5, 2016
North Carolina: don't let the bathroom door hit you on the way out.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
People of Earth
Last Day on Earth
Gerry says goodbye to StarCrossed as he counts down to his own long-awaited "experience." Jonathan Walsh shares game changing information with Ozzie. Don and Kelly go on a date.
TV-MA
12:00 am
Search Party
Night of One Hundred Candles, The
The crew makes waves at Chantal's vigil, where Dory is intent on telling the parents that she saw their daughter.
TV-14
12:30 am
Search Party
Captive Dinner Guest, The
It's the dinner party from Hell when Dory and Drew invite Portia and Chantal's intense ex-boyfriend over in an effort to get some answers out of him.
TV-14
1:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Knock Off Knockout
Max and Caroline get into a legal battle with two teens who knocked off their cupcake T-shirts and sold them.
TV-14
1:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Great Unwashed
Max and Caroline learn that one of their customers at the diner is a successful photographer who is keeping a secret.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Eurotrip
Have you ever pressed "Send" on an e-mail and immediately wished you could get it back? Scotty Thomas and his Berlin-based computer pen pal, Mieke, have been writing each other for years, sharing every detail of their lives. When Mieke makes a ''cyber pass'' at Scotty, he completely freaks out, thinking that this guy he''s known for years is coming on to him--in German no less. Too bad the one detail Scotty doesn''t seem to know is that, in Germany, Mieke is a girl''s name. By the time Scotty figures out that Mieke is a girl, and a hot one at that, Mieke has cut off her e-mail account and all contact with him. Thinking that this might be his one chance at true love--even though he''s never actually met the girl--Scotty and his best friends, Cooper and the twins Jenny and Jamie, embark on a raucous trip across Europe headed for Berlin. Their trek takes them from London to Paris to Amsterdam and Eastern Europe, exposing them--literally--to every lascivious, larcenous and lecherous indulgence Europe has to offer, in a comedy that gives new meaning to the phrase "foreign relations."
TV-14
 

Sunday, December 11

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Outing, The
Jerry tries to refute reports that he and George are lovers; guest Paula Marshall.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Shoes, The
Jerry and George struggle to keep their idea for a TV series alive.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Old Man, The
Jerry, George and Elaine volunteer to help senior citizens; guest Edie McClurg.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Pineapple Express
Process server Dale Denton has a grudging business relationship with the laconic Saul Silver, deigning to visit only to purchase Saul's primo product--a rare new strain of pot called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps the Pineapple Express at the scene. When it's traced back to him, Dale and Saul run for their lives--and they quickly discover that they're not just suffering from weed-fueled paranoia. If they survive, these two just might become real friends. All aboard the Pineapple Express.
TV-14
11:15 am
Movie (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
1:15 pm
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Blended
After a disastrous blind date, single parents Lauren and Jim agree on only one thing: they never want to see each other again. But when they each sign up separately for a fabulous family vacation with their kids, they're all stuck sharing a suite at a luxurious African safari resort for a week.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Wedding Crashers
Divorce mediators John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey are business partners and lifelong friends who share one truly unique springtime hobby--crashing weddings! Whatever the ethnicity of the wedding party--Jewish, Italian, Irish, Chinese, Hindu--the charismatic and charming duo always have clever back stories for inquisitive guests and inevitably become the hit of every reception, where they strictly adhere to their proven "rules of wedding crashing" to meet and pick up women aroused by the very thought of marriage. At the tail end of another successful season of toasting brides and grooms, Jeremy learns that the daughter of Treasury Secretary William Cleary and his wife, Kathleen, is getting married in what is sure to be the Washington D.C. social event of the year. After infiltrating the lavish affair, John and Jeremy quickly set their sights on two bridesmaids, Claire and Gloria Cleary. With the lavish reception in full swing, Jeremy works his game plan to perfection in seducing Gloria, but John''s flirtation banter with Claire is unexpectedly impeded by her pompous, Ivy League boyfriend Sack. Having uncharacteristically fallen hard and fast for Claire, John convinces a resistant Jeremy to bend the crashing rules and accept an invitation to an extended weekend party at the Cleary family compound. Once at the palatial waterfront estate, John and Jeremy endure a multitude of comical mishaps at the hands of the dysfunctional members of the Cleary family, but also learn a few unexpected lessons about love and relationships.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Search Party
Night of One Hundred Candles, The
The crew makes waves at Chantal's vigil, where Dory is intent on telling the parents that she saw their daughter.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Search Party
Captive Dinner Guest, The
It's the dinner party from Hell when Dory and Drew invite Portia and Chantal's intense ex-boyfriend over in an effort to get some answers out of him.
TV-14
12:00 am
Conan Special
Conan Without Borders: Berlin
On his fifth international trip as host of CONAN, Conan O'Brien experiences the wonders of historic Berlin, from racing down the autobahn to mastering "schuhplattler" and even visiting a dominatrix.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Pineapple Express
Process server Dale Denton has a grudging business relationship with the laconic Saul Silver, deigning to visit only to purchase Saul's primo product--a rare new strain of pot called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps the Pineapple Express at the scene. When it's traced back to him, Dale and Saul run for their lives--and they quickly discover that they're not just suffering from weed-fueled paranoia. If they survive, these two just might become real friends. All aboard the Pineapple Express.
TV-14
3:15 am
Movie (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn''t long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
 

Monday, December 12

6:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
S' Poor House
Doug asks for financial assistance when insurance does not cover a mold problem.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Attention Deficit
Doug tries to prove to Carrie that he thinks about her all the time; friends threaten to ditch Doug's Super Bowl party for a co-worker's.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Rachel's Going Away Party
One of the guys becomes offended when Rachel does not give him the same goodbye she gives the others.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Here Comes The Bribe
A marriage counselor tells Cleveland he can skew counseling sessions with Donna in his favor, provided he receives compensation; Junior's favorite refrigerator breaks.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
When a Man (Or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie
When Freight Train misses their anniversary, Cookie runs off with musician George Clinton; Junior's visit to an office supply store triggers an elaborate fantasy.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures by giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace Steve completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Tears of a Clooney
Francine is feeling depressed as another birthday comes around. In an effort to cheer her up, Stan helps Francine hatch a plan to break George Clooney's heart. Meanwhile, Roger adopts a bunch of orphans to help work his vineyard.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Camp Refoogee
Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, Roger and Francine take up role-playing, though they can't come up with a mutual backstory.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Carpe Museum
While acting as a parent chaperone on the school's trip to the museum, Bob has a father- daughter bonding moment with Louise. Meanwhile, Gene and his friends are on a hunt to find exhibits that feature the female anatomy. Also, Tina questions her dorkiness; and on the steps of the museum, Linda lends her unique chanting abilities to striking museum workers.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Unnatural, The
After Gene loses his confidence at his baseball game, Linda decides to sign him up for baseball camp. The only problem is, she needs money to pay for it! Meanwhile, Tina discovers her love for espresso and becomes a caffeine addict.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
River Runs Through Bob, A
Bob, Linda and the kids go on a camping adventure and face the perils of nature... and Bob's intestines. Braving wild river rapids, eager squirrels and parent/child separation, the Belchers prove they are worth their mettle.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Fort Night
Tina, Gene and Louise are filled with the Halloween spirit and head out with their friends for a candy-fueled adventure. However, things take a turn for the worse when the kids build their own fort and find themselves held hostage by Louise's wacko friend, Millie.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Seaplane!
Linda is bored by BobÆs tired attempts at Date Night and decides to sign up for flying lessons. When Bob wonÆt join her, she becomes the target of ôUpskirt Kurt,ö the most charming pilot in the air.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Giggity Wife, The
After accidentally marrying a prostitute, Quagmire pretends to be gay to end the relationship.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Call Girl
When Peter loses the family's money, Lois takes a job as a phone sex operator.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Turban Cowboy
After befriending a Muslim man, Peter becomes interested in Islamic culture - only to become unwittingly involved in a terrorist plot to blow up a Quahog bridge.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
12 and a Half Angry Men
Mayor West goes on trial for murder after his aide is found stabbed to death.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bigfat
After the airplane he's riding in crashes in the Canadian wilderness, Peter transforms into a feral beast.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Total Recall
Peter discovers that he's anything but irreplaceable when Lois begins hanging out with his friends; Stewie and Brian embark on a mission to reunite Stewie with his teddy bear.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Roger's Baby
Hayley experiences what pregnancy would be like after Roger agrees to give birth to Jeff so he can be human again. Snot's feelings are hurt when Steve secretly signs him up for a makeover.
TV-14
9:00 pm
People of Earth
Mars or Bust
Ozzie makes a surprising confession during an interview. Father Doug has an experience. Jeff is determined to find the person who killed Kurt.
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Save the Clam
Peter and his friends attempt to save The Drunken Clam bar from being demolished; Meg takes a job as an undertaker's assistant.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Farmer Guy
When a crime spree sweeps through Quahog, the Griffins move to the safety of a farm, where they're forced to open a meth lab to make ends meet.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1033
Full Frontal pays a visit to some unexpected allies: a group of Syrian refugees and American veterans.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 6941
Guests: Ozzy & Jack Osbourne, Dylan Moran.
TV-14
12:00 am
People of Earth
Mars or Bust
Ozzie makes a surprising confession during an interview. Father Doug has an experience. Jeff is determined to find the person who killed Kurt.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 6941
Guests: Ozzy & Jack Osbourne, Dylan Moran.
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Abstinence, The
George benefits when his new girlfriend's illness requires their abstinence.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Quest for the Spear, The
When a brilliant student takes a job at the New York Public Library, he learns it actually involves safeguarding ancient mystic and historical treasures secretly warehoused there, protecting them from the forces of evil. When one of the artifacts, one of three sections of the Spear of Destiny, gets taken by the Serpent Brotherhood, he must track it down across the globe with the help of a female operative of the Library, skilled in the arts of self defense. They must race against the clock before the brotherhood tracks down and assembles all three sections of the spear and risk giving them the power over the world''s destiny.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Bully
When Jess tries to intervene with a classroom bully, she finds herself the target of the bad seed student. Schmidt is thrilled over his post-Valentine's sex-capades, but hates that his paramour wants to keep it a secret. Meanwhile, Nick goes into a tailspin when Julia sends him a cactus.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Injured
When Nick is hurt playing a game of touch football and Jess discovers he doesn't have insurance, she brings him to her doctor friend, an OB/GYN. The gang rallies together and Nick evaluates his life when his seemingly innocuous back injury may prove to be more serious than he thought.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and tell it to the judge.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, December 13

6:00 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous husband shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school, at Al's expense, and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his close encounter.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Steve Moscow
Doug has a disagreement with his contractor, who then leaves his house in disarray.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Animal Attraction
Doug ruins St. Valentine's Day when he cancels a dinner with Carrie to transport penguins to Albany.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Prints Charming
Doug and Carrie feel insecure about their lives after they accidentally pick up the exciting pictures of another couple.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Cowardly Lyin'
Doug gets caught lying to avoid going to the opera.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Pins, Spins and Fins
Rallo thinks he's a stud bowler when he keeps scoring strikes by using the gutter rails. But when his prowess goes to his head, Donna reveals to him the hard truth: little kids mostly suck at everything. Meanwhile, Cleveland, Lester, Holt and Terry decide that their friendship has become too predictable, and attempt to spice things up by taking a road trip to an abandoned amusement park.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brownsized
Cleveland accepts Mr. Waterman's offer to quit his job and receive six months severance pay. There's only one catch: figuring out a way to tell Donna. Rallo finds a new beau for Robert after Federline forgets about their anniversary.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
American Dad After School Special, The
Steve starts dating an overweight girl. Stan's insecurity about his own body image leads him to anorexia.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Failure Is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Stan loses his confidence, and his job, when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Lincoln Lover
Greg introduces Stan to the Langley Falls Log Cabin Republicans. Only after Stan is taken with their fabulous ways does he realize that it's a gay group. To gain further acceptance into this wonderful group, Stan decides to become gay. Meanwhile, Terry is furious to discover Greg is a Republican.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dungeons and Wagons
Stan gets mixed up in street racing to put some excitement back in his marriage. After Hayley breaks up with Jeff Fischer, Jeff becomes video game pals with Steve. In an attempt to get Jeff back, Hayley kills Steve's beloved video game character.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Quagmire's Baby
Peter's ham radio communicates with the ghost of Ronald Regan; Quagmire discovers he fathered a baby girl; Stewie has himself cloned.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy
Jerome is the New Black
Peter and the guys interview potential friends to fill the vacancy left by Cleveland. Meanwhile, Brian discovers that Quagmire hates him.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Control
After Jess realizes that Schmidt is unfairly doing all of the housework, she pushes him to go on strike, and the entire ecosystem of the loft is thrown off balance. Meanwhile, Nick scrambles when he must pay up to Winston after losing a poker game.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Fancyman Part 1
Jess reluctantly dates the wealthy father of one of her students. Meanwhile, Nick attempts to buy a new cell phone and Schmidt and Winston get ultra-competitive playing bar trivia.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One Part 1, The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One Part 2, The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Andrea Doria, The
George wants a better apartment; Jerry learns Newman is hiding mail.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Little Jerry, The
George finds the perfect woman; Kramer gets a pet; Elaine dates a bald man.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Comeback, The
Jerry joins a tennis club; a co-worker's insults test George.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Money, The
Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac, thinking he needs money; J. Peterman returns.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Terminator Decoupling, The
The gang is thrilled when they see Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles' Summer Glau is also aboard their train to San Francisco for a scientific symposium. Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over having forgotten a paper he wants to present to George Smoot.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Work Song Nanocluster, The
Penny's business selling hair accessories out of her apartment gets out of hand when an over-caffeinated Sheldon takes charge.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Dead Hooker Juxtaposition, The
Penny feels threatened when another sexy woman moves into the apartment building and angered when she senses the guys are being taken advantage of.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hofstadter Isotope, The
A fellow comic book enthusiast's hitting on Penny leads to Leonard, Raj, and Howard going to a bar's Ladies' Night.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vegas Renormalization, The
Leonard and Raj take Wolowitz to Las Vegas to help him get over his break-up with Leslie (Sara Gilbert). Sheldon, home alone and looking forward to it, locks himself out and has only one other place to stay; Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Classified Materials Turbulence, The
Leonard is torn between being honest or self-serving when Stuart asks his advice for an upcoming second date with Penny. Wolowitz realizes there's a crucial error in a toilet he designed for the International Space Station.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7969
Guests: Chris Pratt, Tom Papa, The Naked and Famous
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake Captives
Sophie's wedding is interrupted by a hostage situation. Meanwhile, Max and Caroline's cupcake business gets some unwanted attention when a tenant who is wearing one of their company's T-shirts is arrested.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7969
Guests: Chris Pratt, Tom Papa, The Naked and Famous
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Van Buren Boys, The
George interviews student candidates for Susan's scholarship.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines, The
Librarian-turned-adventurer Flynn Carsen (Wyle) endeavors to find King Solomon''s mines.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Fancyman Part 2
Jess' sophisticated date with Russell doesn't go as planned. Meanwhile, Nick's college friend visits and brings out Nick's inner frat boy to help him get over his break-up with Julia. Also, Winston panics when Shelby goes on a girls vacation and Schmidt and Cece try to keep their relationship under the covers, but one of the friends finds out their secret.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Secrets
While training for a marathon, Jess discovers that Cece has been keeping a secret from her, and their friendship is put to the test. Meanwhile, Winston can't handle being the only one who knows about Cece and Schmidt, and Nick reluctantly asks for Schmidt's help as he tries to juggle dating two women at once.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
And Baby Makes Money
Al discovers new-found passion when he learns that he and Peggy stand to inherit a fortune by producing another Bundy baby.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Who
When Marcy wakes up to discover a man in her bed and a wedding ring on her finger, she gives Peggy and Al the cash to throw her a lavish wedding but giving Marcy the party of her dreams is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, December 14

6:00 am
Married With Children
Look Who's Barking
Buck the Dog, fed up with being neglected by the Bundys, decides to leave home and venture out into the world, where he meets a canine femme fatale.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Godfather, The
Al entertains notions of greatness when he discovers that Kelly's new boyfriend is an influential city politician.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Man's Castle, A
When Peg enrolls in an interior design course, she chooses the Bundy home as her first project but Al's in an uproar when she sets her sights on his sacred domain, the bathroom.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
All Night Security Dude
When the shoe store temporarily gives Al the boot, he takes a job as Polk High's night security guard but when his prized football trophy is stolen, he comes face to face with his high school rival, Spare Tire Dixon, who wants to even the score.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Peg and Al must decide whether to give their last hundred dollars to Bud, who's been selected a top teen and invited to go to the White House and meet the President, or to Kelly, who has a chance to become Miss Weenie Tot and win a year's supply of Al's favorite treat.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Oldies but Young 'Uns
Al struggles to remember a favorite song from his past and enlists the help of an oldies expert, his pal Charlie Verducci; meanwhile, Charlie's son, Vinnie, falls for Kelly but, under Al's watchful eye, is unable to do anything about it.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Queens' bro Bridge
Doug becomes excited when he learns Arthur inherited a house 10 years ago and may move.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Driving Reign
Doug reluctantly agrees to give his cousin a recommendation to be promoted to driver at IPS.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Special
SAG Nominations
SAG-AFTRA President Gabrielle Carteris will introduce Sophia Bush and Common to announce the Nominations for the 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards.
TV-14
10:10 am
King of Queens, The
Clothes Encounter
Carrie returns expensive clothes for a full refund after wearing them.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Bed Spread
Doug and Carrie borrow twin beds belonging to Deacon's children after their own bed breaks.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Rodent Like This, A
When a rat is discovered in the Brown home, Donna and the kids move out, leaving Cleveland to deal with the problem. But Cleveland discovers he likes living by himself and forms a friendship with the whiskered pest.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hangover Part Tubbs, The
Donna campaigns to be elected to the school board; Cleveland accidentally "kills" an opponent while playing "the Hurt Locker game;" Junior realizes he's an excellent driver.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Iced, Iced Babies
With Steve busy with his girlfriend, Francine decides she wants another baby. Stan, however, does not, so he secretly gets a vasectomy. But Francine discovers he still has sperm left in a CIA sperm bank. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a professor at Hayley's community college and earns the adoration of a psycho student.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Of Ice and Men
Stan's competitive streak is unleashed when he and Francine start ice dancing together. Stan dumps Francine to compete with Roger. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends get a mail order Russian bride.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Irregarding Steve
When Steve realizes he's smarter than Stan, he throws it in Stan's face and moves with Roger to New York City to become writers. There, they quickly realize they're short on street smarts when they fall in with the pretentious hairdresser, Mr. Beauregard. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of the lives of the squirrels living in the Smith's backyard.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Best Christmas Story Never Told, The
Stan goes to the past to keep Jane Fonda from ruining Christmas, but he winds up creating an alternate future where the United States has been taken over by the Soviet Union.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Dog Gone
Brian accidentally kills a dog; the Griffins hire a housekeeper.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Business Guy
When Mr. Pewterschmidt has a heart attack, Peter takes over his business.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Normal
A nervous Jess invites Russell to spend the weekend at the loft, and her fears are amplified when he gets along better with the guys than she hoped. Meanwhile, Winston begins work at a sports radio station, but quickly finds out his boss is more of a shock jock, and Nick tries to make an invention from his idea notebook into a reality.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Kids
Jess babysits Russell's pre-teen daughter for the weekend and meets his ex-wife. Then, Schmidt and Cece panic when they think she's pregnant. Also, Nick's new girlfriend may be too young, and Winston discovers his new boss is a big baby.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Susie, The
Elaine creates an alternate persona at work; George tries to keep a girlfriend.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pothole, The
George takes extreme measures to locate his lost Yankees key ring.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
English Patient, The
Jerry lifts weights with his parents' Florida neighbor (Lloyd Bridges).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Nap, The
George discovers how to take a nap at work and not get caught.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monopolar Expedition, The
The guys' prestigious offer to work over the summer at the North Pole; and Penny's resultant behavior; leaves Leonard unsure if he should go.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Electric Can Opener Fluctuation, The
Discovering that Leonard, Raj, and Howard fudged the results of his Arctic research expedition, a disgraced Sheldon heads home to Texas.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Jiminy Conjecture, The
Sheldon and Howard wager comic books over a cricket's species. Meanwhile, a less-than-perfect romantic night agonizes Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gothowitz Deviation, The
Howard takes Raj along to check out the Goth dating scene. Sheldon uses chocolate as part of a behavior modification experiment on Penny.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pirate Solution, The
Facing a return to India, Raj needs a job desperately enough to consider working for Sheldon. Meanwhile, Howard becomes a third wheel to Leonard and Penny.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Creepy Candy Coating Corollary, The
Sheldon looks forward to squaring off against the the one actor from the Star Trek universe he holds enmity towards; Wil Wheaton; in a fantasy collectible card game tournament. Wolowitz cashes in on an old pact with Leonard to get Penny to set him up with a friend of hers.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7970
Guests: Keegan-Michael Key, The Cast of People of Earth starring Ana Gasteyer, Ken Hall, Alice Wetterlund, Luka Jones, Bjorn Gustafsson, Michael Cassidy, Oscar Nunez, Da'Vine Joy Randolph and Brian Huskey
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Fat Cat
Max and Caroline's missing cat, Nancy, is returned by a handsome businessman; and Nancy comes home with a big surprise.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7970
Guests: Keegan-Michael Key, The Cast of People of Earth starring Ana Gasteyer, Ken Hall, Alice Wetterlund, Luka Jones, Bjorn Gustafsson, Michael Cassidy, Oscar Nunez, Da'Vine Joy Randolph and Brian Huskey
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Yada Yada, The
George realizes his girlfriend's slang may leave out vital information.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Tomatoes
Jess fears she and Russell don't share the fiery passion he exhibits with his ex-wife Ouli. Meanwhile, Cece is not yet willing to admit her true feelings for Schmidt, so she encourages him to go on a date with one of her Russian model roommates. Then, a down-in-the-dumps Nick channels all of his energy into a new vegetable garden.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Backslide
When Jess and Nick run into their exes Paul and Caroline, the gang fears they both may backslide into romantic relationships. Meanwhile, Schmidt desperately tries not to get aroused as he deals with a delicate medical issue. Winston suffers the consequences of a wild night out with his boss and Cece brings Schmidt to a nursing home to meet her grandmother.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 1
In the first of a two-part episode, after Al buys a shoddy air conditioner and causes a neighborhood blackout, the Bundys seek refuge from the heat and their infuriated neighbors by taking up residence in their local supermarket.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 2
When the Bundys are evicted from the supermarket where they've taken up temporary residence, Al inadvertently becomes their one millionth customer; but Marcy claims otherwise.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, December 15

6:00 am
Married With Children
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Needing cold cash for some hot prospects, Bud and Kelly are forced to find creative ways to earn money; meanwhile, Peg hoping for a hot night on the town, settles for an evening of videos with Al and the D'Arcys instead.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 1
When Al takes the family on a road trip to a shoe convention in California, the Bundys discover a golden opportunity when their car breaks down in the middle of a ghost town.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 2
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch gold fever and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 1
Marcy excitedly announces she's pregnant but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she too has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Taste Buds
After Arthur chooses their dinner and movie, Doug stews about not getting his way.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dog Shelter
Carrie learns Doug's parents have been sheltering him by replacing his beloved dog with look-alikes.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fatty McButterpants
Doug has a hard time coming to grips with his need to lose weight.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Roast Chicken
Doug turns to Carrie and Arthur for help when he is roped into roasting the head of his company.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
California Dreamin' (All the Cleves Are Brown)
The Browns relocate to Los Angeles so Cleveland can pursue his fantasy of becoming a major league baseball scout; Donna and the kids are seduced by the glamorous Hollywood lifestyle.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Fist and the Furious
Cleveland attempts to improve Dr. Fist's social life, only to discover he used to work for the mob; Rallo and Junior discover a business opportunity in the form of a food truck.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Bush Comes to Dinner
President Bush comes to dinner when Stan wins an essay-writing contest. Hayley is determined to bring down the presidency after Roger accidentally gets Bush drunk. Meanwhile, Roger thinks he's found Osama bin Laden.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
American Dream Factory
Stan feels like he's not climbing the ladder fast enough at work, so he turns to his lifelong ambition of making festive teddy bears. However, when he realizes that making a quick profit takes a lot of work, he resorts to using illegal aliens as cheap labor.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
A.T. the Abusive Terrestrial
Feeling shunned by Steve, Roger befriends a new boy, Henry. Their honeymoon is short lived as Henry starts abusing Roger. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine hijack the Pibbmobile in an effort to save the fledgling soft drink from going off the market forever.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Black Mystery Month
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War. When the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum reaches out to tell Steve the truth, he's mysteriously murdered, and Steve and Stan are tracked by a secret society that will stop at nothing to keep this scandalous secret of American history.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Big Man on Hippocampus
Peter develops amnesia while appearing on the game show "Family Feud;" Lois goes on a date with Quagmire after Peter returns home with another woman.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Dial Meg For Murder
Peter participates in a rodeo; Meg dates a prison escapee.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
See Ya
When one of the roommates decides to move out of the loft, the gang makes an unexpected trip to the desert, where Winston faces his fear of the dark. Cece and Schmidt's relationship reaches a turning point. Jess and Nick square off with a coyote.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Re-Launch
Schmidt throws himself a rebranding party at which Jess, recently fired from her teaching job, volunteers to be a shot girl, alongside a very jaded cocktail waitress. Meanwhile, Winston shows a different side of his personality after drinking some of Nick's fruity concoctions, and Cece introduces the gang to her new boyfriend.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Millennium, The
Newman nixes Kramer's millennium-party plans; Jerry obsesses about his position on his girlfriend's speed dial.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Muffin Tops, The
Elaine becomes a partner in a muffin business; Jerry shaves his chest.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Summer of George, The
George plans a vacation; Elaine critiques a co-worker (Molly Shannon); guest Raquel Welch.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chaperone, The
Kramer chaperons Jerry's date with a beauty contestant; guest Ian Abercrombie.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Zero Tolerance
Max and Caroline get second jobs as a pastry chef and a hostess at a trendy restaurant to help pay off their bank loan.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the High Hook-Up
Max pursues a handsome new coworker at the restaurant, despite the owner's "no hook-up" rule.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cornhusker Vortex, The
Leonard, hoping to fit in with Penny's football-loving friends, gets tutored in the sport by Sheldon. Raj is infuriated when Wolowitz's skirt-chasing leads to the loss of his prized patang.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Guitarist Amplification, The
Leonard and Penny's first big fight sees Sheldon playing mediator due to childhood trauma that's left him with an inability to be around loud verbal conflicts.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Adhesive Duck Deficiency, The
With the rest of the gang off on a desert camping trip to view the Leonid meteor shower, Sheldon must play hero after Penny slips in the tub and dislocates her shoulder.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vengeance Formulation, The
Barry Kripke pranks Sheldon during his spot on NPR, leaving him with a taste for vengeance. Wolowitz, pressured by Bernadette to define their relationship, gets advice from a fantasy version of Katee Sackhoff.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7971
Guests: Billy Eichner, The Pretenders
TV-14
12:00 am
Billy on the Street
Billy on the Street 505
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7971
Guests: Billy Eichner, The Pretenders
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Big Salad, The
Kramer helps an athlete wanted for a brutal crime flee police; guest Michelle Forbes.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
One for the Money
A proud, born-and-bred Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum''s got plenty of attitude, even if she''s been out of work for the last six months and just lost her car to a debt collector. Desperate for some fast cash, Stephanie turns to her last resort: convincing her sleazy cousin to give her a job at his bail bonding company as a recovery agent. True, she doesn''t even own a pair of handcuffs and her weapon of choice is pepper spray, but that doesn''t stop Stephanie from taking on Vinny''s biggest bail-jumper: former vice cop and murder suspect Joe Morelli - yup, the same sexy, irresistible Joe Morelli who seduced and dumped her back in high school. Nabbing Morelli would be a satisfying payback - and a hefty payday - but as Stephanie learns the ins and outs of becoming a recovery agent from Ranger, a hunky colleague who is the best in the business, she also realizes the case against Morelli isn''t airtight. Add to the mix her meddling family, a potentially homicidal boxer, witnesses who keep dying and the problem of all those flying sparks when she finds Morelli himself. Suddenly Stephanie''s new job isn''t nearly as easy as she thought.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Katie
Mistaken identity abounds as Jess inadvertently captures the attention of a beer delivery guy and then pretends to be someone else when a handsome stranger thinks she is his blind date. Then, a regular at Nick's bar claims to be Nick from the future, and Winston's disapproving mother comes to visit, all the while maintaining her hatred of Schmidt.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
Al reunites his old high school football team to play the championship game that never was.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
Al and his friends decide to remedy the professional baseball strike themselves.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
Al and his friends are forced to take their wives to a strip club.
TV-PG
 

Friday, December 16

6:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 2
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women, pregnant or otherwise, decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to-be.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Cheese, Cues and Blood
Lusting for a thousand dollar dress to wear to the Miss Cheese competition, Kelly decides to earn the money the old-fashioned way by hustling pool.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places
While Peggy and Marcy comb the city for Marcy's old baby furniture after Jefferson sells it to pocket the cash, the guys conduct a search of their own for the perfect maid although cleanliness is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Has a Belly Ache
When Al and the kids are preoccupied with a seemingly sick Buck, Peg, feeling neglected, returns home to her kin in Wanker County for a little TLC.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
If I Could See Me Now
After nearly driving off a bridge, Al lets the kids convince him to get eyeglasses, only to discover he doesn't like what he sees.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
God's Shoes
When Al has a spiritual experience and sees God's shoes, he makes it his mission to recreate and promote his heavenly vision.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Strike One
Doug buys a new car against Carrie's wishes and regrets it almost immediately.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Strike Too
With nothing to do during the IPS strike, Doug tries substitute teaching at the school at which his sister, Stephanie (Ricki Lake), works.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Strike Out
The IPS strike continues and Carrie arranges a play date for Doug.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Squirt's Honor
When Rallo joins Stoolbend's version of the Boy Scouts, he discovers he can make money selling candy bars for a fictitious charity; Cleveland and Donna win a vacation.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Who Done Did It?
Cleveland seeks revenge against people who've wronged him and his family...until he's accused of a murder he didn't commit.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Apocalypse to Remember, An
A misunderstanding at the CIA leads Stan to believe it's the end of the world. Even after he realizes his error, he keeps his family convinced they are the last people on Earth so they will respect him. Meanwhile, Roger gets married so he can buy a new blender.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Four Little Words
Stan goes to great lengths to never, ever end up in a situation ending with Francine telling him, "I told you so." She lets him hook his boss Bullock up with her friend, but when Bullock accidentally kills the woman, Stan frames Francine so she'll stop asking questions.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
When Stan Loves a Woman
Stan gets jealous when he discovers how promiscuous Francine was in the past. He decides the only way to even the score is to divorce Francine and sow some wild oats of his own. Meanwhile, Steve gets addicted to an energy drink.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
I Can't Stan You
Stan drives himself crazy worrying about his neighbors' opinion of him. Roger and Steve become con artists.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Magnificent Steven, The
Stan takes Steve and his friends on a cattle drive through Langley Falls in an effort to turn them into men. But when Stan eats beef tainted with mad cow disease, it's up to the boys to save the day. Meanwhile, Roger pits Francine and Hayley against each other for his own amusement.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Extra Large Medium
Peter believes he possesses psychic powers; Chris falls for a classmate with Down's Syndrome.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Fluffer
Nick and Jess address their relationship-without-benefits. Meanwhile, Winston has a lot on his mind besides Shelby. Then, hoping to date a beautiful Republican, Schmidt pretends to be one of presidential candidate Mitt Romney's sons.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Neighbors
When a group of young twenty-something neighbors moves in across the hall, Jess and Schmidt are determined to become friends with them. Meanwhile, Nick enacts a series of pranks on Schmidt to make him think he's getting old.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair. BRENDA VACCARO guest stars as Joey's mother.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Stoned Guy, The
JON LOVITZ guest stars as a restaurant owner who interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to "talk dirty" to women.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Two Parts Part 1, The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Two Parts Part 2, The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors (GEORGE CLOONEY and NOAH WYLE). Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father (ELLIOTT GOULD).
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Chinese Woman, The
George's crossed phone lines acquaint the gang with a woman who isn't what she seems.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Couch, The
Elaine dates the guy who delivered Jerry's new couch.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pledge Drive, The
Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Experiment, The
Penny seeks Sheldon's help to better comprehend Leonard's physics work. Wolowitz sees green when Leonard invites Bernadette to watch an experiment.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Congruence, The
A Christmas visit from his mother (Christine Baranski) has Leonard discovering she's kept a lot of news from him that she shares with Sheldon and worrying if she'll approve of his romance with Penny.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Psychic Vortex, The
Leonard is aghast to find out a secret of Penny's: she believes in psychics. Meanwhile, Sheldon tries to assist Koothrappali in picking up a girl at a university party.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bozeman Reaction, The
A robbery of their apartment sees Leonard and Sheldon call on their friends to devise a security system.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Einstein Approximation, The
Stuck on the solution to a physics problem, Sheldon seeks a number of alternative approaches to change his thinking and free the mental block; including working with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Large Hadron Collision, The
Leonard faces a dilemma in choosing between Sheldon or Penny to accompany him to Switzerland to see CERN's Large Hadron Collider on Valentine's Day.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Search Party
Mystery of the Golden Charm, The
Dory meets a handsome private investigator named Keith, who guides her through a risky adventure to probe deeper into Chantal's personal life.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Search Party
Secret of the Sinister Ceremony, The
The crew drops in on a sinister cult tied to Chantal's disappearance, but they may have bitten off more than they can chew when Dory and Drew come home to a threatening note.
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Taste Test
Sophie takes Max and Caroline shopping for their bridesmaid dresses, so the girls enlist the diner gang's help to hide the most hideous ones to avoid being utterly humiliated.
TV-14
12:30 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Look of the Irish
Max and Caroline try to get work for Nash as a model in an effort to make some extra money acting as his managers. Meanwhile, Sophie and Oleg attempt to remain celibate for 30 days before their wedding.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Silver Linings Playbook
Life doesn't always go according to plan. Pat Solitano has lost everything - his house, his job, and his wife. He now finds himself living back with his mother and father after spending eight months in a state institution on a plea bargain. Pat is determined to rebuild his life, remain positive and reunite with his wife, despite the challenging circumstances of their separation. All Pat's parents want is for him to get back on his feet and to share their family's obsession with the Philadelphia Eagles football team. When Pat meets Tiffany, a mysterious girl with problems of her own, things get complicated. Tiffany offers to help Pat reconnect with his wife, but only if he'll do something very important for her in return. As their deal plays out, an unexpected bond begins to form between them, and silver linings appear in both of their lives.
TV-14
3:45 am
Movie
Heartbreak Kid, The
After years of bachelorhood and ample pressure from his father, Doc, and best friend Mac, Eddie Cantrow starts to wonder if he is being too picky about the women he meets. So when a chance encounter with an alluring blonde named Lila leads to a sweet romance, Eddie impulsively proposes. But right after the wedding, as the newlyweds get to know each other on the drive down the California coast, Eddie begins to realize he''s made a terrible mistake. Soon after reaching their exotic Mexican hideaway, he falls for the down-to-earth Miranda, who has no clue he''s on his honeymoon. Now Eddie has to find a way to extricate himself from his days-old marriage without losing the girl of his dreams.
TV-14
 

Saturday, December 17

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Pilot (Part 1), The
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Pilot (Part 2), The
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Pilot
A woman's impending visit excites Jerry, until he learns she's getting married.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Seinfeld
Male Unbonding
Jerry finds ending a friendship harder than ending a romance.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Hit and Run
Charlie Bronson is a nice guy with a questionable past who risks everything when he busts out of the witness protection program to deliver his fiancé to Los Angeles to seize a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity. Their road trip grows complicated when they are chased by the feds and increasingly dangerous when Charlie's former pals, a band of gangsters, enter the fray.
TV-14
11:30 am
Movie
Red 2
Retired black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses reunites his motley team of elite operatives for a worldwide hunt to track down a missing portable nuclear device. In order to succeed, they'll need to survive relentless assassins, ruthless terrorists and power-crazed government officials, who all want to get their hands on the next-generation weapon. The mission takes Frank and his team to Paris, London and Moscow. They are outgunned, outnumbered and have only their wits, old-school skills and each other to rely on as they try to save the world-and stay alive.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Red
Frank, J, Marvin and Victoria used to be the CIA''s top agents - but the secrets they know just made them the Agency''s top targets. Now framed for assassination, they must use all of their collective cunning, experience and teamwork to stay one step ahead of their deadly pursuers and stay alive. To stop the operation, the team embarks on an impossible, cross-country mission to break into the top-secret CIA headquarters, where they will uncover one of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups in government history.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Monkey Gets Away, The
Rachel accidentally lets Ross' pet monkey escape, and the friends form a search party. Rachel learns that her former best friend is engaged to marry Rachel's former fianci.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Evil Orthodontist, The
Rachel reunites with her duplicitous ex-fianci. Chandler agonizes about a woman who doesn't call him after the first date.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Fake Monica, The
Monica meets a woman who helps her live out her fantasies. Ross' pet monkey becomes sexually mature and makes everyone crazy.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Minor Problem
Max and Caroline's attempt to break Nash into the modeling business is threatened when his mother arrives from Ireland to retrieve her son.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Grate Expectations
Max and Caroline help launch the opening of The High's new location at JFK airport. Meanwhile, Sophie learns that Oleg may have an ulterior motive for wanting to marry her.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Disappointing Unit
Season 4 ends with Max and Caroline tasked with retrieving Sophie's wedding dress from airport customs and safely transporting it to the church in time for the nuptials.
TV-14
7:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Wrecking Ball
Season 5 begins with Max and Caroline teaming up with the diner staff in a frantic attempt to keep their businesses open when the city targets Han's diner and their cupcake window for destruction.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Excelsior Acquisition, The
An appearance in traffic court comes at the worst possible time for Sheldon; the same day Stan Lee is appearing at the comic book store.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off on the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying, "I love you."
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1033
Full Frontal pays a visit to some unexpected allies: a group of Syrian refugees and American veterans.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
People of Earth
Mars or Bust
Ozzie makes a surprising confession during an interview. Father Doug has an experience. Jeff is determined to find the person who killed Kurt.
12:00 am
Search Party
Mystery of the Golden Charm, The
Dory meets a handsome private investigator named Keith, who guides her through a risky adventure to probe deeper into Chantal's personal life.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Search Party
Secret of the Sinister Ceremony, The
The crew drops in on a sinister cult tied to Chantal's disappearance, but they may have bitten off more than they can chew when Dory and Drew come home to a threatening note.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 1
Armed with cable TV and a new remote control, Al is determined to stay on the couch until he finds something good to watch on television, while Kelly's public access show becomes the hottest thing on cable.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 2
The Bundys' dream of fame and fortune remain just that after Kelly's popular local cable talk show is revamped for prime time by Hollywood network executive Jeff Littlehead.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, December 18

6:00 am
Married With Children
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
In a style reminiscent of the old Hollywood thriller, Al dreams he's a private eye who finds himself in the middle of a murder when he's hired by a femme fatale to protect her inheritance from her thieving family.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Stakeout, The
Jerry woos an ex-girlfriend's friend.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Robbery, The
Jerry's decision to move sets off a chain of events.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Stock Tip, The
George gives Jerry a bad stock-tip.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Ex-Girlfriend, The
George puzzles over how to dump a domineering girlfriend.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Ick Factor, The
Monica finds out more than she wants to know about her latest love. Chandler's friends at work treat him differently since his promotion. Ross' ex-wife begins giving birth.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Finds Out, The
Rachel finds out about Ross' secret love for her -- but another surprise awaits her.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
10:30 am
Movie
Pineapple Express
Process server Dale Denton has a grudging business relationship with the laconic Saul Silver, deigning to visit only to purchase Saul's primo product--a rare new strain of pot called Pineapple Express. But when Dale becomes the only witness to a murder by a crooked cop and the city's most dangerous drug lord, he panics and dumps the Pineapple Express at the scene. When it's traced back to him, Dale and Saul run for their lives--and they quickly discover that they're not just suffering from weed-fueled paranoia. If they survive, these two just might become real friends. All aboard the Pineapple Express.
TV-14
12:45 pm
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
2:45 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Step Brothers
Brennan Huff, a sporadically employed thirty-nine-year-old, lives with his mother, Nancy. Dale Doback, a terminally unemployed forty-year-old lives with his father, Robert. When Robert and Nancy marry and move in together, Brennan and Dale are forced to live with each other as step brothers. As their narcissism and downright aggressive laziness threaten to tear the family apart, these two middle-aged, immature, overgrown boys will orchestrate an insane, elaborate plan to bring their parents back together. To pull it off, they must form an unlikely bond that maybe, just maybe, will finally get them out of the house.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Search Party
Mystery of the Golden Charm, The
Dory meets a handsome private investigator named Keith, who guides her through a risky adventure to probe deeper into Chantal's personal life.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Search Party
Secret of the Sinister Ceremony, The
The crew drops in on a sinister cult tied to Chantal's disappearance, but they may have bitten off more than they can chew when Dory and Drew come home to a threatening note.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Step Brothers
Brennan Huff, a sporadically employed thirty-nine-year-old, lives with his mother, Nancy. Dale Doback, a terminally unemployed forty-year-old lives with his father, Robert. When Robert and Nancy marry and move in together, Brennan and Dale are forced to live with each other as step brothers. As their narcissism and downright aggressive laziness threaten to tear the family apart, these two middle-aged, immature, overgrown boys will orchestrate an insane, elaborate plan to bring their parents back together. To pull it off, they must form an unlikely bond that maybe, just maybe, will finally get them out of the house.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
College Road Trip
Melanie is eagerly looking forward to taking her first big step towards independence when she plans a "girls only" road trip to check out prospective universities. However, when her imposing police-chief dad insists on escorting her instead, she soon finds her dream trip turning into a nightmare full of misfortune and turmoil. Dad wants to assure total security and safety for his precious daughter, while Melanie has a 17-year-old''s need to become a grown woman and have her own sense of independence. Now, even as dad and daughter bicker, banter and careen from one disaster to the next on their journey, they are about to discover that, sometimes, going that extra mile to be together can forge a family bond so strong it can withstand anything--even wild curves ahead.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
So This Is How Sinatra Felt
When Peg thinks Al's having an affair, she sends Kelly and Bud out to do some sleuthing, but no one is more shocked than Al to discover that a beautiful shoe groupie wants to try him on for size.
TV-PG
 

Monday, December 19

6:00 am
Married With Children
I Who Have Nothing
When Al decides to draw up a will and divide up his worldly belongings, he tracks down his old high school girlfriend, to whom he gave his most prized possession, his football.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Mystery of Skull Island, The
While Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson play a New Age board game, Bud finds himself unable to say no to sexy Kara even if it kills him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Just Shoe It
Al relives his glory days as a high school football star (All City '66) when he lands a role in a Super Bowl commercial with ex-jocks Sugar Ray Leonard, Steve Carlton and Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rites of Passage
Though Peggy has hired Sticky the Clown to entertain at Bud's 18th birthday party, Al follows Bundy tradition and takes his son to the nudie bar for his first brawl.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Do Rico
Doug learns how to excite Carrie in the bedroom; Arthur wants his life chronicled.
TV-14
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Class Struggle
After Carrie decides to go back to college, Doug turns to his sister (Ricki Lake) for advice.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Grave Danger
Cleveland and his friends discover the joys of hanging out at a local cemetery; Rallo befriends neighborhood tough guys after making a trip to Robert's apartment in East Stoolbend.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Of Lice And Men
Rallo is forced to have his head shaved after he contracts lice; Cleveland housesits for Freight Train and Cookie.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Joint Custody
Stan tries to get an unsuspecting Jeff Fischer out of his life for good by taking him on a road trip to Florida, where there is a warrant out for Jeff's arrest. Meanwhile, Roger wants to turn Jeff in himself so he can claim the reward money. Francine, Hayley, and Steve want to intervene as Stan and Roger battle it out on the road, but they are stranded at the Smith house until they can find Francine's car keys.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Vacation Goo, The
The Smiths find out that their outstanding family vacations have only been experiences in virtual reality. Stan vows to redeem himself by taking the family on a cruise, but when they are stranded on a remote island, things get out of hand. Meanwhile, Roger goes from cruise ship singer to a dancer in a seedy gentlemen's club.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Meter Made
In order to be taken more seriously, Stan becomes a meter maid who seems to have all the power. Now he's getting the best tables at restaurants, pocketing quarters from meters, and impressing Francine with his prowess. But when Turlington from Parking Internal Affairs pays him a visit, Stan realizes crime and this lifestyle don't pay.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dope and Faith
Stan prays for a friend and thinks God sent him one, but the friend turns out to be an atheist. Stan tries to convince his friend that God exists by making his life extremely hard, but the plan backfires. Meanwhile, Roger convinces Steve that he has been accepted to Hogwarts.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
My Big Fat Greek Bob
Bob scores a temporary gig as a cook at an "underdog" frat house and discovers that he fits right in! Hijinks ensue as Bob and the rest of the fraternity brothers find themselves in the middle of a collegiate prank war that involves the house's most famous alumnus, Dr. Yap. Meanwhile, the kids are on a mission to invade the frat house and get in on the action.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Turkey in a Can
Determined to have a perfect Thanksgiving, Bob meticulously prepares the family turkey. But, to his horror, he finds that someone then dumps the turkey in the toilet in an act of Thanksgiving sabotage.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Purple Rain-Union
In an attempt to redeem a failed talent show performance from her past, Linda reunites with her former bandmates from the Ta-Ta's to perform at their high school reunion. At the event, a former female classmate attempts to impress Bob, her high school crush, who, in turn, becomes very self-conscious about the unwanted attention.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Bob and Deliver
To Tina's delight, Bob becomes the substitute Home Ec teacher at her school and ends up creating a full-scale restaurant in the classroom. However, her excitement is short-lived as Bob's position causes father/daughter friction. But when Gene and Louise go to work for Bob's school restaurant, Linda must fend for herself at the family's other restaurant.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Christmas in the Car
After Linda accidentally kills the family tree, the Belchers must go out on Christmas day to find a new one. But when Bob cuts off a giant candy cane truck, they are forced to outrun the madman driver and spend the entire holiday together in the car. Back at the Belcher home, BobÆs friend, Teddy, accidentally gets stuck in the kidsÆ Santa trap.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
No Country Club for Old Men
A wealthy girl invites Chris and his family to spend time at the prestigious Barrington Country Club, but complications ensue when Carter gets kicked out of the club.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Roads to Vegas
Brian and Stewie go to Vegas, but chaos erupts when a glitch in Stewie's new teleportation machine creates a duplicate Brian and Stewie.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Finders Keepers
After Peter finally goes to the dentist to take care of his bad breath, the Griffins celebrate with a family dinner at The Founding Father Restaurant. The waiter notices Stewie coloring in his placemat, and explains that it's actually a reprinted treasure map.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Vestigial Peter
Fed up with Peter¿s old, tattered, shirt, Lois takes him to the mall to buy a new outfit for church. When Peter struggles with the top button, they notice a large lump on his neck. Alarmed, they rush to the hospital where Dr. Hartman guesses that it¿s an incomplete vestigial twin.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fistful of Meg, A
A new kid arrives at James Woods High and quickly earns the nickname "Mental Mike" for his aggressive and violent reputation.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Boopa-Dee Bappa Dee
The Quahog 5 News reports an ongoing price war between airlines has led to extremely reduced fares. Lois takes advantage of the situation and purchases tickets to Italy for the family.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Life of Brian
While visiting 17th century Jamestown in his time machine, Stewie gives guns to the Native Americans in an effort to be amiable. Back in the present, Stewie and Brian are surprised to discover that Native Americans are now in control of the entire country.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
In Harmony's Way
Peter and Quagmire both scream when a bee flies by and realize they harmonize well together. They start writing and singing songs in their spare time. Mort overhears them one day and is amazed by their talent. He offers to manage them since he used to have his own record label in the 70¿s.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Ninety North, Zero West
The Smith family must rescue Steve after he is kidnapped and taken to the North Pole. There, Santa Claus is using children to mine for precious stones that he needs to perform an ancient ritual.
TV-14
9:00 pm
People of Earth
Lost and Found
Ozzie leaves Beacon in hopes of returning to a life of normalcy. Chelsea goes on the road with Operation Mongoose. The members of StarCrossed contemplate an uncertain future.
9:30 pm
People of Earth
Snake Man and Little Guy
Ozzie has a significant breakthrough. Jeff and Jonathan Walsh square off in the wake of the impending invasion. The members of StarCrossed struggle to find meaning after the group's break-up.
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Christmas Guy
The Griffins visit the Quahog Mall for the Christmas Carnival only to find that it has been canceled. Upset, Stewie begins to act out.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1034
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7972
TV-14
12:00 am
People of Earth
Lost and Found
Ozzie leaves Beacon in hopes of returning to a life of normalcy. Chelsea goes on the road with Operation Mongoose. The members of StarCrossed contemplate an uncertain future.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7972
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Replacements, The
Shane "Footsteps" Falco is a disillusioned football player who believes his dreams have all but dissipated. Once a red-hot All American prospect, Shane now regrets ever believing that the NFL would draft him. However, fate takes a strange twist for Shane when during the 1997 NFL season, a player's strike leaves the fields (and stadiums) empty, leaving team owners scrambling to fill uniforms as fast as possible. When the Washington Sentinels bring back the contentious and self-retired head coach Jimmy McGinty to seek out players who will play with their hearts rather than their wallets, he picks Shane to lead his mismatched crew of outsiders through the strike. To everyone's surprise, the ragtag team goes on an unprecedented winning streak as they discover in themselves the ability to hope for more than they ever thought possible maybe even the playoffs, which has been denied to the Sentinels for seven years.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad Part 1
Al protests the cancellation of his favorite TV show.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad Part 2
The No Ma'am men take their Psycho Dad protest to Washington, D.C.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
My Dinner with Anthrax
It's Al and Peggy's 20th anniversary and Bud and Kelly pack them off to a time-share scam in Florida so heavy metal band Anthrax can party at the Bundy house.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, December 20

6:00 am
Married With Children
High I.Q.
Bud is up in arms when Kelly is invited to join a group of geniuses while Al and Jefferson try their hand at putting together a workbench and lose a few fingers in the process.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Teacher Pets
When Bud's English teacher has the hots for him, he seeks advice from Al, who takes time out of his busy schedule attending birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese to correct the situation with the usual Bundy flair.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Goodbye Girl, The
While Al takes a world tour via the living room couch and remote control, Kelly gets a job at the TV World theme park.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Gas Station Show, The
Al takes the family out for a Bundy Sunday Fun Day, but when he can't pay for gas, he is forced to work off his debt as an attendant on the full-serve island.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 1
The Bundys win a free trip to England but little do they know they are being set up for execution for only the death of every male Bundy can lift the curse of darkness from the English town of Lower Uncton.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 2
Al, Peggy and Bud arrive in Lower Uncton, where the townspeople prepare to kill them but lost, globetrotting Kelly, is able to warn them of danger.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dark Meet
Doug and Carrie have flashbacks of their first Thanksgiving together.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Work Related
Arthur accepts a job at Carrie's company; Doug and Deacon compete for a place in their company's calendar of hunks.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Twisted Sitters
Doug and Carrie are caught in embarrassing circumstances while looking after Deacon and Kelly's children.
TV-14
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Wedding Presence
Doug and Carrie try to come up with an excuse not to attend a wedding.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
Cleveland and Cookie get mistaken for a married couple; after he gets caught stealing a candy bar, Rallo pins the theft on Junior.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Crazy Train
When Freight Train begins treating Cleveland with respect, Donna concludes there's only one cause: a mental breakdown; Junior and Rallo make off with a cherry-picker.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Big Trouble in Little Langley
Francine's Chinese adoptive parents drop in. Stan can't stand them and tries to find Francine's real parents, but when it becomes obvious they are selfish people who gave up Francine because she would cramp their lifestyle, Stan makes a detour and never introduces them to Francine.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Haylias
Stan, unhappy with the decisions Hayley is making for herself, decides to set her up with a proper husband. He gets her to go along by using her "activation word" which was ingrained in her during CIA summer camp visits when she was little. She listens to everything Stan says, but because it takes too long, reverts to a "mind clause" to kill her handler - Stan.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
42-Year-Old Virgin
While playing poker with the guys, Stan is exposed as a virgin, but not in the traditional way - he's never killed anyone. Roger and the guys help Stan bust his killing cherry.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Surro-Gate
When Francine decides to be a surrogate for her gay neighbors Terry and Greg, Stan's Republican blood boils. Although he pretends to be happy, when the baby is born, Stan kidnaps her and heads to the Nebraska border, where gay couples have no rights. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger pull a Howard Hughes and become reclusive after they think Klaus is out to get them.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Go, Stewie, Go!
Stewie cross-dresses in order to star in the American version of Jolly Farm Review. Meanwhile, Peter makes Lois feel bad about her age.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter-assment
Peter turns journalist after TMZ buys his amateur video; Peter is sexually-harassed by his boss.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Models
After spending a wild night out with Cece and her model friends, Jess jumps in the driver's seat when she must fill in for Cece at a car show. Meanwhile, the guys question what defines male friendship after Schmidt buys Nick a cookie.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Halloween
Jess gets a job as a zombie at a haunted house but is more frightened of her changing feelings towards Sam. Schmidt and Cece are unfortunately perfectly matched in the costumes they're wearing, while Winston and Shelby are worlds apart in theirs. Nick gets a visit from a former college crush who shows her affection in a scary way.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Baby on the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Russ, The
Joey gets a great acting opportunity. Rachel dates a guy who is amazingly similar to Ross. Series star DAVID SCHWIMMER plays a dual role.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding, with some help from an uncomfortable Ross. MARLO THOMAS and CANDACE GINGRICH guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Secretary, The
A new secretary's efficiency arouses George; Jerry spots a dry cleaner wearing his clothes.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7973
TV-14
12:00 am
People of Earth
Snake Man and Little Guy
Ozzie has a significant breakthrough. Jeff and Jonathan Walsh square off in the wake of the impending invasion. The members of StarCrossed struggle to find meaning after the group's break-up.
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7973
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Sky High
It all begins at a secret school in the clouds like none on earth: Sky High, the first and only high school for kids with super-human powers going through crime-fighting puberty. At Sky High, the student body throw flames with their footballs, study Villainy with their Chemistry and are divided into "Heroes" and "Sidekicks" instead of jocks and geeks. It''s an out-of-this-world yet completely recognizable place where cool gadgetry, rampant bravery and awe-inspiring magical skills mix it up with parental battles, peer pressure and dating trouble--with explosively fun results. This year''s class features some of the best, brightest and most powerfully gifted super-teens ever assembled. And then there''s Will Stronghold. When you''re the son of the world''s most legendary super heroes, The Commander and Jetstream, people expect you to live up to the family name The problem is that Will is starting with no superpowers of his own and, worst of all, instead of joining the ranks of the "Hero" class, he finds himself relegated to being a "Sidekick." Now he must somehow survive his freshman year while dealing with an overbearing gym coach, a bully with super speed and a dangerous rebel with a grudge (and the ability to shoot fire from his hands)--not to mention the usual angst, parental expectations and girl problems that accompany teenage life. But when an evil villain threatens his family, friends and the very sanctity of Sky High, Will must use his newfound superpowers to save the day and prove himself a "Hero" worthy of the family tradition.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Menzies
As Jess' job search kicks into high gear, the guys fear her time of the month is also affecting their physical and psychological well-being. Meanwhile, Schmidt begins a 50 Shades of Grey type of relationship with his corporate boss, and Nick gains wisdom from an unlikely, hands-on and mute source.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Parents
Jess invites her divorced Mom and Dad over for Thanksgiving dinner and enlists Nick and Cece to help her with a Parent Trap to reunite them. Meanwhile, Schmidt's cousin, Big Schmidt, visits. Winston manipulates them into an escalating battle to prove their manhood.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 3
When the townspeople of Upper and Lower Uncton fight over who gets to kill Al and Bud, Al jousts to save his neck, but a little trouble in Customs concerning a certain hotel towel gets him thrown in the dungeon.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Magnificent Seven
When Peg's 5-year-old nephew Seven is abandoned at the Bundy doorstep by his loser parents, Peg and Al decide to keep him, much to their kids' dismay.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, December 21

6:00 am
Married With Children
T-R-A-Something-Something Spells Tramp
When Kelly's date gives her an ultimatum, she finds herself stranded but not alone on a deserted road 15 miles outside Chicago. Meanwhile, Peg tries to put some spice back into her marriage by spending Saturday night communicating with Al.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Every Bundy Has a Birthday
When Seven can't remember his birthday, Peggy assigns him one, selecting the next day, which also happens to be Al's birthday. The family decides to go to the town park to celebrate, only to find it's been rented by a rich, snobby family.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Al on the Rocks
When Peggy panics over Seven's sneezes, she begins piling up medical bills, forcing Al to take on a second job as a topless bartender.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
What I Did for Love
In an effort to renew her husband's romantic interest in her, Peg drags Al along to shop for some exciting lingerie, only to find Bud hitting on one of the store mannequins. After trying every trick in the book, Peg finally discovers food is the only way to arouse Al, but when she slaves away in the kitchen in exchange for a few romantic results, she refuses to do any more cooking.
TV-14
8:00 am
Married With Children
Frat Chance
Desperate for a date, Bud founds his own community college fraternity in his garage.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Chicago Wine Party, The
With the elections coming up, Al convinces his family to register and vote for the first time in an effort to stop a proposed tax on beer. When the tax increase passes, Al leads an angry protest to overturn the bill.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Papa Pill
Doug learns that taking care of Arthur is not an easy task.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Paint Misbehavin'
The gang plays paintball to celebrate Deacon's birthday.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hi-Def Jam
Doug wants to watch the Super Bowl on a high-definition television.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Deacon Blues
Doug is surprised to find his married friend Deacon out with another woman.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Wheel! Of! Family!
An exhausted Cleveland and Donna ask relatives for help when Junior, Roberta and Rallo run them ragged; Robert and Dee Dee adopt a baby; Junior takes a pole dancing class.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Pilot
Cleveland and his overweight 14-year-old son say goodbye to Quahog and set out for California. Along the way, Cleveland stops in his old hometown, where he eventually marries former classmate Donna Tubbs.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Most Adequate Christmas Ever, The
After Stan comes home from another dangerous mission, he finds that his family has decked the halls with boughs of holly and donned themselves with gay apparel, but just not to his satisfaction.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Franny 911
Francine fakes Roger's kidnapping so she can prove to Roger that Stan still cares about him. So why won't Stan pay his ransom
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Tearjerker
Stan and the family are characters in a James Bond-style spoof. Stan must stop Tearjerker, played by Roger, a diabolical film producer who makes movies that can kill. Tearjerker's fiendish plot involves abducting celebrities from his spa and replacing them with celebrity robots that make horrible movies, all in an effort to make his masterpiece "Oscar's Gold" the best and saddest movie ever, causing millions of moviegoers to cry themselves to death.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Oedipal Panties
When Stan's mom, Betty, gets dumped by a boyfriend for the umpteenth time, she comes running to Stan for support. Feeling threatened by her always-visiting mother-in-law, Francine is determined to cut Stan's umbilical cord and figure out what keeps going wrong with the men in Betty's life. Like a regular Cagney & Lacey, Francine and Roger go undercover to solve the case. Meanwhile, Klaus gives Steve the ick.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Griffin's House of Payne
Brian's television pilot script gets picked up by a network, but he's horrified when changes are made to his concept; Chris and Meg accidentally knock Stewie unconscious.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
April in Quahog
When a black hole threatens to destroy the Earth, Peter tells Lois he doesn't like their children.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Eggs
When Jess learns that a friend is pregnant, both she and Cece panic that time is running out for them to have children. Meanwhile, Schmidt seeks advice on how to please Emma. Nick and Winston visit the zoo to find inspiration for Nick's zombie-themed novel.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Bathtub
Tired of taking showers, Jess and Winston scheme to get a bathtub installed in the loft. Then at the bar, Nick meets a tough and beautiful customer with boyfriend troubles. Meanwhile, Schmidt is torn between his boss and trying to win back Cece.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl Part 1, The
Ross searches for his former pet monkey. Joey dates an obsessed fan. BROOKE SHIELDS, CHRIS ISAAK, ROARK CRITCHLOW, FRED WILLARD and TAHJ MOWRY guest star.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl Part 2, The
Ross spends some quality time with Marcel, his former pet monkey. Chandler gets a big surprise from a sexy former classmate. JULIA ROBERTS and JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Prom Video, The
Monica's old home video shows Ross' true feelings for Rachel. Joey gives a gaudy gift to Chandler.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know, The
Ross and Rachel encounter obstacles to romance. Monica becomes enamored with a handsome, older doctor (TOM SELLECK).
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Beard, The
Elaine tries to change a gay man; George and his date have similar problems.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
10:00 pm
SURPRISE! Instant Xmas Carol!
Special
Celebrity carolers from across the entertainment spectrum hit the road in search of people who look like they could use a little extra holiday cheer. They then surprise their listeners with their own unique renditions of a classic Christmas carol; some good, some bad and some...well, you know. The result is a holiday special packed with unforgettable songs performed in often wild and unpredictable situations.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7974
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (SAP)
And the Gym and Juice
The shower at Max and Caroline's apartment breaks, so they get part-time jobs at a fancy gym's juice bar and enjoy free use of the locker room.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7974
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Doorman, The
A doorman (Larry Miller) tries to cause trouble for Jerry; Kramer develops a male undergarment.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Your Highness
Throughout history, tales of chivalry have burnished the legends of brave, handsome knights who rescue fair damsels, slay dragons and conquer evil. But behind many a hero is a good-for-nothing younger brother trying just to stay out of the way of those dragons, evil and trouble in general. Thadeous has spent his life watching his perfect older brother Fabious embark upon valiant journeys and win the hearts of his people. Tired of being passed over for adventure, adoration and the throne, he's settled for a life of wizard's weed, hard booze and easy maidens. But when Fabious' bride-to-be, Belladonna, gets kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar, the king gives his deadbeat son an ultimatum: Man up and help rescue her or get cut off. Half-assedly embarking upon his first quest, Thadeous joins Fabious to trek across the perilous outlands and free the princess. Joined by Isabel--an elusive warrior with a dangerous agenda of her own--the brothers must vanquish horrific creatures and traitorous knights before they can reach Belladonna. If Thadeous can find his inner hero, he can help his brother prevent the destruction of his land.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Santa
When the gang attempts to juggle multiple holiday parties in one night, Jess tries to avoid a remorseful Sam, Nick tries to keep up with a sexually adventurous Angie and Winston panics when he gets a cranberry stuck in his ear.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Cabin
Jess invites Nick and Angie to spend a couples' weekend with her and Sam. Once there, however, she quickly discovers that two's company and four's a crowd. Meanwhile, Winston tries to teach Schmidt about race relations.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
When Al can't afford to pay the bills, he convinces Kelly to get a job. Finding employment as a waitress at a burger joint, Kelly realizes why mother Peg has never worked a day in her life.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes John Sebastian, Peter Noone, Mark Lindsay, Robby Krieger, Richie Havens and Spencer Davis. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG