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SCHEDULE: September 2014

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Monday, September 1

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Fun Run
After Jeff tells his altruistic co-workers that requests for charity donations are getting out of hand, Audrey enters into a 10K charity event and plans on having Jeff's staff contribute money toward the cause. Meanwhile, Russell is dating a woman who is giving him not-so-subtle hints that she's really not into him.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Randy's List Item
When Randy loses his winning lottery ticket, he assumes the event to be a message from Karma, so he starts a list of his own. Meanwhile, Joy is not happy with her cover identity of the witness protection program.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Hyphenated Name Episode, The
Nick and Suzanne have been married for about six months, and the new blended family is beginning to experience growing pains. Nick thinks the kids don't love him, and Suzanne is coming to bed looking less than sexy. Much to Nick's displeasure, Suzanne has decided to hyphenate her name.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Unwelcome Back
When Reggie returns unannounced, he's surprised to find Cora isn't into him as she once was. Meanwhile Sasha's ex comes to the hospital as a patient.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Payneful Night Out, A
Curtis and Ella decide to intervene when they see Janine and Roland at dinner until C.J. shows up with a woman. Meanwhile, Miranda goes on a grooming strike.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
No More Mr. Dumb Guy
Jesse enlists Joey's help to appear more intellectual at a cultural event attended by his girlfriend, Rebecca Donaldson.
TV-G
10:00 am
Labor Day Movie Marathon
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil's bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
12:15 pm
Labor Day Movie Marathon (DVS)
Zombieland
Two men have found a way to survive a world overrun by zombies. Columbus is a big wuss - but when you're afraid of being eaten by zombies, fear can keep you alive. Tallahassee is an AK-totin', zombie-slayin' badass whose single determination is to get the last Twinkie on earth. As they join forces with Wichita and Little Rock, who have also found unique ways to survive the zombie mayhem, they will have to determine which is worse: relying on each other or succumbing to the zombies.
TV-14
2:15 pm
Labor Day Movie Marathon (DVS)
Men in Black II
Kay and Jay reunite to provide our best, last and only line of defense against a sinister seductress who levels the toughest challenge yet to the MIBs untarnished mission statement: protecting the earth from the scum of the universe. It's been four years since the alien-seeking agents averted an intergalactic disaster of epic proportions. Kay has since returned to the comforts of civilian life while Jay continues to work for the Men In Black, the highly funded yet unofficial government agency that regulates all things alien on earth. While investigating a seemingly routine crime, Jay uncovers a diabolical plot masterminded by Serleena, an evil Kylothian monster who disguises herself as a sexy lingerie model. When Serleena takes the entire MIB building hostage, there is only one person left Jay can turn to-his former MIB partner who is now a drone in another large government office, the U.S. postal service, and prefers simple pleasures like his wife's cookies over standoffs with mammoth alien insects. It's a race against the clock as Jay must convince Kay-who not only has absolutely no memory of his time spent with the Men In Black, but is also the only living person left with the expertise to save the galaxy-to reunite with the MIB before the earth submits to ultimate destruction.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl Who Hits Joey, The
Chandler thinks Monica wants more from their relationship. Ross fails to impress his new neighbors.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cop, The
Joey wonders if he is in love with Monica. Phoebe impersonates a police officer.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss, The
Rachel interviews for a great job--but she may get it for the wrong reason. Monica competes to have a better relationship than Phoebe's.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Smokes, The
Rachel submits to peer pressure at work. Joey and Ross' son audition for the same commercial -- but only one can get the part.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Guitarist Amplification, The
Leonard and Penny's first big fight sees Sheldon playing mediator due to childhood trauma that's left him with an inability to be around loud verbal conflicts.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Mom
Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast
Christy learns that Luke hasn't told his parents about Violet's pregnancy so she invites them over so they can talk about it. Meanwhile, Bonnie is thrown for a loop when she finds out from her doctor that she is menopausal. She drops by Christy's house and proceeds to have a meltdown in front of Luke's parents leaving them wondering what kind of family Luke is getting involved with.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baby Not On Board
When Peter wins free gas for a year, Brian suggests a road trip to the Grand Canyon. After careful planning and packing, they depart, only to leave Stewie behind. Hilarity ensues as they race back to Quahog.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Welcome Back, Carter
Peter extorts Carter after finding out he's having an affair with another woman.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Halloween on Spooner Street
On Halloween, Stewie plots revenge after his candy is taken away by bullies; Meg determines to use a Halloween disguise as a means of hooking up with a boy; Peter and Joe target Quagmire for Halloween pranks.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baby, You Knock Me Out
Peter coaxes Lois into entering an amateur boxing match, where Lois easily defeats her opponent-launching her career as a professional pugilist.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Adhesive Duck Deficiency, The
With the rest of the gang off on a desert camping trip to view the Leonid meteor shower, Sheldon must play hero after Penny slips in the tub and dislocates her shoulder.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vengeance Formulation, The
Barry Kripke pranks Sheldon during his spot on NPR, leaving him with a taste for vengeance. Wolowitz, pressured by Bernadette to define their relationship, gets advice from a fantasy version of Katee Sackhoff.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4594
Guests: Michael Sheen, Joe Manganiello, Marsha Ambrosius
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Baby Shower
Dwight helps Michael prepare for the birth of Jan's baby. Michael vows to feign dislike for Holly to appease Jan. Pam and Jim have trouble communicating while she's at art school.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4594
Guests: Michael Sheen, Joe Manganiello, Marsha Ambrosius
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Crime Aid
Following a burglary at Dunder Mifflin on the night of his third date with Holly, Michael organizes an auction to replace what was stolen. Pam has a job at corporate to help with finances. Dwight seeks Phyllis' help to win Angela back.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Men in Black II
Kay and Jay reunite to provide our best, last and only line of defense against a sinister seductress who levels the toughest challenge yet to the MIBs untarnished mission statement: protecting the earth from the scum of the universe. It's been four years since the alien-seeking agents averted an intergalactic disaster of epic proportions. Kay has since returned to the comforts of civilian life while Jay continues to work for the Men In Black, the highly funded yet unofficial government agency that regulates all things alien on earth. While investigating a seemingly routine crime, Jay uncovers a diabolical plot masterminded by Serleena, an evil Kylothian monster who disguises herself as a sexy lingerie model. When Serleena takes the entire MIB building hostage, there is only one person left Jay can turn to-his former MIB partner who is now a drone in another large government office, the U.S. postal service, and prefers simple pleasures like his wife's cookies over standoffs with mammoth alien insects. It's a race against the clock as Jay must convince Kay-who not only has absolutely no memory of his time spent with the Men In Black, but is also the only living person left with the expertise to save the galaxy-to reunite with the MIB before the earth submits to ultimate destruction.
TV-PG
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Friends with Benefits
Earl decides to visit Joy at the new Witness Protection location to return Mr. Turtle to Darnell and he stays around to help her make new friends. Meanwhile, Randy is making a new "friend" too while Earl is gone.
TV-14
 

Tuesday, September 2

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Refusing to Budget
Timmy convinces Russell he needs a budget when the utilities are turned off in his apartment. Meanwhile, Audrey has a mentee who wants to see her office and learn about publishing.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
My Name Is Alias
Darnell's father Thomas comes looking for him in Camden only to raise Earl and Randy's suspicions, as it turns out that he is the reason for Darnell being in the Witness Protection Program.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Soccer Episode, The
Kevin is a big soccer fan, but Nick doesn't understand the appeal. Suzanne is frustrated by Lindsey's lack of communication and creates a fake Facebook account to learn what is going on in her daughter's life.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Defendant
Cora takes the Colonel to court. Joaquin's birthday party is nearly ruined when Sasha, Will and Brianna interfere.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Payneful Assistance
Miranda gets cooking advice after she makes a horrible dinner for Ella's club. Meanwhile, Curtis gets his tonsils pulled and can't talk.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Misadventures in Babysitting
D.J. Tanner runs into problems while baby-sitting to earn money for her own phone. Jesse and Rebecca have a problem communicating.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Pilot
TV-14
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (Part 2)
Will schemes to save Vivian and Phil's marriage; guest Jenifer Lewis.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I, Clownius
A perilous situation occurs when bodyguards Will and Carlton escort Phil to court.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Butler's Son Did It, The
Geoffrey's estranged son arrives from London with a hidden agenda.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Little Man on Campus
After his star pitcher is forced to leave the high school's baseball team, Cleveland enlists Holt's help after he turns out to have an excellent pitching arm.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Fat and Wet
Donna asks Cleveland to keep an eye on Rallo, but the boy almost drowns in a swimming pool, leaving Cleveland vulnerable to Rallo's blackmail scheme; Cleveland Jr. and Kendra attempt to eliminate discrimination against heavy-set people.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger (Seth MacFarlane) announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina (Michelle Monaghan), a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Pilot
In-laws (Jerry Stiller, Lisa Rieffel) displace Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) and his 70-inch TV from a basement lair; with Leah Remini.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Head First
Carrie convinces Doug to spend more time with Arthur.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Can't Flirt, The
Ross' flirting technique fails to impress a cute pizza-delivery woman. A surprise awaits Joey when he tells everyone about his big television appearance.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ride Along, The
The guys enjoy riding along with a police officer -- until a gunshot is heard. Rachel overhears a telephone message for Ross from his second ex-wife.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ball, The
Phoebe's boyfriend wants her to move in with him. Ross and Joey involve Chandler and Monica in an obsessive game.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Big Break, The
Joey's first major film role leads to an unexpected experience in Las Vegas. Phoebe can't remember why she hates Ross.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Secretary, The
A new secretary's efficiency arouses George; Jerry spots a dry cleaner wearing his clothes.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Gorilla Experiment, The
Penny seeks Sheldon's help to better comprehend Leonard's physics work. Wolowitz sees green when Leonard invites Bernadette to watch an experiment.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Mom
Big Sur and Strawberry Lube
Christy and Adam's courtship continues and they're still waiting to have sex, but Christy is struggling to deal with all her feelings. In the past, she used alcohol or sex to cope, but now she's eating voraciously. To make matters worse, Claudia comes to her and confides that she thinks Gabriel is having an affair. Claudia confronts Christy with something Gabriel told her. Christy's nervous at first but Claudia is actually coming to Christy because she heard she's sober and Claudia wants help with her own drinking issues.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Congruence, The
A Christmas visit from his mother (Christine Baranski) has Leonard discovering she's kept a lot of news from him that she shares with Sheldon and worrying if she'll approve of his romance with Penny.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Psychic Vortex, The
Leonard is aghast to find out a secret of Penny's: she believes in psychics. Meanwhile, Sheldon tries to assist Koothrappali in picking up a girl at a university party.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bozeman Reaction, The
A robbery of their apartment sees Leonard and Sheldon call on their friends to devise a security system.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Einstein Approximation, The
Stuck on the solution to a physics problem, Sheldon seeks a number of alternative approaches to change his thinking and free the mental block; including working with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Sullivan & Son
Kiss Is Never Just a Kiss, A
Steve goes all out to impress an exciting new woman, with the help of Melanie. Meanwhile, Hank's doctor prescribes him testosterone, but a mishap leads to a "juiced up" Hank.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Large Hadron Collision, The
Leonard faces a dilemma in choosing between Sheldon or Penny to accompany him to Switzerland to see CERN's Large Hadron Collider on Valentine's Day.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4613
Guests: Allison Janney, Brett Gelman, Brooks Wheelan
TV-14
12:00 am
Sullivan & Son
Kiss Is Never Just a Kiss, A
Steve goes all out to impress an exciting new woman, with the help of Melanie. Meanwhile, Hank's doctor prescribes him testosterone, but a mishap leads to a "juiced up" Hank.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4613
Guests: Allison Janney, Brett Gelman, Brooks Wheelan
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Employee Transfer
Michael helps Holly move following her transfer to Nashua, NH. Meanwhile, Pam discovers people at corporate are less enthused about Halloween than she, and Dwight agitates Andrew by applying to Cornell.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Not Another Teen Movie
What a year at John Hughes High! The Wasp football team goes all the way -- into the cellar, that is, when quarterback Jake Wyler makes an errant pass and Reggie Ray racks up his umpteenth concussion. Things perk up at a dazzling year-end prom when conjoined twins Kara and Sally Fratelli are crowned prom queens. Other highlights from this year include a nasty toilet explosion that drops in the middle of Mr. Keller's English class, Jake fails to seduce Janey with a human whipped cream sundae and Janey is apprehended by police after Jake's moving serenade of Aerosmith's "Janey's Got a Gun". Many new faces deck the halls this year, including Sadie, a 90 year-old undercover reporter and foreign exchange student Areola, who becomes the object of lust for all American nerds. Malik continues to be the "token black guy," Catherine is still in love with her brother, Bruce still thinks he's Asian, and Ox is still a virgin...
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Chaz Dalton's Space Academy
Earl works on a list item that has to do with Chaz Dalton, his childhood hero. However, Chaz turns out to be somebody else. Meanwhile, Darnell tries to help Joy make friends using the internet and a site called "Buddybook".
TV-14
 

Wednesday, September 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Little Bummer Boy
When Russell decides to borrow a holiday concept of gift-giving from Adam, both Adam and his co-workers are in for surprises. Meanwhile, Audrey wants to make people laugh at Jeff's holiday party.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Witch Lady
Earl works on a list item that deals with a crazy witch lady, but his plan backfires.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Michele Obama Sweater Episode, The
Using her mother's credit card, Lindsey gets help from Nick in ordering a Michelle Obama sweater online. Kevin pretends to be sick to pull off a scam with Martin to get a signed A-Rod jersey.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Attraction
Brianna becomes jealous when Jamal finds Simone's life more interesting than hers for his short film. Cora and Brown have to take a CPR class taught by Reggie.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Mother's Payne, A
Ella's mother comes to visit. Meanwhile, Janine texts C.J. a sexy picture of herself.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Lust in the Dust
Danny's new girlfriend is tidy in some ways, a slob in others. Jesse thinks Michelle has hidden his keys.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Into the Great Wide Open
TV-PG
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I, Bowl Buster
Carlton, accepted to Princeton, takes up bowling; Hilary leads a Blue Bird troop.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Hare Today
A minister (Richard Roundtree) shows romantic interest in Vivian.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I, Stank Horse
A favored horse is in danger when Will takes his cousins to the racetrack.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Another Bad Thanksgiving
Donna's sister abandons her two children during the Thanksgiving holiday so she and Holt can run off to Las Vegas.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Murray Christmas
During the Christmas holiday, Cleveland inadvertently gives his father a heart attack; Rallo makes friends with a Jewish man who lives at a retirement home.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Naked to the Limit, One More Time
Roger pretends to be Jeff's imaginary friend, so he can freely roam naked around the house with no disguise. But when big-mouth Jeff figures out that Roger is an alien, Stan issues an ultimatum: either Roger or Jeff must be killed immediately. Meanwhile, Steve becomes insecure about the shape of his rear end.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan and his wife, Sexpun Tocome's honeymoon is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Fat City
Doug worries that Carrie will grow to look like her mother.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Richie's Song
Doug learns Richie's wife is cheating on him.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 1), The
The gang travels to Las Vegas, Nevada, where more than one surprise awaits. After Ross misinterprets Rachel's actions, a war of public humiliation results.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 2), The
Monica and Chandler get lucky in Las Vegas, Nevada. Rachel makes Ross regret playing a prank on her. Joey schemes for fame and fortune.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Vegas, The
Two of the friends leave Las Vegas married. Joey and Phoebe have a cross-country adventure.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Hugs Rachel, The
Monica is bewildered by Rachel's reaction to a change in their living arrangement. Phoebe tries to make Ross confront his feelings for Rachel.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Excelsior Acquisition, The
An appearance in traffic court comes at the worst possible time for Sheldon; the same day Stan Lee is appearing at the comic book store.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Mom
Zombies and Cobb Salad
Bonnie falls off the wagon and starts drinking again, prompting Christy to stage an intervention with Regina and Marjorie from their AA group. Bonnie soon realizes that she can't take the pain of disappointing her daughter by drinking anymore, so she vows to do everything she can to keep sober from this point forward.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Writes a Best Seller
After Brian writes a bestselling self-help book, he hires Stewie to be his publicist and begins treating him poorly during a book promotion.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
New Kidney in Town
Peter ruins his kidneys after concocting his own energy drink, prompting Brian to volunteer donating his organs; as President Obama plans on visiting the high school, Chris plagiarizes Meg's thoughts for an essay on hope.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off on the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying, "I love you."
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4614
Guests: Justin Theroux, Tony Hale, Shovels & Rope
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Customer Survey
Dwight and Jim are shocked when they get the results of the annual customer survey report. Pam and Jim spend every minute together on their Bluetooth phones, and Angela and Andy pick an unusual location for their wedding.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4614
Guests: Justin Theroux, Tony Hale, Shovels & Rope
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Business Trip
Michael is sent on a business trip to Canada and brings Oscar and Andy along with him. Meanwhile, Jim counts down the days until Pam is done with art school.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
I Love You, Man
Peter Klaven is a successful real estate agent who, upon getting engaged to the woman of his dreams, Zooey, discovers, to his dismay and chagrin, that he has no male friend close enough to serve as his Best Man. Peter immediately sets out to rectify the situation, embarking on a series of bizarre and awkward "man-dates," before meeting Sydney Fife, a charming, opinionated man with whom he instantly bonds. But the closer the two men get, the more Peter's relationship with Zooey suffers, ultimately forcing him to choose between his fiancée and his new found "bro," in a story that comically explores what it truly means to be a "friend."
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Pinky
Earl helps Randy find his first love, Pinky.
TV-14
 

Thursday, September 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Home Stretch, The
When Jeff discovers that a guy is giving Audrey home Pilates classes, he wants to make a change. Meanwhile, Adam tells Jennifer specifics about his football past.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Bullies
Earl tries to help a man he bullied in grade school, but hides his true identity because the man has become a scary bodybuilder.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Day Off Episode, The
Nick decides the kids need to bond with his mother and asks that they spend time together. Suzanne has a day off, but she doesn't know what to do.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the New Reggie
Brown and Derek help Reggie improve himself to win Cora. Meanwhile Renee's ex comes in for a check up. He's HIV positive.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Up from the Ashes
Calvin finds out that Tracie checked Calvin Jr. out of the hospital. Calvin and Miranda try to find a place to stay.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Bye Bye Birdie
Michelle's first day of preschool goes badly when she accidentally releases the class' pet bird. Stephanie becomes glued to D.J.'s diary.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Do Me Like That
TV-PG
10:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
I Won't Back Down
TV-PG
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I Whoops, There It Is
Will Smith and the cast present outtakes from the past six seasons; guest Dick Clark.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I, Stank Hole in One
Carlton gets jealous when Will plays golf with Phil; guest Regis Philbin.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Beer Walk
Cleveland invites his friend from Quahog to participate in a charity beer walk; Rallo dresses up like characters from famous horror movies.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Ain't Nothin' But Mutton Bustin'
Cleveland and Rallo bond at a sheep-riding exhibit at a petting zoo, but Rallo is crushed when he finds out what happens to the animals when they can no longer be ridden.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith, The
Stan learns that the CIA wants to wipe out Bullock's memory after he exhibits signs of dementia; Roger hires Stelio Kontos to deal with a student who's bullying Steve at school.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Lost in Space
In order to return to Earth, the space-bound Jeff must convince an Emperor that he is in love with Hayley.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Da Flippity Flop
Klaus swaps bodies with Stan after discovering that his original human body is on ice at the CIA; after converting the attic into a gym, Roger attempts to convince Stan to sign up for a lifetime membership.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Cello, Goodbye
Doug fears Carrie's new job is coming between them.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Paternal Affairs
Arthur dates Doug's favorite, recently divorced aunt.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Denial, The
Despite Phoebe's admonitions, Ross makes a drastic decision about Rachel. Chandler and Monica bicker over their living arrangements.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Loses His Insurance, The
Injured Joey must get an acting part in order to qualify for health insurance. Rachel finally learns the truth about her marriage to Ross.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Porsche, The
Rachel forces Ross to terminate their marriage. Phoebe's first triplet baby-sitting experience proves stressful. Joey pretends to own a sports car.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One on the Last Night, The
The guys and the women prepare for big changes in their living arrangements.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Mom
Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges
Bonnie moves in with Christy and takes over the house, becoming supermom. In fact, Bonnie's doing such a phenomenal job that it drives Christy crazy. Baxter returns after breaking up with his girlfriend and asks to live in the driveway. Thinking that this might restore some of the chaos in her life, Christy allows him to stay and winds up sleeping with him.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Road to the North Pole Part 1 & 2
Brian and Stewie take their adventures to the North Pole to seek out Santa Claus.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4615
Guests: Chris Hardwick, Ramen Chef, David Gray
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Frame Toby
Michael tries to frame Toby after he discovers he's back working in the office. Someone makes a big mess in the microwave at the office and won't clean it up. Jim buys his parents' house.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4615
Guests: Chris Hardwick, Ramen Chef, David Gray
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Surplus, The
With a $4,300 surplus to spend, the workers fight amongst themselves in order to get what they want. Andy and Angela go to Schrute Farms to work on wedding plans.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Bridget Jones is blissful and besotted in the arms of gorgeous lawyer Mark Darcy. Mark is accomplished, supportive and tolerant of (nearly) all of Bridget's tiny jealousies--why wouldn't every woman in London, including Mark's new long-legged, drop-dead gorgeous, "I-always-say-the-right-thing-at-all-times" intern, want to lure him away from the plumpish, opinionated, sometimes inappropriate Bridget? With the entry of the leggy threat, Bridget's pink clouds begin to turn gray as her attacks of self-doubt sorely test her relationship with Darcy. And just when it seems that the waters couldn't get any more choppy, Bridget's former boss, womanizing heartthrob Daniel Cleaver, sails into view. Ms. Jones careens from embarrassing situation to romantic misunderstanding, still managing to muddle through in this continuation of the trials and tribulations of the working woman who has become the symbolic heroine of 'singletons' everywhere.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks (1)
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Business Still Sucks (2)
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dial "B" for Virgin
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Gospel
Earl turns his karmic attentions on a reverend whom he aggrieved in the past. But forgiveness is fleeting when the religious figure finds out about Earl's many other misdeeds. Meanwhile, Joy is a blade runner: She hits Catalina with a riding mower.
TV-14
 

Friday, September 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Uh-Oh It's Magic
When Russell takes his date to a magic show, the magician makes her disappear. Meanwhile, Audrey unknowingly slips up when she tells Brenda's girlfriend about the baby.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Inside Probe, Part 1
News show "Inside Probe" investigated the disappearance of the Crab Shack owner. When Darnell is finally able to sign the release papers due to no longer being in witness protection, the show airs on TV after eight years, turning several Camden residents into murder suspects.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
No Pot to Pease In
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Credit Check Episode, The
Nick needs a new van for work, but Suzanne worries they are already too much in debt. It turns out Suzanne has some credit issues she hasn't revealed to Nick.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Sugar Momma
Renee comes to the school for a health fair and passes out condoms, putting she and Cora at odds. Derek meets a rich girl that wants to run his life.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Help Me, Ella
Ella becomes director of the Help Center. Meanwhile, Malik considers dropping out.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Thirteen Candles
At her thirteenth birthday party, D.J. Tanner must face embarrassment from her intrusive family as well as admit her own feelings for a boy.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Wreck Me
TV-PG
10:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Woman in Love (It's Not Me), A
TV-PG
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Eye, Tooth
Actor William Shatner is booked as a guest on Hilary's show.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I Done (Part 1)
The Banks family is moving; Will discourages potential buyers.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Roberta?
Donna puts Cleveland's parenting skills to the test by leaving him alone with Roberta for a weekend; Rallo thinks he's invisible.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Like a Boss
Cleveland attempts to sabotage Tim after he gets a promotion at Waterman Cable; Rallo tricks Junior into thinking his pet turtle talks.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Knows Best
When Stan's military discipline becomes too strict for the liberal Hayley, she runs off with her boyfriend. Meanwhile Steve claims Roger as his burn-scarred sister in a valiant effort to get some boob.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Francine's Flashback
Roger's death leaves the entire family strained as Francine loses her faith and Stan struggles not to lose his manhood.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Rock, The
Doug belatedly learns Carrie's engagement ring is valuable.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Road Rayge
Doug cheats on a driver's test and loses his license.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Runs, The
Chandler learns how obsessively neat Monica is when he attempts to do her a favor. Joey desperately tries not to flirt with his sexy new roommate (ELLE MACPHERSON).
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Teeth, The
The guys explore their femininity. Phoebe causes trouble when she kisses someone at Rachel's work.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Apothecary Table, The
Joey finally dates Janine (ELLE MACPHERSON), but she doesn't like his friends. Rachel worries that Phoebe won't appreciate the way she furnishes their apartment
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With The Joke, The
Ross and Chandler bicker over which of them created a raunchy joke. Phoebe antagonizes Monica and Rachel with her candor. Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soul Mate, The
George suspects the foundation attorney believes he murdered Susan.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Mom
Corned Beef and Handcuffs
When Christy and Bonnie are shocked to learn that Marjorie has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and they offer to support her by accompanying her to her chemotherapy appointments. As Christy spends more time with Marjorie, she learns that Marjorie's relationship with her son is strained at best, and that she lives with an excessive amount of cats. Marjorie's struggles remind Christy that she needs to make the best of every situation and to work on keeping her relationships with her children loving and positive.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can't wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she's dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they'll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
TV-PG
5:00 am
Jeff Foxworthy Show, The
Moonstruck
Jeff and Wayne team up to give Matt an important family rite of passage.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Inside Probe, Part 2
How did the Crab Shack's owner disappear Was it an alien abduction; a hundred-year-old feud; or could the victim's fetish videos be the answer When the truth is revealed, everyone is shocked to find that the answer has been under their noses all along.
TV-14
 

Saturday, September 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (2)
TV-PG
8:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Paynefully Fit
Curtis becomes a contestant on "Paynefully Fit," while Deshawn gets advice about girls.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Country Cousin
Sasha's country relative (played by Denise Boutte), comes to help out while Sasha is away. The family has to get used to her country ways. Brianna uses her design skills to makeover a homely girl, who in turn becomes a prima donna.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Viral Video Episode, The
Suzanne gets caught dancing on a video that soon becomes a huge viral hit. Marilyn decides Lindsey needs to learn how to cook soul food.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Educating Doug
Doug takes an English lit class to please Carrie.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Supermarket Story
Carrie's plan for a simple Thanksgiving falls apart when she shops for food.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they'll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Sister (Part 1), The
Rachel tries to help her pampered younger sister, Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON), find independence, but Jill flirting with Ross is not part of the plan. Monica won't admit that she is sick.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 1), The
The friends ponder what might have come to pass if each had taken a different path in life.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 2), The
In the speculative fantasy, Ross initiates romantic advances with his wife Carol (JANE SIBBETT); Chandler and Monica help each other overcome loneliness; Rachel learns the truth about her husband; and Phoebe sneaks out of the hospital.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Thunder, The
Monica excitedly reveals her good news to everyone, but Rachel and Ross upstage her. Chandler has trouble making love.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Fixer Upper
Doug doesn't want Carrie to play matchmaker for Spence.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Crappy Birthday
Doug forgets Carrie's 30th birthday.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bizzaro Jerry, The
Elaine's soon-to-be former beau has two friends who resemble George and Kramer.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Little Kicks, The
Kramer's friend forces Jerry to perform an illegal activity.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fatigues, The
Jerry's new girlfriend has a mentor; Elaine must fire a troubled employee.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Sullivan & Son
Kiss Is Never Just a Kiss, A
Steve goes all out to impress an exciting new woman, with the help of Melanie. Meanwhile, Hank's doctor prescribes him testosterone, but a mishap leads to a "juiced up" Hank.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Movie
My Best Friend's Girl
Tank (Dane Cook) faces the ultimate test of friendship when his best friend (Jason Biggs) hires him to take his ex-girlfriend (Kate Hudson) out on a lousy date in order to make her realize how great her former boyfriend is.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie
Just Married
Tom is a sports announcer who comes from blue collar roots. Sarah is a writer whose family is as wealthy as it is snobbish. Much to her family''s--and ex-boyfriend''s--horror, Sarah and Tom fall in love and get married. Following their wedding, Tom and Sarah set off for what they expect to be the perfect honeymoon; however, thanks to her conspiring family and vindictive ex, the happy couple experiences the honeymoon from hell.
TV-14
3:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (1)
The Bundys and D'Arcys go on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, September 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (2)
The Bundys' and D'Arcy's Caribbean cruise is ruined when the ship sinks.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
But I Didn't Shoot the Deputy
Steve and Marcy buy a huge watch dog which annoys Al with his constant barking. But when Peggy hears a noise in the night, Al accidentally shoots the dog.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Full House
Crushed
Stephanie's favorite rock star, TOMMY PAGE, comes to her birthday party. D.J. also yearns for Tommy, and the girls both try to win his affection.
TV-G
7:30 am
Full House
Spellbound
Stephanie competes in a spelling contest at school. Jesse gives Michelle a reading lesson, and Danny gives Stephanie a lesson in being a good loser.
TV-G
8:00 am
Sullivan & Son
Kiss Is Never Just a Kiss, A
Steve goes all out to impress an exciting new woman, with the help of Melanie. Meanwhile, Hank's doctor prescribes him testosterone, but a mishap leads to a "juiced up" Hank.
TV-14
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Book, The
Monica is outraged to find out what her parents did with her wedding fund. Joey discovers Rachel's late-night reading material.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Just Married
Tom is a sports announcer who comes from blue collar roots. Sarah is a writer whose family is as wealthy as it is snobbish. Much to her family''s--and ex-boyfriend''s--horror, Sarah and Tom fall in love and get married. Following their wedding, Tom and Sarah set off for what they expect to be the perfect honeymoon; however, thanks to her conspiring family and vindictive ex, the happy couple experiences the honeymoon from hell.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there's been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn't crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Kansas City Royals @ New York Yankees
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Cookies, The
Monica desperately tries to figure out a secret cookie recipe. Chandler fails to impress Monica's father.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Assistant, The
Rachel is in a quandary when a sexy but unqualified man (EDDIE CAHILL) applies to be her assistant. Chandler, Monica and Ross tell embarrassing secrets about one another.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Engagement Picture, The
Joey tries to teach Chandler how to smile for the camera. Phoebe and Ross bicker over their divorcing friends.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid's mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you've just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they're not the soul mates they'd hoped they might be. With Alison's harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they've got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can't wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she's dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid's mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you've just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they're not the soul mates they'd hoped they might be. With Alison's harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they've got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
One for the Money
A proud, born-and-bred Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum's got plenty of attitude, even if she's been out of work for the last six months and just lost her car to a debt collector. Desperate for some fast cash, Stephanie turns to her last resort: convincing her sleazy cousin to give her a job at his bail bonding company as a recovery agent. True, she doesn't even own a pair of handcuffs and her weapon of choice is pepper spray, but that doesn't stop Stephanie from taking on Vinny's biggest bail-jumper: former vice cop and murder suspect Joe Morelli - yup, the same sexy, irresistible Joe Morelli who seduced and dumped her back in high school. Nabbing Morelli would be a satisfying payback - and a hefty payday - but as Stephanie learns the ins and outs of becoming a recovery agent from Ranger, a hunky colleague who is the best in the business, she also realizes the case against Morelli isn't airtight. Add to the mix her meddling family, a potentially homicidal boxer, witnesses who keep dying and the problem of all those flying sparks when she finds Morelli himself. Suddenly Stephanie's new job isn't nearly as easy as she thought.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there's been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn't crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
And Bingo was Her Game-O
Peggy wins $10,000 playing Bingo. Meanwhile, NO MA'AM chooses their official beer.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Undergraduate, The
A twelve year old boy with a crush on Kelly gets her to go to his junior prom with him.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
User Friendly
While Al and his friends tries to find out what a light switch in the Bundy house do, Bud experiences cyber sex... with Amber.
TV-PG
 

Monday, September 8

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Singing and Dancing
When Timmy joins an a cappella group, he wants to keep it a secret from Russell. Meanwhile, Jeff and Audrey discover they have a new annoying neighbor.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Dodge's Dad
When Dodge wants his real father to appear at his school's career day, Earl sees the opportunity to make up for ruining Dodge's career day once, but in order to do that he needs to find Dodge's real dad, much to Joy's dismay.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Shoeless Al
Al can't wear shoes because of his phony lawsuit against the mall.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Pump Fiction
Al and Kelly make a short film about shoes, and they end up getting $10,000 dollars to produce another one.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Rat in the House Episode, The
Kevin takes care of a rat that ends up getting lost in the house. Tension arises between Gigi and Lindsey when one of Gigi's old boyfriends showers them with gifts and clothes.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Non-Frequent Flyer
Brown takes his first plane flight with Cora and everything goes wrong. Derek is mistaken for a famous person and he uses it to his advantage.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Pills and Thrills
Calvin is invited back to work, then decides he isn't ready and doesn't show. Floyd has a new girlfriend who looks awfully familiar to Curtis. Curtis realizes he knew the girlfriend...when she was a man.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Mr. Egghead
Stephanie's jitters over Class Picture Day aren't helped when Joey, in his new job as TV's "Mr. Egghead," accidentally injures her nose when she appears on his show.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Come Around Here No More
TV-PG
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I Done (Part 2)
The Banks family is moving; Will discourages potential buyers.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Pilot
Urban youth Will moves in with his rich relatives.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Bang the Drum, Ashley
Ashley trades her violin for drums.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Short Story and a Tall Tale, A
Rallo incurs a diminutive mobster's wrath after reneging on a promise to marry the mobster's sister.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Terry Unmarried
When Donna reveals she never finalized her divorce, Cleveland decides to live the life of a bachelor and go drinking with his friends...only to discover that Terry Kimple is gay.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Rodger Codger
After a forgotten anniversary leads Stan to submit Francine for memory erasure at the CIA, she reverts twenty years back instead of twenty minutes, becoming once again the wild child she used to be.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Homeland Insecurity
When a new set of Iranian neighbors sends Stan off in a whirl of suspicion that leads to the destruction of Francine's block party, he must find a way to conquer the foreign threat and make it up to her at the same time.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Steve is falling in love with Chuck's daughter, Betsy.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Bullocks to Stan
Hayley dumps Jeff and dates Bullock. Stan withholds his objections in order to get a promotion.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Noel Cowards
Arthur's Christmas gift drives Doug and Carrie crazy.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Best Man
Doug discovers Carrie's shocking secret at a wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Nap Partners, The
Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honor, but Monica doesn't want to make the decision. Chandler tries to apologize to a girlfriend from his youth.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Library Book, The
Chandler's former girlfriend (MAGGIE WHEELER) manipulates Chandler and Monica. Rachel and Phoebe meddle in Joey's relationship. KRISTIN DAVIS also guest stars.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Checks, The
Jerry receives bundles of small residual checks from his Japanese TV appearance.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chicken Roaster, The
A celebrity opens a chicken restaurant in Jerry's neighborhood.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Mom
Cotton Candy and Blended Fish
Christy is taken aback when Bonnie agrees to go on a date with Chef Rudy and winds up sleeping with him. Bonnie goes on and on about how much she likes Chef Rudy, but he then tells Christy that he has no plans to see her mother again and urges her to break up with Bonnie for him. Bonnie then goes to Chef Rudy's house and takes out her anger on his precious wine collection, which then causes him to fall for her all over again.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
And I'm Joyce Kinney
Lois is horrified when television news reporter Joyce Kinney exposes Lois as a former pornographic film star.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends of Peter G.
After Peter is arrested for a public intoxication, a judge sentences him to attend AA meetings-where Peter and Brian convince their AA brethren that the best place to get drunk is at the meeting.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
German Guy
Herbert warns Chris that the kind old German puppeteer Chris has befriended is a Nazi war criminal.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4616
Guests: Mel Brooks, Adam Devine, Alt-J
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Moroccan Christmas
Phyllis blackmails Angela into doing the work for the Christmas party, which Michael turns into an intervention after Meredith gets drunk and sets her hair on fire. Meanwhile, Dwight corners the market on a popular Christmas gift.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4616
Guests: Mel Brooks, Adam Devine, Alt-J
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Duel, The
Thanks to Michael's big mouth, Andy finally learns that his beloved Angela had an affair with Dwight, a discovery that incites the two romantic rivals to square off. Elsewhere, Michael is on edge about a corporate appointment with bigwig Wallace.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
School for Scoundrels
Roger is a beleaguered New York City meter maid who is plagued by anxiety and low self-esteem. In order to overcome his feelings of inadequacy, Roger enrolls in a top-secret confidence-building class taught by the suavely underhanded Dr. P. Aided by his assistant, Lesher, Dr. P uses unorthodox, often dangerous methods, but he guarantees results: Employ his techniques and you will unleash your inner lion. Surrounded by a band of misfit classmates-- Walsh, who's dying to move out of mother's basement; Diego, a punching bag for his hen-pecker of a wife; and Eli, a shy guy just looking for female companionship--Roger's confidence grows and he makes his way to the head of the class, even finding the courage to ask out his longtime crush, Amanda. But Roger quickly discovers that star students have a way of catapulting Dr. P's competitive side into high gear. Soon enough, the teacher sets out to infiltrate and destroy Roger's personal and professional life. Nothing is off limits for Dr. P, not even the object of Roger's affection. In order to show Amanda Dr. P's true colors, Roger must rally his new friends and find a way to beat the master at his own game.
TV-14
4:15 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:30 am
Married With Children
Radio Free Trumaine
In an attempt for a spinoff, we follow the lives of DJs Oliver Cole and Mark Campbell at a local radio station at Bud's college. Oliver and Mark risk being expelled for revealing the truth about dean Steve Rhoades' past.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Shoe Room with a View, A
Al arranges for an aerobics studio to open next to the shoe store.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Pilot
An epiphany prompts a small-time crook to right the wrongs he has done in his life, beginning with a grade-schooler (Gregg Binkley) he teased.
TV-14
 

Tuesday, September 9

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff Day
When Jeff proclaims it's "Jeff Day," he gets his way until the cleaning lady arrives. Meanwhile, Adam has to figure out why his eye is twitching.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Quit Smoking
Earl decides that one way he can balance the karmic scales is by quitting smoking, but this proves to be more difficult than he imagined.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
When Bud decides to move out, Peggy's mother arrives to stay.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Briard
The family tries to console Kelly when Buck dies.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
No Nah Nah Episode, The
Nick says he is too tired for sex one night, leading Suzanne to speculate that something is not right in their relationship.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Football Coach
Simone introduces her mom, who wants Simone to marry the father of her child, to Sasha. Cora takes over the football team and they win their first game.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Scars of Payne
Ella runs a gun buy back program at the Help Center that is threatened by rival gang members. Curtis, bored, wants to volunteer at the Help Center and causes mischief.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Those Better Not Be the Days
Danny, Jesse and Joey change places with the girls and act like the children. Later, the guys daydream about how the future would be if they didn't teach the girls how to help themselves.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Gunslingers
TV-PG
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Clubba Hubba
Carlton tutors Will on meeting country club women.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Not With My Pig, You Don't
Will tries to smooth relations between Philip and his provincial parents.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy
Hilary falls for Will's old pal.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Blue and the Gray and the Brown, The
Cleveland and his friends attempt to change the outcome of the Civil War after Cleveland is tricked into preserving a statue of the city's founding father, a slaveholder.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Way the Cookie Crumbles, The
Cleveland and his friends target a con man who scammed Cookie and Freight Train out of their life savings; Rallo uses a toy microphone to give his vocal skills a workout.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Dog Days
A barking dog keeps the Heffernans up all night.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hungry Man
Doug embarrasses Carrie at her boss' cocktail party.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Abstinence, The
George benefits when his new girlfriend's illness requires their abstinence.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Andrea Doria, The
George wants a better apartment; Jerry learns Newman is hiding mail.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Mom
Hot Soup and Shingles
Christy refuses to ask for help after spraining her ankle badly and winds up hurting herself more and more. After falling off a ladder and burning herself at work, she finally admits that she needs Bonnie's help, which leads to a discussion about how their strained relationship conditioned her to be fiercely independent. Meanwhile, Baxter and Luke bond as they attempt to fix Christy's roof, but wind up getting high together instead.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Sullivan & Son
You, Me and Gary
After the kiss, Melanie and Steve want to keep their new thing quiet, but Melanie's nosy neighbor Gary (John Michael Higgins) isn't one to keep secrets.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4617
Guests: Anna Faris, John Hodgman, Wiz Khalifa
TV-14
12:00 am
Sullivan & Son
You, Me and Gary
After the kiss, Melanie and Steve want to keep their new thing quiet, but Melanie's nosy neighbor Gary (John Michael Higgins) isn't one to keep secrets.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4617
Guests: Anna Faris, John Hodgman, Wiz Khalifa
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Prince Family Paper
Michael and Dwight spy on a rival paper company. The rest of the office debates whether or not Hilary Swank is hot.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Tuxedo, The
Cabbie-turned-chauffeur Jimmy Tong learns there is really only one rule when you work for playboy millionaire Clark Devlin: Never touch Devlin's prized tuxedo. But when Devlin is temporarily put out of commission in an explosive "accident," Jimmy puts on the tux and soon discovers that this extraordinary suit may be more black belt than black tie. Suddenly thrust into a dangerous world of espionage, paired with a rookie partner as inexperienced as he is, Jimmy becomes an unwitting--if impeccably dressed--secret agent.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Reverend Al
Al and his friends turn No Ma'am into a tax-exempt church.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
How Bleen Was My Kelly
Kelly accidentally invents a baldness cure with some unusual side effects.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Weaker Sex, The
Al suffers public scorn when Peggy is declared a hero for taking out a pickpocket.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Randy's Touchdown
Earl tries to amend for an unethical sports wager on a high-school game that deprived his brother Randy of a chance to score a touchdown.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, September 10

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Zygote
When Jeff and Audrey see a fertility specialist with their surrogate, they discover a zygote. Meanwhile, Russell and Timmy go on double dates again.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Faked His Own Death
While atoning for stealing from a convenience store, Earl sees Natalie (Beth Riesgraf), a woman he broke up with by faking his own death.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Flight of the Bumblebee
Bud takes on wrestler King Kong Bundy as his initiation into "No Ma'am."
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Blonde and Blonder
Kelly's class reunion becomes the scene for an ex-nerd's revenge.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Booty Episode, The
Nick goes to watch a game with friends at a sports bar known to have sexy female waitresses. The kids want a larger allowance, but they're not willing to do more chores.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Shopaholic
Cora gets addicted to internet shopping. Meanwhile Brown finds an artifact in the backyard. It leads to him digging for a treasure.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Right Turn
Curtis does community service at the Help Center. Miranda doesn't invite Janine to a concert.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Honey, I Broke the House
Stephanie wants to run away from home when she fears punishment for driving Joey's car into the kitchen.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Here Comes My Girl
TV-PG
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Mistaken Identity
Jailed, Will and Carlton arrange a media stunt.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Def Poet's Society
Will joins the poetry club.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Someday Your Prince Will Be in Effect (Part 1)
Will and Carlton vie for dates for Hilary's party.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
To Live and Die in VA
Lester grows suicidal after losing his life savings in Cleveland's beer truck business; Rallo opens his own barbershop.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Essence of Cleveland, The
Complications ensue when Cleveland bonds with a formerly heavyset classmate of Donna's.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but things are difficult due to Stan's obsession with guns. In the process, Hayley herself accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join an organization to feel accepted, only to discover she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Court Date
Doug hatches a scheme after Carrie gets a traffic ticket.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
S'ain't Valentine's
Arthur meets an intoxicating woman (Anne Meara) at a St. Valentine's Day dance.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Award, The
Joey overreacts at a daytime drama awards show. Daytime drama actresses McKENZIE WESTMORE and ALISON SWEENEY guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Little Jerry, The
George finds the perfect woman; Kramer gets a pet; Elaine dates a bald man.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Comeback, The
Jerry joins a tennis club; a co-worker's insults test George.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Mom
Fireballs and Bullet Holes
While at lunch one day, Christy tells Marjorie that she met her biological father. Marjorie advises her to go and tell him the truth because life is short. Christy drives up to see him and it doesn't go well for her at all; Alvin wants nothing to do with her. Bonnie is hurt that Christy did this without telling her and even more furious with Alvin. Later, Alvin shows up at Christy's place and apologizes for his actions, saying that Christy caught him completely off-guard and brought up shameful memories he's tried to repress. She gets upset with him for neglecting to tell his new family about her and feels abandoned yet again. In the end, Alvin brings Christy a Camero and introduces her to her brothers, Douglas and Jackie.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4618
Guests: Seth Green, Leslie Bibb, Sturgill Simpson
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Stress Relief Part 1
When Dwight's unannounced fire-safety drill gives Stanley a heart attack, Michael decides the office needs help with stress relief. While watching a bootleg movie, Andy believes Jim and Pam are film gurus from hearing them discuss her parents' faltering marriage.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4618
Guests: Seth Green, Leslie Bibb, Sturgill Simpson
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Stress Relief Part 2
When Dwight's unannounced fire-safety drill gives Stanley a heart attack, Michael decides the office needs help with stress relief. While watching a bootleg movie, Andy believes Jim and Pam are film gurus from hearing them discuss her parents' faltering marriage.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Scary Movie 4
The ever-naïve Cindy Campbell, seeking a career in home healthcare, finds work with a creepy old lady in an even creepier old house haunted by a ghostly presence. Throw in a good-looking guy next door and the threat of aliens intent on global domination and Cindy's instantly up to the top of her extremely blond head in danger. Our fearless heroine catapults into action once again struggling to decipher ominous messages from the beyond, looking for love in some very weird places and trying to save the world from mass destruction. As she struggles to discover life-saving answers, Cindy encounters horrific plane crashes, bodacious blind girls, village idiots, disheveled rappers, kinky contraptions, psycho survivalists, alien sphincters and even Oprah!
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl II
Marcy is determined to keep Polk High's new football scoreboard from being named after Al.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Bearly Men
Al must prove himself a man so his father-in-law will take Peggy's mom back home.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Two That Got Away, The
Bumped from their fishing lodge cabin, Al and Jefferson seek revenge against actress Shannon Tweed.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Teacher Earl
Earl's old friend, Ralph (Giovanni Ribisi), gets out of prison and kidnaps Randy, hoping he will reveal where to find Earl's money.
TV-14
 

Thursday, September 11

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Anniversary Chicken
After Jeff stuns Audrey by remembering their wedding date the surprise is on Jeff. Timmy helps Russell on a date.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine
Earl tries to help Joy's former nemesis and her daughter win a beauty pageant to make up for breaking a special figurine only awarded to pageant winners.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
I Can't Believe It's Butter
Al forces Peggy's mom to get a job right before Christmas.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Love Conquers Al
Peggy takes Al and her parents to a marriage therapy retreat.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Get Together Episode, The
Nick notices the family is disconnected and proposes a get-together with friends and family. Unfortunately, Nick's planning leaves out some important details, leading to chaos.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Patience
Cora's patience is tested when a lonely old lady continues to show up at her door looking for a companion. Brianna gets her first job at a fast food restaurant.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Loan Ranger, The
Malik finds out his friend is gay. Curtis loans Ella money.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Just Say No Way
The problem of teenage drinking arises when D.J. is unjustly suspected of drinking beer at a school dance.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mystery Man
TV-PG
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Someday Your Prince Will Be in Effect (Part 2)
Will and Carlton vie for dates for Hilary's party.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Kiss My Butler
Will is attracted to Geoffrey's date.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Courting Disaster
Carlton feels overshadowed by star player Will.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Ship'rect
Cleveland befriends celebrity idol Barry Shadwell and joins his sailing team, but has a change of heart about participating in a sailing event after he and Shadwell share a kiss.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Back to Cool
After Junior bonds with Donna's ex-husband, Robert, Cleveland challenges Robert to a "Coolympics" competition.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
It's Good to be Queen
Stan seeks revenge for being the focus of a prank during his high school years by showing off that he married Francine, who is the homecoming queen. However, when her title is revealed to be a mistake, Stan's pride gets the best of him and goes out with the real queen.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
White Collar
A new promotion makes Doug miserable.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Rayney Day
Doug plays golf in the rain; guest Ray Romano.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Vows, The
As Monica and Chandler prepare their wedding vows, they and their friends reminisce. The episode features numerous clips from previous shows.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding (Part 1), The
On the eve of the wedding, Ross searches for missing Chandler, who has doubts, while the girls distract unsuspecting Monica.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica & Chandler's Wedding (Part 2), The
Monica remains blissfully unaware of the potential disasters on her wedding day. ELLIOTT GOULD, CHRISTINA PICKLES, MORGAN FAIRCHILD, GARY OLDMAN and KATHLEEN TURNER guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Money, The
Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac, thinking he needs money; J. Peterman returns.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Van Buren Boys, The
George interviews student candidates for Susan's scholarship.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Mom
Nietzsche and a Beer Run
Christy meets a very sexy fireman named David while at work and begins a fling with him. In contrast to her slow moving relationship with Adam, Christy dives in head first with David, but she winds up questioning her ability to keep seeing him after he turns out to party a little too much. She worries that his excessive drinking and drug use might cause her to slip off the wagon, but no matter how hard she tries, she can't bring herself to end it.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4619
Guests: Garfunkel & Oates
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Lecture Circuit Part 1
With Pam in tow, Michael gets sent around to other Dunder Mifflin branches to explain Scranton's success. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim, the new heads of the party planning committee, forget Kelly's birthday, and Andy falls for one of Stanley's account contacts.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4619
Guests: Garfunkel & Oates
TV-14
1:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Lecture Circuit Part 2
Michael and Pam go to Nashua and discover that Holly has a new boyfriend. At the office, Jim and Dwight try to come up with a theme for Kelly's birthday party, and Angela gets a new cat.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Witless Protection
During a routine day spent patrolling his small town, sheriff Larry witnesses a beautiful, high-class woman, Madeleine, being held against her will by four mysterious, black-suited men. Recognizing the opportunity to save the day, Larry "kidnaps" her, only to learn that Madeleine is actually a key witness in a high-stakes Chicago crime case and her captors are FBI agents assigned to protect her. Madeleine is furious. But Larry, who rightly suspects the agents are crooked and Madeleine is in danger, forces her on a harebrained trip to Chicago to solve the case himself. Together, the mismatched duo must grapple with angry FBI agents, quack doctors and Chicago high society.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Hood, the Bud and the Kelly (1), The
To keep Kelly as a client, Bud sets out to produce a sexy exercise video.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Hood, the Bud and the Kelly (2), The
In order to save his life, Bud must finish his exercise video on time.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Calendar Girl
Al uses Bud's class project to beat out a rival shoe store owner.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Stole Beer from a Golfer
When Earl tries to atone for something simple from his list, things get complicated and he ends up neglecting Randy.
TV-14
 

Friday, September 12

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Set Up, The
When Russell discovers Timmy has a sister, he aims to impress. Meanwhile, Jeff and Audrey set their neighbor Liz up on a date.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Joy's Wedding
When Joy schedules her wedding on Earl's birthday and does not invite him, Earl gets drunk and crashes the ceremony and accidentally breaks Joy's nose in the process.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Spring Break (1)
As Kelly and her friends trick Bud's fraternity out of their spring break in Florida, Al and Griff join Jefferson in Fort Lauderdale to judge a college co-ed beauty contest.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Spring Break (2)
As Al prepares to chest to see that Kelly is named Miss Spring Break, Marcy and Bud lead some burned fraternity brothers to Florida for revenge.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Mr. Himdependent Episode, The
When Suzanne's ex-husband wants to lower his monthly child support payments, Nick jumps at the chance to get rid of Frank's financial support, while Suzanne has mixed feelings about Frank abandoning his responsibilities. Guest stars: Ice Cube, Charlie Murphy.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Dealmaker
A friend of Reggie's tries to illegally recruit one of Reggie's players. Joaquin writes an essay for Brianna. The essay wins the prize.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Amazing Matriarchs
The family comes together when Ella's mother dies.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Three Men and Another Baby
Three-year-old Michelle is jealous when the guys take care of baby for the night and the baby gets all of their attention.
TV-G
10:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Rhino Skin
TV-PG
10:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Scare Easy
TV-PG
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Talking Turkey
The kids cook Thanksgiving dinner.
TV-G
11:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Knowledge Is Power
Will blackmails Hilary into being his servant.
TV-G
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
Cleveland tries to generate interest for a comic book character at ComicCon; Donna is horrified to discover that director Robert Rodriguez is screening a Blaxploitation film she appeared in years earlier.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace him completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Tears of a Clooney
Francine is feeling depressed as another birthday comes around. In an effort to cheer her up, Stan helps Francine hatch a plan to break George Clooney's heart. Meanwhile, Roger adopts a bunch of orphans to help work his vineyard.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Camp Refoogee
Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one available that he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, Roger and Francine take up role-playing, though they can't come up with a mutual backstory.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Train Wreck
Doug is disappointed when his beautiful young trainee doesn't make Carrie jealous.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Where's Poppa
Hit by a foul ball, Doug ends up at Dr. Becker's and makes a friend (Bill Cosby).
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Dad, The
Chandler confronts his estranged cross-dressing father (KATHLEEN TURNER). Rachel gets into trouble driving Monica's Porsche. ALEXIS ARQUETTE guest stars.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After "I Do", The
The reception following Monica and Chandler's wedding is almost upstaged by the news that a member of the group might be pregnant.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Red Sweater, The
Rachel debates whether she should break the news to her baby's father.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Tells..., The
The real father of Rachel's baby is revealed; Monica and Chandler struggle to make their honeymoon flight.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Susie, The
Elaine creates an alternate persona at work; George tries to keep a girlfriend.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pothole, The
George takes extreme measures to locate his lost Yankees key ring.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Mom
Jail Jail and Japanese Porn
Regina is finally going to trial and she's terrified. She needs a character witness and asks Christy to testify for her. Meanwhile, Christy has secretly continued her relationship with David, but she has become totally preoccupied with him and is not really paying attention to how much his partying is affecting her life. Gabriel learns that she bought pot from Chef Rudy and tells Bonnie, who stages an intervention. Christy confesses that she hasn't fallen of the wagon, but she was buying pot for David. Angry with her mother, she goes to David's apartment only to find him making out with another woman. He tells her that this was meant to be a fun thing and that they never talked about being in a committed relationship. She realizes that it was more serious for her and she's heartbroken. In the midst of this turmoil, she has to show up to testify for Regina, who still winds up going to jail.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair
When Bonnie leaves town, Meg cares for Joe and ends up with a crush on him; Stewie accidentally creates an identical twin who is pure evil.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Trading Places
When Peter and Lois switch places with Chris and Brian, Angela fires Peter and replaces him with the more productive Brian.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tiegs For Two
Peter clashes with the owner of a dry cleaning business after he loses one of his white shirts; Brian infuriates Quagmire when he beings dating his old girlfriend, Cheryl Tiegs.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brothers and Sisters
Mayor West asks Lois's depressed, recently divorced sister to marry him; Peter treats Mayor West like a brother instead of a brother-in-law.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
Get Smart
Maxwell Smart is on a mission to thwart the latest plot for world domination by the evil crime syndicate known as KAOS. When the headquarters of U.S. spy agency Control is attacked and the identities of its agents compromised, the Chief has no choice but to promote his ever-eager analyst Maxwell Smart, who has always dreamt of working in the field alongside stalwart superstar Agent 23. Smart is partnered instead with the lovely-but-lethal veteran Agent 99. Given little field experience and even less time, Smart--armed with nothing but a few spy-tech gadgets and his unbridled enthusiasm--must thwart the doomsday plans of KAOS head Siegfried.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Envy
Tim and Nick are best friends, neighbors and co-workers, whose equal footing is suddenly tripped up when one of Nick's hare-brained get-rich-quick schemes actually succeeds: the Vaporizer, a spray that literally makes dog poop, or any other kind for that matter, evaporate into thin air--to where, exactly, is anyone's guess. Tim, who had scoffed at Nick's idea and passed on an opportunity to get in on the deal, can only watch as Nick's fortune--and Tim's own envy--grow to equally outrageous proportions. When the flames of jealousy are fanned by an oddball drifter who imposes himself into the situation, Tim's life careens wildly out of control, taking Nick's with it.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Agony and the Extra C, The
A Jefferson anniversary surprise is ruined when a drunken tattoo artist misspells Marcy's name.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Turning Japanese
To secure a big promotion at the bank, Marcy must first buy Al's car for her Japanese boss.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Jeff Foxworthy Show, The
Shootout at the Comedy Corral
Wayne's success as a stand-up comic rekindles his rivalry with Jeff; Gayle's new job is a challenge for her dour attitude.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Cost Dad the Election
Earl sets out to mend his relationship with his father (Beau Bridges) by renominating him to run for mayor.
TV-14
 

Saturday, September 13

6:00 am
Married With Children
Bud Hits the Books
Bud's unauthorized use of the library threatens his graduation.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Al Goes to the Dogs
Al and Marcy clash over a doghouse for Lucky.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kiss of the Coffee Woman
Al and Marcy object to Kelly and Jefferson's appearing as a couple in a suggestive TV commercial.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Enemies
A philandering delivery man's affair with Kelly causes problems with his own suspicious girlfriend.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
First Dance, The
Jazmine goes to her first dance with a boy.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Real Wedding
Colonel and Edna solicit help the help of the Brown family when they're ready to tie the knot. Renee does a favor for Sasha and holds it over her head.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Boy Has Style Episode, The
When Suzanne suspects that Lindsey's athletic new crush from school is gay because he has style, Nick sets out to prove that he isn't, until he can no longer ignore the signs and helps the boy tell Lindsay the truth.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Time Share
Doug and Carrie befriend their weird neighbors in order to get a Hamptons time share.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Maybe Baby
Doug and Carrie contemplate having a baby; Arthur recalls the day Carrie was born.
TV-PG
10:30 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
10:45 am
Movie
Head of State
Mays Gilliam, a Washington D.C. neighborhood Alderman, is about to be red-lined out of his job. But after the untimely death of the party frontrunner, Gilliam is plucked from obscurity, and thrust into the limelight as his party''s nominee--for President of the United States. The players in Gilliam''s life include: Mitch Gilliam, his unsophisticated older brother who becomes his running mate; Kim, his ex-girlfriend who had once dumped him, but who now has a sudden change of heart as she sees a chance at becoming First Lady; Martin Geller, his campaign manager; Lisa Clark, the woman who truly believes in Gilliam; and Debra Lassiter, the woman who doesn''t have faith in his candidacy, and is serving as his reluctant advisor.
TV-14
12:45 pm
Movie
Heartbreak Kid, The
After years of bachelorhood and ample pressure from his father, Doc, and best friend Mac, Eddie Cantrow starts to wonder if he is being too picky about the women he meets. So when a chance encounter with an alluring blonde named Lila leads to a sweet romance, Eddie impulsively proposes. But right after the wedding, as the newlyweds get to know each other on the drive down the California coast, Eddie begins to realize he's made a terrible mistake. Soon after reaching their exotic Mexican hideaway, he falls for the down-to-earth Miranda, who has no clue he's on his honeymoon. Now Eddie has to find a way to extricate himself from his days-old marriage without losing the girl of his dreams.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Videotape, The
Ross reveals that he videotaped a sexual encounter between Rachel and him.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Date, The
Ross is horrified when Rachel goes on a date with a soap-opera star (Johnny Messner); Phoebe is attracted to a clumsy chef whom Monica wants to fire.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stain, The
Rachel wants to find her own apartment; Phoebe is ecstatic when Eric (Sean Penn) dumps Ursula to date her.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stripper, The
Rachel tells her belligerent father (Ron Leibman) that she is pregnant with Ross' child.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
English Patient, The
Jerry lifts weights with his parents' Florida neighbor (Lloyd Bridges).
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Nap, The
George discovers how to take a nap at work and not get caught.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can't wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she's dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Speckerman Recurrance, The
Leonard comes face-to-face with his high school bully.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Shiny Trinket Maneuver, The
Sheldon gets in trouble with Amy, and it's up to Penny to teach him how to be a better boyfriend. Howard, meanwhile, must come to grips with Bernadette's dislike of children.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vacation Solution, The
When Sheldon is forced to take a vacation by the university, he goes to work with Amy in her neurobiology lab.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Sullivan & Son
You, Me and Gary
After the kiss, Melanie and Steve want to keep their new thing quiet, but Melanie's nosy neighbor Gary (John Michael Higgins) isn't one to keep secrets.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Movie
Heartbreak Kid, The
After years of bachelorhood and ample pressure from his father, Doc, and best friend Mac, Eddie Cantrow starts to wonder if he is being too picky about the women he meets. So when a chance encounter with an alluring blonde named Lila leads to a sweet romance, Eddie impulsively proposes. But right after the wedding, as the newlyweds get to know each other on the drive down the California coast, Eddie begins to realize he's made a terrible mistake. Soon after reaching their exotic Mexican hideaway, he falls for the down-to-earth Miranda, who has no clue he's on his honeymoon. Now Eddie has to find a way to extricate himself from his days-old marriage without losing the girl of his dreams.
TV-14
1:45 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
Torch Song Duet
Al helps Griff win a pair of tickets to the Olympic Games.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Joke's on Al, The
Al and Jefferson vie to claim the title of King of Practical Jokes.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Stepford Peg, The
Peggy's amnesia allows Al to mold her into the perfect wife.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Children of the Corns
Al and Griff try to blackmail their sweatshop-owning boss for a raise.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, September 14

6:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Boots, The
Chandler is angry when Monica buys expensive boots; Phoebe tries to get tickets to a Sting concert.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Dates Rachel, The
Rachel joins Joey for a night out in order to prepare him for a big date.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Takes a Bath, The
Monica blabs her suspicions when she mistakenly believes Joey is infatuated with Phoebe.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Sullivan & Son
You, Me and Gary
After the kiss, Melanie and Steve want to keep their new thing quiet, but Melanie's nosy neighbor Gary (John Michael Higgins) isn't one to keep secrets.
TV-14
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Secret Closet, The
Joey realizes his intense feelings for Rachel are excluding Ross from the joys of impending fatherhood.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Something Borrowed
Rachel is a talented attorney at a top New York law firm, a generous and loyal friend and, unhappily, still single as her engaged best friend Darcy is constantly reminding her. But after one drink too many at her 30th birthday party, perpetual good girl Rachel unexpectedly ends up in bed with the guy she's had a crush on since law school, Dex, who just happens to be Darcy's fiancé. When Rachel and Darcy's lifelong friendship collides with true love, it leads to unexpected complications and potentially explosive romantic revelations. Meanwhile, Ethan, who has been Rachel's constant confidante and sometimes conscience, has been harboring a secret of his own, and Marcus, an irrepressible womanizer, can't keep his mind out of the gutter or his hands off any girl within reach.
TV-14
11:00 am
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can't wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she's dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
1:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Game 11
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Arthur
Loveable billionaire Arthur Bach, an irresponsible charmer who has always relied on two things to get by: his limitless fortune and the good sense of his lifelong nanny and best friend Hobson, to keep him out of trouble. Kind-hearted, fun-loving, and utterly without purpose, Arthur spends every day in the heedless pursuit of amusement. But when his unpredictable public image threatens the staid reputation of the family foundation, Bach Worldwide, he is given an ultimatum: marry the beautiful but decidedly unlovable Susan Johnson, an ambitious corporate exec who can keep him in line, or say goodbye to his billion-dollar inheritance and the only way of life he knows. It's a deal Arthur would be inclined to take...if he hadn't just fallen for Naomi, a New York City tour guide who shares his idealism and spontaneity.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn't long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn't long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Arthur
Loveable billionaire Arthur Bach, an irresponsible charmer who has always relied on two things to get by: his limitless fortune and the good sense of his lifelong nanny and best friend Hobson, to keep him out of trouble. Kind-hearted, fun-loving, and utterly without purpose, Arthur spends every day in the heedless pursuit of amusement. But when his unpredictable public image threatens the staid reputation of the family foundation, Bach Worldwide, he is given an ultimatum: marry the beautiful but decidedly unlovable Susan Johnson, an ambitious corporate exec who can keep him in line, or say goodbye to his billion-dollar inheritance and the only way of life he knows. It's a deal Arthur would be inclined to take...if he hadn't just fallen for Naomi, a New York City tour guide who shares his idealism and spontaneity.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Twisted
A killer storm strikes, leaving the Bundys and D'Arcys sharing a basement shelter.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Grime and Punishment
When he starts charging Bud rent, Al is confined to the basement until he makes some much-needed repairs.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Crimes Against Obesity
As he's trying to celebrate his birthday, Al is put on trial by a group of obese women.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly's Gotta Habit
As Kelly agrees to give up sex for a big TV commercial, Al teams with Officer Dan for an appearance on Cops.
TV-PG