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SCHEDULE: February 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Friday, February 27

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Taking Names
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Christmas
Al does his yearly pre-Christmas inspection of the family and can find they've done nothing wrong, which means he has to buy them presents, but he has to take a job as a Department Store Santa to pay for the gifts.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Show, The
As the Bundys prepare to attend their cousin Jimmy's wedding, everything begins to go wrong. Al can't find his suit, Peg can't get her make-up right, Kelly and the bridesmaids think they have on the wrong dresses and Bud gets caught with the bride.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Al takes a fishing trip alone, only to have Peg and Marcy show up and spoil his vacation.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Heels on Wheels
Kelly buys a motorcycle to put some fun back into her life, but disaster strikes when Al decides to take the bike out for a spin.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Bad Boys II
Miami narcotics detectives Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett become part of a high-tech task force assigned to stem the flood of designer ecstasy into Miami. They unwittingly uncover a deadly conspiracy involving a ruthless drug lord who is determined to expand his empire and take control of the city's burgeoning narcotics trade, killing anyone who stands in his way. To make matters worse, Marcus' beautiful sister Syd, an undercover DEA agent, gets caught in the crossfire, forcing our heroes to the edge of the law. The assignment takes on further complications when romantic sparks start to fly between Mike and Syd, driving her overly protective brother completely around the bend. But Marcus and Mike must overcome their differences to bring down Tapia. And when Syd's cover is jeopardized, it's up to the Bad Boys to rescue her.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Once Upon a Tyne in New York
Cleveland takes Donna to New York City, but ends up spending most of his time bailing out his friends when they get into trouble; Coach McFall tries to reunite with his former love, actress Tyne Daly.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Fartbreak Hotel
When Roger releases lethal gas into the Smith residence, the family moves into a hotel while the fumes clear. Francine finds herself with a lot of free time on her hands, and she soon finds herself working in the construction business.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Stanny-Boy and Frantastic
On the hunt for new friends, Stan and Francine hit it off with a younger married couple, Tom and Cami.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Pinata Named Desire, A
Stan takes an acting class taught by Roger after he blows an undercover assignment. Stan then uses his newfound acting skills to steal a part in a local play from Roger. Roger, down but not out, takes out the play's female lead and gets her part. Now it's opening night and Stan and Roger take to the stage to see who is the better actor. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends plan a sleepover.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
You Debt Your Life
Roger moves out of the house when he finds out that Stan only let him live there because Roger had saved his life years ago at Area 51. Francine gets Roger to come back home, only to find that Stan has rented out Roger's attic to a new tenant - Andy Dick. Now Roger must find a way to convince Stan to take him back and get rid of Andy Dick. Meanwhile, Steve gets asked to read the daily announcements at school.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Never Met The Dead Man
Teaching Meg to drive, Peter wrecks a satellite dish; Stewie hates vegetables.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Strike One
Doug buys a new car against Carrie's wishes and regrets it almost immediately.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Strike Too
With nothing to do during the IPS strike, Doug tries substitute teaching at the school at which his sister, Stephanie (Ricki Lake), works.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Strike Out
The IPS strike continues and Carrie arranges a play date for Doug.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Takes a Bath, The
Monica blabs her suspicions when she mistakenly believes Joey is infatuated with Phoebe.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Secret Closet, The
Joey realizes his intense feelings for Rachel are excluding Ross from the joys of impending fatherhood.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Tells Rachel, The
Rachel joins Joey for a night out in order to prepare him for a big date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Tea Leaves, The
Rachel devises a lie about her unborn child that she hopes will break the silence between her and Joey; Phoebe reads tea leaves and predicts she will soon encounter the man of her dreams.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Masseuse, The
Jerry can't get his masseuse girlfriend to give him a massage.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Conversion, The
Jerry thinks his girlfriend has a fungus; George converts.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stall, The
Elaine's toilet stall has no tissue; George acts giddy around Elaine's boyfriend (Dan Cortese); guest Jami Gertz.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
King of the Nerds
Murder at Nerdvana?!
In the darkest episode yet in the storied history of Nerdvana, Pom Pom Kitty is Scooby Doo'd and it is up to the intrepid Nerds to solve what monster is behind her disappearance! A master strategist struggles with loyalty, and two of the brainiest bash Zombie brains to survive another night. When the teams are disbanded, they must sally forth into the darkness ahead alone.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It's an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men's sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship's helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport's governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy's) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
12:00 am
King of the Nerds
Murder at Nerdvana?!
In the darkest episode yet in the storied history of Nerdvana, Pom Pom Kitty is Scooby Doo'd and it is up to the intrepid Nerds to solve what monster is behind her disappearance! A master strategist struggles with loyalty, and two of the brainiest bash Zombie brains to survive another night. When the teams are disbanded, they must sally forth into the darkness ahead alone.
TV-14
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
This Old Town
An elderly couple, Ann (Shirley Jones) and Norman McCormack, buy Grayson's old house after Jules promises them that they will all spend time together. Forced to hang out with the McCormacks, Ellie, Jules and Grayson soon discover that there are many perks to being old. Meanwhile, when another one of Bobby's get-rich-quick schemes doesn't pan out, he tries to switch up his luck by renaming his boat. And Travis searches for the perfect partner to win a high-stakes penny can game.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Criminal Kind, The
Inspired by The Breakfast Club, the Cul-De-Sac Crew offers insight into their innermost thoughts through voice-overs. Grayson is crushed after discovering some harsh reviews on Yelp. And Jules goes to extremes to prove she's not a goody-two-shoes, ultimately landing herself in grocery store jail.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Bad Boys II
Miami narcotics detectives Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett become part of a high-tech task force assigned to stem the flood of designer ecstasy into Miami. They unwittingly uncover a deadly conspiracy involving a ruthless drug lord who is determined to expand his empire and take control of the city's burgeoning narcotics trade, killing anyone who stands in his way. To make matters worse, Marcus' beautiful sister Syd, an undercover DEA agent, gets caught in the crossfire, forcing our heroes to the edge of the law. The assignment takes on further complications when romantic sparks start to fly between Mike and Syd, driving her overly protective brother completely around the bend. But Marcus and Mike must overcome their differences to bring down Tapia. And when Syd's cover is jeopardized, it's up to the Bad Boys to rescue her.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Mr. Empty Pants
Peggy's unflattering cartoon makes Al a reluctant celebrity.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
You Can't Miss
Bud goes on a dating game for "nerds."
TV-PG
 

Saturday, February 28

6:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy and the Pirates
While reading a romance novel, Peg fantasizes that she is a lady in distress and Al is the pirate who saves her.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Go for the Old
Al becomes obsessed with his age after a theater cashier gives him a senior citizen's discount.
TV-PG
7:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2120
Working out mishaps and Easter egg calamities
TV-G
8:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2121
In the background and what's behind the big blue blob
TV-G
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Work Related
Arthur accepts a job at Carrie's company; Doug and Deacon compete for a place in their company's calendar of hunks.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Twisted Sitters
Doug and Carrie are caught in embarrassing circumstances while looking after Deacon and Kelly's children.
TV-14
10:00 am
Movie
Duplex
In terms of living the American Dream, Alex and Nancy have it pretty good. They are a young, vibrant couple in New York City with bright futures ahead of them. But one thing is missing: a home of their own. When they find one, it comes with one feature they didn't expect--an upstairs tenant, Mrs. Connelly, who lives in a rent-controlled apartment, and who isn't quite as easy-going or frail as Alex and Nancy originally anticipated. As their blissful life begins to seriously fray around the edges, their dream home rapidly turns into a nightmare and they decide that they must get Mrs. Connelly out of their lives.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It's an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men's sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship's helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport's governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy's) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Massapequa, The
Phoebe brings her annoyingly upbeat boyfriend (Alec Baldwin) to the 35th anniversary of Monica and Ross' parents (Christina Pickles, Elliott Gould), who urge Ross and pregnant Rachel to pretend to be married.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Interview, The
When Soap Opera Digest requests an interview, Joey enlists his friends to make sure he does not say anything that could cost him his role.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's (Marlo Thomas) offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cooking Class, The
A food critic blasts Monica's cooking in a newspaper review; a cute saleswoman (Rena Sofer) riles Rachel when she flirts with Ross; Phoebe coaches Chandler for a job interview.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Mozart
As an example for Ally, Ray takes piano lessons from Marie.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Anniversary
Ray blames himself for his parents' long, miserable marriage.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Working Late Again
Debra gets Ray to set up a home office so he can spend more time with the family.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Children's Book, The
Debra and Ray's children's book collaboration turns competitive.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off on the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying, "I love you."
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
11:00 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
This One's for Me
When Jules finds a bag of unusual items Grayson's been hiding, she goes on a mission to learn his secret. Andy talks Travis into using a baby gift for himself and Ellie can't stand that Laurie is treating Baby Bobby like and accessory.
TV-PG
11:30 pm
King of the Nerds
Murder at Nerdvana?!
In the darkest episode yet in the storied history of Nerdvana, Pom Pom Kitty is Scooby Doo'd and it is up to the intrepid Nerds to solve what monster is behind her disappearance! A master strategist struggles with loyalty, and two of the brainiest bash Zombie brains to survive another night. When the teams are disbanded, they must sally forth into the darkness ahead alone.
TV-14
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Un-Alful Entry
Al becomes a local hero when he stands up to a burglar.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Movie Show
Kelly gets an unpleasant surprise when the family takes her to a movie on her birthday.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
'Til Death Do Us Part
When Peg complains about Al's lovemaking to the girls at the beauty parlor, he becomes the laughingstock of the town.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, March 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Tis Time to Smell the Roses
Peg spends all of Al's early retirement money and forces him to go back to work.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
When Al's Dodge is stolen, he learns it is only worth $100, and he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things missing from his trunk.
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Better Camera
Doug surprises Carrie with a new camera for Christmas.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Wedding Presence
Doug and Carrie try to come up with an excuse not to attend a wedding.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Is Late, The
Overdue Rachel tries everything to rush the delivery of her baby.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1), The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 2), The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One Proposes, The
Joey finds himself engaged to Rachel soon after she delivers her baby girl, while Phoebe assumes Ross is the one who proposed.
TV-PG
10:00 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
10:15 am
Movie
Not Another Teen Movie
What a year at John Hughes High! The Wasp football team goes all the way -- into the cellar, that is, when quarterback Jake Wyler makes an errant pass and Reggie Ray racks up his umpteenth concussion. Things perk up at a dazzling year-end prom when conjoined twins Kara and Sally Fratelli are crowned prom queens. Other highlights from this year include a nasty toilet explosion that drops in the middle of Mr. Keller's English class, Jake fails to seduce Janey with a human whipped cream sundae and Janey is apprehended by police after Jake's moving serenade of Aerosmith's "Janey's Got a Gun". Many new faces deck the halls this year, including Sadie, a 90 year-old undercover reporter and foreign exchange student Areola, who becomes the object of lust for all American nerds. Malik continues to be the "token black guy," Catherine is still in love with her brother, Bruce still thinks he's Asian, and Ox is still a virgin...
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Saving Silverman
The comedic misadventures of buddies J.D. and Wayne, who begin to suspect that their best friend, Darren Silverman, is going to allow himself to be badgered into marrying Judith, a woman he doesn't love. They decide to reunite him with his long lost love from their school days -- even if they have to kidnap Judith to do it.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie
Road Trip
Cheating is when you're in a committed relationship and have sex with another person....It's not cheating if you live in different area codes, if you are too wasted to remember it, or if you are with two people at the same time because they cancel each other out. But it is definitely cheating if you videotape it and someone accidentally mails the tape to your girlfriend. This is what happens to Josh, who must now drag two college buddies, and one not-so-eager-kid who happens to own the car, on a raucous 1800-mile road trip from Ithaca, New York to Austin, Texas to save his lifelong romance.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family's political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam's reelection.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie Encore (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family's political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam's reelection.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Not Another Teen Movie
What a year at John Hughes High! The Wasp football team goes all the way -- into the cellar, that is, when quarterback Jake Wyler makes an errant pass and Reggie Ray racks up his umpteenth concussion. Things perk up at a dazzling year-end prom when conjoined twins Kara and Sally Fratelli are crowned prom queens. Other highlights from this year include a nasty toilet explosion that drops in the middle of Mr. Keller's English class, Jake fails to seduce Janey with a human whipped cream sundae and Janey is apprehended by police after Jake's moving serenade of Aerosmith's "Janey's Got a Gun". Many new faces deck the halls this year, including Sadie, a 90 year-old undercover reporter and foreign exchange student Areola, who becomes the object of lust for all American nerds. Malik continues to be the "token black guy," Catherine is still in love with her brother, Bruce still thinks he's Asian, and Ox is still a virgin...
TV-14
3:45 am
Movie
Road Trip
Cheating is when you're in a committed relationship and have sex with another person....It's not cheating if you live in different area codes, if you are too wasted to remember it, or if you are with two people at the same time because they cancel each other out. But it is definitely cheating if you videotape it and someone accidentally mails the tape to your girlfriend. This is what happens to Josh, who must now drag two college buddies, and one not-so-eager-kid who happens to own the car, on a raucous 1800-mile road trip from Ithaca, New York to Austin, Texas to save his lifelong romance.
TV-14
5:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
 

Monday, March 2

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Cats & Dogs
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
When Al's Dodge is stolen, he learns it is only worth $100, and he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things missing from his trunk.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Repercussions
When Jimmy, the Bundy's relative, learns that his new bride slept with someone the day of their wedding, his temper explodes and a guilty Bud runs for cover.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Proposition, The
Coco, a cosmetic millionairess and former girlfriend of Al's, makes a truly indecent proposal by offering Peggy $500,000 for one night of passion with Al.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket?, A
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Hood 'n the Boyz
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Proud to Be Your Bud?
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Limitless
Aspiring author Eddie Morra is suffering from chronic writer's block, but his life changes instantly when an old friend introduces him to NZT, a revolutionary new pharmaceutical that allows him to tap his full potential. With every synapse crackling, Eddie can recall everything he has ever read, seen or heard, learn any language in a day, comprehend complex equations and beguile anyone he meets-as long as he keeps taking the untested drug. Soon Eddie takes Wall Street by storm, parlaying a small stake into millions. His accomplishments catch the eye of mega-mogul Carl Van Loon, who invites him to help broker the largest merger in corporate history. But they also bring Eddie to the attention of people willing to do anything to get their hands on his stash of NZT. With his life in jeopardy and the drug's brutal side effects taking their toll, Eddie dodges mysterious stalkers, a vicious gangster and an intense police investigation as he attempts to hang on to his dwindling supply long enough to outwit his enemies.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brown Knight, The
Cleveland is mistakenly hailed as a hero after he ends up getting shot in an armed robbery; Rallo discovers what Roberta's "that time of the month" is all about.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
I Am the Walrus
Stan resorts to extreme and cruel measures to humiliate Steve and maintain his alpha-male status in the house, and Hayley and Jeff turn to Principal Lewis for marriage counseling.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
School Lies
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
License to Till
When Steve has trouble crossing over into the "cool kids" social circle, Klaus and Roger place their bets to see how quickly Roger can make him cool. Everything they try backfires until Steve becomes the in-crowds designated driver. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine take turns pranking each other.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Jenny Fromdabloc
After Snot professes his love for Hayley and gets shot down, Steve and Roger devise a plan to cheer him up. Roger dresses up as Steve's cousin from New Jersey, Jenny Fromdabloc, and Snot falls hard for her. Meanwhile, Stan wants to live like a gentleman of the 1960s, complete with dark suits and dry martinis.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chitty Chitty Death Bang
It's Stewie's first birthday, but Meg is at a party that is really a cult meeting.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Papa Pill
Doug learns that taking care of Arthur is not an easy task.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Paint Misbehavin'
The gang plays paintball to celebrate Deacon's birthday.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hi-Def Jam
Doug wants to watch the Super Bowl on a high-definition television.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Emma Cries, The
Joey seeks forgiveness from Ross, while Rachel tries to quell Emma's incessant crying.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Pediatrician, The
Emma's pediatrician drops her as a patient because of Rachel's constant calls.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sharks, The
Monica fears Chandler has a sexual fetish involving sharks.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner, The
Famished Phoebe waits for tardy friends to arrive at her birthday dinner.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Marine Biologist, The
George poses as a marine biologist; guest Carol Kane.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pie, The
A date's refusal to eat pie obsesses Jerry; a mannequin resembles Elaine; guest Lane Davies.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stand-In, The
Kramer is a stand-in on a soap opera; George wants to break up with a girlfriend.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Quagmire's Quagmire
Quagmire purchases a new laptop, which promptly gets infected by viruses from all of the dirty websites he visits. When he takes it in to be fixed, the technician, Sonja, is unfazed by his browser history and actually recommends alternate sites. Impressed, Quagmire asks her out on a date.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
In Harmony's Way
Peter and Quagmire both scream when a bee flies by and realize they harmonize well together. They start writing and singing songs in their spare time. Mort overhears them one day and is amazed by their talent. He offers to manage them since he used to have his own record label in the 70¿s.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Morning Mimosa
When Steve insults Francine, she refuses to cook for him and he becomes a successful internet chef, appearing on a popular morning show. Meanwhile, Stan thinks he can make people invisible by snapping his fingers. Steve becomes an internet sensation called the "Orphan Chef." His success lands him a spot on "Morning Mimosa," Francine's favorite morning show. Meanwhile, Stan is arrested for his insane behavior. Meanwhile, Stan thinks he can make people disappear by snapping his fingers and saying "Gone."
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
American Stepdad
Stan invites his mother (guest voice Swoosie Kurtz) to come live with the family after Stan's stepfather dies, and tensions rise when Roger is forced to share his attic with her. But Roger and Stan's mom quickly fall in love and get married, and Stan is forced to deal with Roger as his new stepdad. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends discover a mysterious plane crash while on a bike ride and come across a long-lost script of a "Fast and Furious" movie that they are determined to get made.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5697
Guests: Aziz Ansari, Cristela Alonzo.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Training Day
Michael trains his replacement (Will Ferrell), the staffers---except for an apathetic Dwight---scramble to impress the new manager.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5697
Guests: Aziz Ansari, Cristela Alonzo.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Fade on Me
Chick (guest star Ken Jenkins) comes to housesit while the gang goes on vacation. But when Jules discovers that her father hasn't been to the doctor in years, she insists on taking him. Laurie and Travis go on their first date as boyfriend and girlfriend. And Bobby is crushed to discover that Dog Travis is just using him for food.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Lakeview Terrace
Veteran Los Angeles cop Abel Turner guards his neighborhood with the same zeal he brings to his patrol route. The single father of a teenaged daughter and preteen son, Abel is one-man security force, ensuring that his strict standards of behavior are adhered to, even if it means ruffling a few feathers in the process. Chris and Lisa Mattson, a progressive and upwardly mobile couple, move in next door to Turner, who disapproves of their interracial marriage. Hoping to rid the neighborhood of anything or anyone he deems "undesirable," Turner launches an escalating series of pranks and insults against the Mattsons. Abel takes full advantage of his police connections to antagonize his new neighbors with impunity, hoping to get them to pick up and move out. When their air conditioning unit is sabotaged in the middle of a heat wave and their car tires are mysteriously slashed, the Mattsons begin to suspect Abel is behind their troubles. But without proof, they can only try to negotiate a truce--an offer Abel does not accept. Abel's anger flares when his use of inappropriate force on the job lands him on extended leave and he discovers his daughter has been spending time with Lisa. As Abel crosses the line from annoying neighbor to dangerous adversary, the couple tries to fight back, which only feeds Turner's fury. With the resentment between the neighbors building daily, it's only a matter of time before the situation escalates into a potentially deadly stand off.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2122
Third $100,000 show of season 21
TV-G
5:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Michael's Last Dundies
Michael charges his successor (Will Ferrell) with his very first assignment---to emcee the Dundies, the branches annual awards soiree. Meanwhile, Erin tries to come to terms with her ballooning dislike of her boyfriend, Gabe.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Goodbye, Michael Part 1
Part One. Michael gears up to bid adieu to each staffer during his very last day at the office. Meanwhile, Deangelo (Will Ferrell) and Andy frantically scurry to retain Michael's most important clients.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, March 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Cupcake
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Luck of the Bundys
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Banking on Marcy
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
No Chicken, No Check
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Take My Wife, Please
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Scared Single
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
NO MA'AM
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Phone Booth
A phone call can change your life, but for one man it can also end it. Set entirely within and around the confines of a New York City phone booth, thriller follows Stu Shepard, a low-rent media consultant who is trapped after being told by a caller - a serial killer with a sniper rifle - that he'll be shot dead if he hangs up. A sudden and shocking act of violence near the booth draws the attention of the police, who arrive backed with a small army of sharpshooters. They believe that Stu, not the unseen caller of whom they remain unaware, is the dangerous man with a gun. The senior officer on the scene, Captain Ramey, tries to talk Stu out of the booth. But unbeknownst to Ramey, his team, the media circus that has flocked to the site - and Stu's wife, Kelly, and his client /prospective girlfriend, Pamela - the caller has them all in his high-powered rifle sights. As afternoon turns into evening, Stu, the embodiment of an unethical, self-serving existence, must now undertake a sudden and unexpected moral evolution. He is emotionally stripped naked by the caller. Stu's lies, half-truths, and obfuscation no longer matter. Instead, he must dig deep into his soul, find his strength and attempt to outwit the caller, taking the game to an even more dangerous level.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Gone with the Wind
Cleveland's flatulence interrupts a karaoke contest at the Broken Stool, embarrassing Donna no end; Cleveland and Donna have bad news for Cleveland Jr.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Home Wrecker
Stan and Francine fight over how to redecorate the house. It goes so far that they split the house down the middle and try to live without each other.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Flirting With Disaster
Francine gets a job at Stan's office, which cramps Stan's style and his ability to flirt with co-workers. When Francine retaliates with a little flirting of her own, war breaks out at work.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Gorillas in the Mist
Stan spends some quality father-son time with Steve at the local zoo, but things go wrong when Steve slips into a gorilla exhibit. Meanwhile, Roger bets Hayley that he can become a great Country singer and sets out to write the most heartbreaking song of all time.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Hot Water
Stan battles an evil hot tub bent on killing his family.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Mind Over Murder
Peter is under house arrest after punching a pregnant woman he thought was a man.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Deacon Blues
Doug is surprised to find his married friend Deacon out with another woman.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Horizontal Hold
Carrie begins to question her relationship with Doug.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Package Deal
Doug quits his job to work for a competitor; Carrie acquires a self-tanning cream addiction.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Male Nanny, The
Ross ridicules Rachel's choice of a male nanny (Freddie Prinze Jr.).
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Inappropriate Song, The
Chandler and Joey find a videotape while checking out Richard's apartment; Ross sings Emma an off-color lullaby.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Phone Number, The
Rachel impulsively gives her telephone number to a handsome guy but worries he will call when Ross is there.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work, The
Rachel crosses swords with her temporary replacement (Dermot Mulroney) at the shop; Phoebe wreaks havoc on the set of Joey's soap opera.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wife, The
A girlfriend (Courteney Cox) poses as Jerry's wife so he can get a dry-cleaning discount.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fire, The
A kitchen fire makes George confront his cowardliness; guests Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats, The (Part 1)
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats, The (Part 2 )
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Men Talking
Fearing that her dad, Chick, is lonely, Jules tries to set him up with Grayson as a best friend. Laurie helps Andy fit in with a cool mom group and Travis and Ellie open up to each other in the Winebulance.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5698
Guests: Norman Reedus, Brandi Carlile.
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Men Talking
Fearing that her dad, Chick, is lonely, Jules tries to set him up with Grayson as a best friend. Laurie helps Andy fit in with a cool mom group and Travis and Ellie open up to each other in the Winebulance.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5698
Guests: Norman Reedus, Brandi Carlile.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Have Love Will Travel
After discovering that Chick (guest star Ken Jenkins) has health issues, the gang decides to take him to Hollywood. Once there, they'll stop at nothing to arrange for him to spend an evening with one his favorite stars, Tippi Hedren. Meanwhile, Laurie and Travis try carefully to set up the perfect first kiss. And Andy is upset to discover that no one recognizes him as Latino.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Phone Booth
A phone call can change your life, but for one man it can also end it. Set entirely within and around the confines of a New York City phone booth, thriller follows Stu Shepard, a low-rent media consultant who is trapped after being told by a caller - a serial killer with a sniper rifle - that he'll be shot dead if he hangs up. A sudden and shocking act of violence near the booth draws the attention of the police, who arrive backed with a small army of sharpshooters. They believe that Stu, not the unseen caller of whom they remain unaware, is the dangerous man with a gun. The senior officer on the scene, Captain Ramey, tries to talk Stu out of the booth. But unbeknownst to Ramey, his team, the media circus that has flocked to the site - and Stu's wife, Kelly, and his client /prospective girlfriend, Pamela - the caller has them all in his high-powered rifle sights. As afternoon turns into evening, Stu, the embodiment of an unethical, self-serving existence, must now undertake a sudden and unexpected moral evolution. He is emotionally stripped naked by the caller. Stu's lies, half-truths, and obfuscation no longer matter. Instead, he must dig deep into his soul, find his strength and attempt to outwit the caller, taking the game to an even more dangerous level.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2123
Season 21 grand prize spectacular part 1
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dances with Weezy
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Change for a Buck
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, March 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Fountain of Youth
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Little off the Top, A
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Worst Noel, The
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Italian Job, The
The plan was flawless. The job was executed perfectly. The escape was clean. The only threat mastermind thief Charlie Croker never saw coming was from a member of his own crew. After pulling off an amazing gold bullion heist from a heavily guarded palazzo in Venice, Italy, Charlie and his gang--inside man Steve, computer genius Lyle, wheelman Handsome Rob, explosives expert Left-Ear and veteran safecraker John Bridger--can't believe it when one of them turns out to be a double crosser. Now the job isn't about the payoff, it's about payback! Enter Stella, a beautiful nerves of steel safecracker, who joins Charlie and his former gang when they follow the backstabber to California, where they plan to re-steal the gold by tapping into Los Angeles' traffic control system, manipulating signals and creating one of the biggest traffic jams in L.A. history!
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brotherly Love
Rallo helps Junior as he tries to win the heart of Chanel, a girl he's infatuated with; Cleveland becomes Terry's pimp.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Hurricane
Stan attempts to save his family after a hurricane floods Lower Langley--despite Fran's warnings that Stan is a bad decision-maker during a crisis.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Ward Show, A
After he's appointed Steve's legal guardian, Roger has Principal Lewis fired for letting Steve break the school's rules; Stan and Fran vacation at a waterpark.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Worst Stan, The
Stan arranges for Principal Lewis to marry Superintendent Riggs so he can finally be a best man at a wedding; Roger's new shorts attract the interest of Ricky Martin.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
E Peterbus Unum
Peter declares his land a country and makes himself president.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Separation Anxiety
Doug and Carrie have different opinions about Deacon and Kelly's separation and share them with each other.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Inner Tube
After lying to Carrie, Doug dreams he appears on a variety of television shows.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Departure Time
Doug's parents ask him to sign their living will.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Rats, The
Monica invites Rachel's workplace rival (Dermot Mulroney) to her birthday party; Joey flirts with Emma's new nanny (Melissa George); Phoebe and Mike (Paul Rudd) take care of a litter of rats.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Monica Sings, The
Monica exults in the applause she receives on karaoke night, unaware that the cheering audience can see through her blouse.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blind Dates, The
Joey and Phoebe conspire to send Rachel and Ross on disastrous blind dates.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Mugging, The
Joey stumbles upon a way to impress a famous actor (Jeff Goldblum) during an audition; Ross learns the identity of a long-ago mugger; Chandler accepts an internship at a shoe company.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
English Patient, The
Jerry lifts weights with his parents' Florida neighbor (Lloyd Bridges).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cheever Letters, The
Jerry and George work on their pilot script.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Big Salad, The
Kramer helps an athlete wanted for a brutal crime flee police; guest Michelle Forbes.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5699
Conan O'Brien becomes the first American late-night host to do a show in Cuba in more than 50 years.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Goodbye, Michael Part 2
Conclusion. Michael says his final good-bye to each staffer during his very last day at the office. Meanwhile, Deangelo (Will Ferrell) and Andy frantically scurry to retain Michael's most important clients. (Steve Carell's final episode)
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5699
Conan O'Brien becomes the first American late-night host to do a show in Cuba in more than 50 years.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
All or Nothing
The Cul de Sac Crew feels weird about Laurie and Travis dating, but Jules is determined to play it cool. Bobby and Andy make it big when Penny Can goes global. But when Bobby starts throwing around money, Grayson confronts him about years of unpaid bar tabs. Meanwhile, Andy struggles to get Stan to sleep after a slasher movie.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Italian Job, The
The plan was flawless. The job was executed perfectly. The escape was clean. The only threat mastermind thief Charlie Croker never saw coming was from a member of his own crew. After pulling off an amazing gold bullion heist from a heavily guarded palazzo in Venice, Italy, Charlie and his gang--inside man Steve, computer genius Lyle, wheelman Handsome Rob, explosives expert Left-Ear and veteran safecraker John Bridger--can't believe it when one of them turns out to be a double crosser. Now the job isn't about the payoff, it's about payback! Enter Stella, a beautiful nerves of steel safecracker, who joins Charlie and his former gang when they follow the backstabber to California, where they plan to re-steal the gold by tapping into Los Angeles' traffic control system, manipulating signals and creating one of the biggest traffic jams in L.A. history!
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2124
Season 21 grand prize spectacular part 2
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
TV-PG
 

Thursday, March 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Baby Talk
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
From Paris with Love
A personal aide to the U.S. Ambassador in France, James Reese has an enviable life in Paris and a beautiful French girlfriend, but his real passion is his side job as a low-level operative for the CIA. All James wants is to become a bona fide agent and see some real action. So when he's offered his first senior-level assignment, he can't believe his good luck - until he meets his new partner, special agent Charlie Wax. A trigger-happy, wisecracking, loose cannon who's been sent to Paris to stop a terrorist attack, Wax leads James on a white-knuckle shooting spree through the Parisian underworld that has James praying for his desk job. But when James discovers he's a target of the same crime ring they're trying to bust, he realizes there's no turning back--and that Wax himself might be his only hope for making it through the next forty-eight hours alive.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brown History Month
After Cleveland and Lester get into a fight during Black History month, a judge orders them to work together on a float for a unity parade; Rallo tries to steal Lester's confederate flag, only to become trapped under Kendra's body.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Scarlett Getter, The
Francine is disgusted when Stan reestablishes contact with a crush from CIA boot camp; Bullock hires a bounty hunter to capture Roger; Steve wears Hayley's panties after concluding they bring him luck.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Season's Beatings
When a play about the life of Jesus Christ turns into a brutal battle between Stan and Roger, Stan is excommunicated from the Christian church; Hayley and Jeff adopt an infant son whom Stan believes is the Antichrist.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Unbrave One, The
With Roger's help, Steve dresses up as a superhero to prove his bravery to his father; when Stan discovers that Fran may be pregnant, he hopes the infant will turn out to be the brave child he never had.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stanny Tendergrass
Hoping to show Steve the value of hard work, Stan gets Steve a job at a country club; Francine struggles to come up with her own catchphrase.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
Son Also Draws, The
Lois loses $20,000 gambling at the Indian casino.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Sno Job
Doug helps his cousin get a job; Arthur joins a film focus-group.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Pregnant Pause (1)
Carrie learns that she is pregnant.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Pregnant Pause (2)
Carrie learns that she is pregnant.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lottery, The
The gang buys scads of lottery tickets for the multimillion-dollar jackpot.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pledge Drive, The
Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chinese Woman, The
George's crossed phone lines acquaint the gang with a woman who isn't what she seems.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Couch, The
Elaine dates the guy who delivered Jerry's new couch.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian: Portrait of a Dog
Brian decides to stand up for his rights when Peter enters him in a dog show.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Peter Caviar Eater
Lois' aunt dies and leaves her mansion to the Griffins.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Holy Crap
Peter invites his religious father to live with the family.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Da Boom
Paranoid about Y2K, Peter herds the family into the basement for protection.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5700
Guests: Adam Sandler, Jonathan Banks, Broods.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Inner Circle, The
Deangelo (Will Ferrell) slowly but surely begins to display his true managerial manner when he plays favorites to create an inner circle.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5700
Guests: Adam Sandler, Jonathan Banks, Broods.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Like a Diamond
After letting her car insurance lapse, Jules winds up in a car accident with an attractive man named Sam (guest star Matthew Perry). When Jules notices that her wedding ring has fallen off during the fender bender she cannot resist accepting Sam's offer to take her on a date. Meanwhile, Bobby takes steps to prepare for a major snowstorm. But with only a 10% chance of snow, the weather has Travis concerned that his dad will be disappointed.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Battle: Los Angeles
For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world - Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces. As people everywhere watch the world's great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. It's up to a Marine staff sergeant and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any they've ever encountered before.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2201
A man teases an alligator; homemade rocket disasters
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
TV-PG
 

Friday, March 6

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Role Play
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Battle: Los Angeles
For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world - Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces. As people everywhere watch the world's great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. It's up to a Marine staff sergeant and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any they've ever encountered before.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Cleveland's Angels
After Cleveland gambles away money meant for Roberta's college fund, Kendra, Donna and Arianna embark on a mission to retrieve the money from a crooked riverboat casino.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key
Stan joins Wheels and the Legman as they attempt to solve a mystery involving a key; Klaus has his photo taken for a pet website.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Old Stan in the Mountain
An old man places a hex on Stan, making him age at an alarming rate; Roger and Francine rehearse for a dance competition...but Roger has something up his sleeve.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Wrestler, The
Stan panics when Barry comes close to toppling his longstanding wrestling record at Steve's school.and ends up teaching Roger how to wrestle so he can defeat Barry.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dr. Klaustus
After tricking Roger into going to Iraq, Klaus assumes the role of the Smiths' psychologist, but his emphasis on emotional honesty backfires.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian In Love
A therapist tells Brian his carpet-wetting is the result of his repressed feelings for Lois.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Swim Neighbors
Doug and Carrie's neighbor (Bryan Cranston) builds an above-ground pool that looks directly into their property.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Window Pain
Carrie becomes obsessed with trying to impress the neighbors.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Arthur, Spooner
Team leader Carrie grows frustrated with her drab work group; Doug begins relying on Arthur's company in order to fall asleep.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 1), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 2), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Secretary, The
A new secretary's efficiency arouses George; Jerry spots a dry cleaner wearing his clothes.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
9:00 pm
King of the Nerds
Invasion of the Nerd Snatchers
With $100,000 looming and the title of King of the Nerds drawing nigh, the remaining Nerds find themselves thwarted by an Alien Queen with one observant Nerd finding a key stratagem in Nerdvana. Acid melts the face of a Nerd while another must play games Capital G to win in this double elimination episode!
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he's quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
12:00 am
King of the Nerds
Invasion of the Nerd Snatchers
With $100,000 looming and the title of King of the Nerds drawing nigh, the remaining Nerds find themselves thwarted by an Alien Queen with one observant Nerd finding a key stratagem in Nerdvana. Acid melts the face of a Nerd while another must play games Capital G to win in this double elimination episode!
TV-14
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Depending on You
Jules and Grayson receive a wedding invitation from a couple they barely know and on a date that conflicts with Grayson's roller-hockey finals. Despite Grayson's important plans, Jules simply cannot say no. Meanwhile, Bobby finds out that Dog Travis has puppies, and the crew discovers that Tom (recurring guest star Robert Clendenin) has created a model of the neighborhood with eerily lifelike dolls of everyone.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Trip to Pirate's Cove, The
The town of Gulf Haven is transformed into a pirate's cove for Buccaneer Week. Determined to step up his mayoral duties, Andy pleads with Ellie to appeal to tourists by bringing out her alter ego, Charming Ellie. Enamored by this new, lovable version of her best friend, Jules cannot get enough of "Chellie." Meanwhile, Laurie starts baking "naughty cakes" to increase sales.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he's quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson's life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it's the kids' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, March 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks (1)
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Kirbed Enthusiasm
Doug agrees to try out for a semiprofessional football league if Kirby will stay with peewee football.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Holy Mackerel
When Carrie prays for a raise and actually gets one, she and Doug start praying for more things.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson's life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it's the kids' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek
Once upon a time, in a far away swamp, there lived an ornery ogre named Shrek whose precious solitude is suddenly shattered by an invasion of annoying fairy tale characters. There are blind mice in his food, a big, bad wolf in his bed, three little homeless pigs and more, all banished from their kingdom by the evil Lord Farquaad. Determined to save their home--not to mention his own--Shrek cuts a deal with Farquaad and sets out to rescue the beautiful Princess Fiona to be Farquaad's bride. Accompanying him on his mission is wisecracking Donkey, who will do anything for Shrek... except shut up. Rescuing the Princess from a fire-breathing dragon may prove the least of their problems when the deep, dark secret she has been keeping is revealed.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona's parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father's plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer 'Puss In Boots' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Shrek the Third
Being king isn't for everyone--especially if you're a prickly ogre who smells like the shallow end of a swamp. When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown. Now, unless the reluctant would-be king can find a suitable replacement, he'll be royally screwed for the rest of his days. As if Shrek didn't have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona has another little surprise on the way. With his head spinning and his belly in knots, Shrek sets off on a quest to find the only other possible heir to the throne, Fiona's long-lost cousin Artie, an underachieving medieval high schooler. While the ogre is away, his old nemesis Prince Charming rears his handsome head and returns to the kingdom of Far Far Away with redemption on his shallow little mind. Even with Donkey and the ever-so-suave Puss-in-Boots by their side, it's going to take an ogre-sized effort--and a whole lot of help from Fiona and her band of princesses--for Shrek and Artie to save the day and find their own "Happily Ever After."
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Gift, The
Frank seems depressed by the aquarium Ray bought him.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
High School
At his high-school reunion, Ray discovers Debra is cool and he is not.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Letter, The
Debra lays it on the line in a letter to Marie.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Civil War
Ray and Frank enlist for a Civil War re-enactment.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Men Talking
Fearing that her dad, Chick, is lonely, Jules tries to set him up with Grayson as a best friend. Laurie helps Andy fit in with a cool mom group and Travis and Ellie open up to each other in the Winebulance.
TV-14
11:30 pm
King of the Nerds
Invasion of the Nerd Snatchers
With $100,000 looming and the title of King of the Nerds drawing nigh, the remaining Nerds find themselves thwarted by an Alien Queen with one observant Nerd finding a key stratagem in Nerdvana. Acid melts the face of a Nerd while another must play games Capital G to win in this double elimination episode!
TV-14
12:30 am
Movie
Replacements, The
Shane "Footsteps" Falco is a disillusioned football player who believes his dreams have all but dissipated. Once a red-hot All American prospect, Shane now regrets ever believing that the NFL would draft him. However, fate takes a strange twist for Shane when during the 1997 NFL season, a player's strike leaves the fields (and stadiums) empty, leaving team owners scrambling to fill uniforms as fast as possible. When the Washington Sentinels bring back the contentious and self-retired head coach Jimmy McGinty to seek out players who will play with their hearts rather than their wallets, he picks Shane to lead his mismatched crew of outsiders through the strike. To everyone's surprise, the ragtag team goes on an unprecedented winning streak as they discover in themselves the ability to hope for more than they ever thought possible...maybe even the playoffs, which has been denied to the Sentinels for seven years.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona's parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father's plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer 'Puss In Boots' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
 

Sunday, March 8

6:00 am
King of Queens, The
Jung Frankenstein
Carrie tries to coax Doug's therapist (Dave Foley) into targeting his bad habits.
TV-PG
6:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mammary Lane
Carrie baby-sits for the boss' son; Doug tries to make friends with the new shoe girl (Rachel Dratch) at the bowling alley.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits, The
Rachel convinces her sister (Christina Applegate) to baby-sit over Ross' protests; Joey writes a letter to an adoption agency on Monica and Chandler's behalf.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Cop Out
Two longtime NYPD partners on the trail of a stolen, rare, mint-condition baseball card find themselves up against a merciless, memorabilia-obsessed gangster. But before they can recover the prized `52 Pafko, they must first rescue a Mexican beauty who holds the key to millions of dollars in off-shore bank accounts-and who has already witnessed one high-profile murder because of them. Veteran detective Jimmy Monr needs to cash in on his perfect Pafko in order to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, but in the tradition of everything that can go wrong--it's pilfered before he has a chance to collect. Paul Hodges is Jimmy's partner-against-crime, whose preoccupation with his wife's alleged infidelity makes it hard for him to keep his eye on the ball, or his mind on the crime. Already in trouble and with nothing left to lose, Jimmy and Paul will have to break all the rules-including enlisting the aid of stoner thief Dave, who's working Paul's last nerve as Paul and Jimmy try to work the case.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A single, suburban dad tries to make ends meet as a security officer at a New Jersey mall. It's a job he takes very seriously, though no one else does. When Santa's helpers at the mall stage a coup, shutting down the megaplex and taking hostages (Paul's daughter and sweetheart among them), Jersey's most formidable mall cop will have to become a real cop to save the day.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Movie
Observe and Report
At the Forest Ridge Mall, head of security Ronnie Barnhardt patrols his jurisdiction with an iron fist, combating skateboarders, shoplifters and the occasional unruly customer while dreaming of the day when he can swap his flashlight for a badge and a gun. His delusions of grandeur are put to the test when the mall is struck by a flasher. Driven to protect and serve the mall and its patrons, Ronnie seizes the opportunity to showcase his underappreciated law enforcement talents on a grand scale, hoping his solution of this crime will earn a coveted spot at the police academy and the heart of his elusive dream girl Brandi, the hot make-up counter clerk who won't give him the time of day. But his single-minded pursuit of glory launches a turf war with the equally competitive Detective Harrison of the Conway Police, and Ronnie is confronted with the challenge of not only catching the flasher, but getting him before the real cops do.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Movie
Replacements, The
Shane "Footsteps" Falco is a disillusioned football player who believes his dreams have all but dissipated. Once a red-hot All American prospect, Shane now regrets ever believing that the NFL would draft him. However, fate takes a strange twist for Shane when during the 1997 NFL season, a player's strike leaves the fields (and stadiums) empty, leaving team owners scrambling to fill uniforms as fast as possible. When the Washington Sentinels bring back the contentious and self-retired head coach Jimmy McGinty to seek out players who will play with their hearts rather than their wallets, he picks Shane to lead his mismatched crew of outsiders through the strike. To everyone's surprise, the ragtag team goes on an unprecedented winning streak as they discover in themselves the ability to hope for more than they ever thought possible...maybe even the playoffs, which has been denied to the Sentinels for seven years.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Rush Hour 3
In the heart of Paris lies a deadly secret. Half a world away in Los Angeles, Ambassador Han is about to disclose it. In his possession is explosive new evidence about the inner workings of the Triads--the most powerful and notorious crime syndicate in the world. The Ambassador has discovered the identity of Shy Shen, the very crux of the wide-ranging crime ring, and he's about to reveal it to the World Criminal Court--until he is silenced by an assassin's bullet. The Triads will go to any lengths to make sure their secrets stay buried, and there's only one hope for stopping them. LAPD Detective Carter and Chinese Inspector Lee are back--back where they don't belong. The unlikely duo is headed to the City of Lights to stop a global criminal conspiracy and save the life of an old friend, Ambassador Han's now-grown daughter, Soo Yung. They don't know the city, the language or even exactly what they're looking for, but their race will take them across the city, from the depths of the Paris underground to the breathtaking heights of the Eiffel Tower, as they fight to outrun the world's most deadly criminals and save the day.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Rush Hour 3
In the heart of Paris lies a deadly secret. Half a world away in Los Angeles, Ambassador Han is about to disclose it. In his possession is explosive new evidence about the inner workings of the Triads--the most powerful and notorious crime syndicate in the world. The Ambassador has discovered the identity of Shy Shen, the very crux of the wide-ranging crime ring, and he's about to reveal it to the World Criminal Court--until he is silenced by an assassin's bullet. The Triads will go to any lengths to make sure their secrets stay buried, and there's only one hope for stopping them. LAPD Detective Carter and Chinese Inspector Lee are back--back where they don't belong. The unlikely duo is headed to the City of Lights to stop a global criminal conspiracy and save the life of an old friend, Ambassador Han's now-grown daughter, Soo Yung. They don't know the city, the language or even exactly what they're looking for, but their race will take them across the city, from the depths of the Paris underground to the breathtaking heights of the Eiffel Tower, as they fight to outrun the world's most deadly criminals and save the day.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Cop Out
Two longtime NYPD partners on the trail of a stolen, rare, mint-condition baseball card find themselves up against a merciless, memorabilia-obsessed gangster. But before they can recover the prized `52 Pafko, they must first rescue a Mexican beauty who holds the key to millions of dollars in off-shore bank accounts-and who has already witnessed one high-profile murder because of them. Veteran detective Jimmy Monr needs to cash in on his perfect Pafko in order to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, but in the tradition of everything that can go wrong--it's pilfered before he has a chance to collect. Paul Hodges is Jimmy's partner-against-crime, whose preoccupation with his wife's alleged infidelity makes it hard for him to keep his eye on the ball, or his mind on the crime. Already in trouble and with nothing left to lose, Jimmy and Paul will have to break all the rules-including enlisting the aid of stoner thief Dave, who's working Paul's last nerve as Paul and Jimmy try to work the case.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A single, suburban dad tries to make ends meet as a security officer at a New Jersey mall. It's a job he takes very seriously, though no one else does. When Santa's helpers at the mall stage a coup, shutting down the megaplex and taking hostages (Paul's daughter and sweetheart among them), Jersey's most formidable mall cop will have to become a real cop to save the day.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
TV-PG
 

Monday, March 9

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Catering
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (2)
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown!
Freight Train and Cookie announce their plans to re-marry; Cleveland is chosen to be best man...until he's replaced by Donna's ex-husband; Cleveland Jr. offers to pay for the wedding ceremony after he inherits money from his mother.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Stan's Best Friend
When Steve's new puppy is gravely injured, Stan attempts to save the dog using a doctor who specializes in alternative medicine.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Less Money, Mo' Problems
Stan bets Jeff and Hayley that he and Fran can live on minimum wage for one month; Roger and Steve test-drive a Ferrari after Klaus brags about having driven one.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Kidney Stays in the Picture, The
When Hayley experiences kidney failure, Stan and Fran travel into the past to find the man who may be Hayley's real father.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Ricky Spanish
Roger makes amends for the trouble he caused after he adopted a sociopathic persona; Stan and Fran get an unexpected visit from a Nigerian man whom they aided through a relief organization.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Love Thy Trophy
The Griffins and their neighbors build a festival float; waitress Meg schemes to get bigger tips.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Business Affairs
Doug gets jealous of Carrie's gay co-worker and worries about the strength of their marriage.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Flash Photography
While at a wedding, Doug plays a lewd joke with a disposable camera.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Flame Resistant
Carrie finds out Doug's high-school sweetheart (Lola Glaudini) still keeps in touch with his mother.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Christmas Guy
The Griffins visit the Quahog Mall for the Christmas Carnival only to find that it has been canceled. Upset, Stewie begins to act out.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Grimm Job
Stewie is having trouble falling asleep, so Peter decides to read him three fairytales from the Brothers Grimm. As he reads, familiar Quahogians become characters in the stories.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
My Affair Lady
Hayley gets a job and starts to fall for a co-worker. Meanwhile, Stan chauffers Steve and Francine to a Mother-Son dance. Hayley is broke and gets an office job where she meets a cute co-worker named Ax. Klaus and Roger encourage her to have sex with Ax on an office retreat. Hayley is all for it until she finds out Ax is a married man. Hayley backs out when she sees he has a tattoo of Roger. Back at home, Stan steals Francine from Steve at the school dance and tries to make it up to him by letting them dance at home.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Why Can't We Be Friends
After concluding that Snot isn't cool enough to hang out with Steve, Stan concocts a scheme to separate the pair by sticking Snot in the Witness Protection Program; Roger gives Steve money to clean out his attic.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5658
Guests: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bill Eichner, The Decemberists
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager
Dwight becomes acting manager and promptly implements overly harsh methods. Elsewhere, Gabe tries to win back Erin's heart. Kathy Bates guest stars.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5658
Guests: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bill Eichner, The Decemberists
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Hard on Me
Andy organizes a Gulf Haven 5k in an effort to save his reputation as Mayor after an embarrassing article comes out in the local paper. Jules uses the race to help her dad, Chick (guest star Ken Jenkins), get out of the house and relive his coaching days.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2203
A mother accidentally cheers for the wrong girl at a swim meet
TV-G
5:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Search Committee Part 1
The Scranton branch puts together a search committee to find the next boss, but the pool of interviewees proves to be less than impressive, and Dwight demands an interview in spite of his gun accident.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Search Committee Part 2
The Scranton branch puts together a search committee to find the next boss, but the pool of interviewees proves to be less than impressive.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, March 10

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Cooking Class
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (1)
The Bundys and D'Arcys go on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (2)
The Bundys' and D'Arcy's Caribbean cruise is ruined when the ship sinks.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
And Bingo was Her Game-O
Peggy wins $10,000 playing Bingo. Meanwhile, NO MA'AM chooses their official beer.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Undergraduate, The
A twelve year old boy with a crush on Kelly gets her to go to his junior prom with him.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
User Friendly
While Al and his friends tries to find out what a light switch in the Bundy house do, Bud experiences cyber sex... with Amber.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Law Abiding Citizen
Clyde Shelton is an upstanding family man whose wife and daughter are brutally murdered during a home invasion. When the killers are caught, Nick Rice, a hotshot young Philadelphia prosecutor, is assigned to the case. Over his objections, Nick is forced by his boss to offer one of the suspects a light sentence in exchange for testifying against his accomplice. Fast forward ten years. The man who got away with murder is found dead and Clyde Shelton coolly admits his guilt. Then he issues a warning to Nick: Either fix the flawed justice system that failed his family, or key players in the trial will die. Soon Shelton follows through on his threats, orchestrating from his jail cell a string of spectacularly diabolical assassinations that can be neither predicted nor prevented. Philadelphia is gripped with fear as Shelton's high-profile targets are slain one after another and the authorities are powerless to halt his reign of terror. Only Nick can stop the killing, and to do so he must outwit this brilliant sociopath in a harrowing contest of wills in which even the smallest misstep means death. With his own family now in Shelton's crosshairs, Nick finds himself in a desperate race against time facing a deadly adversary who seems always to be one step ahead.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Harder, Better, Faster, Browner
Cleveland helps ignite the career of a struggling rapper after the pair produce a new hit single.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Toy Whorey
Stan wants Steve to stop playing with toys and be a man, so he brings Steve to Mexico to make love to a prostitute; Roger attempts to retrieve a bottle of wine from Terry and Greg.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Love, American Dad Style
Roger opens a crooner's bar in the Smith family's attic and recruits Hayley as his main entertainer. Soon all of Langley Falls becomes enthralled by her singing voice - including Roger, who takes his crush on Hayley a bit too far. Meanwhile, Stan tries to prove his manhood by negotiating a good deal on a new car.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Killer Vacation
The Smith family's tropical vacation turns out to be anything but relaxing when Stan is assigned a mission to kill the activities director at their resort, whom his boss at the CIA insists is an ex-war criminal. Meanwhile, Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) and Jeff (Jeff Fischer) try to rekindle their fading romance, while Roger, as his latest persona, Abigail Lemonparty, falls for an older gentleman.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Can I Be Frank (With You)
Francine dresses up in a man suit so she can spend more time with Stan; Steve forms a boy band with his friends.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death is a Bitch
Death pays Peter a visit when he claims "deceased" on insurance forms.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Connect Four
Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to join them at a Knicks game.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Mentalo Case
Doug recalls his childhood toy Mentalo; Arthur sends Holly to find the perfect gift for his daughter.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Loaner Car
Doug persuades Carrie to help Deacon prepare Thanksgiving Day dinner.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 2), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Beard, The
Elaine tries to change a gay man; George and his date have similar problems.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doorman, The
A doorman (Larry Miller) tries to cause trouble for Jerry; Kramer develops a male undergarment.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Jimmy, The
Jerry suspects his dentist and hygienist are living out their fantasies at his expense.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doodle, The
Fleas force Jerry and his parents out of his apartment; guest Christa Miller.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Speckerman Recurrance, The
Leonard comes face-to-face with his high school bully.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Shiny Trinket Maneuver, The
Sheldon gets in trouble with Amy, and it's up to Penny to teach him how to be a better boyfriend. Howard, meanwhile, must come to grips with Bernadette's dislike of children.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Yer So Bad
Jules invites Chick and his new girlfriend to a dinner party, but her guests aren't exactly who she expected. Travis and Laurie stake out a cupcake thief, and Andy and Ellie try to figure out who Tom's celebrity patient is.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5659
Guests: Jennifer Aniston, Bill Burr
TV-14
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Yer So Bad
Jules invites Chick and his new girlfriend to a dinner party, but her guests aren't exactly who she expected. Travis and Laurie stake out a cupcake thief, and Andy and Ellie try to figure out who Tom's celebrity patient is.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5659
Guests: Jennifer Aniston, Bill Burr
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Learning to Fly
Laurie teaches Jules the rules of karma after Jules lies to customers at the annual cul-de-sac yard sale. Andy uses some of his new yard sale purchases to test Ellie after they make a bet that she can't refrain from being snarky for one day. Meanwhile, Bobby must overcome his fear of rollercoasters to fulfill his grandfather's dying wish.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Law Abiding Citizen
Clyde Shelton is an upstanding family man whose wife and daughter are brutally murdered during a home invasion. When the killers are caught, Nick Rice, a hotshot young Philadelphia prosecutor, is assigned to the case. Over his objections, Nick is forced by his boss to offer one of the suspects a light sentence in exchange for testifying against his accomplice. Fast forward ten years. The man who got away with murder is found dead and Clyde Shelton coolly admits his guilt. Then he issues a warning to Nick: Either fix the flawed justice system that failed his family, or key players in the trial will die. Soon Shelton follows through on his threats, orchestrating from his jail cell a string of spectacularly diabolical assassinations that can be neither predicted nor prevented. Philadelphia is gripped with fear as Shelton's high-profile targets are slain one after another and the authorities are powerless to halt his reign of terror. Only Nick can stop the killing, and to do so he must outwit this brilliant sociopath in a harrowing contest of wills in which even the smallest misstep means death. With his own family now in Shelton's crosshairs, Nick finds himself in a desperate race against time facing a deadly adversary who seems always to be one step ahead.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2204
A dog steals a birthday cupcake; a woman forgets bears can climb
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Shoeless Al
Al can't wear shoes because of his phony lawsuit against the mall.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Pump Fiction
Al and Kelly make a short film about shoes, and they end up getting $10,000 dollars to produce another one.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, March 11

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Unpleasant Surprises
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Radio Free Trumaine
In an attempt for a spinoff, we follow the lives of DJs Oliver Cole and Mark Campbell at a local radio station at Bud's college. Oliver and Mark risk being expelled for revealing the truth about dean Steve Rhoades' past.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Shoe Room with a View, A
Al arranges for an aerobics studio to open next to the shoe store.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner
When Bud decides to move out, Peggy's mother arrives to stay.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Briard
The family tries to console Kelly when Buck dies.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Island, The
Lincoln Six-Echo and Jordan Two-Delta are among the hundreds of residents of a contained facility in the mid-21st century. Like all of the inhabitants of this carefully controlled environment, everything about their day-to-day lives is monitored, seemingly for their own good. The only way out--and the hope they all share--is to be chosen to go to The Island, reportedly the last uncontaminated spot in the world following an ecological disaster that took the lives of everyone on the planet except them. Recently plagued by unexplained nightmares, Lincoln is restless and increasingly questioning of the restrictions placed on his life. But he is unprepared for the truth when his growing curiosity leads to the terrible discovery that everything about his existence is a lie, that The Island is a cruel hoax and that he, Jordan and everyone they know are actually more valuable dead than alive. With time running out, Lincoln and Jordan make a daring escape to the outside world they've never known. Once they are away from the prying eyes of the institute, the innocent friendship the two shared begins to deepen into something more. But with the forces of the institute relentlessly hunting them down, Lincoln and Jordan have one overriding mission: to live.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Cleveland Live!
In this "live" broadcast of "The Cleveland Show," complications ensue when Cleveland and Donna attempt to celebrate their anniversary.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
American Stepdad
Stan invites his mother (guest voice Swoosie Kurtz) to come live with the family after Stan's stepfather dies, and tensions rise when Roger is forced to share his attic with her. But Roger and Stan's mom quickly fall in love and get married, and Stan is forced to deal with Roger as his new stepdad. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends discover a mysterious plane crash while on a bike ride and come across a long-lost script of a "Fast and Furious" movie that they are determined to get made.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Why Can't We Be Friends
After concluding that Snot isn't cool enough to hang out with Steve, Stan concocts a scheme to separate the pair by sticking Snot in the Witness Protection Program; Roger gives Steve money to clean out his attic.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures in Hayleysitting
The Smith family's regular babysitter, Lindsay, breaks her leg in a soccer match, so Stan and Francine are forced to leave Steve with Hayley, despite her track record of being extremely irresponsible. When Hayley teases Steve about being a goody-two-shoes, Steve is determined to prove her wrong and sneaks out of the house to go to a party with the cool kids.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story
A Langley Falls talk show outs Francine as "Baby Franny," the toddler who was once rescued from a well by a heroic fireman. Then, on the anniversary of her rescue, she falls down the well again and makes a shocking discovery. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger have an entrepreneurial "eureka!" moment when they think of the world's next game-changing business opportunity - male stripper shoes.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
King is Dead, The
Lois asks Peter to be the producer of ``The King and I.''
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Golden Moldy
Doug downplays a problem in the basement so he and Carrie can still go on a trip they have planned.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
S' Poor House
Doug asks for financial assistance when insurance does not cover a mold problem.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Attention Deficit
Doug tries to prove to Carrie that he thinks about her all the time; friends threaten to ditch Doug's Super Bowl party for a co-worker's.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Fusilli Jerry, The
A mechanic pal (Patrick Warburton) uses Jerry's romantic techniques on Elaine.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Diplomat's Club, The
Kramer woos a rich Texan in hopes she will finance his women's fashion line; guests Debra Jo Rupp, Kim Zimmer.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Understudy, The
George is suspected of injuring Bette Midler in a softball game.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Face Painter, The
Elaine's boyfriend's behavior at a hockey game appalls her and Jerry.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vacation Solution, The
When Sheldon is forced to take a vacation by the university, he goes to work with Amy in her neurobiology lab.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rothman Disintegration, The
When a corner office at the University opens up, Sheldon must compete for it with his office nemesis, Barry Kripke. Meanwhile, Penny receives an unusual gift from Amy.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Werewolf Transformation, The
A change in Sheldon's routine forces him to re-evaluate his entire life, when his barber is sick. Meanwhile, Howard rethinks his decision to go into space after astronaut training.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Weekend Vortex, The
Sheldon chooses to participate in a guys-only weekend Star Wars gaming marathon rather than go with Amy to her aunt's birthday party... and gets a lesson from Penny and Amy.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Transporter Malfunction, The
It's a dream come true for Sheldon when he has a close encounter with his hero, Mr. Spock -- legendary sci-fi icon LEONARD NIMOY.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hawking Excitation, The
Sheldon has a chance to meet his hero, STEPHEN HAWKING.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5649
Guests: Sons of Anarchy Cast, First Aid Kit.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Office: An American Workplace, The-Pilot
When a documentary crew arrives at Mifflin, manager Michael Scott attempts to paint a rosy picture but fails after learning the company will be downsizing.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5649
Guests: Sons of Anarchy Cast, First Aid Kit.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Time to Move On
With Travis graduating college in a few months, Jules starts to worry about his job prospects with an art degree. Laurie and Ellie pose as a lesbian couple in a desperate effort to get Stan into a fancy new school. Meanwhile, Andy insists on making a cat video with the guys for Bro-day.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Island, The
Lincoln Six-Echo and Jordan Two-Delta are among the hundreds of residents of a contained facility in the mid-21st century. Like all of the inhabitants of this carefully controlled environment, everything about their day-to-day lives is monitored, seemingly for their own good. The only way out--and the hope they all share--is to be chosen to go to The Island, reportedly the last uncontaminated spot in the world following an ecological disaster that took the lives of everyone on the planet except them. Recently plagued by unexplained nightmares, Lincoln is restless and increasingly questioning of the restrictions placed on his life. But he is unprepared for the truth when his growing curiosity leads to the terrible discovery that everything about his existence is a lie, that The Island is a cruel hoax and that he, Jordan and everyone they know are actually more valuable dead than alive. With time running out, Lincoln and Jordan make a daring escape to the outside world they've never known. Once they are away from the prying eyes of the institute, the innocent friendship the two shared begins to deepen into something more. But with the forces of the institute relentlessly hunting them down, Lincoln and Jordan have one overriding mission: to live.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Reverend Al
Al and his friends turn No Ma'am into a tax-exempt church.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
How Bleen Was My Kelly
Kelly accidentally invents a baldness cure with some unusual side effects.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, March 12

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Timmy Quits
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Weaker Sex, The
Al suffers public scorn when Peggy is declared a hero for taking out a pickpocket.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Flight of the Bumblebee
Bud takes on wrestler King Kong Bundy as his initiation into "No Ma'am."
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Blonde and Blonder
Kelly's class reunion becomes the scene for an ex-nerd's revenge.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl II
Marcy is determined to keep Polk High's new football scoreboard from being named after Al.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Bearly Men
Al must prove himself a man so his father-in-law will take Peggy's mom back home.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Two That Got Away, The
Bumped from their fishing lodge cabin, Al and Jefferson seek revenge against actress Shannon Tweed.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Bourne Supremacy, The
Two years ago, Jason Bourne thought he had walked away from his past. But now, his past is about to return. Bourne and Marie have maintained their anonymous, underground existence at the cost of permanence. Fueled by splintered nightmares and haunted by the past he cannot remember, Bourne moves Marie from city to city, trying to remain one step ahead of the threat implicit in every unexplained stranger's glance, every "wrong number" phone call--that at any second, without any warning, he might get pulled back into the world he hopes he left behind. When an operative appears in the sleepy village that has been their latest home, Bourne and Marie collapse their lives and head out. His past at the door, their only chance now is to run. But once a line is crossed and the stakes in a new global game of cat-and-mouse are raised, the Jason Bourne created by Treadstone--the covert, now dismantled operation that spawned cold-blooded, professional assassins--returns. Two years ago, Bourne walked away from the deadly world that created him with a promise of retaliation should anyone attempt contact. Now that that world has indeed come calling, Bourne intends to keep his word. They should have left him alone.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
How Cleveland Got His Groove Back
After being humiliated in a baseball challenge, Cleveland decides to vacation in Africa, but a layover in Hawaii proves to be the cure for his shattered confidence.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina, a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy
I Am Peter Hear Me Roar
Peter finds his feminine side when he is sent to a women's retreat for sensitivity training.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Steve Moscow
Doug has a disagreement with his contractor, who then leaves his house in disarray.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Animal Attraction
Doug ruins St. Valentine's Day when he cancels a dinner with Carrie to transport penguins to Albany.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Prints Charming
Doug and Carrie feel insecure about their lives after they accidentally pick up the exciting pictures of another couple.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Highlights of a Hundred (Part I)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Highlights of a Hundred (Part 2)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soul Mate, The
George suspects the foundation attorney believes he murdered Susan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
Peter makes Chris pretend he's dying, in order to save a television program.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Running Mates
Peter runs against Lois for a seat on the school board.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Picture Is Worth A Thousand Bucks, A
Peter is envious of an old friend's success; Chris' painting gets serious attention.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fifteen Minutes of Shame
Meg exposes her family on a talk show.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Stag Convergence, The
Howard's wedding plans are in jeopardy after the guys (and Wil Wheaton) throw him a bachelor party and details of his sexual history are leaked online.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Launch Acceleration, The
When NASA reschedules Howard's mission and puts his wedding plans in jeopardy, he's forced to face his fears and Bernadette's dad (guest star CASEY SANDER).
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5661
Guests: Sofia Vergara, J.B. Smoove, Tune-Yards.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Diversity Day
Michael tells everyone it was his idea to hire a special consultant (Larry Wilmore) to teach racial tolerance and diversity, when in fact it was his behavior that necessitated the training.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5661
Guests: Sofia Vergara, J.B. Smoove, Tune-Yards.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mystery of Love
After Travis and Laurie have Jules and Grayson over for a sophisticated brunch, Jules attempts to prove that she and Grayson are the better couple. Andy plans a beach day for Stan so he will be considered a fun dad. Meanwhile, Tom helps Ellie finish a teen novel she started writing years ago.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Bourne Supremacy, The
Two years ago, Jason Bourne thought he had walked away from his past. But now, his past is about to return. Bourne and Marie have maintained their anonymous, underground existence at the cost of permanence. Fueled by splintered nightmares and haunted by the past he cannot remember, Bourne moves Marie from city to city, trying to remain one step ahead of the threat implicit in every unexplained stranger's glance, every "wrong number" phone call--that at any second, without any warning, he might get pulled back into the world he hopes he left behind. When an operative appears in the sleepy village that has been their latest home, Bourne and Marie collapse their lives and head out. His past at the door, their only chance now is to run. But once a line is crossed and the stakes in a new global game of cat-and-mouse are raised, the Jason Bourne created by Treadstone--the covert, now dismantled operation that spawned cold-blooded, professional assassins--returns. Two years ago, Bourne walked away from the deadly world that created him with a promise of retaliation should anyone attempt contact. Now that that world has indeed come calling, Bourne intends to keep his word. They should have left him alone.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2205
A toddler in a costume fears his own reflection
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
I Can't Believe It's Butter
Al forces Peggy's mom to get a job right before Christmas.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Love Conquers Al
Peggy takes Al and her parents to a marriage therapy retreat.
TV-PG