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SCHEDULE: August 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Saturday, August 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 (2)
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch "gold fever" and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby (1)
In the season premiere, Marcy excitedly announces that she's pregnant, but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she, too, has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby (2)
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women - pregnant or otherwise - decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to- be.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Set in 9th century Persia, an adventurous young prince uncovers a dangerous artifact in a remote mountain kingdom. With the help of a rival princess, he must stop a despot from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy all mankind.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
It's Complicated
Jane is the mother of three grown kids, owns a thriving Santa Barbara bakery/restaurant and has-after a decade of divorce-an amicable relationship with her ex-husband, attorney Jake. But when Jane and Jake find themselves out of town for their son''s college graduation, things start to get complicated. An innocent meal together turns into the unimaginable-an affair. With Jake remarried to the much younger Agness, Jane is now, of all things, the other woman. Caught in the middle of their renewed romance is Adam, an architect hired to remodel Jane''s kitchen. Healing from a divorce of his own, Adam starts to fall for Jane, but soon realizes he''s become part of a love triangle. Should Jane and Jake move on with their lives, or is love truly lovelier the second time around? It''s-complicated.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Emma Cries, The
Joey seeks forgiveness from Ross, while Rachel tries to quell Emma's incessant crying.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Pediatrician, The
Emma's pediatrician drops her as a patient because of Rachel's constant calls.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sharks, The
Monica fears Chandler has a sexual fetish involving sharks.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner, The
Famished Phoebe waits for tardy friends to arrive at her birthday dinner.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Contest, The
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine vie at self-denial; guests Estelle Harris, Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Phone Message, The
George regrets a nasty message he put on a date's answering machine.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vacation Solution, The
When Sheldon is forced to take a vacation by the university, he goes to work with Amy in her neurobiology lab.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rothman Disintegration, The
When a corner office at the University opens up, Sheldon must compete for it with his office nemesis, Barry Kripke. Meanwhile, Penny receives an unusual gift from Amy.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Werewolf Transformation, The
A change in Sheldon's routine forces him to re-evaluate his entire life, when his barber is sick. Meanwhile, Howard rethinks his decision to go into space after astronaut training.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Clipped
Mo's Ma
As Mo tries to come to terms with his parents divorce, the gang has additional insight as to why they might be splitting. A.J. accuses Danni of being jealous when she finds out he has a date.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Woman in Love (It's Not Me), A
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Don't Come Around Here No More
TV-PG
12:30 am
Movie
Your Highness
Throughout history, tales of chivalry have burnished the legends of brave, handsome knights who rescue fair damsels, slay dragons and conquer evil. But behind many a hero is a good-for-nothing younger brother trying just to stay out of the way of those dragons, evil and trouble in general. Thadeous has spent his life watching his perfect older brother Fabious embark upon valiant journeys and win the hearts of his people. Tired of being passed over for adventure, adoration and the throne, he's settled for a life of wizard's weed, hard booze and easy maidens. But when Fabious' bride-to-be, Belladonna, gets kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar, the king gives his deadbeat son an ultimatum: Man up and help rescue her or get cut off. Half-assedly embarking upon his first quest, Thadeous joins Fabious to trek across the perilous outlands and free the princess. Joined by Isabel--an elusive warrior with a dangerous agenda of her own--the brothers must vanquish horrific creatures and traitorous knights before they can reach Belladonna. If Thadeous can find his inner hero, he can help his brother prevent the destruction of his land.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Year One
When a couple of lazy hunter-gatherers are banished from their primitive village, they set off on an epic journey through the ancient world.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2320
A screaming goat mashup, failosophy, and itchy animals
TV-G
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Crime Aid
Following a burglary at Dunder Mifflin on the night of his third date with Holly, Michael organizes an auction to replace what was stolen. Pam has a job at corporate to help with finances. Dwight seeks Phyllis' help to win Angela back.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, August 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places
While Peggy and Marcy comb the city for Marcy's old baby furniture after Jefferson sells it to pocket the cash, the guys conduct a search of their own for the perfect maid - although cleanliness is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Has a Belly Ache
When Al and the kids are preoccupied with a seemingly-sick Buck, Peg, feeling neglected, returns home to her "kin" in Wanker County for a little TLC.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
If I Could See Me Now
After nearly driving off a bridge, Al lets the kids convince him to get eyeglasses, only to discover he doesn't like what he sees.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
God's Shoes
When Al has a spiritual experience and sees "God's shoes," he makes it his mission to recreate - and promote - his heavenly vision.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Year One
When a couple of lazy hunter-gatherers are banished from their primitive village, they set off on an epic journey through the ancient world.
TV-14
10:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he''s quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Your Highness
Throughout history, tales of chivalry have burnished the legends of brave, handsome knights who rescue fair damsels, slay dragons and conquer evil. But behind many a hero is a good-for-nothing younger brother trying just to stay out of the way of those dragons, evil and trouble in general. Thadeous has spent his life watching his perfect older brother Fabious embark upon valiant journeys and win the hearts of his people. Tired of being passed over for adventure, adoration and the throne, he's settled for a life of wizard's weed, hard booze and easy maidens. But when Fabious' bride-to-be, Belladonna, gets kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar, the king gives his deadbeat son an ultimatum: Man up and help rescue her or get cut off. Half-assedly embarking upon his first quest, Thadeous joins Fabious to trek across the perilous outlands and free the princess. Joined by Isabel--an elusive warrior with a dangerous agenda of her own--the brothers must vanquish horrific creatures and traitorous knights before they can reach Belladonna. If Thadeous can find his inner hero, he can help his brother prevent the destruction of his land.
TV-14
2:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
New York Yankees @ Chicago White Sox
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Male Nanny, The
Ross ridicules Rachel's choice of a male nanny (Freddie Prinze Jr.).
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Inappropriate Song, The
Chandler and Joey find a videotape while checking out Richard's apartment; Ross sings Emma an off-color lullaby.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Movie
Happy Gilmore
For centuries, golf has been a gentleman's game. A game of tradition, etiquette and, above all, sportsmanship... until now. Happy Gilmore is a hockey player skating on thin ice who discovers that his wicked slap shot easily converts into a crushing 400 yard tee shot with the potential for big bucks. Happy's career takes a 180 degree swing and lands him on the Pro Golf Tour, where he's about to turn the gentleman's game into a contact sport. A working stiff with a temper as short as his drives are long, Happy doesn't fit on the manicured greens of the country club. His outrageous antics, both on and off the course, cause an uproar among the players and officials; but his roughhouse style attracts hordes of new blue collar fans. Now Happy is going from rinks to links--and driving the game of golf straight into the ground.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Weekend Vortex, The
Sheldon chooses to participate in a guys-only weekend Star Wars gaming marathon rather than go with Amy to her aunt's birthday party... and gets a lesson from Penny and Amy.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Transporter Malfunction, The
It's a dream come true for Sheldon when he has a close encounter with his hero, Mr. Spock -- legendary sci-fi icon LEONARD NIMOY.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hawking Excitation, The
Sheldon has a chance to meet his hero, STEPHEN HAWKING.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Stag Convergence, The
Howard's wedding plans are in jeopardy after the guys (and Wil Wheaton) throw him a bachelor party and details of his sexual history are leaked online.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Launch Acceleration, The
When NASA reschedules Howard's mission and puts his wedding plans in jeopardy, he's forced to face his fears and Bernadette's dad (guest star CASEY SANDER).
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Countdown Reflection, The
When Howard and Bernadette decide they want to be married before his NASA space launch, the gang rushes to put on a wedding, on the fifth season finale.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie
Happy Gilmore
For centuries, golf has been a gentleman's game. A game of tradition, etiquette and, above all, sportsmanship... until now. Happy Gilmore is a hockey player skating on thin ice who discovers that his wicked slap shot easily converts into a crushing 400 yard tee shot with the potential for big bucks. Happy's career takes a 180 degree swing and lands him on the Pro Golf Tour, where he's about to turn the gentleman's game into a contact sport. A working stiff with a temper as short as his drives are long, Happy doesn't fit on the manicured greens of the country club. His outrageous antics, both on and off the course, cause an uproar among the players and officials; but his roughhouse style attracts hordes of new blue collar fans. Now Happy is going from rinks to links--and driving the game of golf straight into the ground.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he''s quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2321
Six finalists compete for the final $100,000 of the season, funny-sounding animals, and kids say
TV-G
 

Monday, August 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff's New Friend
As Jeff expands his social network by becoming friends with a guy from his gym, Brad, he's quickly convinced by Audrey and Adam that Brad's gay! Meanwhile, Russell's hot young date may be too close for comfort as he realizes events from his past may present themselves now and change his life forever.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Dad's Visit
Things get a bit burdensome for Jeff and Audrey when a simple visit from Jeff's father turns into a nightmare after he sprains his ankle and decides to sue them for his injury. Meanwhile, Jennifer and Adam butt heads when she disagrees with how his boss, Russell, treats him more like a servant than an employee. As usual, Russell's "hit it and quit it" ways are challenged when a one-night stand decides to extend her stay.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood (1)
Armed with cable TV and a new remote control, Al is determined to stay on the couch until he finds something good to watch on television -- while Kelly's public access show becomes the hottest thing on cable.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood (2)
The Bundys' dream of fame and fortune remain just that after Kelly's popular local cable talk show is revamped for primetime by Hollywood network executive Jeff Littlehead.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
In a style reminiscent of the old Hollywood thriller, Al dreams he's a private eye who finds himself in the middle of a murder when he's hired by a femme fatale to protect her inheritance from her thieving family.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
So This Is How Sinatra Felt
When Peg thinks Al's having an affair, she sends Kelly and Bud out to do some sleuthing, but no one is more shocked than Al to discover that a beautiful "shoe groupie" wants to try him on for size.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
I Who Have Nothing
When Al decides to draw up a will and divide up his worldly belongings, he tracks down his old high school girlfriend, to whom he gave his most prized possession -- his football.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Mystery of Skull Island, The
While Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson play a New Age board game, Bud finds himself unable to say no to sexy Kara, even if it kills him.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Eggsit Strategy
After hearing of possible layoffs at her law firm, Carrie begins to worry about her own job security; Doug loses Deacon's lucky Koosh ball.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
American Idle
Doug gets annoyed when Carrie loses her job and refuses to look for a new one.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Santa Claustrophobia
Carrie drives Doug crazy when she takes a part-time job at IPS during the holiday season; Arthur tries to bring everyone together for a Christmas portrait.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Thanks Man
Carrie forces a stranded motorist to wait out in the cold on Thanksgiving Day.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Independent Movie
Snot's father dies but Snot refuses to go to the funeral. Steve convinces Snot to take a road trip across the country to attend. Along the way the boys experience life as an independent movie, complete with strange characters and moments of raw emotion.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Faking Bad
When Hayley tries to go clubbing with her old friends she is turned away at the door because she doesn't have proper ID. Hayley convinces Steve to make a fake ID for her. The fake ID is so good that Hayley and Steve go into business together as counterfeiters.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Minstrel Krampus
When Steve starts acting like a spoiled brat during the holidays, Stan takes him to see his incarcerated Grandpa Jack, who tells him the story of how he caught Minstrel Krampus, a legendary demon who punishes naughty children on Christmas. Stan decides that releasing Krampus is the only way to straighten out Steve's attitude. But when Krampus kidnaps Steve, it's up to Stan and Roger to get him back. Meanwhile, Hayley gets a job at the airport, but quickly realizes that she might not be cut out for customer service.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Vision: Impossible
Roger gets into a serious car accident and wakes up from his coma to discover that he now has the ability to see the future. He uses this ability to rescue the Smith family from dangerous situations.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mom's the Word
After some questionable food choices, Peter accidentally soils himself at work. Ashamed, he heads home and finds all of his family and friends have gathered there. He thinks they┐re going to make fun of him, but they┐re actually there to deliver some sad news┐his mother, Thelma, has passed away.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Rats, The
Monica invites Rachel's workplace rival (Dermot Mulroney) to her birthday party; Joey flirts with Emma's new nanny (Melissa George); Phoebe and Mike (Paul Rudd) take care of a litter of rats.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Monica Sings, The
Monica exults in the applause she receives on karaoke night, unaware that the cheering audience can see through her blouse.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blind Dates, The
Joey and Phoebe conspire to send Rachel and Ross on disastrous blind dates.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Mugging, The
Joey stumbles upon a way to impress a famous actor (Jeff Goldblum) during an audition; Ross learns the identity of a long-ago mugger; Chandler accepts an internship at a shoe company.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Opposite, The
George learns success lies in doing the opposite of what he would normally do; guests Dedee Pfeiffer, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford; French Stewart.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Hamptons, The
Jerry's girlfriend sees George naked during a weekend at the beach.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Truth, The
A woman (Valerie Mahaffey) wants to know why George doesn't want to see her.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Parking Garage, The
Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer lose their car in a mall parking garage.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Movie, The
Jerry tries to coordinate two comedy appearances and a movie with friends; guest Tom La Grua.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Robbery, The
Jerry's decision to move sets off a chain of events.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
3 Acts of God
It┐s football season and the Patriots have just lost their tenth game in a row. A disgruntled Peter joins Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland at The Clam to drink and complain about their home team. Peter suddenly has an epiphany while watching the post-game show: the teams that defeat the Patriots consistently thank God for carrying them to victory.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fresh Heir
Peter breaks his promise to take Chris on a fishing trip, leaving Chris feeling rejected. Lois suggests he spend more time with Carter, who has a broken leg and needs someone to take care of him.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Roy Rodgers McFreely
After term limits force Stan out of his position as president of the HOA, Roger steps in as the new leader under the guise of one Roy Rogers McFreely. Roger uses his power to pass new resolutions and by-laws solely to anger Stan, who earlier refused to buy Roger grenadine. Stan teams up with Hayley and plots to have Roger removed from office.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Jack's Back
When Stan's con-man dad Jack resurfaces in prison awaiting trial for a crime he did not commit, Steve gets Stan to let Jack stay with them under house arrest. Steve takes the opportunity to reconcile the two, but Stan is convinced that Jack is just using them to escape prison. Meanwhile, Hayley interns at Roger's attic bar.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Secondhand Spoke
Peter discovers he can skip out of work by taking smoke breaks. He begins smoking to dodge other tasks and soon gets addicted. When he wakes up one day with sunken cheeks and gray skin, Lois pushes him to visit a smoking rehab clinic.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Herpe the Love Sore
Stewie is fascinated by the blood oath in The Outlaw Josey Wales and begs Brian to perform the same ritual with him. After some nagging, Brian finally relents. They cut their palms and firmly shake hands, thus becoming blood brothers. The next morning, Stewie wakes up to find his lip has broken out with herpes sores.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5763
Guest: Ice-T & Coco, Jimmy Pardo.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Employee Transfer
Michael helps Holly move following her transfer to Nashua, NH. Meanwhile, Pam discovers people at corporate are less enthused about Halloween than she, and Dwight agitates Andrew by applying to Cornell.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5763
Guest: Ice-T & Coco, Jimmy Pardo.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Two Gunslingers
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Cliffhanger
Gabe Walker is the leader of a mountain rescue team who loses his nerve after witnessing an amateur climber fall to her death. When a group of ingenious fugitives survive a plane crash, and take his ex-girlfriend and his former climbing partner hostage, Walker must overcome his fears and climb the mountain to take on the well-armed gang.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2322
AFV's grand prize spectacular: the three $100,000 winners of the season battle it out for the grand prize
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2401
TV-G
 

Tuesday, August 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Lyin' King
Things quickly get complicated when Audrey and Jeff decide to ditch a dinner date with Jennifer and Adam in order to attend Brad and Jackie's exclusive, celebrity-packed party. When Jenifer and Adam end up at the same party, Jeff and Audrey's lies begin to snowball and it becomes obvious that the truth is catching up to them. Meanwhile,Russell's womanizing ways get him in trouble at the same venue when he hits on the girlfriend of a NFL great. In order to get out of this messy situation, Russell makes Timmy more than just his personal assistant, which proves to be a bit too close for comfort for Timmy.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Poaching Timmy
When Audrey's ongoing problems with her assistant Tanya becomes too much for her to stand, Russell's new assistant Timmy looks like the perfect replacement. Meanwhile, Jeff's superstitions gets the best of him as he tries to recreate the day his favorite football team won.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Just Shoe It
Al relives his glory days as a high school football star (All City '66) when he lands a role in a Super Bowl commercial with ex-jocks Sugar Ray Leonard, Steve Carlton and Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rites of Passage
Though Peggy has hired Sticky the Clown to entertain at Bud's 18th birthday party, Al follows Bundy tradition and takes his son to the nudie bar for his first brawl.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Egg and I, The
Steve Rhoades, on the run after hijacking an endangered egg, returns to reclaim his ex-wife, but Marcy doesn't want him back and all the Bundys want is to turn him in to the FBI for the reward money.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Psychic Avengers
When Al takes over Jefferson's psychic scam, rival mystic Madame Inga puts a curse on the entire Bundy family.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
My Dinner with Anthrax
It's Al and Peggy's 20th anniversary and Bud and Kelly pack them off to a time-share scam in Florida so heavy metal band Anthrax can party at the Bundy house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
High I.Q.
Bud is up in arms when Kelly is invited to join a group of geniuses, while Al and Jefferson try their hand at putting together a workbench -- and lose a few fingers in the process.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Frigid Heirs
After Arthur wins $2,500 playing bingo, a dispute erupts over how the money should be spent.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Switch Sitters
Deacon and Kelly decide to take Arthur out to dinner so Doug and Carrie can be alone, but they ignore a warning about Arthur's reaction to spicy food.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Cheap Saks
Carrie discovers Doug's annoying ex-girlfriend (Janeane Garofalo) has an employee discount at Saks Fifth Avenue.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Damned Yankee
Carrie catches Doug fantasizing about other women while he is under sedation at the hospital.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
Cleveland tries to generate interest for a comic book character at ComicCon; Donna is horrified to discover that director Robert Rodriguez is screening a Blaxploitation film she appeared in years earlier.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Familyland
The Smith family goes to Familyland theme park for vacation. Francine wants the family to spend the day together, but the individual members go their separate ways. Francine cries in front of a statue of the park's founder, Roy Family, and awakens Roy from a deep slumber.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Cock of the Sleepwalk
Stan celebrates his one hundredth kill for the C.I.A and says his success as an assassin comes from him not having a conscience. The night of the celebration Stan sleepwalks and performs good deeds for his family. Upon waking up, Stan is shocked to learn that his conscience is taking control of his body.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Introducing the Naughty Stewardesses
Stan takes Francine on a surprise trip to Sacramento, but Francine is bored. They meet the Naughty Stewardesses, four women who use their status as flight attendants to find love and adventure.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
I Ain't No Holodeck Boy
Stan thinks that Steve and his friends spend too much time indoors playing video games. He wishes that the boys would go outside and have the kind of adventures in the woods that he had as a child. When Stan learns that the C.I.A. has a hologram deck that can simulate real environments, he drugs the boys and places them inside, making them think they have been left in the woods.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Most Interesting Man in the World, The
Peter attends theater shows, museums, and other high culture events across the country. Eventually, he transforms into a sophisticated and scholarly individual.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lottery, The
The gang buys scads of lottery tickets for the multimillion-dollar jackpot.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Voice, The
Jerry takes an interest in a girlfriend's navel; Kramer hires an intern.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Serenity Now, The
Jerry's new girlfriend (Lori Loughlin) encourages him to express his emotions.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pledge Drive, The
Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pen, The
Jerry accepts a gift his parents wanted him to refuse.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wife, The
A girlfriend (Courteney Cox) poses as Jerry's wife so he can get a dry-cleaning discount.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Date Night Variable, The
On the sixth season premiere, Howard discovers that he can't escape his mother -- even in space! Back on earth, meanwhile, Raj turns his existence as a third wheel into an art form.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Decoupling Fluctuation, The
When Sheldon learns that Penny is thinking about breaking up with Leonard, he tries to intervene. Meanwhile, Howard is being picked on in space by the other astronauts.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Higgs Boson Observation, The
Amy's nervous when Sheldon hires Alex, a female assistant.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Re-Entry Minimization, The
Howard returns from space...without the welcome he wanted.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Clipped
Gambler, The
When the guys learn that Buzzy is gambling with the money he'd set aside for his mother's medication, A.J. and Mo decide to lose a poker game to him on purpose but it isn't as easy to convince Ben to do the right thing. Danni, Charmaine and Joy make up the Doyle Sisters for a wedding and discuss what makes for a strong marriage, which causes Joy questions her relationship with Bart.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Holographic Excitation, The
The gang celebrates Halloween at Stuart's comic book store. Meanwhile Leonard and Penny discover a new spark in their relationship when he seduces her with science.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5764
Guests: Ryan Reynolds, Judy Greer, Catfish and the Bottlemen
TV-MA
12:00 am
Clipped
Gambler, The
When the guys learn that Buzzy is gambling with the money he'd set aside for his mother's medication, A.J. and Mo decide to lose a poker game to him on purpose but it isn't as easy to convince Ben to do the right thing. Danni, Charmaine and Joy make up the Doyle Sisters for a wedding and discuss what makes for a strong marriage, which causes Joy questions her relationship with Bart.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5764
Guests: Ryan Reynolds, Judy Greer, Catfish and the Bottlemen
TV-MA
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Here Comes My Girl
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Daredevil
He dwells in a world of external night--but the blackness is filled with sounds and scents, tastes and textures that most cannot perceive. Although attorney Matt Murdock is blind, his other four senses function with superhuman sharpness. By day, Murdock represents the downtrodden. At night he is Daredevil, a masked vigilante stalking the dark streets of the city, a relentless avenger of justice. For Daredevil justice is blind--and for the guilty, there''s hell to pay.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2402
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2403
TV-G
 

Wednesday, August 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Old Timer's Day
When Jeff throws out his back after sneezing during his league baseball game, everyone starts to make fun of him being old and bent out of shape, especially his new friend Brad. Meanwhile, Jennifer decides to get off "the pill," which leaves her in bad mood and Adam in the line of fire. Meanwhile, Russell convinces Jeff that he's not old and he should not let his team replace him with a younger player!
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Twice
When Audrey becomes jealous of a pregnant co-worker, she inadvertently convinces her colleagues that she has a bundle of joy on the way too. Meanwhile, Jennifer and Adam get a surprise Amish visitor, Toby, who is a little unaccustomed to his new urban surroundings. Russell quickly takes it upon himself to show Toby around town and exposes him to his so-called "fabulousbachelor lifestyle." The end result is unbelievable.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Teacher Pets
When Bud's English teacher has the hots for him, he seeks advice from Al, who takes time out of his busy schedule attending birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese to correct the situation with the usual Bundy flair.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Goodbye Girl, The
While Al takes a world tour via the living room couch and remote control, Kelly gets a job at the TV World theme park.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Gas Station Show, The
Al takes the family out for a Bundy Sunday Fun Day, but when he can't pay for gas, he is forced to work off his debt as an attendant on the full-serve island.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
England Show (1)
The Bundys win a free trip to England, but little do they know they are being set up for execution, for only the death of every male Bundy can lift the curse of darkness from the English town of Lower Uncton.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
England Show (2)
Al, Peggy and Bud arrive in Lower Uncton, where the townspeople prepare to kill them, but lost, globetrotting Kelly, is able to warn them of danger.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
England Show (3)
When the townspeople of Upper and Lower Uncton fight over who gets to kill Al and Bud, Al jousts to save his neck, but a little trouble in Customs concerning a certain hotel towel gets him thrown in the dungeon.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Multiple Plots
Carrie, still unemployed, helps Holly with dog walking; Arthur sells his burial plot to Spence's mother, Veronica (Anne Meara).
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Trash Talker
Doug's grade school nemesis (Jon Favreau) is Deacon's new friend and may become Carrie's new boss.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Precedent Nixin'
Carrie's plan to stay at a hotel, while visiting her in-laws in Florida, backfires when their hotel is overrun by spring breakers.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Foe: Pa
When Arthur embarrasses Carrie at a job interview, Doug must heal the breach between father and daughter.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
BFFs
Cleveland takes his friends on a canoeing trip, where the guys encounter a group of deviant hillbillies; Donna enters Rollo in a quiz tournament to prove he's as smart as the other kids.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Stan Goes on the Pill
Francine is frustrated that Stan only pretends to pay attention when she talks. Stan takes a pill engineered by the C.I.A. to help male agents listen to females. Stan takes too much and the pill physically transforms him into a woman.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Honey, I'm Homeland
Stan goes undercover at an Occupy Wall Street rally and gets kidnapped by a group of radical leftists. The liberals subject Stan to horrific torture to re-educate him, but Stan escapes. After Stan returns home, Hayley notices Stan's odd behavior and fears that he may have been brainwashed.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
She Swill Survive
Stan is tired of Hayley being lazy and unemployed, so he forces her to take a job in Roger's bar. Deputy Director Bullock is a regular at the bar, and he confesses his secrets to Hayley.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Rubberneckers
Stan and Francine go out to dinner and Francine catches Stan looking at another woman. Stan tells his co-workers that he got caught and the co-workers teach Stan about Rubbernecking, the art of checking out other woman on the sly.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baby Got Black
Chris hits it off with Pam, a black girl from school who happens to be Jerome┐s daughter. Jerome doesn┐t approve because he thinks Chris is just interested in sex.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With The Joke, The
Ross and Chandler bicker over which of them created a raunchy joke. Phoebe antagonizes Monica and Rachel with her candor. Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Sister (Part 1), The
Rachel tries to help her pampered younger sister, Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON), find independence, but Jill flirting with Ross is not part of the plan. Monica won't admit that she is sick.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 1), The
The friends ponder what might have come to pass if each had taken a different path in life.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 2), The
In the speculative fantasy, Ross initiates romantic advances with his wife Carol (JANE SIBBETT); Chandler and Monica help each other overcome loneliness; Rachel learns the truth about her husband; and Phoebe sneaks out of the hospital.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Merv Griffin Show, The
Jerry dates a toy collector; Kramer thinks he finds a TV show's furniture set.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Betrayal, The
Elaine drags Jerry and George to a wedding in India; Kramer's life is threatened.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Implant, The
Elaine says Jerry's girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) has implants, so he dumps her.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Airport, The
On a flight, Jerry meets a beauty, while Elaine sits next to a smelly guy.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Extract Obliteration, The
Sheldon's friendship with renowned scientist STEPHEN HAWKING is threatened by a game of "Words with Friends," while Penny secretly enrolls in a class at the local college.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Habitation Configuration, The
Bernadette pressures Howard to move out of his mother's house, while Sheldon finds himself caught in the middle of a fight between Amy and Wil Wheaton.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
43 Peculiarity, The
Howard and Raj try to solve a mystery about Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Parking Spot Escalation, The
Sheldon & Howard battle over an assigned parking spot.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fish Guts Displacement, The
Howard bonds with his father-n-law on a fishing trip.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Santa Simulation, The
Sheldon unwillingly revisits some Christmas memories during a lively game of Dungeons and Dragons, while Raj joins the girls for ladies night out.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5765
Guests: Armie Hammer, Leon Bridges
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Customer Survey
Dwight and Jim are shocked when they get the results of the annual customer survey report. Pam and Jim spend every minute together on their Bluetooth phones, and Angela and Andy pick an unusual location for their wedding.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5765
Guests: Armie Hammer, Leon Bridges
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Mystery Man
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
After an ancient truce existing between humankind and the invisible realm of the fantastic is broken, hell on Earth is ready to erupt. A ruthless leader who treads the world above and the one below defies his bloodline and awakens an unstoppable army of creatures. Now, it''s up to the planet''s toughest, roughest superhero to battle the merciless dictator and his marauders. He may be red. He may be horned. He may be misunderstood. But when you need the job done right, it''s time to call in Hellboy. Along with his expanding team in the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense--pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz, aquatic empath Abe and protoplasmic mystic Johann--the BPRD will travel between the surface strata and the unseen magical one, where creatures of fantasy become corporeal. And Hellboy, a creature of two worlds who''s accepted by neither, must choose between the life he knows and an unknown destiny that beckons him.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2404
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Magnificent Seven
When Peg's 5-year-old nephew Seven is abandoned at the Bundy doorstep by his loser parents, Peg and Al decide to keep him, much to their kids' dismay.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, August 6

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Challenge, The
When Jeff, Russell, and Adam make a bet to see who would be able to score the soonest, the three put their thinking caps on and rise up to the challenge. In the meantime, Russell's new assistant Timmy is also put into place as a watch guard for Russell. But when a series of unfortunate events begin to unwind, Jeff, Russell, and Adam are left out to hang with minutes to spare, leaving only one winner that takes everyone by surprise.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Family Style
When Audrey plans a dinner date with Jeff, Jackie and Brad, Jeff feels extremely violated when Jackie begins eating off his plate! Meantime, when Russell finds out his new fling (a psychotherapist), Ellen, won't see him as a patient, he quickly gets creative and decides to use Timmy to find out why he is the way he is.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
T-R-A-Something-Something Spells Tramp
When Kelly's date gives her an ultimatum, she finds herself stranded but not alone on a deserted road 15 miles outside Chicago. Meanwhile, Peg tries to put some spice back into her marriage by spending Saturday night "communicating" with Al.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Every Bundy Has a Birthday
When Seven can't remember his birthday, Peggy assigns him one, selecting the next day, which also happens to be Al's birthday. The family decides to go to the town park to celebrate, only to find it's been rented by a rich, snobby family.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Al on the Rocks
When Peggy panics over Seven's sneezes, she begins piling up medical bills, forcing Al to take on a second job as a "topless" bartender.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
What I Did for Love
Peg tries everything in the book to renew Al's romantic interest in her -- up to and including promises of five-course meals.
TV-14
9:00 am
Married With Children
Frat Chance
Desperate for a date, Bud founds his own community college fraternity in his garage.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Chicago Wine Party, The
With the elections coming up, Al convinces his family to register and vote for the first time in an effort to stop a proposed tax on beer. When the tax increase passes, Al leads an angry protest to overturn the bill.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Tank Heaven
Doug deliberately offends Carrie's co-workers by showing them his chest hair.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Alter Ego
Doug, Deacon, Danny and Spence take an impulsive trip to Memphis to try and stop the wedding of Spence's ex-girlfriend (Rachel Dratch).
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Icky Shuffle
When Carrie comes down with a cold, Arthur must find a new teammate for the senior center's shuffleboard tournament.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Awful Bigamy
When Holly is kicked out of her apartment, Arthur insists she stay with him until she can find someplace new to live.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hurricane, The
Cleveland and his family become trapped in the house without food when a hurricane ravages Stoolbend; Cleveland Jr. announces that he does not believe in God.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Permanent Record Wrecker
Stan is laid off from work and has to search for a job for the first time in over twenty years. When he applies for jobs, Stan learns that his permanent record has been wiped clean of his C.I.A. experience and no one wants to hire him.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
News Glance with Genevieve Vavance
Hayley wants to save the world through investigative journalism so she becomes an intern for a local news reporter. The reporter turns out to be Roger, who gets ratings through sensationalized stories.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Longest Distance Relationship, The
Hayley is injured in a fire and while she is in the hospital she meets Millionaire Matt Davis. As Hayley and Matt fall in love, Steve discovers Jeff Fischer is still alive in outer space. Jeff and Hayley communicate via an old CB radio and Jeff asks Hayley to stay true to him while he finds a way back to Earth.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Boy Named Michael, A
Greg and Terry decide to adopt a ten-year-old Russian boy named Michael. At a party celebrating the decision, Roger is jealous of Greg and Terry's fabulous lifestyle of culture and sophistication. Roger rejects the Smith family as trashy and impersonates Michael, successfully integrating into his new home.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Meg Stinks!
Peter and Meg bond during a college visit to Vermont. The two party all night resulting in Meg missing out on an important interview. Lois begins to worry that Peter is becoming too much of a distraction and warns Meg not to get too attached, but Meg is just happy to be getting positive attention from her father for the first time.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Unagi, The
Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Ross tries to teach martial arts to Rachel and Phoebe. Joey hires a look-alike.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Dates a Student, The
When a fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe must choose between living temporarily with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble where he teaches.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Fridge, The
Ross worries when his student/girlfriend goes on vacation with her wild friends. Meanwhile, Joey's refrigerator breaks down.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Slicer, The
Kramer buys a meat slicer; Jerry's date (Marcia Cross) considers his job meaningless.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pool Guy, The
The pool man at Jerry's health club wants to be his best friend.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Frogger, The
Elaine eats Peterman's cake; Kramer helps George steal an arcade game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wig Master, The
Jerry reconsiders buying a costly jacket by using Elaine's discount at the shop.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
He's Bla-ack!
With the Brown family moving back to Quahog, it looks like the old gang is reunited. But Peter┐s friendship with Cleveland is quickly put on hold when Donna and Lois butt heads over different parenting styles, and forbid them to see each other.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chap Stewie
Stewie is happily watching the season finale of his favorite British television program when Chris and Peter suddenly show up in the living room, playing a game where they run around and hit each other with mattresses. Peter knocks Chris into the television set, which breaks and leaves Stewie furious because he can't watch his show. He throws a tantrum and gets sent to his room, where he decides to rebuild his time machine and use it to prevent his birth into the Griffin family.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Egg Salad Equivalency, The
Sheldon is accused of sexual harassment at the University and winds up dragging Leonard, Raj and Howard into the fray.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bakersfield Expedition, The
Leonard's car is stolen when the guys take a road trip to a comic book convention in Bakersfield, dressed as Star Trek characters.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper, The/Kripke Inversion
Outraged that he's being forced to work with his university nemesis, Barry Kripke (guest star JOHN ROSS BOWIE), Sheldon faces a crisis of conscience.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spoiler Alert Segmentation, The
When Sheldon and Leonard fight, it affects Penny and Amy's living arrangements. Meanwhile, Raj takes care of Mrs. Wolowitz while Howard is away.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5766
Guests: Christina Applegate, Nat Faxon, Tom Papa
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Business Trip
Michael is sent on a business trip to Canada and brings Oscar and Andy along with him. Meanwhile, Jim counts down the days until Pam is done with art school.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5766
Guests: Christina Applegate, Nat Faxon, Tom Papa
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Rhino Skin
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
John Carter
War-weary, former military captain John Carter is inexplicably transported to Mars where he becomes reluctantly embroiled in a conflict of epic proportions amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas and the captivating Princess Dejah Thoris. In a world on the brink of collapse, Carter rediscovers his humanity when he realizes that the survival of Barsoom (Mars) and its people rests in his hands.
TV-PG
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2405
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
When Al can't afford to pay the bills, he convinces Kelly to get a job. Finding employment as a waitress at a burger joint, Kelly realizes why mother Peg has never worked a day in her life.
TV-PG
 

Friday, August 7

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
May Divorce Be with You
When Audrey invites her and Jeff's recently divorced out of luck friend Steve to stay with them for a few days, Audrey thinks she may have become Steve's newest rebound. Meanwhile, Russell's love em' and leave em' antics have finally caught up with him when his newest fling Tina's overprotective brothers manage to track Russell down and make him follow through with his never ending empty promises.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
House Money
When Jennifer and Russell decide to teach Adam a lesson in responsibility, the joke is on them when Adam has the last laugh.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes John Sebastian, Peter Noone, Mark Lindsay, Robby Krieger, Richie Havens and Spencer Davis. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Death of a Shoe Salesman
While shopping for a burial plot for the family, Al and Peg discover they don't have enough money, so they have to be buried in the same casket.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Old College Try
Bud's big plans to move into his college dorm are destroyed when Al and Peg manage to get their hands on his scholarship money and go on a shopping spree. Broke and dormless, Bud is forced back into the Bundy household.
TV-14
8:30 am
Married With Children
Christmas
Al does his yearly pre-Christmas inspection of the family and can find they've done nothing wrong, which means he has to buy them presents, but he has to take a job as a Department Store Santa to pay for the gifts.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Show, The
As the Bundys prepare to attend their cousin Jimmy's wedding, everything begins to go wrong. Al can't find his suit, Peg can't get her make-up right, Kelly and the bridesmaids think they have on the wrong dresses and Bud gets caught with the bride.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Al takes a fishing trip alone, only to have Peg and Marcy show up and spoil his vacation.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Married With Children
Heels on Wheels
Kelly buys a motorcycle to put some fun back into her life, but disaster strikes when Al decides to take the bike out for a spin.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Pilot
In-laws (Jerry Stiller, Lisa Rieffel) displace Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) and his 70-inch TV from a basement lair; with Leah Remini.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Head First
Carrie convinces Doug to spend more time with Arthur.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fat City
Doug worries that Carrie will grow to look like her mother.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Nightmare on Grace Street, A
On Halloween...Donna forces Cleveland and Rallo to spend a night in a spooky abandoned house; Roberta attempts to choose between a boy she thinks is a vampire and a boy she thinks is a werewolf.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Skip Day
Cleveland is stunned to discover that Junior is stronger than he is; Lester vows revenge after Kendra is injured in a hit-and-run accident.unaware that Rallo is to blame.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Roger Passes the Bar
Roger pushes himself to the breaking point by working non-stop at his dive bar. When he suffers a heart attack, Roger decides to sell the bar to a company that promises to continue his vision. Upon returning to visit, Roger sees that the dive bar has been completely remade as a family friendly restaurant.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Blagsnarst: A Love Story
Roger has been acting incredibly needy and clingy with the family. He senses something in the air that is affecting his behavior but he can't tell where its coming from. Roger leads Francine to a forest where they find a crashed alien ship, with the alien still alive.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Blonde Ambition
When her efforts to save the planet prove hopeless, Hayley decides that she might get more attention if she becomes a blonde. Meanwhile, Stan and Steve go on a mission to find a new home for the Smiths.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
CIAPOW
When Bullock sends a drone to do the job Stan and his colleagues are supposed to do, Stan is determined to prove that humans are better than robots. Meanwhile, Francine and the rest of the family participate in a slow motion race in the living room.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Donor, The
Monica and Chandler interview unsuspecting candidates, hoping to find the right man to father their baby.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 1), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 2), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pitch, The (Part 1)
Network executives ask Jerry to create a show; Jerry tries to evade a vengeful writer; George woos an executive; guest Heidi Swedberg.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Ticket, The (Part 2)
Jerry tries to evade a vengeful writer; George woos an executive.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Seven, The
Jerry's girlfriend (Lisa Deanne) wears the same dress; Elaine loses a bike to Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death Has A Shadow
Peter gets drunk, setting off a series of events which end at the Super Bowl.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Never Met The Dead Man
Teaching Meg to drive, Peter wrecks a satellite dish; Stewie hates vegetables.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Killers
Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt believes she''ll never fall in love again. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams, the dashing, handsome Spencer Aimes. Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life - that is, until the morning after Spencer''s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. It turns out Spencer never bothered to tell Jen he''s also an international super-spy, and now Jen''s perfect world has been turned upside down. Faced with the fact that her husband is a hit man, Jen is determined to discover what other secrets Spencer might be keeping - all the while trying to dodge bullets, keep up neighborly appearances, manage the in-laws and work out some major trust issues. And you thought suburban life was easy.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Clipped
Gambler, The
When the guys learn that Buzzy is gambling with the money he'd set aside for his mother's medication, A.J. and Mo decide to lose a poker game to him on purpose but it isn't as easy to convince Ben to do the right thing. Danni, Charmaine and Joy make up the Doyle Sisters for a wedding and discuss what makes for a strong marriage, which causes Joy questions her relationship with Bart.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Scare Easy
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Stop Dragging My Heart Around
TV-PG
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
One for the Money
A proud, born-and-bred Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum''s got plenty of attitude, even if she''s been out of work for the last six months and just lost her car to a debt collector. Desperate for some fast cash, Stephanie turns to her last resort: convincing her sleazy cousin to give her a job at his bail bonding company as a recovery agent. True, she doesn''t even own a pair of handcuffs and her weapon of choice is pepper spray, but that doesn''t stop Stephanie from taking on Vinny''s biggest bail-jumper: former vice cop and murder suspect Joe Morelli - yup, the same sexy, irresistible Joe Morelli who seduced and dumped her back in high school. Nabbing Morelli would be a satisfying payback - and a hefty payday - but as Stephanie learns the ins and outs of becoming a recovery agent from Ranger, a hunky colleague who is the best in the business, she also realizes the case against Morelli isn''t airtight. Add to the mix her meddling family, a potentially homicidal boxer, witnesses who keep dying and the problem of all those flying sparks when she finds Morelli himself. Suddenly Stephanie''s new job isn''t nearly as easy as she thought.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2406
TV-G
 

Saturday, August 8

6:00 am
Married With Children
Mr. Empty Pants
Peggy's unflattering cartoon makes Al a reluctant celebrity.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
You Can't Miss
Bud goes on a dating game for "nerds."
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy and the Pirates
While reading a romance novel, Peg fantasizes that she is a lady in distress and Al is the pirate who saves her.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn''t look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie''s new mentor wasn''t an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center''s ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world''s worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
One for the Money
A proud, born-and-bred Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum''s got plenty of attitude, even if she''s been out of work for the last six months and just lost her car to a debt collector. Desperate for some fast cash, Stephanie turns to her last resort: convincing her sleazy cousin to give her a job at his bail bonding company as a recovery agent. True, she doesn''t even own a pair of handcuffs and her weapon of choice is pepper spray, but that doesn''t stop Stephanie from taking on Vinny''s biggest bail-jumper: former vice cop and murder suspect Joe Morelli - yup, the same sexy, irresistible Joe Morelli who seduced and dumped her back in high school. Nabbing Morelli would be a satisfying payback - and a hefty payday - but as Stephanie learns the ins and outs of becoming a recovery agent from Ranger, a hunky colleague who is the best in the business, she also realizes the case against Morelli isn''t airtight. Add to the mix her meddling family, a potentially homicidal boxer, witnesses who keep dying and the problem of all those flying sparks when she finds Morelli himself. Suddenly Stephanie''s new job isn''t nearly as easy as she thought.
TV-14
11:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Killers
Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt believes she''ll never fall in love again. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams, the dashing, handsome Spencer Aimes. Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life - that is, until the morning after Spencer''s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. It turns out Spencer never bothered to tell Jen he''s also an international super-spy, and now Jen''s perfect world has been turned upside down. Faced with the fact that her husband is a hit man, Jen is determined to discover what other secrets Spencer might be keeping - all the while trying to dodge bullets, keep up neighborly appearances, manage the in-laws and work out some major trust issues. And you thought suburban life was easy.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Invitations, The
George searches for a way to stop his impending nuptials; guests Janeane Garofalo, Stephen Root, George Steinbrenner.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Money, The
Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac, thinking he needs money; J. Peterman returns.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Summer of George, The
George plans a vacation; Elaine critiques a co-worker (Molly Shannon); guest Raquel Welch.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangible Affection Proof, The
Sheldon struggles to find a Valentine's gift for Amy.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monster Isolation, The
Raj vows never to leave his apartment after a horrible date.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Contractual Obligation Implementation, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Howard try to advance the cause of women in science by speaking with junior high girls about their future careers, while Raj plans his date with Lucy.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closet Reconfiguration, The
To open or not to open When Howard finds a letter from his father, he's forced to confront his past. And Leonard and Penny throw a "grown-up" cocktail party at the apartment.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tenure Turbulence, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Raj fight for tenure at the University.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closure Alternative, The
After one of his favorite TV shows gets canceled too soon, Sheldon feels lost, so Amy tries to help him get over his compulsive need for closure by retraining his brain.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
America's Next Weatherman
Into the Storm
12 wanna-be weathercasters and meteorologists compete in hilarious challenges to win $100,000, an agent and an appearance forecasting the weather on CNN's New Day.
TV-14
12:00 am
America's Next Weatherman
Into the Storm
12 wanna-be weathercasters and meteorologists compete in hilarious challenges to win $100,000, an agent and an appearance forecasting the weather on CNN's New Day.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby''s father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid''s mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you''ve just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they''re not the soul mates they''d hoped they might be. With Alison''s harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they''ve got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Go for the Old
Al becomes obsessed with his age after a theater cashier gives him a senior citizen's discount.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, August 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
Un-Alful Entry
Al becomes a local hero when he stands up to a burglar.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Movie Show
Kelly gets an unpleasant surprise when the family takes her to a movie on her birthday.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
'Til Death Do Us Part
When Peg complains about Al's lovemaking to the girls at the beauty parlor, he becomes the laughingstock of the town.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Tis Time to Smell the Roses
Peg spends all of Al's early retirement money and forces him to go back to work.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
When Al's Dodge is stolen, he learns it is only worth $100, and he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things missing from his trunk.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
11:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Definitely, Maybe
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will''s story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the ''ins'' and ''outs'' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will''s college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad''s romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it''s definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
TV-14
2:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
San Francisco Giants @ Chicago Cubs
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby''s father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid''s mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you''ve just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they''re not the soul mates they''d hoped they might be. With Alison''s harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they''ve got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Definitely, Maybe
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will''s story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the ''ins'' and ''outs'' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will''s college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad''s romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it''s definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
TV-14
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Frame Toby
Michael tries to frame Toby after he discovers he's back working in the office. Someone makes a big mess in the microwave at the office and won't clean it up. Jim buys his parents' house.
TV-PG
 

Monday, August 10

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Sex Toy Story
When Jennifer and Audrey throw a "girls only" sex party, Jeff quickly gets insecure when he finds a "product" Audrey may have purchased. Meanwhile, Russell decides to ditch the single life for a moment when he overhears from an attractive woman that she has a preference for married men.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Flirting
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Repercussions
When Jimmy, the Bundy's relative, learns that his new bride slept with someone the day of their wedding, his temper explodes and a guilty Bud runs for cover.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Proposition, The
Coco, a cosmetic millionairess and former girlfriend of Al's, makes a truly indecent proposal by offering Peggy $500,000 for one night of passion with Al.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket?, A
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Hood 'n the Boyz
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Proud to Be Your Bud?
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Luck of the Bundys
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Richie's Song
Doug learns Richie's wife is cheating on him.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Cello, Goodbye
Doug fears Carrie's new job is coming between them.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Paternal Affairs
Arthur dates Doug's favorite, recently divorced aunt.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Rock, The
Doug belatedly learns Carrie's engagement ring is valuable.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Yemen Party
After dressing as a Muslim woman to infiltrate Donna's women's support group, Cleveland gets a taste of his own medicine when he travels to Yemen to perform housework for a sheik; Rallo uses Junior as an avatar to confront a playground bully.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Scents and Sensei-bility
Steve and Snot are fed up with being bullied. When they enroll in a karate class, Snot is brainwashed by the sensei and it's Steve's mission to get him back. Meanwhile, Klaus develops a horrible odor and is forced to be an outside pet.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Big Stan on Campus
When the CIA is forced to make cutbacks and go on furlough, Stan volunteers to take a position as a College Campus Security Guard. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bed and breakfast in order to boost the family's income.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Now and Gwen
When Francine's sister Gwen comes to town, Hayley suspects she is up to no good. Meanwhile, Stan teaches Steve the art of hugging Aunt Gwen and Klaus shadows Roger's dramatic comments.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
When Stan wishes he could have Principal Lewis' carefree, single life, his wish comes true! Meanwhile, in his wish world, Principal Lewis has Stan's family.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chitty Chitty Death Bang
It's Stewie's first birthday, but Meg is at a party that is really a cult meeting.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits, The
Rachel convinces her sister (Christina Applegate) to baby-sit over Ross' protests; Joey writes a letter to an adoption agency on Monica and Chandler's behalf.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mind Over Murder
Peter is under house arrest after punching a pregnant woman he thought was a man.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hero Sits Next Door, A
Peter, jealous of the new neighbors, foils a bank robbery for attention.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
American Dad
Bar Mitzvah Shuffle
When snobby rich kid Etan steals Steve's girlfriend Debbie, Steve concocts a scheme to get revenge. Aided by Roger, Toshi, and Barry, Steve plots to rob Etan's Bar Mitzvah and get back his girlfriend. But when the plan goes awry and Snot takes the blame, Steve must decide whether to tell the truth and clear Snot's name or remain silent and get back Debbie. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine pitch an idea to a cell phone company.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Wife Insurance
Stan reveals to Francine that, in the case she should die, he has a backup wife. Enraged with Stan, Francine takes Jim, one of Stan's CIA buddies, as her backup husband. Jealous, Stan breaks it off with his backup and tells Jim to break it off with Francine. However, Jim confesses that he is in love with Francine and attempts to kill Stan. Now Stan must stop Jim from killing him and taking Francine. Meanwhile Wheels and the Legman (Steve and Roger's detective personae) are on the case trying to find Hayley's lost iPod Shuffle.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Resurgence, The
Leonard and Sheldon hire Professor Proton (guest star BOB NEWHART), the host of their favorite childhood TV show to perform. Raj leaves his dog with Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Spell Potential, The
When the girls' trip to Vegas falls through, the guys invite them to a Dungeons & Dragons date night that causes Sheldon and Amy's relationship to take an unexpected turn.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5767
Guests: Matt LeBlanc, Jessica St. Clair, Hot Chip
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Surplus, The
With a $4,300 surplus to spend, the workers fight amongst themselves in order to get what they want. Andy and Angela go to Schrute Farms to work on wedding plans.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5767
Guests: Matt LeBlanc, Jessica St. Clair, Hot Chip
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
All the Wrong Reasons
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Time Traveler's Wife, The
Clare has been in love with Henry her entire life. She believes they are destined to be together, even though she never knows when they will be separated: Henry is a time traveler--cursed with a rare genetic anomaly that causes him to live his life on a shifting timeline, skipping back and forth through his lifespan with no control. Despite the fact that Henry''s travels force them apart with no warning, Clare desperately tries to build a life with her one true love.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2407
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2408
TV-G
 

Tuesday, August 11

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Snoozin' for a Bruisin'
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Atlantic City
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Banking on Marcy
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
No Chicken, No Check
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Take My Wife, Please
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Scared Single
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
NO MA'AM
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Dances with Weezy
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Road Rayge
Doug cheats on a driver's test and loses his license.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Educating Doug
Doug takes an English lit class to please Carrie.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Supermarket Story
Carrie's plan for a simple Thanksgiving falls apart when she shops for food.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fixer Upper
Doug doesn't want Carrie to play matchmaker for Spence.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Sex and the Biddy
Rallo discovers that Murray's girlfriend is trying to scam Murray out of his savings; Cleveland wears a man-girdle to make it seem as if he's lost weight.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
LGBSteve
Hayley is dying to be on a roller derby team, but they will only let her play if her "sister" Steve will play too. Meanwhile, a magical carpenter visits Stan and Francine and Roger runs the roller rink.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Morning Mimosa
When Steve insults Francine, she refuses to cook for him and he becomes a successful internet chef, appearing on a popular morning show. Meanwhile, Stan thinks he can make people invisible by snapping his fingers. Steve becomes an internet sensation called the "Orphan Chef." His success lands him a spot on "Morning Mimosa," Francine's favorite morning show. Meanwhile, Stan is arrested for his insane behavior. Meanwhile, Stan thinks he can make people disappear by snapping his fingers and saying "Gone."
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
My Affair Lady
Hayley gets a job and starts to fall for a co-worker. Meanwhile, Stan chauffers Steve and Francine to a Mother-Son dance. Hayley is broke and gets an office job where she meets a cute co-worker named Ax. Klaus and Roger encourage her to have sex with Ax on an office retreat. Hayley is all for it until she finds out Ax is a married man. Hayley backs out when she sees he has a tattoo of Roger. Back at home, Stan steals Francine from Steve at the school dance and tries to make it up to him by letting them dance at home.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Star Is Reborn, A
While on vacation in Los Angeles, Stan joins the world of old Hollywood.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy
Son Also Draws, The
Lois loses $20,000 gambling at the Indian casino.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part I)
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part 2)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part I)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part 2)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bon Voyage Reaction, The
On the sixth season finale, Sheldon and Penny are thrown for a loop when Leonard is offered an exciting new job opportunity overseas.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hofstadter Insufficiency, The
In the Season 7 premiere, Leonard is away at sea, so Sheldon & Penny spend some time together and spill some revealing secrets. Meanwhile, Howard comes to Raj's aid after his breakup with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Deception Verification, The
Leonard returns from the North Sea expedition and finds things chilly between him and Sheldon, while Howard's relationship with his mother opens the door to questions about his masculinity.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Scavenger Vortex, The
Raj puts together a scavenger hunt that turns into serious, cutthroat competition among the gang.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Clipped
Free Wednesday
The gang remembers an embarrassing story of Ben after a high school teacher comes by the barbershop for a haircut. Joy waits for a sign about her marriage.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Raiders Minimization, The
Sheldon is fit to be tied when Amy ruins one of his favorite adventure films, while Leonard finds the key to getting Penny to do his bidding, and Raj & Stuart get creative with their online-dating profiles.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5768
Guests: Ice Cube and O'Shea Jackson, Jr., Adam Pally, Alabama Shakes
TV-14
12:00 am
Clipped
Free Wednesday
The gang remembers an embarrassing story of Ben after a high school teacher comes by the barbershop for a haircut. Joy waits for a sign about her marriage.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5768
Guests: Ice Cube and O'Shea Jackson, Jr., Adam Pally, Alabama Shakes
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
When a Kid Goes Bad
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Crazy, Stupid, Love
At fortysomething, straight-laced Cal Weaver is living the dream - good job, nice house, great kids and marriage to his high school sweetheart. But when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his "perfect" life quickly unravels. Worse, in today''s single world, Cal, who hasn''t dated in decades, stands out as the epitome of un-smooth. Now spending his free evenings sulking alone at a local bar, the hapless Cal is taken on as wingman and protege to handsome, thirtysomething player Jacob Palmer. In an effort to help Cal get over his wife and start living his life, Jacob opens Cal''s eyes to the many options before him: flirty women, manly drinks and a sense of style that can''t be found at Supercuts or The Gap. Cal and Emily aren''t the only ones looking for love in what might be all the wrong places: Cal''s 13-year-old son, Robbie, is crazy about his 17-year-old babysitter, Jessica, who harbors a crush on Cal. And despite Cal''s makeover and his many new conquests, the one thing that can''t be made over is his heart, which seems to keep leading him back to where he began.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2409
TV-G
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Moroccan Christmas
Phyllis blackmails Angela into doing the work for the Christmas party, which Michael turns into an intervention after Meredith gets drunk and sets her hair on fire. Meanwhile, Dwight corners the market on a popular Christmas gift.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, August 12

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Ghost Story
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Four Pillars, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Change for a Buck
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Little off the Top, A
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Worst Noel, The
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Crappy Birthday
Doug forgets Carrie's 30th birthday.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Noel Cowards
Arthur's Christmas gift drives Doug and Carrie crazy.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Best Man
Doug discovers Carrie's shocking secret at a wedding.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dog Days
A barking dog keeps the Heffernans up all night.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Die Semi-Hard
As Christmas approaches, Cleveland tells the family his version of the original "Die Hard."
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour
Francine is up for an award for her lonely housewife novel, so the family heads to New York for the ceremony. Meanwhile, Stan and Hayley hang out with actor Robert Wuhl, and Steve and Roger recreate their Wheels and the Legman personas.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Shrink, The
Stan is horrified when he sees a couple die in a car crash, and he goes to see a shrink. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus study for a wine tasting.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Holy S***, Jeff's Back!
Jeff returns from space...Or does he Meanwhile, Steve watches after Snot's hamster.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
American Fung
"American Dad" is sold to a Chinese businessman. Meanwhile, Stan has Francine committed to an insane asylum when he forgets their anniversary.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian: Portrait of a Dog
Brian decides to stand up for his rights when Peter enters him in a dog show.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 2), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Secret Code, The
George conceals his ATM code from fiancee Susan; guest John O'Hurley.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Sponge, The
Elaine considers intimacy with her new boyfriend (Scott Patterson).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Gum, The
Kramer complicates Jerry's quest to locate a special brand of Chinese gum.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Workplace Proximity, The
Amy takes a job at Sheldon's university, putting their relationship to the test.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Romance Resonance, The
Sheldon makes a major scientific breakthrough, but he feels it may haunt him for the rest of career. Meanwhile, Howard makes a grand romantic gesture to Bernadette, which causes Penny to put more effort into her relationship with Leonard.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Displacement, The
When Sheldon's childhood hero, Professor Proton (Bob Newhart), seeks Leonard's help with an experiment, the slighted Sheldon goes nuclear and decides to get revenge by befriending another TV science guy, Bill Nye.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Itchy Brain Simulation, The
Leonard fails to stop Sheldon from overreacting after a past slight comes to light, and as punishment Leonard must walk a mile in Sheldon's shoes. Meanwhile, Penny has a run-in with Raj's former girlfriend Lucy.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thanksgiving Decoupling, The
Howard's mother has a say when he and Bernadette host Thanksgiving dinner for the gang.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Discovery Dissipation, The
When Sheldon's accidental scientific discovery is disproved, Amy and Leonard try to help him deal with the shame and the disappointment. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette open their home to Raj for a week.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5769
Guests: Jason Segel, Ruby Rose, Jason Isbell
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Duel, The
Thanks to Michael's big mouth, Andy finally learns that his beloved Angela had an affair with Dwight, a discovery that incites the two romantic rivals to square off. Elsewhere, Michael is on edge about a corporate appointment with bigwig Wallace.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5769
Guests: Jason Segel, Ruby Rose, Jason Isbell
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
What Are You Doin' in My Life?
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
She's the Man
It''s hard enough being the nerdy new guy on campus without also being the new girl on campus, who has fallen for the coolest guy on campus, who is totally obsessed with the most beautiful girl on campus, who is "crushing" on the nerdy new guy on campus. Viola Johnson had her own good reasons for disguising herself as her twin brother Sebastian and enrolling in his place at his new boarding school, Illyria Prep. She was counting on Sebastian being AWOL from school, while he tried to break into the music scene in London. What she didn''t count on was falling in love with her hot roommate, Duke, who in turn only has eyes for the beautiful Olivia. Making matters worse, Olivia is starting to fall for Sebastian, who--for reasons Olivia couldn''t begin to guess--appears to be the sensitive type of guy she''d always dreamed of meeting. If things weren''t complicated enough, the real Sebastian has come back from London two days earlier than expected and arrives on campus having no clue that he''s been replaced--by his own twin sister.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2410
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2411
TV-G
 

Thursday, August 13

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
3rd Wheel
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Indian Giver
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hungry Man
Doug embarrasses Carrie at her boss' cocktail party.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Court Date
Doug hatches a scheme after Carrie gets a traffic ticket.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
S'ain't Valentine's
Arthur meets an intoxicating woman (Anne Meara) at a St. Valentine's Day dance.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
White Collar
A new promotion makes Doug miserable.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Y Tu Junior Tambien
Junior marries a beautiful Mexican woman to prevent her deportation from the United States.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Seizures Suit Stanny
When Stan lies about his texting and driving accident, he takes a seizure medication and suffers from the side effects. Meanwhile, Roger helps Steve with his performance anxiety.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Knows Best
When Stan's military discipline becomes too strict for the liberal Hayley, she runs off with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Steve claims Roger as his burn-scarred sister in a valiant effort to get some boob.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Peter Caviar Eater
Lois' aunt dies and leaves her mansion to the Griffins.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Sandwich, The
Joey becomes exasperated from hiding Chandler and Monica's secret. Ross gets in trouble when he expresses his rage.
TV-14
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Work Laugh, The
Chandler's behavior toward his boss annoys Monica. Ross' latest romance astounds everyone.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Bag, The
Phoebe meets another long-lost relative. Joey wears a shoulder bag. Series star LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Everybody Finds Out, The
Chandler and Monica's relationship becomes less of a secret. Ross must prove to his boss that he's sane in order to return to work.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Rye, The
George's and Susan's parents have dinner together for the first time.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Caddy, The
Kramer befriends a caddy (Armin Shimerman) who helps him improve his golf game.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac, The (Part 1)
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac, The (Part 2)
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Friar's Club, The
Jerry tries to join the Friars Club; a new co-worker causes more work for Elaine.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Calzone, The
George becomes his boss's pet when he shares a delicious calzone with him.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Holy Crap
Peter invites his religious father to live with the family.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Da Boom
Paranoid about Y2K, Peter herds the family into the basement for protection.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper Extraction, The
With Sheldon in Texas, the gang gathers to decorate for Christmas, and they contemplate if each would have had a wonderful life had they never met him.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hesitation Ramification, The
Penny turns to Leonard for comfort after her guest appearance on NCIS does not turn out well. She ends up putting Leonard on the spot regarding their relationship. Sheldon works on his sense of humor and Raj practices talking to girls.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Occupation Recalibration, The
There's impactful news on the work front as Penny makes a big step toward pursuing a full-time acting career, and Sheldon is forced to take a vacation.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convention Conundrum, The
Unable to score tickets for Comic-Con, Sheldon decides to stage his own comic-book convention, while the ladies attempt to act like "grown ups".
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5770
Guests: Kevin Bacon, John H. Sununu, Maggie Maye
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Prince Family Paper
Michael and Dwight spy on a rival paper company. The rest of the office debates whether or not Hilary Swank is hot.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5770
Guests: Kevin Bacon, John H. Sununu, Maggie Maye
TV-14
1:30 am
America's Next Weatherman
Into the Storm
12 wanna-be weathercasters and meteorologists compete in hilarious challenges to win $100,000, an agent and an appearance forecasting the weather on CNN's New Day.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Our Family Wedding
"Our marriage, their wedding." It''s lesson number one for any newly engaged couple, and Lucia and Marcus are no exception. They learn the hard way that the path to saying "I do" can be rife with familial strife. When they return from college and too suddenly announce their marriage plans, they soon discover that their fathers - two highly competitive over-the-top egos - can wreak a major amount of havoc on their special day. With insults flying and tempers running high, it''s anyone''s guess if the alpha dads will survive to make it down the aisle in one piece. Lucia''s mother is busy planning the wedding of "her" dreams and the only levelheaded one in the bunch is Angela, the groom''s father''s best friend and lawyer, who manages to keep her cool when the madness reaches a crescendo. With only weeks to plan their wedding, Lucia and Marcus soon discover the true meaning of love and find there is truth to the saying - that when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2412
TV-G
5:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Stress Relief Part 1
When Dwight's unannounced fire-safety drill gives Stanley a heart attack, Michael decides the office needs help with stress relief. While watching a bootleg movie, Andy believes Jim and Pam are film gurus from hearing them discuss her parents' faltering marriage.
TV-PG
 

Friday, August 14

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Free Free Time
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Score, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
TV-PG
10:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Rayney Day
Doug plays golf in the rain; guest Ray Romano.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Train Wreck
Doug is disappointed when his beautiful young trainee doesn't make Carrie jealous.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Where's Poppa
Hit by a foul ball, Doug ends up at Dr. Becker's and makes a friend (Bill Cosby).
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
There Goes El Neighborhood
Cleveland and Choni attempt to learn about each other's culture; Cleveland Jr. sets Cecilia up on a date with Tyler.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Francine's Flashback
After a forgotten anniversary leads Stan to submit Francine for memory erasure at the CIA, she reverts twenty years back instead of twenty minutes, becoming once again the wild child she used to be.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Rodger Codger
Roger runs away after he and Stan have an argument. Once the CIA finds out, they organize a search team in order to find him and bring him in for questioning. So now Stan must either kill Roger or choose friendship over his career.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Homeland Insecurity
When a new set of Iranian neighbors sends Stan off in a whirl of suspicion that leads to the destruction of Francine's block party, he must find a way to conquer the foreign threat and make it up to her at the same time.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Steve is falling in love with Chuck's daughter, Betsy.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian In Love
A therapist tells Brian his carpet-wetting is the result of his repressed feelings for Lois.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl Who Hits Joey, The
Chandler thinks Monica wants more from their relationship. Ross fails to impress his new neighbors.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cop, The
Joey wonders if he is in love with Monica. Phoebe impersonates a police officer.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss, The
Rachel interviews for a great job--but she may get it for the wrong reason. Monica competes to have a better relationship than Phoebe's.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Cookies, The
Monica desperately tries to figure out a secret cookie recipe. Chandler fails to impress Monica's father.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit, The (Part 1)
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit, The (Part 2)
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wait Out, The
Jerry and Elaine anticipate dating soon-to-be-single friends (Cary Elwes, Debra Messing).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soul Mate, The
George suspects the foundation attorney believes he murdered Susan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bizzaro Jerry, The
Elaine's soon-to-be former beau has two friends who resemble George and Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Love Thy Trophy
The Griffins and their neighbors build a festival float; waitress Meg schemes to get bigger tips.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death is a Bitch
Death pays Peter a visit when he claims "deceased" on insurance forms.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Clipped
Free Wednesday
The gang remembers an embarrassing story of Ben after a high school teacher comes by the barbershop for a haircut. Joy waits for a sign about her marriage.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Counting on You
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Turn This Car Around
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Everything Man
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Change-Up, The
Growing up together, Mitch and Dave were inseparable best friends, but as the years have passed they''ve slowly drifted apart. While Dave is an overworked lawyer, husband and father of three, Mitch has remained a single, quasi-employed man-child who has never met a responsibility he liked. To Mitch, Dave has it all: beautiful wife Jamie, kids who adore him and a high-paying job at a prestigious law firm. To Dave, living Mitch''s stress free life without obligation or consequence would be a dream come true. Following a drunken night out together, Mitch and Dave''s worlds are turned upside down when they wake up in each other''s bodies and proceed to freak out. Despite the freedom from their normal routines and habits, the guys soon discover that each other''s lives are nowhere near as rosy as they once seemed. Further complicating matters are Dave''s sexy legal associate, Sabrina, and Mitch''s estranged father. With time not on their side, Mitch and Dave struggle to avoid completely destroying each other''s lives before they can find a way to get their old ones back.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2413
TV-G