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SCHEDULE: January 2017

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Friday, January 20

6:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and tell it to the judge.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous husband shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Emotional Rollrcoaster
Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Four Play
Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hartford Whaler
Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Acting Out
Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Like a Boss
Cleveland attempts to sabotage Tim after he gets a promotion at Waterman Cable; Rallo tricks Junior into thinking his pet turtle talks.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Short Story and a Tall Tale, A
Rallo incurs a diminutive mobster's wrath after reneging on a promise to marry the mobster's sister.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Ward Show, A
After he's appointed Steve's legal guardian, Roger has Principal Lewis fired for letting Steve break the school's rules; Stan and Fran vacation at a waterpark.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Worst Stan, The
Stan arranges for Principal Lewis to marry Superintendent Riggs so he can finally be a best man at a wedding; Roger's new shorts attract the interest of Ricky Martin.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Virtual In-Stanity
Stan uses an avatar of a hot girl to bond with Steve; Roger plots a violent end for frat brothers who stiffed him out of $20 for a limousine ride.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Scarlett Getter, The
Francine is disgusted when Stan reestablishes contact with a crush from CIA boot camp; Bullock hires a bounty hunter to capture Roger; Steve wears Hayley's panties after concluding they bring him luck.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Thanksgiving IV
With winter coming and everyone still single, Schmidt initiates a "Bangs-giving" themed Thanksgiving dinner party, to which everyone must bring someone compatible for someone else. Everyone is on board, including Jess, who desperately needs someone to take her mind off of Ryan, but fate has something else in mind.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Girl Fight
A girl fight breaks out between Jess and Cece, and Schmidt immediately has second thoughts about trying to figure out what it's all about. Meanwhile, Nick dates Tran's granddaughter, and Winston is convinced she is keeping a secret from them.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Nap Partners, The
Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honor, but Monica doesn't want to make the decision. Chandler tries to apologize to a girlfriend from his youth.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Library Book, The
Chandler's former girlfriend (MAGGIE WHEELER) manipulates Chandler and Monica. Rachel and Phoebe meddle in Joey's relationship. KRISTIN DAVIS also guest stars.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Fire, The
A kitchen fire makes George confront his cowardliness; guests Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats Part 1, The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Raincoats Part 2, The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Opposite, The
George learns success lies in doing the opposite of what he would normally do; guests Dedee Pfeiffer, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford; French Stewart.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Disciplinarian, The
Debra convinces Ray to take his turn at disciplining the twins.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Sweet Charity
Ray relishes his volunteer work at the hospital because patients treat him like a celebrity.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, January 21

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Meeting the Parents
Amy's ultraconservative parents (Fred Willard, Georgia Engel) catch Robert in a compromising position.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Old Dogs
Two best friends, one unlucky-in-love divorcee and the other a fun-loving bachelor, have their lives turned upside down when they're unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins while on the verge of the biggest business deal of their lives. The not-so-kid-savvy bachelors stumble in their efforts to take care of the twins, leading to one debacle after another, and perhaps to a new-found understanding of what's really important in life.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie (DVS)
40-Year-Old Virgin, The
Forty-year-old Andy Stitzer has done quite a few things in his life. He's got a cushy job stamping invoices at an electronics superstore, a nice apartment with a proud collection of action figures and comic books, good friends, a nice attitude. But there's just one little thing he hasn't quite gotten around to doing yet--something most people have done by this age. Done a lot. Andy's never, ever, ever had sex--not even by accident. So is that such a big deal? Well, for Andy's buddies at the store, it sure is. Although they think he's a bit of an oddball, there's certainly a planetful of stranger (and homelier) guys who've at least had one go at having a go. They consider it their duty to help Andy out of his dire situation and go to great lengths to help him. But nothing proves effective enough to lure their friend out of lifelong chastity until he meets Trish, a 40-year-old mother of three. Andy's friends are psyched by the possibility that "it" may finally happen--until they hear that Andy and Trish have begun their relationship based on a mutual no-sex policy.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Hidden Stash
Max joins Caroline on her visit to a white-collar prison to see her father, Martin Channing, and he encourages them to purchase a particular keepsake at the Channing estate auction.
TV-14
7:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pearl Necklace
When Max and Caroline met Martha Stewart at a gala event and gave her one of their cupcakes to taste, they were thrilled to get a positive response! Now, Max and Caroline attempt to keep the faith that Martha Stewart will call and help support their cupcake business. Meanwhile, Caroline loses a lucky keepsake.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Focus Attenuation, The
Amy and Bernadette accuse former party girl Penny of becoming a party pooper when she lets an email from work impact their girls' weekend in Las Vegas. Meanwhile, the guys brainstorm about inventing something cool.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Expedition Approximation, The
Sheldon and Raj undertake an underground research expedition that turns into a test of how long before they get under each other's skin. Meanwhile, Leonard and Penny argue about money.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Misinterpretation Agitation
Amy and Bernadette organize a prom to be held atop the guys' apartment complex, but Sheldon is leery of all the prom pomp, circumstance and romancing that goes with it.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prom Equivalency, The
Penny's flirtatious sales pitch leaves a doctor-client smitten and the guys must pitch in to help her deal with him, while, Bernadette and Amy debate whether female scientists ought to play the sexuality card.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Septum Deviation, The
Leonard needs surgery for a deviated septum, and Sheldon gets his nose out of joint because he feels an operation is too dangerous and that his roommate may not make it out alive.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Champagne Reflection, The
It's a banner day for Sheldon as he bids a sad farewell to his Fun With Flags podcast. Meanwhile, Leonard, Howard and Raj probe a late professor's research in search of some hidden significance.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
January 18, 2017
Sam interviews Masha Gessen to learn how to survive an autocracy.or at least how to drink our way though one.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie
Cable Guy, The
It's a time-honored urban ritual: Slip the cable guy fifty bucks and you'll get all the movie channels for free. But when Steven Kovacs moves into a new apartment, his cable guy is not like the others. He doesn't want your fifty bucks; all he wants is a friend and he won't take no for an answer. Steven is about to learn that there's no such thing as free cable.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Old Dogs
Two best friends, one unlucky-in-love divorcee and the other a fun-loving bachelor, have their lives turned upside down when they're unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins while on the verge of the biggest business deal of their lives. The not-so-kid-savvy bachelors stumble in their efforts to take care of the twins, leading to one debacle after another, and perhaps to a new-found understanding of what's really important in life.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Plan, The
Ray convinces Robert to botch the wedding invitations to get out of helping with the wedding plans.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, January 22

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Award, The
Joey overreacts at a daytime drama awards show. Daytime drama actresses McKENZIE WESTMORE and ALISON SWEENEY guest star.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Network Television Premiere
Horrible Bosses 2
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and without legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Cable Guy, The
It's a time-honored urban ritual: Slip the cable guy fifty bucks and you'll get all the movie channels for free. But when Steven Kovacs moves into a new apartment, his cable guy is not like the others. He doesn't want your fifty bucks; all he wants is a friend and he won't take no for an answer. Steven is about to learn that there's no such thing as free cable.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the naïve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family''s political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam''s reelection.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Interview, The
Dave Skylark and producer Aaron Rapoport run the celebrity tabloid show "Skylark Tonight." When they land an interview with a surprise fan, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, they are recruited by the CIA to turn their trip to Pyongyang into an assassination mission.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Ricky Bobby has always dreamed of driving fast--real fast--like his father, Reese Bobby, who left the family to pursue his racing dreams. Early on, Ricky''s mother, Lucy Bobby worried that her boy was also destined to end up as a professional daredevil on wheels. Ricky enters the racing arena as a "jackman" for slovenly driver Terry Cheveaux and accidentally gets his big break behind the wheel when Cheveaux makes an unscheduled pit stop during a race to gorge on a chicken sandwich. Ricky jumps into the car and so begins the ballad of Ricky Bobby. Ricky quickly becomes one of NASCAR''s top stars, supported by his pit boys--the impressively large crew chief Lucius Washington, a trio of lovably moronic but loyal crew members, Herschell, Kyle and Glenn, as well as racing partner and boyhood best friend, Cal Naughton, Jr. They are all part of the Dennit Racing team, headed by wealthy Dennit Senior and his petulant son, Dennit Junior, whose jealousy of Ricky Bobby increases with every victory. In a short time, Ricky Bobby is on top of the world. He has everything a championship NASCAR driver could ever want--a gorgeous wife, Carley, a lakeside mansion, two hell-raising sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, huge sponsor endorsements and a string of victories from Daytona to Darlington. Ricky Bobby''s "win at all costs" approach had made him a natural hero. But after a frightening crash sends Ricky Bobby to the hospital, he loses his nerve and falls on hard times. When his career and his wife are taken over by his friend Cal, Ricky Bobby turns his back on racing and takes his sons back to his small hometown to live with his mother. But Ricky just isn''t cut for the slow life away from the race track and soon hits rock bottom. His mother reluctantly turns to the only person she can think of to help her son--his estranged father Reese Bobby. Ricky Bobby will do anything to find a way back to the top, no matter how many speed bumps life throws his way.
TV-14
12:45 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
San Diego's top television news anchor faces unexpected competition from a woman.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Sleepover at Peggy's
Ray fears his cookie rival is flirting with him when he drops Ally off for a sleepover.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Who's Next?
Ray seems pleased that Debra has chosen Linda to replace her if she dies.
TV-PG
 

Monday, January 23

6:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school, at Al's expense, and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his close encounter.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fight Schlub
Doug plots revenge after learning that his friendship with a driver from a rival service was nothing more than a con.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Vows, The
As Monica and Chandler prepare their wedding vows, they and their friends reminisce. The episode features numerous clips from previous shows.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Dad, The
Chandler confronts his estranged cross-dressing father (KATHLEEN TURNER). Rachel gets into trouble driving Monica's Porsche. ALEXIS ARQUETTE guest stars.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Terry Unmarried
When Donna reveals she never finalized her divorce, Cleveland decides to live the life of a bachelor and go drinking with his friends...only to discover that Terry Kimple is gay.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Blue and the Gray and the Brown, The
Cleveland and his friends attempt to change the outcome of the Civil War after Cleveland is tricked into preserving a statue of the city's founding father, a slaveholder.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Season's Beatings
When a play about the life of Jesus Christ turns into a brutal battle between Stan and Roger, Stan is excommunicated from the Christian church; Hayley and Jeff adopt an infant son whom Stan believes is the Antichrist.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Unbrave One, The
With Roger's help, Steve dresses up as a superhero to prove his bravery to his father; when Stan discovers that Fran may be pregnant, he hopes the infant will turn out to be the brave child he never had.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stanny Tendergrass
Hoping to show Steve the value of hard work, Stan gets Steve a job at a country club; Francine struggles to come up with her own catchphrase.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Wheels & the Legman and the Case of Grandpa's Key
Stan joins Wheels and the Legman as they attempt to solve a mystery involving a key; Klaus has his photo taken for a pet website.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Friends with Burger-Fits
Bob becomes Teddy's workout buddy after finding out his burgers contributed to Teddy's bad health. The two enroll in a stuntman boot camp where their friendship is put to the test. Meanwhile, the kids make an ice rink in the freezer with Linda running their underground ice-wrestling league.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Dawn of the Peck
While Bob is boycotting the holiday, Linda and the kids spend Thanksgiving at the first annual Fischoeder Turk-tacular Turkey Town Festival. However, a wild bird attack leads to total mayhem.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Best Burger
Bob enters a burger-tasting contest, only to discover that his most distinguishing ingredient is missing! To help out their dad, the kids go on a mission to find the ever-so-important black garlic.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Father of the Bob
At Bob's father's Christmas party, Bob and "Big Bob" rehash an old argument and try to outdo each other in the kitchen. Meanwhile, the kids compete to find the best gift for their dad.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Tina Tailor Soldier Spy
Tina goes undercover in her old Thundergirls troop to find the mole who is giving away their cookie secrets. Meanwhile, tired of the kids counting her gray hairs, Linda decides to go blonde. But when she starts making dumb mistakes at work, Bob worries that being blonde has gone to her head!
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Guy Viewer Mail #2
Three skits: the British program that Family Guy is based on, everybody Peter touches turns into Robin Williams, and a look at the day through Stewie's eyes.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Internal Affairs
Peter talks Joe into having an affair and gets into another epic fight with the giant chicken.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Into Fat Air
When the successful family of Lois' ex-boyfriend, Ross Fishman, mentions that they're all climbing Mount Everest, Peter announces that the Griffins are climbing it too...and will beat the Fishmans to the top. But the Griffins are woefully unprepared for the trip.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ratings Guy
The Griffins are chosen to be a Neilsen family, and Peter takes advantage of the chance to reformat TV to his taste - except that everyone else hates his changes.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Old Man and the Big C
Brian overhears a doctor telling Carter that Carter has only two weeks to live, but when Lois frantically checks on her father he's mysteriously healthy - and Brian wants to know why.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Yug Ylimaf
Brian discovers that he can use Stewie's time machine to pick up girls, but when he tries to cover his tracks he accidentally reverses the flow of time.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Joe's Revenge
Joe, Peter and Quagmire set out to capture the criminal who caused Joe's paralysis; Brian grows jealous of Quagmire's cat.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lois Comes Out of Her Shell
After celebrating another birthday, Lois adopts a younger look and lifestyle - much to Peter's chagrin; a vengeful turtle targets the Griffins.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Old Stan in the Mountain
An old man places a hex on Stan, making him age at an alarming rate; Roger and Francine rehearse for a dance competition...but Roger has something up his sleeve.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Wrestler, The
Stan panics when Barry comes close to toppling his longstanding wrestling record at Steve's school.and ends up teaching Roger how to wrestle so he can defeat Barry.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
As Christmas approaches...Peter tells the story of the Nativity, with friends and family members appearing as biblical characters.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends Without Benefits
Meg discovers that a boy she has a crush on is gay - and that has his eye on Chris.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Turban Cowboy
After befriending a Muslim man, Peter becomes interested in Islamic culture - only to become unwittingly involved in a terrorist plot to blow up a Quahog bridge.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7983
Guests: Howie Mandel, Daniel Sloss
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Hold-Up
Max and Caroline show their true colors when the diner gets robbed. Meanwhile, everyone sees a surprising new side of Han.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7983
Guests: Howie Mandel, Daniel Sloss
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Hamptons, The
Jerry's girlfriend sees George naked during a weekend at the beach.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''''s wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
LAXmas
As the gang prepares to depart for the holidays, they quickly find they may be home alone when they are all trapped at the airport due to a storm. The longer their flights are delayed the more they begin to question their holiday plans especially Jess, who is flying to England to meet Ryan's parents, and Coach, who is ditching his family in favor of a Hawaiian vacation.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Shark
After Winston graduates from the Police Academy, Nick and Coach worry about his safety especially when they meet his petite training officer. Meanwhile, Jess uses Schmidt to try and influence a councilwoman to stop the night construction taking place outside the loft.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Peg and Al must decide whether to give their last hundred dollars to Bud, who's been selected a top teen and invited to go to the White House and meet the President, or to Kelly, who has a chance to become Miss Weenie Tot and win a year's supply of Al's favorite treat.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, January 24

6:00 am
Married With Children
And Baby Makes Money
Al discovers new-found passion when he learns that he and Peggy stand to inherit a fortune by producing another Bundy baby.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Who
When Marcy wakes up to discover a man in her bed and a wedding ring on her finger, she gives Peggy and Al the cash to throw her a lavish wedding but giving Marcy the party of her dreams is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Look Who's Barking
Buck the Dog, fed up with being neglected by the Bundys, decides to leave home and venture out into the world, where he meets a canine femme fatale.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Godfather, The
Al entertains notions of greatness when he discovers that Kelly's new boyfriend is an influential city politician.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Man's Castle, A
When Peg enrolls in an interior design course, she chooses the Bundy home as her first project but Al's in an uproar when she sets her sights on his sacred domain, the bathroom.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
All Night Security Dude
When the shoe store temporarily gives Al the boot, he takes a job as Polk High's night security guard but when his prized football trophy is stolen, he comes face to face with his high school rival, Spare Tire Dixon, who wants to even the score.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Way the Cookie Crumbles, The
Cleveland and his friends target a con man who scammed Cookie and Freight Train out of their life savings; Rallo uses a toy microphone to give his vocal skills a workout.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
To Live and Die in VA
Lester grows suicidal after losing his life savings in Cleveland's beer truck business; Rallo opens his own barbershop.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Dr. Klaustus
After tricking Roger into going to Iraq, Klaus assumes the role of the Smiths' psychologist, but his emphasis on emotional honesty backfires.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Stan's Best Friend
When Steve's new puppy is gravely injured, Stan attempts to save the dog using a doctor who specializes in alternative medicine.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Less Money, Mo' Problems
Stan bets Jeff and Hayley that he and Fran can live on minimum wage for one month; Roger and Steve test-drive a Ferrari after Klaus brags about having driven one.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Kidney Stays in the Picture, The
When Hayley experiences kidney failure, Stan and Fran travel into the past to find the man who may be Hayley's real father.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Space Cadet
After Chris enrolls in a NASA space camp, Stewie accidentally launches the Griffins into outer space.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Play
Brian's dreams come true when he writes a play and it's a hit...but his happiness evaporates when Stewie writes a better play in one night.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Coming Out
Jess struggles not to show favoritism to Ryan now that they no longer need to hide their relationship, which leads to a disastrous class field trip. Meanwhile, Schmidt gets an ulcer but refuses to take time off work, forcing Nick to step in. And Winston becomes obsessed with the perceived powers of a crystal necklace he was given by his fellow officers.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Swuit
When the prototype for their new business venture - the "swuit," a suit made of sweatshirt material doesn't turn out as planned, Jess helps Schmidt and Nick brainstorm a new idea to pitch to famed QVC entrepreneur Lori Greiner. Meanwhile, Winston and Coach decide they will invest in Cece's future.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Monica & Chandler's Wedding Part 1, The
On the eve of the wedding, Ross searches for missing Chandler, who has doubts, while the girls distract unsuspecting Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Monica & Chandler's Wedding Part 2, The
Monica remains blissfully unaware of the potential disasters on her wedding day. ELLIOTT GOULD, CHRISTINA PICKLES, MORGAN FAIRCHILD, GARY OLDMAN and KATHLEEN TURNER guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After "I Do", The
The reception following Monica and Chandler's wedding is almost upstaged by the news that a member of the group might be pregnant.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Red Sweater, The
Rachel debates whether she should break the news to her baby's father.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot
A woman's impending visit excites Jerry, until he learns she's getting married.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Male Unbonding
Jerry finds ending a friendship harder than ending a romance.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stakeout, The
Jerry woos an ex-girlfriend's friend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Robbery, The
Jerry's decision to move sets off a chain of events.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Clean Room Infiltration, The
On Christmas Eve, Amy plans a traditional Victorian dinner, while Raj, Leonard and Howard scramble to remove a pigeon that flew into the clean room at the university.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Space Probe Disintegration, The
While Raj eagerly awaits data from a space probe in which he was involved, Howard keeps distracting him. Later, dress shopping with Penny and Amy doesn't exactly prove to be a good fit for Leonard and Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Anxiety Optimization, The
Sheldon becomes concerned that his cushy lifestyle is impacting his professional progress and keeping him from achieving scientific renown, so he asks the gang to make life more difficult for him.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Troll Manifestation, The
An online troll rips Leonard and Sheldon's published physics paper, so the guys rally to defend the two and expose the bully, while a girls night out leads to Penny, Amy and Bernadette dishing about embarrassing past events.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Comic Book Store Regeneration, The
Amid the excitement of Stuart reopening his comic-book store, Howard gets some unsettling news; and after teaching Sheldon how to "let it go," Penny doesn't practice what she preaches when she learns something maddening about Amy.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Intimacy Acceleration, The
An experiment designed to make participants fall in love piques Penny and Leonard's interest, so they decide to put it to the test. Meanwhile, Leonard, Amy, Raj and Emily have an encounter with a "zombie".
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7984
Guests: Aaron Paul, Bert Kreischer, Colony House
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake War
Max and Caroline put their baking skills to the test when they audition to be contestants on the hit cooking show Cupcake Wars.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7984
Guests: Aaron Paul, Bert Kreischer, Colony House
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Stock Tip, The
George gives Jerry a bad stock-tip.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he''s finally ahead of the game. And that''s when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they''re going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it''s Nina''s turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this ''90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Crawl, The
When a new bar opens in the neighborhood, it completes the final piece of the puzzle for Nick's epic Valentine's Day pub crawl. Meanwhile, Jess and Ryan drunkenly contemplate their future, Coach meets a new woman - over and over again - and Schmidt tries to fit into the world of politics.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Oregon
Jess takes a bumpy stroll down memory lane when she and the gang travel to her childhood home in Portland, Oregon, for her father's wedding. Meanwhile, with Ryan back in England, everyone is worried that he and Jess' relationship is nearing the end, but Jess is determined to make it work.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Oldies but Young 'Uns
Al struggles to remember a favorite song from his past and enlists the help of an oldies expert, his pal Charlie Verducci; meanwhile, Charlie's son, Vinnie, falls for Kelly but, under Al's watchful eye, is unable to do anything about it.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 1
In the first of a two-part episode, after Al buys a shoddy air conditioner and causes a neighborhood blackout, the Bundys seek refuge from the heat and their infuriated neighbors by taking up residence in their local supermarket.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, January 25

6:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 2
When the Bundys are evicted from the supermarket where they've taken up temporary residence, Al inadvertently becomes their one millionth customer; but Marcy claims otherwise.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Needing cold cash for some hot prospects, Bud and Kelly are forced to find creative ways to earn money; meanwhile, Peg hoping for a hot night on the town, settles for an evening of videos with Al and the D'Arcys instead.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 1
When Al takes the family on a road trip to a shoe convention in California, the Bundys discover a golden opportunity when their car breaks down in the middle of a ghost town.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 2
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch gold fever and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Home Cheapo
Carrie is convinced that Deacon and Kelly were only able to afford a vacation home by being cheap. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to help Spence get a new job.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Affair Trade
Doug panics when he starts getting sexy phone messages meant for another Doug Heffernan, but Carrie doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Danny tries to force a wedge between Spence and a new lady friend.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Offensive Fowl
Carrie soon grows tired of Doug's forcing his new vegetarian lifestyle down her throat. Meanwhile, Carrie's boss wants to start discussing novels with her, and Spence takes on some humiliating new jobs.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mild Bunch
Doug's 20th high school reunion seems like a dud until an old friend comes up with a way to retaliate for past grievances with their old principal, while Danny and Spence try to hook up with old classmates. Carrie and Arthur try to have a movie night together.
TV-14
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Essence of Cleveland, The
Complications ensue when Cleveland bonds with a formerly heavyset classmate of Donna's.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ship'rect
Cleveland befriends celebrity idol Barry Shadwell and joins his sailing team, but has a change of heart about participating in a sailing event after he and Shadwell share a kiss.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Ricky Spanish
Roger makes amends for the trouble he caused after he adopted a sociopathic persona; Stan and Fran get an unexpected visit from a Nigerian man whom they aided through a relief organization.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Toy Whorey
Stan wants Steve to stop playing with toys and be a man, so he brings Steve to Mexico to make love to a prostitute; Roger attempts to retrieve a bottle of wine from Terry and Greg.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Love, American Dad Style
Roger opens a crooner's bar in the Smith family's attic and recruits Hayley as his main entertainer. Soon all of Langley Falls becomes enthralled by her singing voice - including Roger, who takes his crush on Hayley a bit too far. Meanwhile, Stan tries to prove his manhood by negotiating a good deal on a new car.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Killer Vacation
The Smith family's tropical vacation turns out to be anything but relaxing when Stan is assigned a mission to kill the activities director at their resort, whom his boss at the CIA insists is an ex-war criminal. Meanwhile, Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) and Jeff (Jeff Fischer) try to rekindle their fading romance, while Roger, as his latest persona, Abigail Lemonparty, falls for an older gentleman.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Giggity Wife, The
After accidentally marrying a prostitute, Quagmire pretends to be gay to end the relationship.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Spiderhunt
Schmidt is planning a midnight feast for Fawn at the loft when he spots a spider. Suddenly everyone's on lockdown as Schmidt's arachnophobia forces the group to go on a spider hunt. In the midst of this chaos, Winston inadvertently makes Jess think that Cece is in love with Nick.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Walk of Shame
After a night of partying at Bearclaw's, Jess and Cece make the proverbial walk of shame back to the loft and run into a familiar face. Meanwhile, Coach worries about bringing Nick and Winston around his sophisticated new girlfriend, May.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Tells..., The
The real father of Rachel's baby is revealed; Monica and Chandler struggle to make their honeymoon flight.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Videotape, The
Ross reveals that he videotaped a sexual encounter between Rachel and him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Date, The
Ross is horrified when Rachel goes on a date with a soap-opera star (Johnny Messner); Phoebe is attracted to a clumsy chef whom Monica wants to fire.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stain, The
Rachel wants to find her own apartment; Phoebe is ecstatic when Eric (Sean Penn) dumps Ursula to date her.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Colonization Application, The
There's trouble in paradise when Amy discovers Sheldon signed up for a one-way mission to colonize Mars, and the two get into a dogfight at a pet store. Meanwhile, Leonard makes a very "adult" purchase for Penny.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Leftover Thermalization, The
An electrical short thaws the last meal that was cooked by Mrs. Wolowitz, and the gang ponders what to do with it, while Sheldon and Leonard's work is featured in a magazine, but only one receives credit.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Matrimonial Momentum, The
Season 9 premiere, Penny has a problem dealing with Leonard's confession about having kissed another woman, while Sheldon is confused about Amy calling a timeout on their relationship.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Separation Oscillation, The
To ease Penny's mind, Leonard pays a visit to the woman he kissed during his expedition to the North Sea, while Sheldon's breakup with Amy leads him to retaliate by shooting a special episode of "Fun with Flags".
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bachelor Party Corrosion, The
The guys surprise Leonard with a belated bachelor-party weekend in Mexico, but their plans hit a bump in the road when they get a flat tire on the way. Meanwhile, the girls lean on Penny to tell her unsuspecting family that she and Leonard eloped.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
January 25, 2017
Full Frontal visits the nation's capital to see a live taping of America's finale.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7985
Guests: Leah Remini, Jeff Ross, Foxygen
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Pre-Approved Credit Card
A new pre-approved credit card causes strife between Max and Caroline, who have different opinions on what to charge on it. Meanwhile, Earl's estranged son, Darius, arrives in New York with hopes of becoming a stand-up comedian.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7985
Guests: Leah Remini, Jeff Ross, Foxygen
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Quest for the Spear, The
When a brilliant student takes a job at the New York Public Library, he learns it actually involves safeguarding ancient mystic and historical treasures secretly warehoused there, protecting them from the forces of evil. When one of the artifacts, one of three sections of the Spear of Destiny, gets taken by the Serpent Brotherhood, he must track it down across the globe with the help of a female operative of the Library, skilled in the arts of self defense. They must race against the clock before the brotherhood tracks down and assembles all three sections of the spear and risk giving them the power over the world''s destiny.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes John Sebastian, Peter Noone, Mark Lindsay, Robby Krieger, Richie Havens and Spencer Davis. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 1
Marcy excitedly announces she's pregnant but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she too has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 2
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women, pregnant or otherwise, decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to-be.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, January 26

6:00 am
Married With Children
Cheese, Cues and Blood
Lusting for a thousand dollar dress to wear to the Miss Cheese competition, Kelly decides to earn the money the old-fashioned way by hustling pool.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places
While Peggy and Marcy comb the city for Marcy's old baby furniture after Jefferson sells it to pocket the cash, the guys conduct a search of their own for the perfect maid although cleanliness is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Has a Belly Ache
When Al and the kids are preoccupied with a seemingly sick Buck, Peg, feeling neglected, returns home to her kin in Wanker County for a little TLC.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
If I Could See Me Now
After nearly driving off a bridge, Al lets the kids convince him to get eyeglasses, only to discover he doesn't like what he sees.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
God's Shoes
When Al has a spiritual experience and sees God's shoes, he makes it his mission to recreate and promote his heavenly vision.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 1
Armed with cable TV and a new remote control, Al is determined to stay on the couch until he finds something good to watch on television, while Kelly's public access show becomes the hottest thing on cable.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Manhanttan Project
Carrie's ecstatic when an affordable apartment opens in Manhattan, but Doug's reluctant to leave Queens. Arthur meets singer Ava St. Clair.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Single Spaced
Seeing friends who recently had a child makes Doug and Carrie consider adopting.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (1)
Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, as they ponder whether they have a future together. Arthur and Ava's wedding day turns problematic.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (2)
At Arthur's wedding reception, Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, and they ponder whether they have a future together.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Back to Cool
After Junior bonds with Donna's ex-husband, Robert, Cleveland challenges Robert to a "Coolympics" competition.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Show of Shows, The
After his public access television show bombs, Cleveland changes the format after studying day time talk shows with a large female demographic; Murray writes Rallo a hip hop song.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Can I Be Frank (With You)
Francine dresses up in a man suit so she can spend more time with Stan; Steve forms a boy band with his friends.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
American Stepdad
Stan invites his mother (guest voice Swoosie Kurtz) to come live with the family after Stan's stepfather dies, and tensions rise when Roger is forced to share his attic with her. But Roger and Stan's mom quickly fall in love and get married, and Stan is forced to deal with Roger as his new stepdad. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends discover a mysterious plane crash while on a bike ride and come across a long-lost script of a "Fast and Furious" movie that they are determined to get made.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Why Can't We Be Friends
After concluding that Snot isn't cool enough to hang out with Steve, Stan concocts a scheme to separate the pair by sticking Snot in the Witness Protection Program; Roger gives Steve money to clean out his attic.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Adventures in Hayleysitting
The Smith family's regular babysitter, Lindsay, breaks her leg in a soccer match, so Stan and Francine are forced to leave Steve with Hayley, despite her track record of being extremely irresponsible. When Hayley teases Steve about being a goody-two-shoes, Steve is determined to prove her wrong and sneaks out of the house to go to a party with the cool kids.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Call Girl
When Peter loses the family's money, Lois takes a job as a phone sex operator.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Right Thing, The
Jess crashes a funeral, hoping to delete a "sext" she recently sent to the deceased. Then, Schmidt's mom, Louise, arrives in town for a visit to demand he write thank-you notes for his bar mitzvah gifts, and Winston is desperate to be off-duty friends with his police partner, Aly.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Par 5
Jess accompanies Fawn to a charity golf tournament, where the vice principal's attempts to make a good impression prove subpar. Meanwhile, Winston meets an attractive woman but needs to lie about being a cop.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stripper, The
Rachel tells her belligerent father (Ron Leibman) that she is pregnant with Ross' child.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Boots, The
Chandler is angry when Monica buys expensive boots; Phoebe tries to get tickets to a Sting concert.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Dates Rachel, The
Rachel joins Joey for a night out in order to prepare him for a big date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Takes a Bath, The
Monica blabs her suspicions when she mistakenly believes Joey is infatuated with Phoebe.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Secret Code, The
George conceals his ATM code from fiancee Susan; guest John O'Hurley.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pool Guy, The
The pool man at Jerry's health club wants to be his best friend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Sponge, The
Elaine considers intimacy with her new boyfriend (Scott Patterson).
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Candy Manwich
Andy, a cute candy store owner, has eyes for Caroline, but she's too embarrassed to see him after a humiliating experience at his candy store.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Three Boys with Wood
Max and Caroline enlist two Amish boys who are exploring the modern world to build a barn for Chestnut. Meanwhile, Candy Andy discovers Caroline's ex-billionaire identity.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Perspiration Implementation, The
When Barry Kripke gives the guys fencing lessons, he makes a point of letting Sheldon know he's interested in dating Amy. Also, Stuart has trouble getting female customers at the Comic Book Store, so Penny, Amy and Bernadette stop by to help out.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Helium Insufficiency, The
A helium shortage leads Sheldon and Leonard to do business with a dealer in the black market in order to acquire some of the element for an experiment they need to complete.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spock Resonance, The
Sheldon's interview for a "Star Trek" documentary focusing on Spock turns up a shocking revelation about his breakup with Amy. Meanwhile, the Wolowitzes haggle over the remodeling of his family home.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Mystery Date Observation, The
When Leonard, Penny and Bernadette learn that Amy is going out on a dinner date, the trio set out to spy on her and the guy. Meanwhile, Sheldon recruits Raj and Howard to find a woman for him.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7986
Guests: Chris Hardwick, Cody Jinks
TV-14
12:00 am
Billy on the Street
NY Bubble with Stephen Colbert!, The
In the season finale of Billy on the Street, Billy is joined by Emmy-winner Stephen Colbert to play La La Land or Nicki Minaj Later, everyone's favorite contestant Elena is back to answer your Twitter questions!
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7986
Guests: Chris Hardwick, Cody Jinks
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Gum, The
Kramer complicates Jerry's quest to locate a special brand of Chinese gum.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines, The
Librarian-turned-adventurer Flynn Carsen (Wyle) endeavors to find King Solomon''s mines.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Death of a Shoe Salesman
While shopping for a burial plot for the family, Al and Peg discover they don't have enough money, so they have to be buried in the same casket.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 2
The Bundys' dream of fame and fortune remain just that after Kelly's popular local cable talk show is revamped for prime time by Hollywood network executive Jeff Littlehead.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
In a style reminiscent of the old Hollywood thriller, Al dreams he's a private eye who finds himself in the middle of a murder when he's hired by a femme fatale to protect her inheritance from her thieving family.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
So This Is How Sinatra Felt
When Peg thinks Al's having an affair, she sends Kelly and Bud out to do some sleuthing, but no one is more shocked than Al to discover that a beautiful shoe groupie wants to try him on for size.
TV-PG
 

Friday, January 27

6:00 am
Married With Children
I Who Have Nothing
When Al decides to draw up a will and divide up his worldly belongings, he tracks down his old high school girlfriend, to whom he gave his most prized possession, his football.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Mystery of Skull Island, The
While Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson play a New Age board game, Bud finds himself unable to say no to sexy Kara even if it kills him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Just Shoe It
Al relives his glory days as a high school football star (All City '66) when he lands a role in a Super Bowl commercial with ex-jocks Sugar Ray Leonard, Steve Carlton and Ed "Too Tall" Jones.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rites of Passage
Though Peggy has hired Sticky the Clown to entertain at Bud's 18th birthday party, Al follows Bundy tradition and takes his son to the nudie bar for his first brawl.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Egg and I, The
Steve Rhoades, on the run after hijacking an endangered egg, returns to reclaim his ex-wife, but Marcy doesn't want him back and all the Bundys want is to turn him in to the FBI for the reward money.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Psychic Avengers
When Al takes over Jefferson's psychic scam, rival mystic Madame Inga puts a curse on the entire Bundy family.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
My Dinner with Anthrax
It's Al and Peggy's 20th anniversary and Bud and Kelly pack them off to a time-share scam in Florida so heavy metal band Anthrax can party at the Bundy house.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
High I.Q.
Bud is up in arms when Kelly is invited to join a group of geniuses while Al and Jefferson try their hand at putting together a workbench and lose a few fingers in the process.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Dugan Groupie
Jealous of Carrie's new job, Doug asks his boss for a promotion and gets put in charge of safety.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Lost Vegas
Doug takes Carrie to a spa, hoping it will get her to let him take a trip to Vegas with the guys; Arthur teaches Spence his trick for beating the house in blackjack.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Furious George
Carrie makes Doug join a support group for overeaters, but he secretly joins an abusive relationship group where he blames his eating on her.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Entertainment Weakly
Doug sends a new driver on the wrong route, but the plan backfires when the man winds up in the hospital.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang
Cleveland tries to generate interest for a comic book character at ComicCon; Donna is horrified to discover that director Robert Rodriguez is screening a Blaxploitation film she appeared in years earlier.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
BFFs
Cleveland takes his friends on a canoeing trip, where the guys encounter a group of deviant hillbillies; Donna enters Rollo in a quiz tournament to prove he's as smart as the other kids.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story
A Langley Falls talk show outs Francine as "Baby Franny," the toddler who was once rescued from a well by a heroic fireman. Then, on the anniversary of her rescue, she falls down the well again and makes a shocking discovery. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger have an entrepreneurial "eureka!" moment when they think of the world's next game-changing business opportunity - male stripper shoes.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finger Lenting Good
Francine asks her family to give up their vices for Lent or risk losing a finger.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari, The
Francine tries to teach Roger the value of hard work after he fakes a masters degree and buys an Oscar. Steve interviews Stan for a personal history assignment at school.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Panty Gate
Fawn is at the center of a political scandal, so Schmidt steps in to help her out. Meanwhile, Jess takes on the role of "love doctor," and Coach faces a life-altering situation with May.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Clean Break
In the Season 4 finale, Coach is moving out of the loft, while Schmidt gets rid of non-essentials and comes to realize what is really important to him, and Jess & Nick reminisce and try to determine how they feel about each other.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Secret Closet, The
Joey realizes his intense feelings for Rachel are excluding Ross from the joys of impending fatherhood.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Tells Rachel, The
Joey tells Rachel that he is in love with her.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Tea Leaves, The
Rachel devises a lie about her unborn child that she hopes will break the silence between her and Joey; Phoebe reads tea leaves and predicts she will soon encounter the man of her dreams.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Massapequa, The
Phoebe brings her annoyingly upbeat boyfriend (Alec Baldwin) to the 35th anniversary of Monica and Ross' parents (Christina Pickles, Elliott Gould), who urge Ross and pregnant Rachel to pretend to be married.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Rye, The
George's and Susan's parents have dinner together for the first time.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Caddy, The
Kramer befriends a caddy (Armin Shimerman) who helps him improve his golf game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Seven, The
Jerry's girlfriend (Lisa Deanne) wears the same dress; Elaine loses a bike to Kramer.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Shower Head, The
Jerry jokes about his uncle on television; Elaine fails a drug test; guest Jay Leno.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Trouble-prone Percy Jackson is having problems in high school - but that's the least of his challenges. It's the 21st century, but the gods of Mount Olympus seem to have walked out of the pages of Percy's Greek mythology texts and into his life. Percy has learned that his real father is Poseidon, god of the sea, which means Percy is a demigod - half human, half god. At the same time, the powerful gods on Olympus are feuding, which could launch a war enveloping our entire planet. Now, Percy must prepare for the adventure of a lifetime, and the stakes couldn't be higher. With ominous storm clouds brewing over Earth and his own life now in peril, Percy travels to a special enclave called Camp Half Blood, where he trains to harness his newly discovered powers and prevent a devastating war among the gods. There, Percy meets two fellow demigods - the warrior Annabeth, who is searching for her mother, the goddess Athena; and his friend and protector, Grover, who is actually a brave but untested satyr. Grover and Annabeth then join Percy on an incredible transcontinental odyssey that takes them six hundred stories above New York City (the portal to Mount Olympus) and to the iconic Hollywood sign, under which burn the fires of the Underworld. At journey's end rests the fate of the world - and the life of Percy's mother Sally, whom Percy must rescue from the depths of Hell itself.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson isn't feeling very heroic. The half-human son of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, once saved the world, but Percy's starting to think that might have been a fluke. Is he a flash in the pan a one-quest wonder? When Percy learns he has a half-brother who's a monster, he wonders if being the son of Poseidon might be more of a curse than a blessing.
TV-PG
12:45 am
Movie
Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice, The
This new adventure follows Flynn (Noah Wyle) on the trail of a conspiracy that involves the notorious vampire, Prince Vlad Dracul. Once again, he must overcome his fears and protect one of the world''s most sacred artifacts, The Judas Chalice, or face the consequences of it falling into the wrong hands.
TV-PG
2:45 am
Movie
Transporter 3
Frank Martin has been pressured into transporting Valentina, the kidnapped daughter of Leonid Vasilev, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency for the Ukraine, from Marseilles through Stuttgart and Budapest until he ends up in Odessa on the Black Sea. Along the way, with the help of Inspector Tarconi, Frank has to contend with the people who strong armed him to take the job, agents sent by Vasilev to intercept him, and the general non-cooperation of his passenger. Despite Valentina's cynical disposition and his resistance to get involved, Frank and Valentina fall for each other, while escaping from one life-threatening situation after another.
TV-14
4:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Shower, The
Marie attempts to take over when Debra throws a bridal shower for Amy; Debra runs into trouble with the law and must rely on Marie for help.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Baggage
Ray and Debra engage in a battle of wills over who is responsible for putting a suitcase away.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, January 28

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Bachelor Party, The
Debra accuses Ray of throwing a lousy bachelor party for his brother and exhorts him to do it again.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Robert's Wedding Part 1
Robert and Amy exchange vows in a classic Barone family wedding ceremony.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Young adventurer Sean receives a coded distress signal from a mysterious island where no island should exist--a place of strange life forms, mountains of gold, deadly volcanoes, and more than one astonishing secret. Unable to stop him from going, Sean's new stepfather joins the quest. Together with a helicopter pilot and his beautiful, strong-willed daughter, they set out to find the island, rescue its lone inhabitant and escape before seismic shock waves force the island under the sea and bury its treasures forever.
TV-PG
10:15 am
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Trouble-prone Percy Jackson is having problems in high school - but that's the least of his challenges. It's the 21st century, but the gods of Mount Olympus seem to have walked out of the pages of Percy's Greek mythology texts and into his life. Percy has learned that his real father is Poseidon, god of the sea, which means Percy is a demigod - half human, half god. At the same time, the powerful gods on Olympus are feuding, which could launch a war enveloping our entire planet. Now, Percy must prepare for the adventure of a lifetime, and the stakes couldn't be higher. With ominous storm clouds brewing over Earth and his own life now in peril, Percy travels to a special enclave called Camp Half Blood, where he trains to harness his newly discovered powers and prevent a devastating war among the gods. There, Percy meets two fellow demigods - the warrior Annabeth, who is searching for her mother, the goddess Athena; and his friend and protector, Grover, who is actually a brave but untested satyr. Grover and Annabeth then join Percy on an incredible transcontinental odyssey that takes them six hundred stories above New York City (the portal to Mount Olympus) and to the iconic Hollywood sign, under which burn the fires of the Underworld. At journey's end rests the fate of the world - and the life of Percy's mother Sally, whom Percy must rescue from the depths of Hell itself.
TV-PG
12:45 pm
Movie (DVS)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson isn't feeling very heroic. The half-human son of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, once saved the world, but Percy's starting to think that might have been a fluke. Is he a flash in the pan a one-quest wonder? When Percy learns he has a half-brother who's a monster, he wonders if being the son of Poseidon might be more of a curse than a blessing.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Joey's Interview, The
When Soap Opera Digest requests an interview, Joey enlists his friends to make sure he does not say anything that could cost him his role.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Cooking Class, The
A food critic blasts Monica's cooking in a newspaper review; a cute saleswoman riles Rachel when she flirts with Ross; Phoebe coaches Chandler for a job interview.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Is Late, The
Overdue Rachel tries everything to rush the delivery of her baby.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Egg Special
Max and Caroline cook up a surprising fundraising solution when a potential storefront for Max's Homemade Cupcakes becomes available for rent.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the New Boss
When Max and Caroline hire an intern, Ruth, to help take care of some of the dirty work in preparation of opening their new cupcake shop, Max has trouble with her new managerial role.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Big Opening
Max and Caroline host a grand opening celebration at their new cupcake shop. To show off her success, Max invites her former flame Johnny and her ex-boyfriend Robbie.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
2003 Approximation, The
Sheldon reverts back to 2003 when he learns that Leonard and Penny are moving in together. Meanwhile Howard and Raj form a band to play at the comic book store.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Earworm Reverberation, The
God only knows what song is constantly playing in Sheldon's head, but it reminds him of Amy and leads to a surprising revelation. Meanwhile, she is back in the dating game.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Opening Night Excitation, The
Prof. Proton visits Sheldon in a dream and gives him Obi-Wan Kenobi-like advice about whether to go see the new "Star Wars" film or spend the time with newly reunited girlfriend Amy on her birthday.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Sales Call Sublimation, The
Penny entices Leonard to meet with a psychiatrist and the results are surprising; Stuart moves out of the Wolowitz house and Howard and Bernadette find themselves at a loss.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Empathy Optimization, The
Dealing with an under-the-weather Sheldon is so draining for Penny, Leonard, and the gang, that they decide to treat themselves to a Sheldon-less weekend.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Meemaw Materialization, The
Sheldon's grandmother, aka Meemaw, visits and there's friction between her and Amy, which intensifies after the elderly woman blurts out a secret about Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Valentino Submergence, The
Sheldon and Amy celebrate Valentine's Day with an episode of Fun With Flags; Leonard and Penny feel the pangs of aging; Howard and Bernadette are surprised by what they find in their hot tub.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Positive Negative Reaction, The
The gang learns Bernadette is pregnant and celebrate by singing karaoke. Meanwhile, Wolowitz freaks out over the pregnancy announcement and becomes convinced he must make more money to provide for the baby.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Application Deterioration, The
Howard reconsiders entering into a legal partnership with Leonard and Sheldon regarding the patent for the infinite persistence gyroscope. Also, the women offer Raj dating advice after Emily reaches out to him following their breakup.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
January 25, 2017
Full Frontal visits the nation's capital to see a live taping of America's finale.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie
Hit and Run
Charlie Bronson is a nice guy with a questionable past who risks everything when he busts out of the witness protection program to deliver his fiancé to Los Angeles to seize a once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity. Their road trip grows complicated when they are chased by the feds and increasingly dangerous when Charlie's former pals, a band of gangsters, enter the fray.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie
Mexican, The
Jerry Welbach, a reluctant bagman, has been given two ultimatums: The first is from his mob boss to travel to Mexico and retrieve a priceless antique pistol, known as "the Mexican"... or suffer the consequences. The second is from his girlfriend Samantha to end his association with the mob. Jerry figures alive and in trouble with Samantha is better than the more permanent alternative, so he heads south of the border. Finding the pistol proves easy. Getting it home is another matter. The pistol supposedly carries a legendary curse--a legend Jerry is given every reason to believe... especially when Samantha is taken hostage by a hit man to ensure the safe return of the pistol.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Big Mama P
In the Season 5 premiere, Cece and Schmidt ask Jess and Nick to be maid of honor and best man at their wedding, so the two bridal-party members start to arrange an engagement party. But things take an unusual turn after Jess invites Cece's mom.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
What About Fred?
Jess is ready to date again, but is disappointed in the dud spud she lands, and things get complicated when she takes a serious liking to his perfectly fun parents.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Robert's Wedding Part 2
Robert and Amy exchange vows in a classic Barone family wedding ceremony.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Fun with Debra
Debra decides to join Ray on a golf outing in order to recover their former fun-loving relationship.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, January 29

6:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Thank You Notes
Marie nags her new daughter-in-law to send out thank-you notes; Debra is thrilled she finally has an ally in Amy to oppose Marie.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Home from School
Michael refuses to go to school and spends an entire day watching Ray work in his downstairs office.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Clip Show Part 1, The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Clip Show Part 2, The
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 1, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby Part 2, The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One Proposes, The
Joey finds himself engaged to Rachel soon after she delivers her baby girl, while Phoebe assumes Ross is the one who proposed.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Emma Cries, The
Joey seeks forgiveness from Ross, while Rachel tries to quell Emma's incessant crying.
TV-PG
10:00 am
ELEAGUE
Valve's Counter-Strike: Global Offensive - The Majors
1:00 pm
Salute to SAG Movie Marathon (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn''t long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Salute to SAG Movie Marathon (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skywalker Incursion, The
A speaking engagement at UC Berkeley puts Leonard and Sheldon in a galaxy not too far, far away from their idol George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch, and they considrer dropping by.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fortification Implementation, The
When Sheldon and Amy build a blanket fort, they come to a big crossroad in their relationship. And Wolowitz is shocked when a man claiming to be his half-brother he never knew he had shows up at his front door. And, when Penny is invited to appear on Wil Wheaton's podcast, she and Leonard have a huge, on-air argument.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Communication Deterioration, The
In the event of Alien contact, NASA asks Raj to craft a message for the extraterrestrials, and the guys battle over how it should be handled. Meanwhile, Penny must decide between auditioning for a film role or keeping her job in pharmaceutical sales.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Graduation Transmission, The
Wolowitz questions his engineering abilities when he and Sheldon can't get a drone to fly. Meanwhile, a canceled flight nearly prevents Leonard from giving the commencement address at his former high school. And Raj pits his parents against each other when his father cuts him off financially.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Maternal Combustion, The
Leonard and Sheldon's mothers come to town to celebrate their sons getting an award, but the opinionated women engage in an altercation over religion.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Commitment Determination, The
In the Season 8 finale, Leonard and Penny are pressured to set a wedding date by Sheldon, whose relationship with Amy has taken an interesting turn.
TV-14
8:00 pm
SAG Awards
23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards
10:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
11:00 pm
Movie
Olympus Has Fallen
When the President is kidnapped by a terrorist who seizes control of the White House (Secret Service Code: "Olympus"), disgraced former Presidential guard Mike Banning finds himself trapped within the building. As the national security team rushes to respond, they must rely on Banning's insider knowledge to save the President and prevent an even greater catastrophe.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Blade: Trinity
Deep in a remote desert, vampire leaders are resurrecting Dracula, the horrific creature who spawned their race. Now known as Drake, this awesome vampire has unique powers that allow him to exist in daylight. To make things even more difficult for Blade, the vampiric leadership launches a smear campaign against him, targeting him as a murderous monster and sending the FBI after him. After Blade and his mentor, Whistler, have an explosive showdown with FBI agent Cumberland and his men, it's evident that the Daywalker will need some assistance. Blade reluctantly teams up with the Nightstalkers, a group of human vampire hunters led by Whistler's beautiful daughter, Abigail, and the wisecracking Hannibal King. While their blind scientist Sommerfield works on creating a final solution for the vampire problem, the Nightstalkers launch a relentless series of battles against Dracula's gang of the undead, led by the powerful vampire Danica Talos and her fanged acolytes Asher and Grimwood. Ultimately, Blade finds himself taking on the greatest vampire of all time, as his own fate and that of humanity hang in the balance.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Chronicles of Riddick, The
It is a dark time in the universe. Planet after planet is falling to an unholy army of Necromongers--conquering warriors who offer ravaged worlds a simple choice--convert or die. Those who refuse their rule hope in vain for someone or something that will slow the spread of Necromongers. But rebels are short-lived and saviors, it seems, are in short supply. When things get bad, weary survivors turn to myths for comfort--murmured propheciesm, vain hopes, legends of good vanquishing evil. But good isn't always the antidote to evil and legends can be wrong. Sometimes the only way to stop evil is not with good--but with another kind of evil. So an unlikely figure is summoned from exile and asked to join the fight: Riddick, who couldn't care less who's in charge of the universe, just as long as he's left along. Since leaving a god-forgotten (and creature-ridden) planet in the Tauras system five years ago, the wanted fugitive hasn't looked back. Most of the time has been spent evading capture and ghosting whatever mercenaries are on his tail. To him, it's all the same, apocalype or no--this one-man army is interested only in saving his own life. Get in his way and his gladly take yours. But something has been set in motion, and the coming confrontation propels Riddick into a series of epic, winner-take-all battles: from an idyllic, multicultural civilizaton under seige; to a subterranean prison carved beneath the surface of a hellish, volcanic planet; and finally, aboard the massive baroque Necro motherhship and the seat of power in their black empire--the Basilica. In the final battle, it is foretold that the fate of all may depend upon the destiny of on Furyan.
TV-14
 

Monday, January 30

6:00 am
Married With Children
Teacher Pets
When Bud's English teacher has the hots for him, he seeks advice from Al, who takes time out of his busy schedule attending birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese to correct the situation with the usual Bundy flair.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Goodbye Girl, The
While Al takes a world tour via the living room couch and remote control, Kelly gets a job at the TV World theme park.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Gas Station Show, The
Al takes the family out for a Bundy Sunday Fun Day, but when he can't pay for gas, he is forced to work off his debt as an attendant on the full-serve island.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 1
The Bundys win a free trip to England but little do they know they are being set up for execution for only the death of every male Bundy can lift the curse of darkness from the English town of Lower Uncton.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Name Dropper
Doug digs a deeper hole for himself when he fakes a heart attack to avoid angering Carrie for not knowing her friend's name.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Offtrack...Bedding
Doug goes looking for his father at a model train convention and notices his mother with a very seductive Arthur Spooner.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Pediatrician, The
Emma's pediatrician drops her as a patient because of Rachel's constant calls.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Sharks, The
Monica fears Chandler has a sexual fetish involving sharks.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One with the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hurricane, The
Cleveland and his family become trapped in the house without food when a hurricane ravages Stoolbend; Cleveland Jr. announces that he does not believe in God.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Nightmare on Grace Street, A
On Halloween...Donna forces Cleveland and Rallo to spend a night in a spooky abandoned house; Roberta attempts to choose between a boy she thinks is a vampire and a boy she thinks is a werewolf.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina, a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Naked to the Limit, One More Time
Roger pretends to be Jeff's imaginary friend so he can roam naked around the house with no disguise. But when big-mouth Jeff figures out that Roger is an alien, Stan issues an ultimatum: either Roger or Jeff must be killed immediately. Meanwhile, Steve becomes insecure about the shape of his rear end.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan's honeymoon with his wife, Sexpun Tocome, is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Midday Run
When Tina is up for a big hall monitor promotion, she is determined to do whatever it takes to nab the powerful job, so she enlists the help of Gene and Louise. Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Linda gets artsy and begins to decorate the walls with customer artwork on napkins.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Speakeasy Rider
Tina, Gene and Louise are ready to put the pedal to the metal when they join a go-kart league. Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, Bob and Teddy partner up to serve Teddy's home-brewed beer.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise
In order to become an accepted member of the Community Garden, Bob must make a deal that results in giving Louise's arch enemy a job at the restaurant. Father and daughter are at odds and a choice must be made.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Can't Buy Me Math
Tina teams up with Darryl to win the Cupid's Couple contest at the school dance. Meanwhile, Linda plans a full week of ambitious Valentine's Day activities for her and Bob.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Millie-Churian Candidate, The
Tina and Louise volunteer to run Jimmy Junior's class president campaign in order to keep Millie from winning, and ruining the school. Meanwhile, Bob becomes obsessed with a knife after talking himself into buying it for $300.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
12 and a Half Angry Men
Mayor West goes on trial for murder after his aide is found stabbed to death.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bigfat
After the airplane he's riding in crashes in the Canadian wilderness, Peter transforms into a feral beast.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Total Recall
Peter discovers that he's anything but irreplaceable when Lois begins hanging out with his friends; Stewie and Brian embark on a mission to reunite Stewie with his teddy bear.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Save the Clam
Peter and his friends attempt to save The Drunken Clam bar from being demolished; Meg takes a job as an undertaker's assistant.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Farmer Guy
When a crime spree sweeps through Quahog, the Griffins move to the safety of a farm, where they're forced to open a meth lab to make ends meet.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
No Country Club for Old Men
A wealthy girl invites Chris and his family to spend time at the prestigious Barrington Country Club, but complications ensue when Carter gets kicked out of the club.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Roads to Vegas
Brian and Stewie go to Vegas, but chaos erupts when a glitch in Stewie's new teleportation machine creates a duplicate Brian and Stewie.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Finders Keepers
After Peter finally goes to the dentist to take care of his bad breath, the Griffins celebrate with a family dinner at The Founding Father Restaurant. The waiter notices Stewie coloring in his placemat, and explains that it's actually a reprinted treasure map.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Vestigial Peter
Fed up with Peter¿s old, tattered, shirt, Lois takes him to the mall to buy a new outfit for church. When Peter struggles with the top button, they notice a large lump on his neck. Alarmed, they rush to the hospital where Dr. Hartman guesses that it¿s an incomplete vestigial twin.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Quagmire's Quagmire
Quagmire purchases a new laptop, which promptly gets infected by viruses from all of the dirty websites he visits. When he takes it in to be fixed, the technician, Sonja, is unfazed by his browser history and actually recommends alternate sites. Impressed, Quagmire asks her out on a date.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fistful of Meg, A
A new kid arrives at James Woods High and quickly earns the nickname "Mental Mike" for his aggressive and violent reputation.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7987
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Silent Partner
Sophie is depressed after being swindled by the contractor in charge of building her dream house, so Max offers to make her a silent partner in the cupcake business but Caroline and Sophie have very different visions for the company.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7987
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Doll, The
One of Susan's dolls looks like George's mother; Kramer turns pool shark; guest Kathy Griffin.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Longshots, The
When Curtis Plummer, a down on his luck former high school football star, takes the only job he can find, babysitting his misfit niece Jasmine, he discovers that she has the skills that once made him a great quarterback. The only place these two opposites get along is on the field, so Curtis is determined to turn Jasmine into the star of the local team, The Minden Browns, and get his own stride back by becoming the coach. The boys on the team don't want her but when this girl quarterback shows them she's got the skills, she'll turn their whole world upside down.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Jury Duty
Jess in unable to sustain her excitement about jury duty after finding out she may be in line for a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Nick hits the ceiling over the mess Cece's made of the loft.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
No Girl
While Jess is sequestered at jury duty, Nick rents out the loft to earn money to help pay for Schmidt's bachelor party. Meanwhile, Winston suspects KC is being unfaithful and asks Cece for help learning the truth.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 2
Al, Peggy and Bud arrive in Lower Uncton, where the townspeople prepare to kill them but lost, globetrotting Kelly, is able to warn them of danger.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
England Show Part 3
When the townspeople of Upper and Lower Uncton fight over who gets to kill Al and Bud, Al jousts to save his neck, but a little trouble in Customs concerning a certain hotel towel gets him thrown in the dungeon.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, January 31

6:00 am
Married With Children
Magnificent Seven
When Peg's 5-year-old nephew Seven is abandoned at the Bundy doorstep by his loser parents, Peg and Al decide to keep him, much to their kids' dismay.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
T-R-A-Something-Something Spells Tramp
When Kelly's date gives her an ultimatum, she finds herself stranded but not alone on a deserted road 15 miles outside Chicago. Meanwhile, Peg tries to put some spice back into her marriage by spending Saturday night communicating with Al.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Every Bundy Has a Birthday
When Seven can't remember his birthday, Peggy assigns him one, selecting the next day, which also happens to be Al's birthday. The family decides to go to the town park to celebrate, only to find it's been rented by a rich, snobby family.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Al on the Rocks
When Peggy panics over Seven's sneezes, she begins piling up medical bills, forcing Al to take on a second job as a topless bartender.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
What I Did for Love
In an effort to renew her husband's romantic interest in her, Peg drags Al along to shop for some exciting lingerie, only to find Bud hitting on one of the store mannequins. After trying every trick in the book, Peg finally discovers food is the only way to arouse Al, but when she slaves away in the kitchen in exchange for a few romantic results, she refuses to do any more cooking.
TV-14
8:30 am
Married With Children
Frat Chance
Desperate for a date, Bud founds his own community college fraternity in his garage.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Awed Couple
Deacon and Kelly find new couple friends, forcing Doug and Carrie to turn to their old reliable couple friends, Neal and Marcy.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Silent Mite
Doug and Arthur play detective when Doug suspects an admirer of Carrie has stolen his wallet.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Cologne Ranger
Doug wears a cologne Carrie dislikes to try to convince himself and the guys that she does not control him.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Domestic Disturbance
Carrie gets a raise and hires a Spanish-speaking housekeeper, but the language barrier frustrates Doug, who retaliates by hiring Veronica as his personal housekeeper.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Skip Day
Cleveland is stunned to discover that Junior is stronger than he is; Lester vows revenge after Kendra is injured in a hit-and-run accident.unaware that Rallo is to blame.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Yemen Party
After dressing as a Muslim woman to infiltrate Donna's women's support group, Cleveland gets a taste of his own medicine when he travels to Yemen to perform housework for a sheik; Rallo uses Junior as an avatar to confront a playground bully.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith, The
Stan learns that the CIA wants to wipe out Bullock's memory after he exhibits signs of dementia; Roger hires Stelio Kontos to deal with a student who's bullying Steve at school.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Lost in Space
In order to return to Earth, the space-bound Jeff must convince an emperor that he is in love with Hayley.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Da Flippity Flop
Klaus swaps bodies with Stan after discovering that his original human body is on ice at the CIA; after converting the attic into a gym, Roger attempts to convince Stan to sign up for a lifetime membership.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure
Stan reveals that the C.I.A. has a cloning machine at work. Steve and Snot decide to use the machine to clone girls so that they will finally have prom dates. The cloning process backfires as the girls emerge as babies.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Boopa-Dee Bappa Dee
The Quahog 5 News reports an ongoing price war between airlines has led to extremely reduced fares. Lois takes advantage of the situation and purchases tickets to Italy for the family.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Life of Brian
While visiting 17th century Jamestown in his time machine, Stewie gives guns to the Native Americans in an effort to be amiable. Back in the present, Stewie and Brian are surprised to discover that Native Americans are now in control of the entire country.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Bob & Carol & Nick & Schmidt
Nick's cousin and his wife visit with a very special request, which prompts Schmidt to offer Nick a glimpse into the future. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece shop for a wedding dress.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Reagan
While Jess in on jury duty, the gang sublets her room to a comely pharmaceutical rep who brings quite a charge to their lives.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Lottery, The
The gang buys scads of lottery tickets for the multimillion-dollar jackpot.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac Part 1, The
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac Part 2, The
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Friar's Club, The
Jerry tries to join the Friars Club; a new co-worker causes more work for Elaine.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Wig Master, The
Jerry reconsiders buying a costly jacket by using Elaine's discount at the shop.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Solder Excursion Diversion, The
Sheldon shocks Amy with a startling revelation after she buys him a new laptop. Meanwhile, Raj throws Leonard and Howard under the bus after they lie to their wives and sneak off to an early screening of a movie.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bear Precipitation, The
Sheldon shares a secret about Leonard when the two go on a weekend trip with Penny and Amy; Raj goes all out with pregnancy gifts.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Viewing Party Combustion, The
During a group get-together, a minor argument between Sheldon and Leonard turns into a heated debate, leaving the rest of the gang to choose sides.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fermentation Bifurcation, The
Sheldon stays behind to spend quality time with the pregnant Bernadette when the rest of the gang toddles off to a wine-tasting event where they run into Penny's former boyfriend, and Raj introduces his new girlfriend.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Line Substitution Solution, The
When Sheldon decides he'd rather go to a movie screening than hang out with Amy, he hires Stuart to spend the day with her. Meanwhile Leonard's mother visits, and Penny just can't seem to connect with her.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Convergence Convergence, The
In the Season 9 finale, Leonard's recently divorced parents roll into town, as does Sheldon's holy-roller mother, and all hell breaks loose. Meanwhile, Raj and Howard are concerned when the government unexpectedly contacts them about their guidance system.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7988
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the High Holidays
Desperate for a way to pay their overdue rent, Max and Caroline get involved with a group of sketchy customers willing to pay top dollar for their cupcakes.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7988
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Calzone, The
George becomes his boss's pet when he shares a delicious calzone with him.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Taking of Pelham 123, The
New York City subway dispatcher Walter Garber''s ordinary day is thrown into chaos by an audacious crime: the hijacking of a subway train. Ryder, the criminal mastermind and leader of the highly-armed gang of four threatens to execute the train''s passengers unless a large ransom is paid within one hour. As the tension mounts beneath his feet, Garber employs his vast knowledge of the subway system in a battle to outwit the gang and save the hostages. But there''s one riddle Garber can''t solve: even if the thieves get the money, how can they possibly escape?
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Wig
Schmidt and Cece's relationship is impacted by lovestruck Nick's attraction to Reagan, so they try to make her appear somewhat less alluring. Meanwhile, Winston schools Reagan in the art of breaking up.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Decision, The
Reagan causes chaos when she tells Nick and Winston that she will only sleep with one of them, in an attempt to challenge the guys' indecisiveness. Meanwhile, Schmidt is reunited with his college frenemy, Benjamin.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Chicago Wine Party, The
With the elections coming up, Al convinces his family to register and vote for the first time in an effort to stop a proposed tax on beer. When the tax increase passes, Al leads an angry protest to overturn the bill.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
When Al can't afford to pay the bills, he convinces Kelly to get a job. Finding employment as a waitress at a burger joint, Kelly realizes why mother Peg has never worked a day in her life.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, February 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Old College Try
Bud's big plans to move into his college dorm are destroyed when Al and Peg manage to get their hands on his scholarship money and go on a shopping spree. Broke and dormless, Bud is forced back into the Bundy household.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Christmas
Al does his yearly pre-Christmas inspection of the family and can find they've done nothing wrong, which means he has to buy them presents, but he has to take a job as a Department Store Santa to pay for the gifts.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Show, The
As the Bundys prepare to attend their cousin Jimmy's wedding, everything begins to go wrong. Al can't find his suit, Peg can't get her makeup right, Kelly and the bridesmaids think they have on the wrong dresses and Bud gets caught with the bride.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Al takes a fishing trip alone, only to have Peg and Marcy show up and spoil his vacation.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Heels on Wheels
Kelly buys a motorcycle to put some fun back into her life, but disaster strikes when Al decides to take the bike out for a spin.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Mr. Empty Pants
Peggy's unflattering cartoon makes Al a reluctant celebrity.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Pour Judgement
Carrie is upset when Doug does not take an exam that could have led to a promotion, so he retaliates by becoming a bartender.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Gym Neighbors
When Doug and Carrie start training with their neighbor (Lou Ferrigno) so Carrie can lose a few pounds, Doug works out a deal that allows him to laze around during exercise time.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Gorilla Warfare
When Carrie learns Doug stole the romantic line he used when they started dating, he struggles to come up with a new one for Valentine's Day to try to redeem himself.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Hi, School
When Doug makes a delivery to his former high school, the football coach (Burt Reynolds) treats him like a hero, so Doug begins stopping by more often.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Sex and the Biddy
Rallo discovers that Murray's girlfriend is trying to scam Murray out of his savings; Cleveland wears a man-girdle to make it seem as if he's lost weight.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Die Semi-Hard
As Christmas approaches, Cleveland tells the family his version of the original "Die Hard."
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Poltergasm
Steve and Roger discover that the house is haunted. The ghost appears as an apparition of a younger Francine. The ghost grows more powerful until it attacks Hayley's boyfriend and pulls him into the netherworld.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Buck, Wild
Steve is eager to prove that he's no longer a little boy, so he sets off to prove his manhood by joining Stan, Bullock, and the rest of the CIA on their annual hunting trip. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus set off on a cross-country road trip.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Crotchwalkers
In a desperate attempt to show Steve that she's still a cool mom, Francine teaches him a vast array of shoplifting techniques to try out at the local mall.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Kung Pao Turkey
Stan's plans for a perfect Thanksgiving watching football in his underwear are thwarted when Francine invites her adoptive parents to join them for the holiday. Meanwhile, Francine's mom encourages Hayley to get back on the dating scene and invites an eligible bachelor over, but her true intentions are revealed at Thanksgiving dinner.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
3 Acts of God
It¿s football season and the Patriots have just lost their tenth game in a row. A disgruntled Peter joins Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland at The Clam to drink and complain about their home team. Peter suddenly has an epiphany while watching the post-game show: the teams that defeat the Patriots consistently thank God for carrying them to victory.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fresh Heir
Peter breaks his promise to take Chris on a fishing trip, leaving Chris feeling rejected. Lois suggests he spend more time with Carter, who has a broken leg and needs someone to take care of him.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Heat Wave
Things heat up between Nick and Reagan over who can provide the loft with the best air conditioning unit. Meanwhile, Winston uses his cop voice to help Schmidt prep Cece for a newscaster audition.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Goosebumps Walkaway
Jess returns from jury duty and tries to uncover the real identity of a juror sequestered with her. Meanwhile, Reagan prepares to move out of the loft and out of Nick's life; and Winston and Cece help Schmidt get over his fear of public dancing.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Donor, The
Monica and Chandler interview unsuspecting candidates, hoping to find the right man to father their baby.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados Part 1, The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados Part 2, The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit Part 1, The
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit Part 2, The
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wait Out, The
Jerry and Elaine anticipate dating soon-to-be-single friends (Cary Elwes, Debra Messing).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Invitations, The
George searches for a way to stop his impending nuptials; guests Janeane Garofalo, Stephen Root, George Steinbrenner.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pilot
In the Series opener, brilliant physicist roommates Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny, who begins showing them that as much as they know about science, they know little about actual living.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Big Bran Hypothesis, The
Leonard volunteers to sign for a package in an attempt to make a good impression on Penny, but when he enlists Sheldon for help, his attempt at chivalry goes terribly awry.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fuzzy Boots Corollary, The
Leonard asks a work colleague (Sara Gilbert) out after he finds out that Penny is seeing someone.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Luminous Fish Effect, The
Sheldon's getting fired forces him to explore what life has to offer outside physics, leaving Leonard to take drastic action to snap his friend out of his funk.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hamburger Postulate, The
Fearing he's wasting his time on Penny, Leonard ends up making a connection with Leslie. (Sara Gilbert) Meanwhile, Sheldon frets over a change to his hamburger routine.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 1038
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7989
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Bear Truth
A relaxing getaway for two becomes an awkward vacation for three when Max, Caroline, and Andy spend a weekend together in a cabin in the woods.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7989
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Your Highness
Throughout history, tales of chivalry have burnished the legends of brave, handsome knights who rescue fair damsels, slay dragons and conquer evil. But behind many a hero is a good-for-nothing younger brother trying just to stay out of the way of those dragons, evil and trouble in general. Thadeous has spent his life watching his perfect older brother Fabious embark upon valiant journeys and win the hearts of his people. Tired of being passed over for adventure, adoration and the throne, he's settled for a life of wizard's weed, hard booze and easy maidens. But when Fabious' bride-to-be, Belladonna, gets kidnapped by the evil wizard Leezar, the king gives his deadbeat son an ultimatum: Man up and help rescue her or get cut off. Half-assedly embarking upon his first quest, Thadeous joins Fabious to trek across the perilous outlands and free the princess. Joined by Isabel--an elusive warrior with a dangerous agenda of her own--the brothers must vanquish horrific creatures and traitorous knights before they can reach Belladonna. If Thadeous can find his inner hero, he can help his brother prevent the destruction of his land.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Apartment, The
Cece moves into the loft; Jess must finish the school's budget by morning; Winston gets a new partner to avoid having to work side-by-side with Aly.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
D-Day
Jess agrees to lend Schmidt a hand when he takes over wedding planning after Cece gets an exciting job offer, but things take a bad turn when Schmidt's dad shows up. Meanwhile, Winston and Nick compete to determine who has the harder job.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
You Can't Miss
Fed up with his non-existent social life, Bud decides to go on a dating game for nerds. Everyone is surprised when the beautiful Candy chooses Bud for his date. Although the two don't hit it off, Bud is certain that Candy will choose him on next week's show to accompany her on a dream date to Bermuda. Bud is disappointed when she chooses the show's handsome Latin Lover, and returns to find, much to his surprise, a host of available and willing women waiting for him.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy and the Pirates
Peg whips out a trashy romance novel to try to help Seven fall asleep and, imagining herself as the beautiful Princess Scarlett, tells of being kidnapped by Captain Courage, who bears striking resemblance to Al. When Paco, her supposed savior, develops an interest in the androgynous Cabin Boy-Girl, Scarlett turns to Captain Courage, promising to be a loyal servant who will work to feed and clothe him.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, February 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
Go for the Old
At first depressed when a theater cashier mistakes him for a senior citizen, Al reconsiders and sees the benefits to getting a senior citizen discount card. Al enters the Chicago Area Senior Athletic Championships much to the embarrassment of his family. Placing fifteenth at the end of the first day's events, Al becomes inspired by the memory of his high school football career. He struggles into second place and after debating whether or not it would be fair to steal the title from an old guy, he catches a glimpse of the trophy and snatches the victory for himself.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Un-Alful Entry
When Al renders a burglar unconscious, he is dubbed a local hero for bravely defending his home. Trying to capitalize on his fame, Al proposes selling advertising space on his clothing. All plans are destroyed however, when he is notified the burglar is suing him for $50,000. Finally, with nothing left to lose, Al hits the burglar again hoping to reverse his losses by suing him for damage to his hand.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Movie Show
When the Bundy family is reminded that Kelly's birthday is coming up, Al seizes the opportunity to appear generous by offering to take her to the movies after Kelly's boyfriend, Frank, has already invited her out. Certain that Kelly would refuse, the Bundys are surprised when she cancels her date with Frank to join them. As they are settling into their seats at the theater, Kelly is shocked to find Frank out with another girl. Kelly confronts Frank about his unfaithfulness then sends Al over to beat him up.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
'Til Death Do Us Part
Peg's complaints about Al's lovemaking to the girls at the beauty parlor makes him the laughing stock of the town. Trying to pull him out of his depression, Peg spreads rumors that she was ravished by him. Despite her efforts, Al still feels inadequate until he has some old flames confirm his sexual prowess. Convinced that he was once a real stud, he works his way back into shape and finally impresses Peg with his revitalized sexual vigor.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tis Time to Smell the Roses
Convinced by Peg and the kids to take the $12,000 offered by his company for early retirement, Al is forced to take another job as a trainee at Homeplate Athletic Shoes when they start spending the nest egg at a rate that is sure to leave them broke. Al learns that three of his coworkers are planning to buy the store but, hoping to join them in the purchase, he misses out when Peg fails to wake him on time. Finally, Al decides to spend his last $6000 on the lottery, only to find that his coworkers are the big winners.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
Upon reporting that the family's dilapidated 1974 Dodge has been stolen, Al is furious to find out that the insurance will only give him $50 for the car, so he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things that were in the missing car's trunk. When the police show up and announce that they have found the old Dodge, Al insists that he is happier with his old car back, than he would be with the multi-million dollar settlement.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Deconstructing Carrie
As Carrie reluctantly approaches her 35th birthday, Doug bribes neighborhood construction workers to hoot and holler at her in order to make her feel younger.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Van, Go
Holly is upset when she learns Carrie was using her to have access to her van; Doug has an argument with a waitress who takes too long to deliver his food.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Black List
Doug is convinced he is being replaced when Deacon starts spending time with a new friend.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Catching Hell
Doug accidentally spills mayonnaise on one of Carrie's most important clients while at a Mets game.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Y Tu Junior Tambien
Junior marries a beautiful Mexican woman to prevent her deportation from the United States.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
There Goes El Neighborhood
Cleveland and Choni attempt to learn about each other's culture; Cleveland Jr. sets Cecilia up on a date with Tyler.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Independent Movie
Snot's father dies but Snot refuses to go to the funeral. Steve convinces Snot to take a road trip across the country to attend.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Faking Bad
When Hayley tries to go clubbing with her old friends she is turned away at the door because she doesn't have proper ID. Hayley convinces Steve to make a fake ID for her. The fake ID is so good that Hayley and Steve go into business together as counterfeiters.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Minstrel Krampus
When Steve starts acting like a spoiled brat during the holidays, Stan takes him to see his incarcerated Grandpa Jack, who tells him the story of how he caught Minstrel Krampus, a legendary demon who punishes naughty children on Christmas. Stan decides that releasing Krampus is the only way to straighten out Steve's attitude. But when Krampus kidnaps Steve, it's up to Stan and Roger to get him back. Meanwhile, Hayley gets a job at the airport, but quickly realizes that she might not be cut out for customer service.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Vision: Impossible
Roger gets into a serious car accident and wakes up from his coma to discover that he now has the ability to see the future. He uses this ability to rescue the Smith family from dangerous situations.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Secondhand Spoke
Peter discovers he can skip out of work by taking smoke breaks. He begins smoking to dodge other tasks and soon gets addicted. When he wakes up one day with sunken cheeks and gray skin, Lois pushes him to visit a smoking rehab clinic.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Herpe the Love Sore
Stewie is fascinated by the blood oath in The Outlaw Josey Wales and begs Brian to perform the same ritual with him. After some nagging, Brian finally relents. They cut their palms and firmly shake hands, thus becoming blood brothers. The next morning, Stewie wakes up to find his lip has broken out with herpes sores.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Sam, Again
Jess' application for a job at a new progressive school may be jeopardized after she learns the principal is dating her ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile, Nick takes ill so Schmidt quarantines the roommates to keep himself from getting sick before an important presentation.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
300 Feet
Jess sets out to clear her name after she receives a restraining order from a former boyfriend; Nick and Schmidt plot against the owner of a new bar.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits, The
Rachel convinces her sister (Christina Applegate) to baby-sit over Ross' protests; Joey writes a letter to an adoption agency on Monica and Chandler's behalf.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soul Mate, The
George suspects the foundation attorney believes he murdered Susan.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bizzaro Jerry, The
Elaine's soon-to-be former beau has two friends who resemble George and Kramer.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Little Kicks, The
Kramer's friend forces Jerry to perform an illegal activity.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Too Little Sleep
Max and Caroline enlist the gang from the diner to help them bake throughout the night in order to fulfill a giant cupcake order.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Psychic Shakedown
After discovering that Candy Andy closed up his shop following their breakup, Caroline visits a psychic for a reading about her future love life.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Middle Earth Paradigm, The
Penny hosts a Halloween party, putting Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz, and Koothrappali through a new test of their social skills.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Dumpling Paradox, The
With Wolowitz AWOL with one of her friends, Penny's recruited to fill in for him on the guys' Halo team.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Grasshopper Experiment, The
Raj's parents set him up on a blind date, and when he discovers he can talk to her, she shows interest in Sheldon.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization, The
When they're invited to present at a physics conference, Sheldon's reluctance to share the credit leads to a tiff between him and Leonard, and Penny's intervention only exacerbates the situation.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7990
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And Just Plane Magic
When Max scores tickets to a music awards show in Los Angeles, she and Caroline end up flying on a private jet with Grammy-nominated rapper 2 Chainz.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7990
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Fatigues, The
Jerry's new girlfriend has a mentor; Elaine must fire a troubled employee.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Duplex
In terms of living the American Dream, Alex and Nancy have it pretty good. They are a young, vibrant couple in New York City with bright futures ahead of them. But one thing is missing: a home of their own. When they find one, it comes with one feature they didn''t expect--an upstairs tenant, Mrs. Connelly, who lives in a rent-controlled apartment, and who isn''t quite as easy-going or frail as Alex and Nancy originally anticipated. As their blissful life begins to seriously fray around the edges, their dream home rapidly turns into a nightmare and they decide that they must get Mrs. Connelly out of their lives.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Jeff Day
Jess' plan to use a male alter ego to buy a new car from a sexist salesman backfires; Schmidt & Cece worry when Winston decides to bring his prankster girlfriend to their wedding.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Helmet
Jess admits to having a sex dream about Nick; Schmidt dogs a talent agent for pets, hoping to get Winston's cat Ferguson an audition.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Repercussions
Jimmy, the Bundy's cousin, is intent on killing the man who slept with his wife on their wedding day. Bud is worried that he will be identified as the culprit and is relieved when Jimmy enlists him to help find the guilty party. When Jimmy suspects Jefferson, Bud realizes he must admit his wrongdoing, only to find out that Jimmy is no longer interested, having found a new woman, Dee Anna. All is fine until Dee Anna tries to seduce Bud behind Jimmy's back.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Proposition, The
When Coco, a cosmetic millionairess and former girlfriend of Al's, arrives she makes an indecent proposal by offering Peggy $500,000 for one night with Al. Though both Peg and Al have reservations about the proposal, they agree to do it for the children. However, after actually seeing Al in bed with Coco, Peggy reneges on the deal and returns Coco's check.
TV-PG