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SCHEDULE: April 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Saturday, April 18

6:00 am
Married With Children
What I Did for Love
Peg tries everything in the book to renew Al's romantic interest in her -- up to and including promises of five-course meals.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Frat Chance
Desperate for a date, Bud founds his own community college fraternity in his garage.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Chicago Wine Party, The
With the elections coming up, Al convinces his family to register and vote for the first time in an effort to stop a proposed tax on beer. When the tax increase passes, Al leads an angry protest to overturn the bill.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Doesn't Live Here Anymore
When Al can't afford to pay the bills, he convinces Kelly to get a job. Finding employment as a waitress at a burger joint, Kelly realizes why mother Peg has never worked a day in her life.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Veiled Threat
A flashback shows Doug and Carrie's wedding day.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Double Downer
Doug spoils Carrie's plans for a romantic weekend when he organizes an outing to Atlantic City -- and his boss ends up joining them.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ovary Action
Holiday visitors interrupt Doug and Carrie's attempt to conceive.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he's quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
11:30 am
Movie
Replacements, The
Shane "Footsteps" Falco is a disillusioned football player who believes his dreams have all but dissipated. Once a red-hot All American prospect, Shane now regrets ever believing that the NFL would draft him. However, fate takes a strange twist for Shane when during the 1997 NFL season, a player's strike leaves the fields (and stadiums) empty, leaving team owners scrambling to fill uniforms as fast as possible. When the Washington Sentinels bring back the contentious and self-retired head coach Jimmy McGinty to seek out players who will play with their hearts rather than their wallets, he picks Shane to lead his mismatched crew of outsiders through the strike. To everyone's surprise, the ragtag team goes on an unprecedented winning streak as they discover in themselves the ability to hope for more than they ever thought possible...maybe even the playoffs, which has been denied to the Sentinels for seven years.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A single, suburban dad tries to make ends meet as a security officer at a New Jersey mall. It's a job he takes very seriously, though no one else does. When Santa's helpers at the mall stage a coup, shutting down the megaplex and taking hostages (Paul's daughter and sweetheart among them), Jersey's most formidable mall cop will have to become a real cop to save the day.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Emma Cries, The
Joey seeks forgiveness from Ross, while Rachel tries to quell Emma's incessant crying.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Pediatrician, The
Emma's pediatrician drops her as a patient because of Rachel's constant calls.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sharks, The
Monica fears Chandler has a sexual fetish involving sharks.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner, The
Famished Phoebe waits for tardy friends to arrive at her birthday dinner.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Fascinatin' Debra
When a radio psychologist (Mary Kay Adams) visits, Debra feels dull compared to the other Barones.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Why Are We Here?
Debra and Ray reminisce about life in their old apartment.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Ray's on TV
Well-meaning advice makes Ray nervous on camera.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Father Knows Least
When a radio psychologist (Mary Kay Adams) visits, Debra feels dull compared to the other Barones.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Durnins, The
It's Dani's birthday and everyone thinks Oliver is going to ruin it because he always ruins birthdays. Kelli buys Dani a psychic visit as a present. And Shawni (recurring guest star Collette Wolfe) becomes convinced she's adopted.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Competitive Pedigree
The Smiths show their competitive side when Gwen challenges Kenny to a footrace, and Malloy tries to learn the importance of sportsmanship.
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Turn This Car Around
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Everything Man
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Land of the Lost
Has-been scientist Dr. Rick Marshall, is a man with no weapons, few skills and questionable smarts who must survive an alternate universe full of marauding dinosaurs and fantastic creatures from beyond our world. Marshall has been sucked through a space-time vortex to a place of spectacular sights known as the Land of the Lost. Coming along with him for the adventure are crack-smart research assistant Holly and a redneck souvenirist named Will. Chased by a T. rex and stalked by painfully slow reptiles known as Sleestak, Marshall, Will and Holly must rely on their only ally-a primate called Chaka-to navigate out of the hybrid dimension. Escape from this routine expedition gone awry and they're her s. Get stuck, and they'll be permanent refugees in the Land of the Lost.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2023
Part one of a two-part "America's Funniest Home Videos" series -- "the 20 videos that changed the world!" - features the funniest and most unique videos the show has received in its two decades on television.
TV-G
 

Sunday, April 19

6:00 am
King of Queens, The
Food Fight
Carrie grows jealous when Spence's girlfriend (Christine Nelson) recruits Doug to test her culinary homework.
TV-PG
6:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dougie Nights
Doug starts club-hopping with newly single Deacon.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Male Nanny, The
Ross ridicules Rachel's choice of a male nanny (Freddie Prinze Jr.).
TV-PG
7:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Inappropriate Song, The
Chandler and Joey find a videotape while checking out Richard's apartment; Ross sings Emma an off-color lullaby.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Phone Number, The
Rachel impulsively gives her telephone number to a handsome guy but worries he will call when Ross is there.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work, The
Rachel crosses swords with her temporary replacement (Dermot Mulroney) at the shop; Phoebe wreaks havoc on the set of Joey's soap opera.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hangover Part II, The
Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug travel to exotic Thailand for Stu's wedding. With the memory of Doug's nearly disastrous bachelor party in Las Vegas still fresh-or at least well-documented-Stu is taking no chances. He has opted for a safe, subdued, pre-wedding trip brunch, with pancakes, coffee and no alcohol. However, things don't always go as planned. Two nights before the big day, at a fabulous resort in Thailand, Stu relents. One beer each. In sealed bottles. What could go wrong? What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Bangkok can't even be imagined.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the na´ve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family's political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam's reelection.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it's more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it's war.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Campaign, The
When congressman Cam Brady commits a major, public faux pas before an election, two wealthy CEOs see an opportunity to gain influence over their North Carolina district by putting up their own candidate for the job. Their man is Marty Huggins, the na´ve director of the local tourism center. At first, Marty is an improbable candidate, but with the help of his backers, a ruthless campaign manager and his family's political connections, he soon becomes a real threat to Cam's reelection.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Rock of Ages
When Al wins a trip to Hawaii, he poses as an aging rock star to get into the first class lounge. Inside the airport lounge, he meets rock heroes John Sebastian, Peter Noone, Mark Lindsay, Robby Krieger, Richie Havens and Spencer Davis. Mistaking him for a fellow rocker, the musicians convince Al to perform with them at a benefit.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Death of a Shoe Salesman
While shopping for a burial plot for the family, Al and Peg discover they don't have enough money, so they have to be buried in the same casket.
TV-PG
 

Monday, April 20

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff's New Friend
As Jeff expands his social network by becoming friends with a guy from his gym, Brad, he's quickly convinced by Audrey and Adam that Brad's gay! Meanwhile, Russell's hot young date may be too close for comfort as he realizes events from his past may present themselves now and change his life forever.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Old College Try
Bud's big plans to move into his college dorm are destroyed when Al and Peg manage to get their hands on his scholarship money and go on a shopping spree. Broke and dormless, Bud is forced back into the Bundy household.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Christmas
Al does his yearly pre-Christmas inspection of the family and can find they've done nothing wrong, which means he has to buy them presents, but he has to take a job as a Department Store Santa to pay for the gifts.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Wedding Show, The
As the Bundys prepare to attend their cousin Jimmy's wedding, everything begins to go wrong. Al can't find his suit, Peg can't get her make-up right, Kelly and the bridesmaids think they have on the wrong dresses and Bud gets caught with the bride.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Al takes a fishing trip alone, only to have Peg and Marcy show up and spoil his vacation.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Heels on Wheels
Kelly buys a motorcycle to put some fun back into her life, but disaster strikes when Al decides to take the bike out for a spin.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Mr. Empty Pants
Peggy's unflattering cartoon makes Al a reluctant celebrity.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Bourne Supremacy, The
Two years ago, Jason Bourne thought he had walked away from his past. But now, his past is about to return. Bourne and Marie have maintained their anonymous, underground existence at the cost of permanence. Fueled by splintered nightmares and haunted by the past he cannot remember, Bourne moves Marie from city to city, trying to remain one step ahead of the threat implicit in every unexplained stranger's glance, every "wrong number" phone call--that at any second, without any warning, he might get pulled back into the world he hopes he left behind. When an operative appears in the sleepy village that has been their latest home, Bourne and Marie collapse their lives and head out. His past at the door, their only chance now is to run. But once a line is crossed and the stakes in a new global game of cat-and-mouse are raised, the Jason Bourne created by Treadstone--the covert, now dismantled operation that spawned cold-blooded, professional assassins--returns. Two years ago, Bourne walked away from the deadly world that created him with a promise of retaliation should anyone attempt contact. Now that that world has indeed come calling, Bourne intends to keep his word. They should have left him alone.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Die Semi-Hard
As Christmas approaches, Cleveland tells the family his version of the original "Die Hard."
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Office Spaceman
When the CIA initiates an Alien Task Force, a peculiar twist of fate puts disguised Roger in charge. Roger marks Stan as an alien to protect his own identity. Meanwhile, Francine comes to grips with being left-handed.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold
After officially being declared dead due to an accident, Stan comes back to life and realizes he dreams of leaving a legacy on the world. He excavates his home in search of Ollie North's Contra-band buried treasure.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Spring Break-Up
With Francine gone to visit her parents, Roger holds a Spring Break blowout at the Smith house. During the festivities, Stan falls for a "Spring Break Buddy" and Steve is on the verge of losing his virginity.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
1600 Candles
In this Emmy-nominated episode, the Smiths' plans to celebrate Roger's 1,600th birthday are sidetracked when Steve announces that he's finally going through puberty. Ever fearful of the thought of a Steve with raging hormones, Stan and Francine try to bypass the pains by having experimental medicine injected into Steve's head.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
PTV
Peter broadcasts a television station out of the Griffin home.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
No Orleans
Doug and Carrie sneak off to New Orleans without Doug's cousins.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Missing Links
Doug and Carrie search for a compatible couple to take with them to the firm's annual golf outing.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hero Worship
Doug's uncle (Gavin MacLeod) offers to back financially his desire to open a sandwich shop.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Rats, The
Monica invites Rachel's workplace rival (Dermot Mulroney) to her birthday party; Joey flirts with Emma's new nanny (Melissa George); Phoebe and Mike (Paul Rudd) take care of a litter of rats.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Monica Sings, The
Monica exults in the applause she receives on karaoke night, unaware that the cheering audience can see through her blouse.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blind Dates, The
Joey and Phoebe conspire to send Rachel and Ross on disastrous blind dates.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Mugging, The
Joey stumbles upon a way to impress a famous actor (Jeff Goldblum) during an audition; Ross learns the identity of a long-ago mugger; Chandler accepts an internship at a shoe company.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Ex-Girlfriend, The
George puzzles over how to dump a domineering girlfriend.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pony Remark, The
Jerry thinks his off-the-cuff remark killed a woman.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Busboy, The
A busboy loses his job and his cat because of George.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Baby Shower, The
Kramer persuades Jerry to get illegal cable service; guest Christine Dunford.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Play
Brian's dreams come true when he writes a play and it's a hit...but his happiness evaporates when Stewie writes a better play in one night.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Giggity Wife, The
After accidentally marrying a prostitute, Quagmire pretends to be gay to end the relationship.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan's honeymoon with his wife, Sexpun Tocome, is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5665
Guests: Dick Van Dyke, Jenny Slate, Vance Joy.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Valentine's Day
Michael must visit corporate headquarters in New York on Valentine's Day.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5665
Guests: Dick Van Dyke, Jenny Slate, Vance Joy.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Wake Up Time
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Bourne Supremacy, The
Two years ago, Jason Bourne thought he had walked away from his past. But now, his past is about to return. Bourne and Marie have maintained their anonymous, underground existence at the cost of permanence. Fueled by splintered nightmares and haunted by the past he cannot remember, Bourne moves Marie from city to city, trying to remain one step ahead of the threat implicit in every unexplained stranger's glance, every "wrong number" phone call--that at any second, without any warning, he might get pulled back into the world he hopes he left behind. When an operative appears in the sleepy village that has been their latest home, Bourne and Marie collapse their lives and head out. His past at the door, their only chance now is to run. But once a line is crossed and the stakes in a new global game of cat-and-mouse are raised, the Jason Bourne created by Treadstone--the covert, now dismantled operation that spawned cold-blooded, professional assassins--returns. Two years ago, Bourne walked away from the deadly world that created him with a promise of retaliation should anyone attempt contact. Now that that world has indeed come calling, Bourne intends to keep his word. They should have left him alone.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Time Machine, The
Scientist and inventor Alexander Hartdegen is determined to prove that time travel is possible. His determination is turned to desperation by a personal tragedy that now drives him to want to change the past. Testing his theories with a time machine of his own invention, Hartdegen is hurtled 800,000 years into the future. There he finds a post-apocalyptic world where he discovers that mankind has been divided into the hunter... and the hunted.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, April 21

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Dad's Visit
Things get a bit burdensome for Jeff and Audrey when a simple visit from Jeff's father turns into a nightmare after he sprains his ankle and decides to sue them for his injury. Meanwhile, Jennifer and Adam butt heads when she disagrees with how his boss, Russell, treats him more like a servant than an employee. As usual, Russell's "hit it and quit it" ways are challenged when a one-night stand decides to extend her stay.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
You Can't Miss
Bud goes on a dating game for "nerds."
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy and the Pirates
While reading a romance novel, Peg fantasizes that she is a lady in distress and Al is the pirate who saves her.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Go for the Old
Al becomes obsessed with his age after a theater cashier gives him a senior citizen's discount.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Dark Knight, The
With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as the Joker, who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Y Tu Junior Tambien
Junior marries a beautiful Mexican woman to prevent her deportation from the United States.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
One That Got Away, The
Roger discovers that one of his personas has taken on a life of his own. Back at home, the Smith family becomes addicted to the 1970s electronic game "Simon."
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
One Little Word
When Stan becomes his boss' new advisor, he feels like he can't say no to anything, not even outrageous personal requests. But when Francine gets involved in the situation and his annoying "yes-man" antics ruin her Valentine's Day vacation, she does everything in her power to force him to say "no".
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Choosey Wives Choose Smith
Stan becomes jealous when he finds out Francine was once engaged to a pilot whose plane crashed, and that she seemed to settle for Stan before learning that her former fiancÚ was still alive. Stan and Roger try to track the man down, while Francine must choose between her husband and her lost love.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Escape from Pearl Bailey
Steve plots revenge against Lisa Silver and the cool kids after Debbie loses her bid to become student council president. But when the cool kids stage a counterattack, will Steve and his friends survive
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Goes Back to College
After writing a story for a local magazine, Brian gets a job at The New Yorker.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Screwed Driver
Doug's parents take over the house when Carrie goes on a business trip.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Lush Life
Doug tries to get Carrie inebriated so he can cheat on his diet.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Patrons Ain't
When their accountant makes them feel guilty about their lack of charitable donations, Doug and Carrie decide to make a large donation to a school library.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boob Job, The
Both Monica and Chandler secretly approach Joey for a loan; Phoebe invites Mike (Paul Rudd) to move in with her; Rachel baby-proofs the apartment.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Memorial Service, The
Ross and Chandler trade barbed insults on their alma mater's Web site.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lottery, The
The gang buys scads of lottery tickets for the multimillion-dollar jackpot.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Dream, The
Rachel's visit to a soap opera set inspires her to dream about Joey; Chandler takes Ross on a weekend getaway after Monica cannot take time off from work.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Jacket, The
Jerry loves an expensive suede jacket until he buys it.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chinese Restaurant, The
Jerry, Elaine and George need reservations at a Chinese restaurant.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Phone Message, The
George regrets a nasty message he put on a date's answering machine.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Apartment, The
Jerry regrets encouraging Elaine to move into his building.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Couch, The
Ricky plans on throwing out Oliver's childhood couch but both he and Jason are ready to fight for it. Claire panics when Louis brings home a piece of art that features her in the nude.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5667
Guests: Orlando Bloom, John C. McGinley, Sebastian Maniscalco.
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Couch, The
Ricky plans on throwing out Oliver's childhood couch but both he and Jason are ready to fight for it. Claire panics when Louis brings home a piece of art that features her in the nude.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5667
Guests: Orlando Bloom, John C. McGinley, Sebastian Maniscalco.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Letting You Go
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Final Destination 5
Death is just as omnipresent as ever, first revealing its menacing reality to a group of coworkers headed for a corporate retreat. During the bus ride, Sam has a premonition in which he and most of his friends, as well as numerous others, die in a horrific bridge collapse. When his vision ends, events begin to mirror what he had seen, and he frantically ushers as many of his colleagues-including his friend, Peter, and girlfriend, Molly-away from the disaster before Death can claim them. But these unsuspecting souls were never supposed to survive and, in a terrifying race against time, the ill-fated group tries to discover a way to escape Death's sinister agenda.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Daredevil
He dwells in a world of external night--but the blackness is filled with sounds and scents, tastes and textures that most cannot perceive. Although attorney Matt Murdock is blind, his other four senses function with superhuman sharpness. By day, Murdock represents the downtrodden. At night he is Daredevil, a masked vigilante stalking the dark streets of the city, a relentless avenger of justice. For Daredevil justice is blind--and for the guilty, there's hell to pay.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, April 22

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Lyin' King
Things quickly get complicated when Audrey and Jeff decide to ditch a dinner date with Jennifer and Adam in order to attend Brad and Jackie's exclusive, celebrity-packed party. When Jenifer and Adam end up at the same party, Jeff and Audrey's lies begin to snowball and it becomes obvious that the truth is catching up to them. Meanwhile,Russell's womanizing ways get him in trouble at the same venue when he hits on the girlfriend of a NFL great. In order to get out of this messy situation, Russell makes Timmy more than just his personal assistant, which proves to be a bit too close for comfort for Timmy.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Un-Alful Entry
Al becomes a local hero when he stands up to a burglar.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Movie Show
Kelly gets an unpleasant surprise when the family takes her to a movie on her birthday.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
'Til Death Do Us Part
When Peg complains about Al's lovemaking to the girls at the beauty parlor, he becomes the laughingstock of the town.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tis Time to Smell the Roses
Peg spends all of Al's early retirement money and forces him to go back to work.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Matrix, The
Neo is a young software engineer and part-time hacker who is singled out by some mysterious figures who want to introduce him into the secret of 'the matrix'. The cops also seem to be after him, and he takes a chance on discovering what he has always suspected: that the world is not quite what it seems to be and a sinister conspiracy is at work.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
There Goes El Neighborhood
Cleveland and Choni attempt to learn about each other's culture; Cleveland Jr. sets Cecilia up on a date with Tyler.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Pulling Double Booty
Hayley's boyfriend, Jeff, breaks up with her. After going on a short rampage through the mall after the break-up, Hayley falls for Stan's body double, Bill, from the CIA. Things take a bizarre twist when the double begins hitting on Francine. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve get their first summer job at a Chinese chicken hatchery.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Phantom of the Telethon
Stan hosts a CIA telethon to raise a million dollars for their torture programs. Meanwhile, an angry Roger works to sabotage the event. When Roger releases a terrorist at the telethon, Stan must find a way to meet the telethon's goal before everyone is blown up.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Chimdale
Roger, Francine, Hayley, and Klaus head off to the Chimdale Spa for a week of relaxation, but instead are hounded by nosey hotel detective, Ron Turlington. Back at home, Steve discovers that Stan is bald. Betrayed by Stan's deception, Steve steals Stan's wig and sneaks off to Chimdale to tell the family the truth.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stan Time
Fed up with a lack of alone time, Stan starts taking experimental CIA pills that allow him to remain fully awake 24/7. Using his new-found "Stan Time," Stan enters the world of competitive classic videogaming. When Francine discovers Stan's pills, she starts off on her own career. As Stan and Francine begin to drift apart, Stan must decide what's more important - "Stan Time" or family time. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger write a movie together.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Courtship of Stewie's Father, The
Stewie steps up his efforts to kill Lois, who orders Peter to spend more time with him.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Bun Dummy
Doug tries to find a tactful way of telling Carrie he does not like her new hairstyle.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Shrink Wrap
Carrie and Doug send Arthur to a psychiatrist (William Hurt), to whom he reveals his relationship with his father (Ben Stiller).
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Eddie Money
Doug tries to keep secret from Carrie $5,000 he won in a gambling pool.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Soap Opera Party, The
Ross invites an attractive paleontologist (Aisha Tyler) to a rooftop ``Days of Our Lives'' party being thrown by Joey.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 1), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Barbados (Part 2), The
The gang heads to Barbados for a paleontology convention where Ross is the keynote speaker; David (Hank Azaria) prepares to propose to Phoebe, but ex-boyfriend Mike (Paul Rudd) is not yet out of the picture.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stranded, The
Waiting for a ride, Jerry and Elaine keep a party's host up late.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Statue, The
Jerry thinks a friend stole his statue, but doesn't know how to get it back.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Heart Attack, The
George thinks he's having a heart attack.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Revenge, The
George seeks revenge on his ex-boss for not rehiring him.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fat Guy Strangler
Lois learns she has a brother she has never met (Robert Downey Jr.), so she brings him home from a mental institution to live with her family.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5671
Guests: Nicole Kidman, Maggie Grace, Aloe Blacc
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Dwight's Speech
When Dwight, who has a fear of public speaking, is asked to give a speech at a sales convention, he turns to Michael for help.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5671
Guests: Nicole Kidman, Maggie Grace, Aloe Blacc
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Feel a Whole Lot Better
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Matrix, The
Neo is a young software engineer and part-time hacker who is singled out by some mysterious figures who want to introduce him into the secret of 'the matrix'. The cops also seem to be after him, and he takes a chance on discovering what he has always suspected: that the world is not quite what it seems to be and a sinister conspiracy is at work.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2104
Electrical shocks and "so you think you know videos"
TV-G
 

Thursday, April 23

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Poaching Timmy
When Audrey's ongoing problems with her assistant Tanya becomes too much for her to stand, Russell's new assistant Timmy looks like the perfect replacement. Meanwhile, Jeff's superstitions gets the best of him as he tries to recreate the day his favorite football team won.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Old Insurance Dodge
When Al's Dodge is stolen, he learns it is only worth $100, and he decides to add a few priceless items to the list of things missing from his trunk.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Wedding Repercussions
When Jimmy, the Bundy's relative, learns that his new bride slept with someone the day of their wedding, his temper explodes and a guilty Bud runs for cover.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Proposition, The
Coco, a cosmetic millionairess and former girlfriend of Al's, makes a truly indecent proposal by offering Peggy $500,000 for one night of passion with Al.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket?, A
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Matrix Reloaded, The
In this second chapter of the "Matrix" trilogy, Neo assumes greater command of his extraordinary powers as Zion falls under siege to the Machine Army. Only a matter of hours separates the last human enclave on Earth from 250,000 Sentinels programmed to destroy mankind. But the citizens of Zion, emboldened by Morpheus' conviction that the One will fulfill the Oracle's Prophecy and end the war with the Machines, rest all manner of hope and expectation on Neo, who finds himself stalled by disturbing visions as he searches for a course of action. Strengthened by their love for each other and their belief in themselves, Neo and Trinity choose to return to the Matrix with Morpheus and unleash their arsenal of extraordinary skills and weaponry against the systematic forces of repression and exploitation. But there exist powerful figures within the Matrix who refute the artifice of choice, evading the responsibility it brings as they feed on the emotional truths of others. Meanwhile, there are exiles like Agent Smith, whose inexorable connection to Neo compels him to disobey the system that has called for his deletion. Driven by the humanity he once despised, Smith will consume everything in his path on his quest for revenge. On his treacherous journey toward further insight into the construct of the Matrix and his pivotal role in the fate of mankind, Neo will confront greater resistance, an even greater truth and a more impossible choice than he ever imagined. At the confluence of love and truth, faith and knowledge, purpose and reason, Neo must follow the course he has chosen.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Dancing with the Stools
Donna chooses Junior to be her partner in an upcoming ballroom dance competition; Roberta volunteers to babysit Rallo so she can spend more time with Federline.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Family Affair
Roger is on the outs with Stan and the family when they discover he has been seeing other families behind their back. Before they can truly forgive him, Roger must overcome his family infidelity. Meanwhile, Klaus buys everyone tickets to see his favorite band.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Live and Let Fry
Stan turns to smuggling when trans fat is banned from Langley Falls. But when Inspector Turlington of the Langley Falls police becomes suspicious of Stan, Stan recruits Steve into his illegal enterprise. Now Steve must find a way to keep the trans fat flowing while under Turlington's watch. Meanwhile, Roger helps Klaus claim an inheritance.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Roy Rodgers McFreely
After term limits force Stan out of his position as president of the HOA, Roger steps in as the new leader under the guise of one Roy Rogers McFreely. Roger uses his power to pass new resolutions and by-laws solely to anger Stan, who earlier refused to buy Roger grenadine. Stan teams up with Hayley and plots to have Roger removed from office.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Jack's Back
When Stan's con-man dad Jack resurfaces in prison awaiting trial for a crime he did not commit, Steve gets Stan to let Jack stay with them under house arrest. Steve takes the opportunity to reconcile the two, but Stan is convinced that Jack is just using them to escape prison. Meanwhile, Hayley interns at Roger's attic bar.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Father, The Son and the Holy Fonz, The
When Peter's dad visits the Griffins, he tries to impose his religious beliefs on the family.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Two Thirty
When Doug goes to Dr. Farber (Tim Matheson) for a root canal, he finds out Carrie used have a major crush on the dentist.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Vocal Discord
Carrie and Doug decide marriage counseling is in order and turn to their neighbor for help, but his techniques only make things worse.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Like Hell
Doug tries to impress new driver Jared when he learns he was the only one at IPS not invited to Jared's barbecue.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Donor, The
Monica and Chandler interview unsuspecting candidates, hoping to find the right man to father their baby.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Apothecary Table, The
Joey finally dates Janine (ELLE MACPHERSON), but she doesn't like his friends. Rachel worries that Phoebe won't appreciate the way she furnishes their apartment
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With The Joke, The
Ross and Chandler bicker over which of them created a raunchy joke. Phoebe antagonizes Monica and Rachel with her candor. Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Sister (Part 1), The
Rachel tries to help her pampered younger sister, Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON), find independence, but Jill flirting with Ross is not part of the plan. Monica won't admit that she is sick.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Deal, The
Jerry and Elaine mull intimacy but without commitment.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Trip, The (Part I)
Jerry and George search for Kramer in Los Angeles; George Wendt; Corbin Bernsen; Elmarie Wendel.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Trip, The (Part 2)
Jerry and George try to save Kramer from a serial-murder accusation; guest Clint Howard.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Movie, The
Jerry tries to coordinate two comedy appearances and a movie with friends; guest Tom La Grua.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Sings and Swings
A near-death experience lands Brian in the hospital but infuses him with a new passion for life.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Patriot Games
At his high school reunion, Peter pretends to be a millionaire, but the truth comes out when he meets Tom Brady and loses all self-control.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Take Thee, Quagmire
When Peter goes on a television game show and wins a maid for a week, Quagmire becomes smitten with her and ends up popping the question.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Sibling Rivalry
After a pregnancy scare, Peter reluctantly agrees to get a vasectomy.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5674
Guests: Sir Patrick Stewart, Niecy Nash, Simon Amstell
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Take Your Daughter to Work Day
Michael strikes up a friendship with the 5-year-old daughter of his enemy when children visit the office.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5674
Guests: Sir Patrick Stewart, Niecy Nash, Simon Amstell
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Breakdown
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Matrix Reloaded, The
In this second chapter of the "Matrix" trilogy, Neo assumes greater command of his extraordinary powers as Zion falls under siege to the Machine Army. Only a matter of hours separates the last human enclave on Earth from 250,000 Sentinels programmed to destroy mankind. But the citizens of Zion, emboldened by Morpheus' conviction that the One will fulfill the Oracle's Prophecy and end the war with the Machines, rest all manner of hope and expectation on Neo, who finds himself stalled by disturbing visions as he searches for a course of action. Strengthened by their love for each other and their belief in themselves, Neo and Trinity choose to return to the Matrix with Morpheus and unleash their arsenal of extraordinary skills and weaponry against the systematic forces of repression and exploitation. But there exist powerful figures within the Matrix who refute the artifice of choice, evading the responsibility it brings as they feed on the emotional truths of others. Meanwhile, there are exiles like Agent Smith, whose inexorable connection to Neo compels him to disobey the system that has called for his deletion. Driven by the humanity he once despised, Smith will consume everything in his path on his quest for revenge. On his treacherous journey toward further insight into the construct of the Matrix and his pivotal role in the fate of mankind, Neo will confront greater resistance, an even greater truth and a more impossible choice than he ever imagined. At the confluence of love and truth, faith and knowledge, purpose and reason, Neo must follow the course he has chosen.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2105
State spotlight: Florida and worth another look
TV-G
 

Friday, April 24

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Old Timer's Day
When Jeff throws out his back after sneezing during his league baseball game, everyone starts to make fun of him being old and bent out of shape, especially his new friend Brad. Meanwhile, Jennifer decides to get off "the pill," which leaves her in bad mood and Adam in the line of fire. Meanwhile, Russell convinces Jeff that he's not old and he should not let his team replace him with a younger player!
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Hood 'n the Boyz
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Proud to Be Your Bud?
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Luck of the Bundys
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Banking on Marcy
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Matrix Revolutions, The
In the third installment, the epic war between man and machine reaches a thundering crescendo: the Zion military, aided by courageous civilian volunteers like Zee and the Kid, desperately battles to hold back the Sentinel invasion as the Machine army bores into their stronghold. Facing total annihilation, the citizens of the last bastion of humanity fight not only for their own lives, but for the future of mankind itself. But an unknown element poisons the ranks from within: the rogue program Smith has cunningly hijacked Bane, a member of the hovercraft fleet. Growing more powerful with each passing second, Smith is beyond even the control of the Machines and now threatens to destroy their empire along with the real world and the Matrix. The Oracle offers Neo her final words of guidance, which he accepts with the knowledge that she is a program and her words could be just another layer of falsehood in the grand scheme of the Matrix. With the aid of Niobe, Neo and Trinity choose to travel farther than any human has ever dared to go - a treacherous journey above ground, across the scorched surface of the earth and into the heart of the menacing Machine City. In this vast mechanized metropolis, Neo comes face to face with the ultimate power in the Machine world--the Deus Ex Machina--and strikes a bargain that is the only hope for a dying world. The war will end tonight, with Neo's destiny and the fate of two civilizations inexorably tied to the outcome of his cataclysmic confrontation with Smith.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brown Magic
Cleveland and Rallo's "ventriloquist" act is a big hit - until Rallo tires of Cleveland taking all the credit for its success.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Bar Mitzvah Shuffle
When snobby rich kid Etan steals Steve's girlfriend Debbie, Steve concocts a scheme to get revenge. Aided by Roger, Toshi, and Barry, Steve plots to rob Etan's Bar Mitzvah and get back his girlfriend. But when the plan goes awry and Snot takes the blame, Steve must decide whether to tell the truth and clear Snot's name or remain silent and get back Debbie. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine pitch an idea to a cell phone company.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Wife Insurance
Stan reveals to Francine that, in the case she should die, he has a backup wife. Enraged with Stan, Francine takes Jim, one of Stan's CIA buddies, as her backup husband. Jealous, Stan breaks it off with his backup and tells Jim to break it off with Francine. However, Jim confesses that he is in love with Francine and attempts to kill Stan. Now Stan must stop Jim from killing him and taking Francine. Meanwhile Wheels and the Legman (Steve and Roger's detective personae) are on the case trying to find Hayley's lost iPod Shuffle.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
DeLorean Story-An
Frustrated with their lack of common interests, Steve and Stan attempt to bond while on a cross-country trip to find a door for Stan's nearly complete DeLorean. Meanwhile, Roger, Francine, and Hayley brainstorm ideas for an adventure to have while Stan and Steve are gone.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Every Which Way But Lose
Stan volunteers to coach Steve's junior football team and cuts Steve when he sees how terrible Steve is. Furious with his father, Steve enlists Roger to coach a new football team in an attempt to beat Stan's team and make Stan cry. When Steve and Roger succeed, Stan goes home not to cry, but to kill himself. Now Steve must teach Stan how to lose without wanting to kill himself. Meanwhile, Francine and Hayley compete in a pie baking contest.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Deep Throats
When Meg lands an internship with Mayor West, Brian argues that he is corrupt; a local talent show brings Peter and Lois back to their folk-singing days.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Consummate Professional
Carrie learns that in the beginning of their relationship Doug lied to her about getting a job at IPS so she would sleep with him.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Pole Lox
Doug convinces Carrie to take pole dancing lessons but is disappointed when she puts on a show for him.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Sandwiched Out
The guys' neighborhood restaurant names a new sandwich after Deacon, so Doug determines to get some kind of food named after himself.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Cry (Part 2), The
Rachel's sister Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON) wants Ross, but not for the reasons he thinks. Chandler astounds the others with his inability to express emotions. Is Phoebe starring in pornography LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 1), The
The friends ponder what might have come to pass if each had taken a different path in life.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 2), The
In the speculative fantasy, Ross initiates romantic advances with his wife Carol (JANE SIBBETT); Chandler and Monica help each other overcome loneliness; Rachel learns the truth about her husband; and Phoebe sneaks out of the hospital.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Unagi, The
Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Ross tries to teach martial arts to Rachel and Phoebe. Joey hires a look-alike.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pitch, The (Part 1)
Network executives ask Jerry to create a show; Jerry tries to evade a vengeful writer; George woos an executive; guest Heidi Swedberg.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Ticket, The (Part 2)
Jerry tries to evade a vengeful writer; George woos an executive.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wallet, The (Part I)
Jerry tries to explain the absence of a watch his parents gave him.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Watch, The (Part 2)
Jerry tries to buy back a discarded watch, a gift from his parents.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Meet The Smiths
Letting Go
Kenny struggles with Monique's newfound college freedom, while London struggles to let go of her prized possession...the pacifier.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Helen McCarter has seemingly had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter. Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. They wear the latest fashions, drive the nicest cars, have all the possessions they need, and they live on an expansive estate complete with an extravagant mansion, swimming pool, tennis court and all the trappings of wealth--a little piece of paradise away from the city. However, on the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen's paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce. He abruptly and literally tosses Helen out of the mansion to make room for the other woman. With all of her possessions packed in a moving van, Helen starts on her journey to put the pieces of her life back together. Through the assistance of her friends, family, faith, and a twist of fate, Helen finds the strength and empowerment she needs to get control of her circumstances. She also finds that the tragic events of her life soon become comic, especially with the guidance and help-- mostly unsolicited, by the way--of her pot-smoking, gun-toting, and much beloved, grandmother figure Madea.
TV-14
12:00 am
Meet The Smiths
Letting Go
Kenny struggles with Monique's newfound college freedom, while London struggles to let go of her prized possession...the pacifier.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Movie
Cop Out
Two longtime NYPD partners on the trail of a stolen, rare, mint-condition baseball card find themselves up against a merciless, memorabilia-obsessed gangster. But before they can recover the prized `52 Pafko, they must first rescue a Mexican beauty who holds the key to millions of dollars in off-shore bank accounts-and who has already witnessed one high-profile murder because of them. Veteran detective Jimmy Monr needs to cash in on his perfect Pafko in order to pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding, but in the tradition of everything that can go wrong--it's pilfered before he has a chance to collect. Paul Hodges is Jimmy's partner-against-crime, whose preoccupation with his wife's alleged infidelity makes it hard for him to keep his eye on the ball, or his mind on the crime. Already in trouble and with nothing left to lose, Jimmy and Paul will have to break all the rules-including enlisting the aid of stoner thief Dave, who's working Paul's last nerve as Paul and Jimmy try to work the case.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Matrix Revolutions, The
In the third installment, the epic war between man and machine reaches a thundering crescendo: the Zion military, aided by courageous civilian volunteers like Zee and the Kid, desperately battles to hold back the Sentinel invasion as the Machine army bores into their stronghold. Facing total annihilation, the citizens of the last bastion of humanity fight not only for their own lives, but for the future of mankind itself. But an unknown element poisons the ranks from within: the rogue program Smith has cunningly hijacked Bane, a member of the hovercraft fleet. Growing more powerful with each passing second, Smith is beyond even the control of the Machines and now threatens to destroy their empire along with the real world and the Matrix. The Oracle offers Neo her final words of guidance, which he accepts with the knowledge that she is a program and her words could be just another layer of falsehood in the grand scheme of the Matrix. With the aid of Niobe, Neo and Trinity choose to travel farther than any human has ever dared to go - a treacherous journey above ground, across the scorched surface of the earth and into the heart of the menacing Machine City. In this vast mechanized metropolis, Neo comes face to face with the ultimate power in the Machine world--the Deus Ex Machina--and strikes a bargain that is the only hope for a dying world. The war will end tonight, with Neo's destiny and the fate of two civilizations inexorably tied to the outcome of his cataclysmic confrontation with Smith.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
No Chicken, No Check
TV-PG
 

Saturday, April 25

6:00 am
Married With Children
Take My Wife, Please
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Scared Single
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
NO MA'AM
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Dances with Weezy
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Shear Torture
Carrie discovers that Doug's frequent trips to the hair salon are due to his attractive new hairstylist.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Inn Escapable
Doug and Carrie's romantic getaway is a nightmare when the owners of the bed-and-breakfast become too much to take.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fresh Brood
When Doug is not allowed to hold Danny's girlfriend's baby, Doug tries to convince Carrie to have a child so he can get back at Danny.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
G'Night Stalker
Doug lets the attention go to his head when he starts getting fan mail from someone who saw his performance at a karaoke club.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Dark Knight, The
With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as the Joker, who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Dates a Student, The
When a fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe must choose between living temporarily with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble where he teaches.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Joey and Rachel Kiss, The
In Barbados, Monica, Chandler and Phoebe eavesdrop on their friends' passionate encounters; Monica styles her hair to look like a blowfish; Phoebe and Mike rekindle their romance.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Is Fine, The
Ross drinks too much alcohol at dinner with Rachel, Joey and Charlie; Frank Jr. (Giovanni Ribisi) cannot cope with his precocious triplets.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Tan, The
Rachel and Joey nervously anticipate their first real date; Monica and Phoebe try to avoid an obnoxious friend (Jennifer Coolidge) with a fake British accent; Ross emerges from a tanning booth with a two-toned appearance.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Brother
Ray's brotherly gesture works a little too well.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Golf
Debra vows to get even after Ray gets laughs at her expense.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Mozart
As an example for Ally, Ray takes piano lessons from Marie.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Anniversary
Ray blames himself for his parents' long, miserable marriage.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Couch, The
Ricky plans on throwing out Oliver's childhood couch but both he and Jason are ready to fight for it. Claire panics when Louis brings home a piece of art that features her in the nude.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Letting Go
Kenny struggles with Monique's newfound college freedom, while London struggles to let go of her prized possession...the pacifier.
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Finding Out
TV-PG
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
All Mixed Up
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Dark Knight, The
With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to destroy organized crime in Gotham for good. The triumvirate proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a rising criminal mastermind known as the Joker, who thrusts Gotham into anarchy and forces the Dark Knight ever closer to crossing the fine line between hero and vigilante.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2106
Halloween and 28 monsters in 39 seconds
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Change for a Buck
TV-PG
 

Sunday, April 26

6:00 am
Married With Children
Little off the Top, A
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Worst Noel, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
King of Queens, The
Move Doubt
Doug and Carrie are confused when Deacon and Kelly are not interested in buying the house next door to theirs.
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Gambling N' Diction
Doug tries to capitalize on his mother's poker skills by having her help him win a high-stakes tournament.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cake, The
An X-rated cake is delivered to Emma's first birthday party.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits, The
Rachel convinces her sister (Christina Applegate) to baby-sit over Ross' protests; Joey writes a letter to an adoption agency on Monica and Chandler's behalf.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Grant, The
When Ross interviews with Charlie's ex-boyfriend (Greg Kinnear) for a prized grant, the doctor makes a shocking stipulation; Chandler lies about watching Joey's bizarre audition tape.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Home Study, The
Monica and Chandler fuss over their apartment as they expect a visit from the adoption worker (Maria Pitillo); Phoebe and Mike opt for a small wedding and donate the extra money to a children's charity.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Just Married
Tom is a sports announcer who comes from blue collar roots. Sarah is a writer whose family is as wealthy as it is snobbish. Much to her family's--and ex-boyfriend's--horror, Sarah and Tom fall in love and get married. Following their wedding, Tom and Sarah set off for what they expect to be the perfect honeymoon; however, thanks to her conspiring family and vindictive ex, the happy couple experiences the honeymoon from hell.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Something Borrowed
Rachel is a talented attorney at a top New York law firm, a generous and loyal friend and, unhappily, still single as her engaged best friend Darcy is constantly reminding her. But after one drink too many at her 30th birthday party, perpetual good girl Rachel unexpectedly ends up in bed with the guy she's had a crush on since law school, Dex, who just happens to be Darcy's fiancÚ. When Rachel and Darcy's lifelong friendship collides with true love, it leads to unexpected complications and potentially explosive romantic revelations. Meanwhile, Ethan, who has been Rachel's constant confidante and sometimes conscience, has been harboring a secret of his own, and Marcus, an irrepressible womanizer, can't keep his mind out of the gutter or his hands off any girl within reach.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can't wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she's dumped by her fiancÚ, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid's mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you've just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they're not the soul mates they'd hoped they might be. With Alison's harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they've got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Speckerman Recurrance, The
Leonard comes face-to-face with his high school bully.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Shiny Trinket Maneuver, The
Sheldon gets in trouble with Amy, and it's up to Penny to teach him how to be a better boyfriend. Howard, meanwhile, must come to grips with Bernadette's dislike of children.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vacation Solution, The
When Sheldon is forced to take a vacation by the university, he goes to work with Amy in her neurobiology lab.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rothman Disintegration, The
When a corner office at the University opens up, Sheldon must compete for it with his office nemesis, Barry Kripke. Meanwhile, Penny receives an unusual gift from Amy.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid's mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you've just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they're not the soul mates they'd hoped they might be. With Alison's harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they've got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor's brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he's about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor's mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor's childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor's jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie
Just Married
Tom is a sports announcer who comes from blue collar roots. Sarah is a writer whose family is as wealthy as it is snobbish. Much to her family's--and ex-boyfriend's--horror, Sarah and Tom fall in love and get married. Following their wedding, Tom and Sarah set off for what they expect to be the perfect honeymoon; however, thanks to her conspiring family and vindictive ex, the happy couple experiences the honeymoon from hell.
TV-14
5:30 am
Married With Children
Honey, I Blew Up Myself
TV-PG
 

Monday, April 27

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Twice
When Audrey becomes jealous of a pregnant co-worker, she inadvertently convinces her colleagues that she has a bundle of joy on the way too. Meanwhile, Jennifer and Adam get a surprise Amish visitor, Toby, who is a little unaccustomed to his new urban surroundings. Russell quickly takes it upon himself to show Toby around town and exposes him to his so-called "fabulousbachelor lifestyle." The end result is unbelievable.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Sofa So Good
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
How Green was My Apple
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Get Outta Dodge
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Valentine's Day Massacre
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Field of Screams
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
D'Arcy Files, The
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can't wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she's dumped by her fiancÚ, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
'Til Deaf
Cleveland loses his hearing during a secret hunting trip and tries to keep the truth from Donna; Donna decides to go back to school; Roberta challenges Junior when he runs for reelection as student body president.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Weiner of Our Discontent
For over seventy years Roger has been acting like he's the most important person on the planet, and Stan is sick of it! Stan considers Roger to be a worthless, lazy, lying, cheating, alcoholic slob.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Daddy Queerest
Stan is once again humiliated by the way Francine behaves in social situations, so he pushes her in the pool at a party.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan's Night Out
Stan feels left out when he discovers that a few of the guys from work have been hitting the town while he sits at home with Francine eating dinner on a TV tray and watching gardening shows.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
In Country...Club
When Steve is selected to sing the national anthem at the Langley Falls Veterans' Day celebration, he gets some heat from Stan who doesn't think he's ready for such an undertaking. Unimpressed with Steve's vocal talents, Stan decides Steve needs to experience real war in order to sing about our country's military prowess. But things quickly go south when Roger gets involved and Steve goes bananas.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peterotica
After reading an erotic novel, Peter decides to write one of his own and gets Carter to publish it.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Apartment Complex
Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Raygin Bulls
When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Knee Jerk
Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth Mother, The
A prospective birth mother (Anna Faris) labors under a misconception about Monica and Chandler's respective occupations.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Gets Caught, The
Rachel and Phoebe spot Chandler getting into a vehicle with a mysterious blond woman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Stripper Cries, The
Joey appears as a celebrity contestant on ``$100,000 Pyramid''; Monica and Rachel hire an ungainly stripper (Danny DeVito) for Phoebe's bachelorette party.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Wedding, The
A blizzard causes Phoebe and Mike's wedding to spiral out of control; uptight Monica steps in as her friend's wedding planner, then drives everyone crazy.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bubble Boy, The
Jerry gets lost en route to visiting a sickly fan; guest Jessica Lundy.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cheever Letters, The
Jerry and George work on their pilot script.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Opera, The
Unaware her beau is a mad stalker, Jerry takes Elaine to the opera.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Shoes, The
Jerry and George struggle to keep their idea for a TV series alive.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Valentine's Day in Quahog
This Valentine's Day episode features a series of comic vignettes centered around the residents of Quahog.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Chris Cross
After Meg sees Chris stealing money out of Lois' purse, she blackmails him into doing everything she says.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Werewolf Transformation, The
A change in Sheldon's routine forces him to re-evaluate his entire life, when his barber is sick. Meanwhile, Howard rethinks his decision to go into space after astronaut training.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Weekend Vortex, The
Sheldon chooses to participate in a guys-only weekend Star Wars gaming marathon rather than go with Amy to her aunt's birthday party... and gets a lesson from Penny and Amy.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5721
Guests: Cedric "The Entertainer", Fareed Zakaria, Marina and the Diamonds
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Michael's Birthday
In celebration of his birthday, Michael makes a mandatory invite of the staff during the workday to go ice skating.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5721
Guests: Cedric "The Entertainer", Fareed Zakaria, Marina and the Diamonds
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Let Yourself Go
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Delta Farce
Down on his luck after losing his job and his girlfriend on the same day, Larry decides to join his neighbor, Bill, and his combat-happy buddy, Everett, for a relaxing weekend of drinking and target practice. But when the three hapless guys are mistaken for Army Reservists by the hard-nosed Sergeant Kilgrove, they're loaded onto an army plane headed for Fallujah, Iraq--and mistakenly ejected in a Humvee somewhere over Mexico. Convinced they're actually in the Middle East, the clueless wannabe soldiers save a rural village from a siege of bandits and become local heroes. But when Carlos Santana, a ruthless, karaoke-loving warlord, strikes back, Larry, Bill and Everett have to lay down their beers and take up their arms--and prove they just might be real soldiers after all.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2109
Golden oldies, a day at the beach, spotlight on Ohio, and more.
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2110
Christmas 2010
TV-G
 

Tuesday, April 28

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Challenge, The
When Jeff, Russell, and Adam make a bet to see who would be able to score the soonest, the three put their thinking caps on and rise up to the challenge. In the meantime, Russell's new assistant Timmy is also put into place as a watch guard for Russell. But when a series of unfortunate events begin to unwind, Jeff, Russell, and Adam are left out to hang with minutes to spare, leaving only one winner that takes everyone by surprise.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Legend of Ironhead Haynes, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Nooner or Nothing
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Knows Something
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Assault and Batteries
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Ride Scare
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Al Goes Deep
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''s wedding.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Das Shrimp Boot
Cleveland's determination to attend an all-you-can-eat shrimp cruise ends up getting him addicted to energy supplements and kidnapped by pirates.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Moon Over Isla Island
Stan convinces the dictator of Isla Island to sign a treaty to get a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Steve and Snot get competitive to see who can get farther with the other's mom.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Home Adrone
When Steve gets the chance to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at a Veterans' Day event, Stan takes it upon himself to be Steve's vocal coach. Dissatisfied with Steve's progress, Stan signs Steve up for a Vietnam reenactment in the hopes that a little battle experience will help Steve to truly understand the national anthem. But the pressure of mock war, along with Stan's coaching, gets to Steve causing him to become a relentless reenacting machine. Meanwhile, Roger prepares to watch a pay-per-view Barbra Streisand concert.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Brains, Brains, and Automobiles
When Hayley and Steve leave for their respective summers of fun, Francine looks forward to her newfound alone time with Stan.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Man in the Moonbounce
Stan vows to live out all the teenage pranks he missed with Steve and his friends. But when they are caught, he winds up going to prison.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives
Brian becomes a crazed activist when Mayor West bans gay marriage after Jasper announces he wants to marry his partner at the Griffin home.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Baker's Doesn't
Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Present Tense
When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Buggie Nights
When Arthur brings back bug-infested hotel sheets from his vacation in Florida, the creatures take over the house and force Doug and Carrie to move out.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Speaks French, The
Monica and Chandler show Erica (Anna Faris) the sights but also learn their baby's biological father might be an unsavory character; Joey begs Phoebe to teach him how to speak French before an audition.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Princess Consuela, The
Rachel goes to a job interview at a restaurant and winds up sitting next to her current boss; Joey feels abandoned because Monica and Chandler are leaving.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Estelle Dies, The
Ross tries to win back Rachel's job with her former fashion employer; Phoebe tries to keep Joey from learning about his agent's death; Monica and Chandler make a horrifying discovery.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Going Away Party
One of the guys becomes offended when Rachel does not give him the same goodbye she gives the others.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Virgin, The
Hours before a network meeting, Jerry and George draw a blank; guest Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Contest, The
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine vie at self-denial; guests Estelle Harris, Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Airport, The
On a flight, Jerry meets a beauty, while Elaine sits next to a smelly guy.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pick, The
Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Transporter Malfunction, The
It's a dream come true for Sheldon when he has a close encounter with his hero, Mr. Spock -- legendary sci-fi icon LEONARD NIMOY.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hawking Excitation, The
Sheldon has a chance to meet his hero, STEPHEN HAWKING.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Stag Convergence, The
Howard's wedding plans are in jeopardy after the guys (and Wil Wheaton) throw him a bachelor party and details of his sexual history are leaked online.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Launch Acceleration, The
When NASA reschedules Howard's mission and puts his wedding plans in jeopardy, he's forced to face his fears and Bernadette's dad (guest star CASEY SANDER).
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Will, The
Gil's aunt dies but nobody liked her until they find out she was leaving behind a potential fortune in her will. Oliver and Kelli scramble to find a way out when Shawni asks them to be her horrible son's guardians.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Countdown Reflection, The
When Howard and Bernadette decide they want to be married before his NASA space launch, the gang rushes to put on a wedding, on the fifth season finale.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5722
Guests: Zach Woods, The Lone Bellow
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Will, The
Gil's aunt dies but nobody liked her until they find out she was leaving behind a potential fortune in her will. Oliver and Kelli scramble to find a way out when Shawni asks them to be her horrible son's guardians.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5722
Guests: Zach Woods, The Lone Bellow
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Makin' Some Noise
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Duplicity
CIA officer Claire Stenwick and MI6 agent Ray Koval have left the world of government intelligence to cash in on the highly profitable cold war raging between two rival multinational corporations. Their mission? Secure the formula for a product that will bring a fortune to the company that patents it first. For their employers--industry titan Howard Tully and buccaneer CEO Dick Garsik--nothing is out of bounds. But as the stakes rise, the mystery deepens and the tactics get dirtier, the trickiest secret for Claire and Ray is their growing attraction. And as they each try to stay one double-cross ahead, two career loners find their schemes endangered by the only thing they can't cheat their way out of: love.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2111
I do's and don't's and state spotlight: New Jersey
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Shoeway to Heaven
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, April 29

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Family Style
When Audrey plans a dinner date with Jeff, Jackie and Brad, Jeff feels extremely violated when Jackie begins eating off his plate! Meantime, when Russell finds out his new fling (a psychotherapist), Ellen, won't see him as a patient, he quickly gets creative and decides to use Timmy to find out why he is the way he is.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Driving Mr. Boondy
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Breaks Out
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Naughty but Niece
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Business Sucks (1)
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Business Still Sucks (2)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Dial "B" for Virgin
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he's finally ahead of the game. And that's when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they're going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it's Nina's turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this '90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
March Dadness
When Freight Train bonds with Cleveland Jr., Cleveland goes head-to-head with the pair in a two-man golf tournament - choosing the man who kept Freight Train from playing pro football as his teammate.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Shallow Vows
Upset that Francine has let herself go, Stan takes drastic measures when she asks him to renew their wedding vows.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
My Morning Straitjacket
After attending a concert with Hayley, Stan becomes obsessed with her music.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
G-String Circus
When Hayley rejects Stan's advice, he decides to start a dry-cleaning business run by a bunch of strippers. But when the business fails miserably, he is forced to become a male stripper to make some extra money.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Rapture's Delight
The Rapture happens on Christmas Eve, and Stan is left behind.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Petergeist
Peter discovers an Indian burial ground in the backyard; Stewie gets sucked into the television.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Sold-y Locks
Doug convinces Carrie to sell her hair so they can afford a cruise, but finds he does not like her new, shorter style.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Emotional Rollrcoaster
Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Four Play
Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 2), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Visa, The
A deportee (Brian George) blames helpful Jerry; Kramer returns from baseball fantasy camp.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Old Man, The
Jerry, George and Elaine volunteer to help senior citizens; guest Edie McClurg.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Implant, The
Elaine says Jerry's girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) has implants, so he dumps her.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Untitled Griffin Family History
The Griffins get robbed; Peter narrates a chain of events in world history that explains the Griffin name.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Date Night Variable, The
On the sixth season premiere, Howard discovers that he can't escape his mother -- even in space! Back on earth, meanwhile, Raj turns his existence as a third wheel into an art form.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Decoupling Fluctuation, The
When Sheldon learns that Penny is thinking about breaking up with Leonard, he tries to intervene. Meanwhile, Howard is being picked on in space by the other astronauts.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Higgs Boson Observation, The
Amy's nervous when Sheldon hires Alex, a female assistant.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Re-Entry Minimization, The
Howard returns from space...without the welcome he wanted.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Holographic Excitation, The
The gang celebrates Halloween at Stuart's comic book store. Meanwhile Leonard and Penny discover a new spark in their relationship when he seduces her with science.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5723
Guests: Matthew Perry
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Drug Testing
Dwight finds half a joint in the parking lot and launches a full investigation; Michael asks an unusual favor.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5723
Guests: Matthew Perry
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Damage You've Done, The
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
International, The
Interpol Agent Louis Salinger and Manhattan Assistant District Attorney Eleanor Whitman are determined to bring to justice one of the world's most powerful banks. Uncovering myriad and reprehensible illegal activities, Salinger and Whitman follow the money from Berlin to Milan to New York to Istanbul. Finding themselves in a high-stakes chase across the globe, their relentless tenacity puts their own lives at risk as their targets will stop at nothing--even murder--to continue financing terror and war.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2112
Naughty boys and football
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Sleepless in Chicago
TV-PG
 

Thursday, April 30

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
May Divorce Be with You
When Audrey invites her and Jeff's recently divorced out of luck friend Steve to stay with them for a few days, Audrey thinks she may have become Steve's newest rebound. Meanwhile, Russell's love em' and leave em' antics have finally caught up with him when his newest fling Tina's overprotective brothers manage to track Russell down and make him follow through with his never ending empty promises.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
No Pot to Pease In
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dud Bowl
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Man for No Seasons, A
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Naked and the Dead, but Mostly the Naked, The
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (1)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine's Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Men in Me, The
After winning a dance contest and being labeled "The Whitest Man in America," Cleveland decides to retrace his roots with help from his former nanny.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth
When Francine demands that Stan get rid of his gas-guzzling SUV because it's draining the family of money, he hatches a plan with Roger at the local horse track to avoid giving up his ride. Meanwhile, it's up to Steve and his friends to help out an old friend.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Jones for a Smith, A
Stan puts down liberal social programs because he thinks they're a waste of money and gives Francine a hard time for lending a helping hand at the local homeless shelter. When Stan develops a nasty addiction and needs help, he suddenly has a change of heart.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
May the Best Stan Win
As Valentine's Day approaches, a cyborg version of Stan attempts to steal Francine away from Stan; Roger directs a shot-for-shot remake of the movie "The Goonies."
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Return of the Bling
Stan is appalled to discover that Roger - a "Miracle On Ice" hockey team member - used steroids; Hayley finds herself falling for Reginald.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stewie B. Goode
Stewie gets homicidal during swimming lessons; Stewie takes up drinking.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hartford Whaler
Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Acting Out
Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Fight Schlub
Doug plots revenge after learning that his friendship with a driver from a rival service was nothing more than a con.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part I)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part 2)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Bango Was His Name Oh
Stewie travels to San Francisco in search of his real father; Lois and Peter try to play matchmaker.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure
Stewie is unhappy with the man he will become.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stewie Loves Lois
Lois gets sick of Stewie's newfound affection; Peter has a prostate exam.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mother Tucker
Peter's mom announces that she is getting a divorce; Peter finds a father figure in anchorman Tom Tucker; Brian gets his own radio show.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Extract Obliteration, The
Sheldon's friendship with renowned scientist STEPHEN HAWKING is threatened by a game of "Words with Friends," while Penny secretly enrolls in a class at the local college.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Habitation Configuration, The
Bernadette pressures Howard to move out of his mother's house, while Sheldon finds himself caught in the middle of a fight between Amy and Wil Wheaton.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5724
Guests: January Jones, Dave Attell, MIke Vecchione
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Conflict Resolution
Chaos ensues when Michael takes responsibility for conflict resolution from the Human Relations department.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5724
Guests: January Jones, Dave Attell, MIke Vecchione
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Keeping Me Alive
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine's Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2213
A toddler reacts to a phone ringing
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
I Want My Psycho Dad (2)
TV-PG
 

Friday, May 1

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
House Money
When Jennifer and Russell decide to teach Adam a lesson in responsibility, the joke is on them when Adam has the last laugh.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Takes a Shot
Bud helps Kelly with a commercial audition to prove himself to Marcy's niece.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Something Larry This Way Comes
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Get the Dodge Outta Hell
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
25 Years and What Do You Get?
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (1)
The Bundys and D'Arcys go on a Caribbean cruise.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Ship Happens (2)
The Bundys' and D'Arcy's Caribbean cruise is ruined when the ship sinks.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
A single, suburban dad tries to make ends meet as a security officer at a New Jersey mall. It's a job he takes very seriously, though no one else does. When Santa's helpers at the mall stage a coup, shutting down the megaplex and taking hostages (Paul's daughter and sweetheart among them), Jersey's most formidable mall cop will have to become a real cop to save the day.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Frapp Attack!
An online video of Donna throwing a frappuccino in Cleveland's face attracts the attention of a music producer who tries stealing Donna away from Cleveland.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Cops and Roger
In an attempt to prove his manhood to Stan, Roger joins the Police Academy. But it's not very long until he becomes a corrupt cop.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Merlot Down Dirty Shame
Complications ensue when Roger accompanies Francine to wine country; Klaus and Hayley trick Steve into believing he's dreaming when he's really awake.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Bully for Steve
Stan becomes tired of Steve never standing up for himself. To help, he becomes a bully and picks on Steve. Meanwhile, Reginald finally asks Hayley out on a date.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Incident at Owl Creek, An
Stan becomes the laughing stock of Langley Falls after he defecates in a swimming pool during a party.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hell Comes to Quahog
Brian and Stewie try to save the town when corporate giant Superstore puts all the local shops out of business.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mango, The
Jerry learns Elaine pretended to enjoy their intimacy; Kramer is banned from a fruit store.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Glasses, The
George buys effeminate glasses; dog-bite victim Elaine thinks she has rabies.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Puffy Shirt, The
Jerry appears on ``Today'' wearing a silly shirt; guests Bryant Gumbel, Jerry Stiller.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Sniffing Accountant, The
Jerry, Kramer and Newman investigate their accountant's unexplained sniffle.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
43 Peculiarity, The
Howard and Raj try to solve a mystery about Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Parking Spot Escalation, The
Sheldon & Howard battle over an assigned parking spot.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Meet The Smiths
Zen Detective, The
Kenny tries to help Gwen cope with her stress, while Kayla and Monique try to keep Kenny out of their business.
9:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn't be happier at Madea's misfortune. But Madea's eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancÚe and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Meet The Smiths
Zen Detective, The
Kenny tries to help Gwen cope with her stress, while Kayla and Monique try to keep Kenny out of their business.
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Shrek 2
After battling a fire-breathing dragon and the evil Lord Farquaad to win the hand of Princess Fiona, Shrek now faces his greatest challenge: the in-laws. Shrek and Princess Fiona return from their honeymoon to find an invitation to visit Fiona's parents, the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away. With Donkey along for the ride, the newlyweds set off. All of the citizens of Far, Far Away turn out to greet their returning Princess, and her parents happily anticipate the homecoming of their daughter and her new Prince. But no one could have prepared them for the sight of their new son-in-law, not to mention how much their little girl had changed. Little did Shrek and Fiona know that their marriage had foiled all of her father's plans for her future--and his own. Now the King must enlist the help of a powerful Fairy Godmother, the handsome Prince Charming and that famed ogre killer 'Puss In Boots' to put right his version of "happily ever after."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Nutty Professor, The
For Professor Sherman Klump, being the big man on campus wasn't all it's cracked up to be. His body was disproportionate. His family was dysfunctional. And his love life was disastrous. Having tried everything--diets, exercise and weight loss experts--in an unsuccessful attempt to shed some of his 400 pounds, Sherman Klump invents a revolutionary fat gene formula. Testing it on himself, he discovers he's no longer the man he used to be; in fact, he's only half the man he used to be. With one swig, the gentle, painfully shy academic is transformed into the swaggering Casanova, Buddy Love--an irresistible ladies' man who can talk his way out of any predicament. This new personality gives Sherman the confidence to pursue the chemistry department's beautiful new professor, Carla Purty. Indeed everything, to Sherman's utter amazement, is beyond his most perfect dreams--until he discovers that his long-lasting creation is actually an unstable substance that can wear off at any time.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson's life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it's the kids' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG