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SCHEDULE: May 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Sunday, May 24

6:00 am
Married With Children
Poppy's By the Tree (2)
Peg gets kidnapped! Can Al get her back
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
If I Were a Rich Man
Al and Steve find out about 1 million dollars missing from the bank and the other Bundys think they have it.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The phone line to the Bundys get cut off after Al refuses to pay the bill.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1)
Marcy and Peggy go to a strip club, but Marcy ends up losing her ring in a very uncomfortable space...
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 1), The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding. CHRISTINA PICKLES, RICHARD BRANSON, JENNIFER SAUNDERS, TOM CONTI, ELLIOTT GOULD and SARAH, THE DUCHESS OF YORK guest star.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 2), The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's. OLIVIA WILLIAMS and HUGH LAURIE guest star.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Bedtime Stories
Hotel handyman Skeeter Bronson''s life is changed forever when the bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to mysteriously come true. When he tries to help his family by telling one outlandish tale after another, it''s the kids'' unexpected contributions that turn all of their lives upside down.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he''s quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie
Billy Madison
He's the heir to the Madison Hotel millions, but the only subjects Billy has studied lately are babes and booze. When Brian Madison informs his goofball son that he plans to turn over his Fortune 500 company to a scheming vice president, Billy makes the bet of his life: He's going back to school--grades 1 through 12--in 24 weeks! Can this bona fide blockhead win his father's respect, the family fortune and the love of his beautiful teacher?
TV-14
4:00 pm
Movie
Happy Gilmore
For centuries, golf has been a gentleman's game. A game of tradition, etiquette and, above all, sportsmanship... until now. Happy Gilmore is a hockey player skating on thin ice who discovers that his wicked slap shot easily converts into a crushing 400 yard tee shot with the potential for big bucks. Happy's career takes a 180 degree swing and lands him on the Pro Golf Tour, where he's about to turn the gentleman's game into a contact sport. A working stiff with a temper as short as his drives are long, Happy doesn't fit on the manicured greens of the country club. His outrageous antics, both on and off the course, cause an uproar among the players and officials; but his roughhouse style attracts hordes of new blue collar fans. Now Happy is going from rinks to links--and driving the game of golf straight into the ground.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Big Daddy
Sonny Koufax is a slacker, working only part time and hanging around New York, having collected a big payout after a car accident. Then 5-year-old Julian turns up, claiming to be the son of his roommate Kevin. But Kevin disclaims all knowledge and leaves for a work assignment in China, leaving Sonny with the kid. He is about to ship him to Social Services, but then realises that little Julian could help him win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes an instant daddy, and is a hit with the kid for allowing him to dress and act as he wants. Soon, his ploy is making him reconsider his life, and he forms a real bond with Julian, as well as meeting Layla.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Longest Yard, The
When former NFL player Paul Crewe is sent to prison, the warden forces him to transform a diverse group of inmates into a football team. Unlikely teammates, the convicts unite when they find out who they are playing: the guards. With the help of fellow inmates Nate Scarborough and Caretaker, Crewe promises the cons a chance to exact revenge in a bone-crushing showdown where anything goes.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Longest Yard, The
When former NFL player Paul Crewe is sent to prison, the warden forces him to transform a diverse group of inmates into a football team. Unlikely teammates, the convicts unite when they find out who they are playing: the guards. With the help of fellow inmates Nate Scarborough and Caretaker, Crewe promises the cons a chance to exact revenge in a bone-crushing showdown where anything goes.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he''s quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Funny People
George Simmons is a famous stand-up comedian, who learns that he has a terminal illness and less than a year to live. When, he meets Ira, a struggling comedian at a comedy club where both the comedians are performing, George hires Ira to be his personal assistant and opening act at his performances. The two forge a close friendship as George helps Ira with his career and Ira helps George find closure in his legacy. However, when George learns that his disease has gone into remission and an ex-girlfriend re-enters his life, he''s inspired to reevaluate what is important to him and what truly gives meaning to his life.
TV-14
 

Monday, May 25

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Bank, The
When Jeff screws up paying for Audrey's Pilates classes, he reveals to Adam that he has a "Bank" of mistakes that she has incurred that he uses to ease her anger. Russell sends an email to Timmy's crush.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (2)
The men take action over Peg and Marcy, just to make them feel bad about what happened.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Born to Walk
Al needs to renew his license, but fails the test. Kelly, on the other hand, gets her license on the same day.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Alley of the Dolls
When Peggy's old high school rival challenges her to a family bowl-off, Peggy is determined to win - with the help of an "adopted" Bundy, ringer Steve Rhoades.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Razor's Edge, The
When Steve returns from a river rafting trip, Marcy refuses to let him back into the house until he shaves his newly-grown beard, and he's forced to seek refuge with the Bundys.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
How Do You Spell Revenge?
Al is too busy scheming to get Peggy thrown off their neighbor-hood baseball team to notice that Kelly is about to be tattooed with the name of her latest boyfriend.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Seinfeld
Implant, The
Elaine says Jerry's girlfriend (Teri Hatcher) has implants, so he dumps her.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Memorial Day Movie Marathon
Billy Madison
He's the heir to the Madison Hotel millions, but the only subjects Billy has studied lately are babes and booze. When Brian Madison informs his goofball son that he plans to turn over his Fortune 500 company to a scheming vice president, Billy makes the bet of his life: He's going back to school--grades 1 through 12--in 24 weeks! Can this bona fide blockhead win his father's respect, the family fortune and the love of his beautiful teacher?
TV-14
12:00 pm
Memorial Day Movie Marathon
Happy Gilmore
For centuries, golf has been a gentleman's game. A game of tradition, etiquette and, above all, sportsmanship... until now. Happy Gilmore is a hockey player skating on thin ice who discovers that his wicked slap shot easily converts into a crushing 400 yard tee shot with the potential for big bucks. Happy's career takes a 180 degree swing and lands him on the Pro Golf Tour, where he's about to turn the gentleman's game into a contact sport. A working stiff with a temper as short as his drives are long, Happy doesn't fit on the manicured greens of the country club. His outrageous antics, both on and off the course, cause an uproar among the players and officials; but his roughhouse style attracts hordes of new blue collar fans. Now Happy is going from rinks to links--and driving the game of golf straight into the ground.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Memorial Day Movie Marathon (DVS)
Big Daddy
Sonny Koufax is a slacker, working only part time and hanging around New York, having collected a big payout after a car accident. Then 5-year-old Julian turns up, claiming to be the son of his roommate Kevin. But Kevin disclaims all knowledge and leaves for a work assignment in China, leaving Sonny with the kid. He is about to ship him to Social Services, but then realises that little Julian could help him win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes an instant daddy, and is a hit with the kid for allowing him to dress and act as he wants. Soon, his ploy is making him reconsider his life, and he forms a real bond with Julian, as well as meeting Layla.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Hates PBS, The
Joey challenges Phoebe to perform a completely selfless act. Monica gets upset when Chandler gloats about sex. Ross might finally reconcile with Emily -- but he must make a tough decision.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Kips, The
Ross tells Rachel that he cannot be around her once Emily comes to New York. Chandler and Monica try to have a romantic weekend.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wig Master, The
Jerry reconsiders buying a costly jacket by using Elaine's discount at the shop.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Calzone, The
George becomes his boss's pet when he shares a delicious calzone with him.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit, The (Part 1)
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Bottle Deposit, The (Part 2)
Jerry's mechanic steals his car; Kramer plans to return used bottles to Michigan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Farmer Guy
When a crime spree sweeps through Quahog, the Griffins move to the safety of a farm, where they're forced to open a meth lab to make ends meet.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
No Country Club for Old Men
A wealthy girl invites Chris and his family to spend time at the prestigious Barrington Country Club, but complications ensue when Carter gets kicked out of the club.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
American Fung
"American Dad" is sold to a Chinese businessman. Meanwhile, Stan has Francine committed to an insane asylum when he forgets their anniversary.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Da Flippity Flop
Klaus swaps bodies with Stan after discovering that his original human body is on ice at the CIA; after converting the attic into a gym, Roger attempts to convince Stan to sign up for a lifetime membership.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5686
Guests: Mila Kunis, Josh Hopkins, Cage the Elephant
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Convict, The
Michael tries to be supportive after learning that a new employee is an ex-convict, then the staff compares the office to a prison.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5686
Guests: Mila Kunis, Josh Hopkins, Cage the Elephant
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Full Moon Fever
One look is all it takes for Bobby to fall for Travis' photography professor (guest star Sarah Chalke as Angie), but Travis refuses to introduce them; Laurie falls for a guy she's never met when she begins a romance, via twitter, with a soldier in Iraq; and Jules and Andy prepare to go to war against an unruly gang of kids on bikes who are terrorizing the cul-de-sac, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Island, The
Lincoln Six-Echo and Jordan Two-Delta are among the hundreds of residents of a contained facility in the mid-21st century. Like all of the inhabitants of this carefully controlled environment, everything about their day-to-day lives is monitored, seemingly for their own good. The only way out--and the hope they all share--is to be chosen to go to The Island, reportedly the last uncontaminated spot in the world following an ecological disaster that took the lives of everyone on the planet except them. Recently plagued by unexplained nightmares, Lincoln is restless and increasingly questioning of the restrictions placed on his life. But he is unprepared for the truth when his growing curiosity leads to the terrible discovery that everything about his existence is a lie, that The Island is a cruel hoax and that he, Jordan and everyone they know are actually more valuable dead than alive. With time running out, Lincoln and Jordan make a daring escape to the outside world they''ve never known. Once they are away from the prying eyes of the institute, the innocent friendship the two shared begins to deepen into something more. But with the forces of the institute relentlessly hunting them down, Lincoln and Jordan have one overriding mission: to live.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2221
The beginning of the $100,000 countdown!
TV-G
 

Tuesday, May 26

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Rug of War
Upset that he'll have to purchase a new rug after Audrey gives their old one to Adam and Jenn, Jeff tries to sabotage the gift by telling Adam about all the "fun" that he and Audrey had on it.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Earth Angel
When Bud brings a beautiful, homeless young woman to stay with the Bundys, Al and the rest of the neighborhood guys begin acting like sex-crazed teenagers.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Watch Out
This Christmas episode tells about Santa Claus, who is late showing up at the mall. His parachute doesn't open up and he falls off his sleigh and onto the Bundy property...dead.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Guys and Dolls
When Al and Steve become obsessed with collecting baseball cards, Peggy and Marcy dig out their old Barbie dolls and re-live their childhood fantasies.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Build a Better Mousetrap
Al and Steve stare danger in the face when they decide to exterminate a pesky field mouse without the aid of professional help.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Get Smart
Maxwell Smart is on a mission to thwart the latest plot for world domination by the evil crime syndicate known as KAOS. When the headquarters of U.S. spy agency Control is attacked and the identities of its agents compromised, the Chief has no choice but to promote his ever-eager analyst Maxwell Smart, who has always dreamt of working in the field alongside stalwart superstar Agent 23. Smart is partnered instead with the lovely-but-lethal veteran Agent 99. Given little field experience and even less time, Smart--armed with nothing but a few spy-tech gadgets and his unbridled enthusiasm--must thwart the doomsday plans of KAOS head Siegfried.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
When a Man (Or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie
When Freight Train misses their anniversary, Cookie runs off with musician George Clinton; Junior's visit to an office supply store triggers an elaborate fantasy.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Crotchwalkers
In a desperate attempt to show Steve that she's still a "cool" mom, Francine teaches him a vast array of shoplifting techniques to try out at the local mall. When their attempt to pull off the ultimate heist at "The Gash" goes awry, Steve is captured and sent to a Venezuelan sweatshop. Meanwhile, Roger, Hayley and Klaus form Langley Falls' first Russian Balalaika trio.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Kung Pao Turkey
Stan's plans for a perfect Thanksgiving watching football in his underwear are thwarted when Francine invites her adoptive parents to join them for the holiday. Meanwhile, Francine's mom encourages Hayley to get back on the dating scene and invites an eligible bachelor over, but her true intentions are revealed at Thanksgiving dinner.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Independent Movie
Snot's father dies but Snot refuses to go to the funeral. Steve convinces Snot to take a road trip across the country to attend. Along the way the boys experience life as an independent movie, complete with strange characters and moments of raw emotion.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Faking Bad
When Hayley tries to go clubbing with her old friends she is turned away at the door because she doesn't have proper ID. Hayley convinces Steve to make a fake ID for her. The fake ID is so good that Hayley and Steve go into business together as counterfeiters.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Germany
When Mort accidentally steps into a time machine, Stewie and Brian decide to follow him; but when they learn they are in Poland on the day of the Nazi invasion, they have to find their way back home.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Dougie Houser
Carrie reminds Doug of a past incident when he wants to buy a chainsaw from an infomercial.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Eggsit Strategy
After hearing of possible layoffs at her law firm, Carrie begins to worry about her own job security; Doug loses Deacon's lucky Koosh ball.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
American Idle
Doug gets annoyed when Carrie loses her job and refuses to look for a new one.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Yeti, The
Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ride Along, The
The guys enjoy riding along with a police officer -- until a gunshot is heard. Rachel overhears a telephone message for Ross from his second ex-wife.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ball, The
Phoebe's boyfriend wants her to move in with him. Ross and Joey involve Chandler and Monica in an obsessive game.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wait Out, The
Jerry and Elaine anticipate dating soon-to-be-single friends (Cary Elwes, Debra Messing).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Invitations, The
George searches for a way to stop his impending nuptials; guests Janeane Garofalo, Stephen Root, George Steinbrenner.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Foundation, The
George is ready to move on, but Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soul Mate, The
George suspects the foundation attorney believes he murdered Susan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Pantry, The
Oliver finds Blake and Dani naked and has to get them of the house before anyone finds out. Shawni takes Kelli's old jean jacket and won't give it back. And Enzo helps Gil craft a letter to the "permit fascists" at the farmer's market.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5690
Guests: Anna Kendrick, Gabrielle Union, Lee Ann Womack
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Pantry, The
Oliver finds Blake and Dani naked and has to get them of the house before anyone finds out. Shawni takes Kelli's old jean jacket and won't give it back. And Enzo helps Gil craft a letter to the "permit fascists" at the farmer's market.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5690
Guests: Anna Kendrick, Gabrielle Union, Lee Ann Womack
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
One Story Town, A
Jules and the gang decide Bobby needs some help romancing Angie (guest star Sarah Chalke) so they launch "operation kiss-the-girl." Meanwhile, other former "Scrubs" cast turn up, as Ted (Sam Lloyd) and the Peons pass through on their way to audition at Disney World, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Source Code
When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he''s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he''s ever known, he learns he''s part of a government experiment called the "Source Code," a program that enables him to cross over into another man''s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life. With a second, much larger target threatening to kill millions in downtown Chicago, Colter re-lives the incident over and over again, gathering clues each time, until he can solve the mystery of who is behind the bombs and prevent the next attack.
TV-14
4:00 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, May 27

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Handy Man
When Audrey realizes Jeff is getting a bit bored in the bedroom, she tries to spice it up. Russell gets called out on a business trip, but has a fear of flying. He invites Timmy to distract him.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Master the Possibilities
When Buck, the Bundy family pooch, mistakenly receives a credit card in his name, Al and Peg decide to sample "the good life" and embark on a wild spending spree.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Loves Al, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
All Peggy wants for Valentine's Day is to hear unromantic Al utter those three little words - I love you.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Great Escape, The
When the Bundy family spends the night in Al's shoe store while their house is being exterminated, Kelly is forced to be especially creative in slipping out for the night.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Air Force One
The President of the United States, James Marshall, takes a tough anti-terrorist stance and then becomes a hostage himself when Air Force One is taken over by terrorists from Kazakhstan, led by Ivan Korshunov, who demand the release of their fascistic leader General Radek. The President seems to escape from the plane in an emergency capsule yet is actually hiding on board. He silently kills a member of the terrorist group before establishing contact with F-15''s to engage the hijacked plane. As passengers escape by parachute, Marshall is captured by Ivan and forced to release General Radek, setting in motion an international incident.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part I)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Pilot, The (Part 2)
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Pins, Spins and Fins
Rallo thinks he's a stud bowler when he keeps scoring strikes by using the gutter rails. But when his prowess goes to his head, Donna reveals to him the hard truth: little kids mostly suck at everything. Meanwhile, Cleveland, Lester, Holt and Terry decide that their friendship has become too predictable, and attempt to spice things up by taking a road trip to an abandoned amusement park.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Minstrel Krampus
When Steve starts acting like a spoiled brat during the holidays, Stan takes him to see his incarcerated Grandpa Jack, who tells him the story of how he caught Minstrel Krampus, a legendary demon who punishes naughty children on Christmas. Stan decides that releasing Krampus is the only way to straighten out Steve's attitude. But when Krampus kidnaps Steve, it's up to Stan and Roger to get him back. Meanwhile, Hayley gets a job at the airport, but quickly realizes that she might not be cut out for customer service.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Vision: Impossible
Roger gets into a serious car accident and wakes up from his coma to discover that he now has the ability to see the future. He uses this ability to rescue the Smith family from dangerous situations.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Familyland
The Smith family goes to Familyland theme park for vacation. Francine wants the family to spend the day together, but the individual members go their separate ways. Francine cries in front of a statue of the park's founder, Roy Family, and awakens Roy from a deep slumber.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Cock of the Sleepwalk
Stan celebrates his one hundredth kill for the C.I.A and says his success as an assassin comes from him not having a conscience. The night of the celebration Stan sleepwalks and performs good deeds for his family. Upon waking up, Stan is shocked to learn that his conscience is taking control of his body.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Baby Not On Board
When Peter wins free gas for a year, Brian suggests a road trip to the Grand Canyon. After careful planning and packing, they depart, only to leave Stewie behind. Hilarity ensues as they race back to Quahog.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Santa Claustrophobia
Carrie drives Doug crazy when she takes a part-time job at IPS during the holiday season; Arthur tries to bring everyone together for a Christmas portrait.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Thanks Man
Carrie forces a stranded motorist to wait out in the cold on Thanksgiving Day.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Frigid Heirs
After Arthur wins $2,500 playing bingo, a dispute erupts over how the money should be spent.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Big Break, The
Joey's first major film role leads to an unexpected experience in Las Vegas. Phoebe can't remember why she hates Ross.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 1), The
The gang travels to Las Vegas, Nevada, where more than one surprise awaits. After Ross misinterprets Rachel's actions, a war of public humiliation results.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 2), The
Monica and Chandler get lucky in Las Vegas, Nevada. Rachel makes Ross regret playing a prank on her. Joey schemes for fame and fortune.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Vegas, The
Two of the friends leave Las Vegas married. Joey and Phoebe have a cross-country adventure.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bizzaro Jerry, The
Elaine's soon-to-be former beau has two friends who resemble George and Kramer.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Little Kicks, The
Kramer's friend forces Jerry to perform an illegal activity.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Package, The
Kramer tries to scam the U.S. Postal Service to get a refund for Jerry's stereo.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fatigues, The
Jerry's new girlfriend has a mentor; Elaine must fire a troubled employee.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Man With Two Brians, The
When Brian hurts his back saving Peter, Peter thinks Brian's getting too old, and brings another dog--named New Brian--into the family; and when everyone falls in love with the new pet, Brian leaves home.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5692
Guests: Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher, Sage Kotsenburg, Kristian Bush
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Benihana Christmas Part 1, A
Strife on the party-planning committee results in two competing Christmas parties; Michael gets dumped for the holidays.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5692
Guests: Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher, Sage Kotsenburg, Kristian Bush
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Something Big
Just as Jules is trying to work through Grayson's "baggage" from his wild single days, a chance encounter with a former fling, Holly (guest star Briga Heelan), ends with him learning that he's the father of a one-year-old baby girl he never knew he had, on "Cougar Town." Nicole Sullivan guest stars as Lynn Mettler, Jules and Grayson's pre-marriage counselor, and Sarah Chalke guest stars as Angie.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Air Force One
The President of the United States, James Marshall, takes a tough anti-terrorist stance and then becomes a hostage himself when Air Force One is taken over by terrorists from Kazakhstan, led by Ivan Korshunov, who demand the release of their fascistic leader General Radek. The President seems to escape from the plane in an emergency capsule yet is actually hiding on board. He silently kills a member of the terrorist group before establishing contact with F-15''s to engage the hijacked plane. As passengers escape by parachute, Marshall is captured by Ivan and forced to release General Radek, setting in motion an international incident.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFV Christmas Spectacular from Disneyland
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Impo-Dent
When Marcy accidentally dents Steve's brand new Mercedes, she finds it affects more than just his performance on the road.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, May 28

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Play Ball
Audrey considers quitting her job when she realizes it's making her life miserable. Although things are heated between Allison and Timmy, she wants to put their sex life aside so they can spend time getting to know each other.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Just Married ... with Children
Peggy and Al masquerade as their newlywed neighbors, Steve and Marcy Rhoades, on the game show "How Do I Love Thee" - with shocking results.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Father Lode
Al finally comes into some money at the track, but hasn't time to enjoy his winnings - he's too busy hiding the loot from his family.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
All in the Family
Al is less than thrilled when Peggy announces her family is coming for a visit - all six of them.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
War of the Worlds
The extraordinary battle for the future of humankind through the eyes of one American family fighting to survive it. Ray Ferrier is a divorced dockworker and less-than-perfect father. Soon after his ex-wife and her new husband drop off his teenage son Robbie and young daughter Rachel for a rare weekend visit, a strange and powerful lightning storm touches down.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Mango, The
Jerry learns Elaine pretended to enjoy their intimacy; Kramer is banned from a fruit store.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Glasses, The
George buys effeminate glasses; dog-bite victim Elaine thinks she has rabies.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brownsized
Cleveland accepts Mr. Waterman's offer to quit his job and receive six months severance pay. There's only one catch: figuring out a way to tell Donna. Rallo finds a new beau for Robert after Federline forgets about their anniversary.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Introducing the Naughty Stewardesses
Stan takes Francine on a surprise trip to Sacramento, but Francine is bored. They meet the Naughty Stewardesses, four women who use their status as flight attendants to find love and adventure.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
I Ain't No Holodeck Boy
Stan thinks that Steve and his friends spend too much time indoors playing video games. He wishes that the boys would go outside and have the kind of adventures in the woods that he had as a child. When Stan learns that the C.I.A. has a hologram deck that can simulate real environments, he drugs the boys and places them inside, making them think they have been left in the woods.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Goes on the Pill
Francine is frustrated that Stan only pretends to pay attention when she talks. Stan takes a pill engineered by the C.I.A. to help male agents listen to females. Stan takes too much and the pill physically transforms him into a woman.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Honey, I'm Homeland
Stan goes undercover at an Occupy Wall Street rally and gets kidnapped by a group of radical leftists. The liberals subject Stan to horrific torture to re-educate him, but Stan escapes. After Stan returns home, Hayley notices Stan's odd behavior and fears that he may have been brainwashed.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tales of a Third Grade Nothing
Peter is forced to go back to the third grade to try and qualify for a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Brian opens a bar with Frank Sinatra Jr, where they employ Stewie to make it a hotspot.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Switch Sitters
Deacon and Kelly decide to take Arthur out to dinner so Doug and Carrie can be alone, but they ignore a warning about Arthur's reaction to spicy food.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Cheap Saks
Carrie discovers Doug's annoying ex-girlfriend (Janeane Garofalo) has an employee discount at Saks Fifth Avenue.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Damned Yankee
Carrie catches Doug fantasizing about other women while he is under sedation at the hospital.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Hugs Rachel, The
Monica is bewildered by Rachel's reaction to a change in their living arrangement. Phoebe tries to make Ross confront his feelings for Rachel.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Denial, The
Despite Phoebe's admonitions, Ross makes a drastic decision about Rachel. Chandler and Monica bicker over their living arrangements.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Loses His Insurance, The
Injured Joey must get an acting part in order to qualify for health insurance. Rachel finally learns the truth about her marriage to Ross.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Porsche, The
Rachel forces Ross to terminate their marriage. Phoebe's first triplet baby-sitting experience proves stressful. Joey pretends to own a sports car.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Checks, The
Jerry receives bundles of small residual checks from his Japanese TV appearance.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chicken Roaster, The
A celebrity opens a chicken restaurant in Jerry's neighborhood.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Abstinence, The
George benefits when his new girlfriend's illness requires their abstinence.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Andrea Doria, The
George wants a better apartment; Jerry learns Newman is hiding mail.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Ocean's Three and a Half
After seven years of pregnancy, Bonnie gives birth to baby Susie, and Stewie immediately falls in love; but when Joe can't pay the massive hospital bill, Peter and the boys plan to rob Mr. Pewterschmidt.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Gay
To pay off a massive debt, Peter participates in a medical experiment, allowing himself to be injected with the "gay" gene; and this change in lifestyle leads him to find a new mate, leaving a broken-hearted Lois behind.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Juice is Loose, The
Peter cashes in a raffle ticket, and wins a golf outing with O.J. Simpson; but when he brings home the infamous former running back, the residents of Quahog are not so welcoming to the new houseguest.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fox-y Lady
Lois gets a job working for FOX News and has to do a report on a liberal filmmaker. However, she loses the job when her story implicates a conservative radio host.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5694
Guests: The Cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, In the Valley Below.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Benihana Christmas Part 2, A
Strife on the party-planning committee results in two competing Christmas parties; Michael gets dumped for the holidays.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5694
Guests: The Cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, In the Valley Below.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You Can Still Change Your Mind
Travis wants to take Jules and Grayson's wedding pictures, but Jules, who wants everything to be perfect for her second wedding, isn't so sure; meanwhile Bobby wants to get serious with Angie (guest star Sarah Chalke), but does she feel the same way, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
War of the Worlds
The extraordinary battle for the future of humankind through the eyes of one American family fighting to survive it. Ray Ferrier is a divorced dockworker and less-than-perfect father. Soon after his ex-wife and her new husband drop off his teenage son Robbie and young daughter Rachel for a rare weekend visit, a strange and powerful lightning storm touches down.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2301
Who let the cats out And kids say...
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
 

Friday, May 29

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Baked
Audrey embarks on a new start after quitting her demanding job; however, her time at home makes her stir crazy, prompting her to start a cookie business. The ever polite Timmy is getting advice from the guys who encourage him to be more of a dude than a gentleman.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock `n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Catch Me If You Can
Based on a true story, Frank W. Abagnale was employed as a doctor, a lawyer, and as a co-pilot for a major airline company-all before reaching his 21st birthday. A successful con artist and master of deception, Frank is also a brilliant forger, whose skill at check fraud has netted him millions of dollars in stolen funds--much to the chagrin of the authorities. FBI Agent Carl Hanratty has made it his prime mission to capture him and bring him to justice, however Frank is always one step ahead of Carl, baiting him to continue the chase.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Puffy Shirt, The
Jerry appears on ``Today'' wearing a silly shirt; guests Bryant Gumbel, Jerry Stiller.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Sniffing Accountant, The
Jerry, Kramer and Newman investigate their accountant's unexplained sniffle.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Rodent Like This, A
When a rat is discovered in the Brown home, Donna and the kids move out, leaving Cleveland to deal with the problem. But Cleveland discovers he likes living by himself and forms a friendship with the whiskered pest.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
She Swill Survive
Stan is tired of Hayley being lazy and unemployed, so he forces her to take a job in Roger's bar. Deputy Director Bullock is a regular at the bar, and he confesses his secrets to Hayley.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Rubberneckers
Stan and Francine go out to dinner and Francine catches Stan looking at another woman. Stan tells his co-workers that he got caught and the co-workers teach Stan about Rubbernecking, the art of checking out other woman on the sly.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Permanent Record Wrecker
Stan is laid off from work and has to search for a job for the first time in over twenty years. When he applies for jobs, Stan learns that his permanent record has been wiped clean of his C.I.A. experience and no one wants to hire him.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
News Glance with Genevieve Vavance
Hayley wants to save the world through investigative journalism so she becomes an intern for a local news reporter. The reporter turns out to be Roger, who gets ratings through sensationalized stories.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Not All Dogs Go to Heaven
After a frustrating day at the annual Quahog Star Trek convention, Stewie builds a transporter and beams the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation into his room for a fun-filled day in Quahog.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Multiple Plots
Carrie, still unemployed, helps Holly with dog walking; Arthur sells his burial plot to Spence's mother, Veronica (Anne Meara).
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Trash Talker
Doug's grade school nemesis (Jon Favreau) is Deacon's new friend and may become Carrie's new boss.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Precedent Nixin'
Carrie's plan to stay at a hotel, while visiting her in-laws in Florida, backfires when their hotel is overrun by spring breakers.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One on the Last Night, The
The guys and the women prepare for big changes in their living arrangements.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Runs, The
Chandler learns how obsessively neat Monica is when he attempts to do her a favor. Joey desperately tries not to flirt with his sexy new roommate (ELLE MACPHERSON).
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Teeth, The
The guys explore their femininity. Phoebe causes trouble when she kisses someone at Rachel's work.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Apothecary Table, The
Joey finally dates Janine (ELLE MACPHERSON), but she doesn't like his friends. Rachel worries that Phoebe won't appreciate the way she furnishes their apartment
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Little Jerry, The
George finds the perfect woman; Kramer gets a pet; Elaine dates a bald man.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Comeback, The
Jerry joins a tennis club; a co-worker's insults test George.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Money, The
Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac, thinking he needs money; J. Peterman returns.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Van Buren Boys, The
George interviews student candidates for Susan's scholarship.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Big Daddy
Sonny Koufax is a slacker, working only part time and hanging around New York, having collected a big payout after a car accident. Then 5-year-old Julian turns up, claiming to be the son of his roommate Kevin. But Kevin disclaims all knowledge and leaves for a work assignment in China, leaving Sonny with the kid. He is about to ship him to Social Services, but then realises that little Julian could help him win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes an instant daddy, and is a hit with the kid for allowing him to dress and act as he wants. Soon, his ploy is making him reconsider his life, and he forms a real bond with Julian, as well as meeting Layla.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie
Happy Gilmore
For centuries, golf has been a gentleman's game. A game of tradition, etiquette and, above all, sportsmanship... until now. Happy Gilmore is a hockey player skating on thin ice who discovers that his wicked slap shot easily converts into a crushing 400 yard tee shot with the potential for big bucks. Happy's career takes a 180 degree swing and lands him on the Pro Golf Tour, where he's about to turn the gentleman's game into a contact sport. A working stiff with a temper as short as his drives are long, Happy doesn't fit on the manicured greens of the country club. His outrageous antics, both on and off the course, cause an uproar among the players and officials; but his roughhouse style attracts hordes of new blue collar fans. Now Happy is going from rinks to links--and driving the game of golf straight into the ground.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
Billy Madison
He's the heir to the Madison Hotel millions, but the only subjects Billy has studied lately are babes and booze. When Brian Madison informs his goofball son that he plans to turn over his Fortune 500 company to a scheming vice president, Billy makes the bet of his life: He's going back to school--grades 1 through 12--in 24 weeks! Can this bona fide blockhead win his father's respect, the family fortune and the love of his beautiful teacher?
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Not Another Teen Movie
What a year at John Hughes High! The Wasp football team goes all the way -- into the cellar, that is, when quarterback Jake Wyler makes an errant pass and Reggie Ray racks up his umpteenth concussion. Things perk up at a dazzling year-end prom when conjoined twins Kara and Sally Fratelli are crowned prom queens. Other highlights from this year include a nasty toilet explosion that drops in the middle of Mr. Keller''s English class, Jake fails to seduce Janey with a human whipped cream sundae and Janey is apprehended by police after Jake''s moving serenade of Aerosmith''s "Janey''s Got a Gun". Many new faces deck the halls this year, including Sadie, a 90 year-old undercover reporter and foreign exchange student Areola, who becomes the object of lust for all American nerds. Malik continues to be the "token black guy," Catherine is still in love with her brother, Bruce still thinks he''s Asian, and Ox is still a virgin...
TV-14
4:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2302
Season 23 premiere: the owl-ympics and the AFV pop quiz
TV-G
 

Saturday, May 30

6:00 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Foe: Pa
When Arthur embarrasses Carrie at a job interview, Doug must heal the breach between father and daughter.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Tank Heaven
Doug deliberately offends Carrie's co-workers by showing them his chest hair.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Alter Ego
Doug, Deacon, Danny and Spence take an impulsive trip to Memphis to try and stop the wedding of Spence's ex-girlfriend (Rachel Dratch).
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Icky Shuffle
When Carrie comes down with a cold, Arthur must find a new teammate for the senior center's shuffleboard tournament.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Billy Madison
He's the heir to the Madison Hotel millions, but the only subjects Billy has studied lately are babes and booze. When Brian Madison informs his goofball son that he plans to turn over his Fortune 500 company to a scheming vice president, Billy makes the bet of his life: He's going back to school--grades 1 through 12--in 24 weeks! Can this bona fide blockhead win his father's respect, the family fortune and the love of his beautiful teacher?
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie
Happy Gilmore
For centuries, golf has been a gentleman's game. A game of tradition, etiquette and, above all, sportsmanship... until now. Happy Gilmore is a hockey player skating on thin ice who discovers that his wicked slap shot easily converts into a crushing 400 yard tee shot with the potential for big bucks. Happy's career takes a 180 degree swing and lands him on the Pro Golf Tour, where he's about to turn the gentleman's game into a contact sport. A working stiff with a temper as short as his drives are long, Happy doesn't fit on the manicured greens of the country club. His outrageous antics, both on and off the course, cause an uproar among the players and officials; but his roughhouse style attracts hordes of new blue collar fans. Now Happy is going from rinks to links--and driving the game of golf straight into the ground.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Big Daddy
Sonny Koufax is a slacker, working only part time and hanging around New York, having collected a big payout after a car accident. Then 5-year-old Julian turns up, claiming to be the son of his roommate Kevin. But Kevin disclaims all knowledge and leaves for a work assignment in China, leaving Sonny with the kid. He is about to ship him to Social Services, but then realises that little Julian could help him win back his ex-girlfriend. He becomes an instant daddy, and is a hit with the kid for allowing him to dress and act as he wants. Soon, his ploy is making him reconsider his life, and he forms a real bond with Julian, as well as meeting Layla.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With The Joke, The
Ross and Chandler bicker over which of them created a raunchy joke. Phoebe antagonizes Monica and Rachel with her candor. Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Sister (Part 1), The
Rachel tries to help her pampered younger sister, Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON), find independence, but Jill flirting with Ross is not part of the plan. Monica won't admit that she is sick.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 1), The
The friends ponder what might have come to pass if each had taken a different path in life.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 2), The
In the speculative fantasy, Ross initiates romantic advances with his wife Carol (JANE SIBBETT); Chandler and Monica help each other overcome loneliness; Rachel learns the truth about her husband; and Phoebe sneaks out of the hospital.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Garage Sale, The
Ray is surprised to learn that Debra doesn't want more children.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Wedding (Part 1), The
Ray recalls his wedding day.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Wedding (Part 2), The
Ray recalls proposing to Debra and the elaborate plans for their wedding.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Invasion, The
Termite-tenters force the Barones to seek shelter with Ray's parents.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Pantry, The
Oliver finds Blake and Dani naked and has to get them of the house before anyone finds out. Shawni takes Kelli's old jean jacket and won't give it back. And Enzo helps Gil craft a letter to the "permit fascists" at the farmer's market.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Cougar Town (SAP)
Ways to Be Wicked
No one believes Ellie when she tries to convince them that her seemingly lovely mom, Betsy (guest star Susan Blakely), is actually a sociopath; Grayson decides to help Laurie with her dream of opening a cake business, but her reaction isn't what he expected; and Bobby and Chick (Ken Jenkins) help Travis and his buddies in their plan to steal the campus cougar statue, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
12:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Money Becomes King
Jules and Grayson can't see eye to eye when it comes to joining their finances, but they're both going to have to make some sacrifices if they actually want to get married -- and that is not going to be easy. Meanwhile, Laurie's Krazy Kakes business is doing surprisingly well, and Travis convinces her to make some grown up decisions of her own, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Sorcerer's Apprentice, The
Balthazar Blake is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath. Balthazar can''t do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler, a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners pit their powers against those of the fiercest-and most ruthless-villains of all time. It''ll take all the courage Dave can muster to survive his training, save the city and get the girl as he becomes "The Sorcerer''s Apprentice."
TV-PG
3:00 am
Movie
John Carter
War-weary, former military captain John Carter is inexplicably transported to Mars where he becomes reluctantly embroiled in a conflict of epic proportions amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas and the captivating Princess Dejah Thoris. In a world on the brink of collapse, Carter rediscovers his humanity when he realizes that the survival of Barsoom (Mars) and its people rests in his hands.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, May 31

6:00 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Cry (Part 2), The
Rachel's sister Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON) wants Ross, but not for the reasons he thinks. Chandler astounds the others with his inability to express emotions. Is Phoebe starring in pornography LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Unagi, The
Chandler gets into trouble with his homemade gift for Monica. Ross tries to teach martial arts to Rachel and Phoebe. Joey hires a look-alike.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Dates a Student, The
When a fire damages their apartment, Rachel and Phoebe must choose between living temporarily with Joey or Monica. Ross gets into trouble where he teaches.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Fridge, The
Ross worries when his student/girlfriend goes on vacation with her wild friends. Meanwhile, Joey's refrigerator breaks down.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
John Carter
War-weary, former military captain John Carter is inexplicably transported to Mars where he becomes reluctantly embroiled in a conflict of epic proportions amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas and the captivating Princess Dejah Thoris. In a world on the brink of collapse, Carter rediscovers his humanity when he realizes that the survival of Barsoom (Mars) and its people rests in his hands.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Sorcerer's Apprentice, The
Balthazar Blake is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath. Balthazar can''t do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler, a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners pit their powers against those of the fiercest-and most ruthless-villains of all time. It''ll take all the courage Dave can muster to survive his training, save the city and get the girl as he becomes "The Sorcerer''s Apprentice."
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Movie
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Sherlock Holmes has always been the smartest man in the room...until now. There is a new criminal mastermind at large-Professor Moriarty-and not only is he Holmes'' intellectual equal, but his capacity for evil, coupled with a complete lack of conscience, may actually give him an advantage over the renowned detective. When the Crown Prince of Austria is found dead, the evidence, as construed by Inspector Lestrade, points to suicide. But Sherlock Holmes deduces that the prince has been the victim of murder-a murder that is only one piece of a larger and much more portentous puzzle, designed by Professor Moriarty. The cunning Moriarty is always one step ahead of Holmes as he spins a web of death and destruction-all part of a greater plan that, if he succeeds, will change the course of history.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he''s looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood''s plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood''s deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Red
Frank, J, Marvin and Victoria used to be the CIA''s top agents - but the secrets they know just made them the Agency''s top targets. Now framed for assassination, they must use all of their collective cunning, experience and teamwork to stay one step ahead of their deadly pursuers and stay alive. To stop the operation, the team embarks on an impossible, cross-country mission to break into the top-secret CIA headquarters, where they will uncover one of the biggest conspiracies and cover-ups in government history.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Cowboys & Aliens
1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don''t welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde. It''s a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known. Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he''s been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella, he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents-townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors-all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he''s looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood''s plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood''s deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Sherlock Holmes has always been the smartest man in the room...until now. There is a new criminal mastermind at large-Professor Moriarty-and not only is he Holmes'' intellectual equal, but his capacity for evil, coupled with a complete lack of conscience, may actually give him an advantage over the renowned detective. When the Crown Prince of Austria is found dead, the evidence, as construed by Inspector Lestrade, points to suicide. But Sherlock Holmes deduces that the prince has been the victim of murder-a murder that is only one piece of a larger and much more portentous puzzle, designed by Professor Moriarty. The cunning Moriarty is always one step ahead of Holmes as he spins a web of death and destruction-all part of a greater plan that, if he succeeds, will change the course of history.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2013
Clips include a Grizzly bear that tries to steal a fisherman's catch, only to be then challenged by a bigger Grizzly; a musical montage of birds attacking people, and a cat giving a dog a massage.
TV-G
 

Monday, June 1

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Mannequin Head Ball
Stuck with a store Jeff leased for Audrey's fleeting cookie shop, he and Adam stay behind to clean up and discover a new game using the heads of mannequins.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Lip Reader, The
George enlists a lip-reader (Marlee Matlin) to learn why his girlfriend dumped him.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Barber, The
Jerry doesn't have the nerve to dump his regular barber.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Hangover Part Tubbs, The
Donna campaigns to be elected to the school board; Cleveland accidentally "kills" an opponent while playing "the Hurt Locker game;" Junior realizes he's an excellent driver.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Longest Distance Relationship, The
Hayley is injured in a fire and while she is in the hospital she meets Millionaire Matt Davis. As Hayley and Matt fall in love, Steve discovers Jeff Fischer is still alive in outer space. Jeff and Hayley communicate via an old CB radio and Jeff asks Hayley to stay true to him while he finds a way back to Earth.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Boy Named Michael, A
Greg and Terry decide to adopt a ten-year-old Russian boy named Michael. At a party celebrating the decision, Roger is jealous of Greg and Terry's fabulous lifestyle of culture and sophistication. Roger rejects the Smith family as trashy and impersonates Michael, successfully integrating into his new home.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Roger Passes the Bar
Roger pushes himself to the breaking point by working non-stop at his dive bar. When he suffers a heart attack, Roger decides to sell the bar to a company that promises to continue his vision. Upon returning to visit, Roger sees that the dive bar has been completely remade as a family friendly restaurant.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Blagsnarst: A Love Story
Roger has been acting incredibly needy and clingy with the family. He senses something in the air that is affecting his behavior but he can't tell where its coming from. Roger leads Francine to a forest where they find a crashed alien ship, with the alien still alive.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Episode 420
When Brian gets busted for possession of marijuana, he starts a campaign to legalize the drug. Mayor West passes the law, which turns the townspeople into a bunch of potheads.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Awful Bigamy
When Holly is kicked out of her apartment, Arthur insists she stay with him until she can find someplace new to live.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Sight Gag
Doug's gift to Carrie of corneal surgery results in her temporary blindness.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Walk, Man
In an effort to spend more time with Carrie, Doug hires someone to take Arthur for a walk three times a week.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E., The
In this episode, primarily composed of clips from earlier shows, Joey auditions for a major television role. But Chandler almost ruins everything.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad, The
Ross is nervous about meeting Paul (BRUCE WILLIS), Elizabeth's (ALEXANDRA HOLDEN) dad, and invites the gang to the coffeehouse for moral support.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Paul's the Man, The
Elizabeth (ALEXANDRA HOLDEN) and Ross decide to hide their relationship from her father (BRUCE WILLIS) and head up to his cabin for the weekend.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ring, The
Phoebe helps Chandler pick out an engagement ring for Monica.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Susie, The
Elaine creates an alternate persona at work; George tries to keep a girlfriend.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pothole, The
George takes extreme measures to locate his lost Yankees key ring.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
English Patient, The
Jerry lifts weights with his parents' Florida neighbor (Lloyd Bridges).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Nap, The
George discovers how to take a nap at work and not get caught.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Roads to Vegas
Brian and Stewie go to Vegas, but chaos erupts when a glitch in Stewie's new teleportation machine creates a duplicate Brian and Stewie.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Vestigial Peter
Fed up with Peter¿s old, tattered, shirt, Lois takes him to the mall to buy a new outfit for church. When Peter struggles with the top button, they notice a large lump on his neck. Alarmed, they rush to the hospital where Dr. Hartman guesses that it¿s an incomplete vestigial twin.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Seizures Suit Stanny
When Stan lies about his texting and driving accident, he takes a seizure medication and suffers from the side effects. Meanwhile, Roger helps Steve with his performance anxiety.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Worst Stan, The
Stan arranges for Principal Lewis to marry Superintendent Riggs so he can finally be a best man at a wedding; Roger's new shorts attract the interest of Ricky Martin.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5735
Guests: Joel McHale, Jake Tapper, Courtney Barnett
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Back from Vacation
Michael returns from his Jamaican vacation; an e-mail of a racy vacation photo makes the rounds of the office.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5735
Guests: Joel McHale, Jake Tapper, Courtney Barnett
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Southern Accents
Jules has a hard time accepting that Holly (guest star Briga Heelan) is part of her life, a situation that does not improve after she finds out that Holly and Travis made out; Andy wants to run for mayor so he can change the town rules against weddings on the beach (something Jules has her heart set on), but Ellie won't let him; and Laurie tries to convince Bobby he's just socially inept, not prejudiced, after he blurts out some awkward comments at the cake shop, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Valentine's Day
Follows the intertwining storylines of a diverse group of Los Angelenos as they navigate their way through romance and heartbreak over the course of one Valentine''s Day. Couples and singles experience the pinnacles and pitfalls of finding, keeping or ending relationships in a day in the life of love.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2014
Clips include kids saying the funniest things, a dreaming puppy that runs in its sleep and a musical montage of fishing mishaps. This week's video salute is to the Evergreen State, with videos submitted from or taking place in Washington.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, June 2

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Les-bro
Jeff and Audrey embark on finding a surrogate mother, only to run into problems with the interviewing process. Russell's wealthy mother comes to town, and after some counseling on how to be a man from Timmy, reluctantly decides to have her stop paying his rent.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Something Borrowed
Rachel is a talented attorney at a top New York law firm, a generous and loyal friend and, unhappily, still single as her engaged best friend Darcy is constantly reminding her. But after one drink too many at her 30th birthday party, perpetual good girl Rachel unexpectedly ends up in bed with the guy she''s had a crush on since law school, Dex, who just happens to be Darcy''s fiancé. When Rachel and Darcy''s lifelong friendship collides with true love, it leads to unexpected complications and potentially explosive romantic revelations. Meanwhile, Ethan, who has been Rachel''s constant confidante and sometimes conscience, has been harboring a secret of his own, and Marcus, an irrepressible womanizer, can''t keep his mind out of the gutter or his hands off any girl within reach.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Non-Fat Yogurt, The
Jerry and Elaine suspect Kramer's yogurt shop is causing their weight gain.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Masseuse, The
Jerry can't get his masseuse girlfriend to give him a massage.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
California Dreamin' (All the Cleves Are Brown)
The Browns relocate to Los Angeles so Cleveland can pursue his fantasy of becoming a major league baseball scout; Donna and the kids are seduced by the glamorous Hollywood lifestyle.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Blonde Ambition
When her efforts to save the planet prove hopeless, Hayley decides that she might get more attention if she becomes a blonde. Meanwhile, Stan and Steve go on a mission to find a new home for the Smiths.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
CIAPOW
When Bullock sends a drone to do the job Stan and his colleagues are supposed to do, Stan is determined to prove that humans are better than robots. Meanwhile, Francine and the rest of the family participate in a slow motion race in the living room.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Scents and Sensei-bility
Steve and Snot are fed up with being bullied. When they enroll in a karate class, Snot is brainwashed by the sensei and it's Steve's mission to get him back. Meanwhile, Klaus develops a horrible odor and is forced to be an outside pet.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Big Stan on Campus
When the CIA is forced to make cutbacks and go on furlough, Stan volunteers to take a position as a College Campus Security Guard. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bed and breakfast in order to boost the family's income.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stew-roids
After Stewie gets beaten up by Joe's infant daughter, Peter injects Stewie with steroids; Chris's popularity at school soars when he begins dating Connie.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Friender Bender
Doug hits and damages Deacon and Kelly's car.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Mean Streak
Doug tries to break the company record for the largest number of consecutive deliveries.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
No Retreat
Doug goes with Carrie on her company retreat while Arthur is left to fend for himself at home.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Proposal (Part 1), The
Chandler plans to propose to Monica.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Proposal (Part 2), The
Monica asks Chandler to be her husband.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Thunder, The
Monica excitedly reveals her good news to everyone, but Rachel and Ross upstage her. Chandler has trouble making love.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Book, The
Monica is outraged to find out what her parents did with her wedding fund. Joey discovers Rachel's late-night reading material.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Yada Yada, The
George realizes his girlfriend's slang may leave out vital information.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Millennium, The
Newman nixes Kramer's millennium-party plans; Jerry obsesses about his position on his girlfriend's speed dial.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Muffin Tops, The
Elaine becomes a partner in a muffin business; Jerry shaves his chest.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Summer of George, The
George plans a vacation; Elaine critiques a co-worker (Molly Shannon); guest Raquel Welch.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Your Family or Mine
Presents
Jason tells Kelli he got a drunken vasectomy but Claire has some shocking news of her own. Blake brings a girl home by pretending he's an Australian pop star. And Ricky and Louis celebrate their anniversary.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5736
Guests: Kellan Lutz, Jeff Ross, Gary Gulman
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Presents
Jason tells Kelli he got a drunken vasectomy but Claire has some shocking news of her own. Blake brings a girl home by pretending he's an Australian pop star. And Ricky and Louis celebrate their anniversary.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5736
Guests: Kellan Lutz, Jeff Ross, Gary Gulman
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Down South
A hurricane blows into town, so that means it's time for a hurricane party at Jules' house. But there's more than one storm brewing, as Travis wants to make a play for Laurie, now that she's broken up her Skype romance with soldier Wade (guest star Edwin Hodge), and Jules is determined to keep them apart, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Something Borrowed
Rachel is a talented attorney at a top New York law firm, a generous and loyal friend and, unhappily, still single as her engaged best friend Darcy is constantly reminding her. But after one drink too many at her 30th birthday party, perpetual good girl Rachel unexpectedly ends up in bed with the guy she''s had a crush on since law school, Dex, who just happens to be Darcy''s fiancé. When Rachel and Darcy''s lifelong friendship collides with true love, it leads to unexpected complications and potentially explosive romantic revelations. Meanwhile, Ethan, who has been Rachel''s constant confidante and sometimes conscience, has been harboring a secret of his own, and Marcus, an irrepressible womanizer, can''t keep his mind out of the gutter or his hands off any girl within reach.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2015
Six previous winners compete for a $100,000 prize. Clips include "The Waterhorse and the Waterworks," a little boy having an emotional reaction to a movie; "Talking Before Take-off," a little girl's reaction to an amusement park ride; "Barking Through the Blinds," a curious Labrador becoming entangled in some discarded window blinds; "The Great Escape," a daring Chihuahua making an escape from a utility room; "Short Ride, Long Fall," an adult on an out-of-control skateboard; and "Amen's Best Friend," a dog that says grace before a meal.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, June 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Big Picture, The
When his mother cuts off Russell's trust fund, he gets a taste of how life will be after moving in with Timmy. Meanwhile, Audrey helps Jeff impress his boss in order to get a raise.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Family Man, The
Jack Campbell is a Wall Street trader living the high life in New York City. When Jack, who has forsaken all for the pursuit of money, becomes involved in a grocery store holdup, everything changes. He awakens the next morning, on a snowy Christmas day, lying in bed next to a wife--Kate, the college sweetheart he dumped when his career ambitions took hold--whom he never married, and in a house with two kids he never had. Now living in New Jersey in an alternate suburban universe, he has a chance to see how his life would have turned out had he married Kate and raised a family. Jack soon begins to feel strangely comfortable in the new role of loving husband and father, finding himself happy in the life he would have led had he made different choices as a young man.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Conversion, The
Jerry thinks his girlfriend has a fungus; George converts.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Fist and the Furious
Cleveland attempts to improve Dr. Fist's social life, only to discover he used to work for the mob; Rallo and Junior discover a business opportunity in the form of a food truck.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Squirt's Honor
When Rallo joins Stoolbend's version of the Boy Scouts, he discovers he can make money selling candy bars for a fictitious charity; Cleveland and Donna win a vacation.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Now and Gwen
When Francine's sister Gwen comes to town, Hayley suspects she is up to no good. Meanwhile, Stan teaches Steve the art of hugging Aunt Gwen and Klaus shadows Roger's dramatic comments.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
When Stan wishes he could have Principal Lewis' carefree, single life, his wish comes true! Meanwhile, in his wish world, Principal Lewis has Stan's family.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
LGBSteve
Hayley is dying to be on a roller derby team, but they will only let her play if her "sister" Steve will play too. Meanwhile, a magical carpenter visits Stan and Francine and Roger runs the roller rink.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Morning Mimosa
When Steve insults Francine, she refuses to cook for him and he becomes a successful internet chef, appearing on a popular morning show. Meanwhile, Stan thinks he can make people invisible by snapping his fingers. Steve becomes an internet sensation called the "Orphan Chef." His success lands him a spot on "Morning Mimosa," Francine's favorite morning show. Meanwhile, Stan is arrested for his insane behavior. Meanwhile, Stan thinks he can make people disappear by snapping his fingers and saying "Gone."
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Oxy Moron
Doug tries to prove to Carrie that he would risk himself to save her.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Ticker Treat
Doug's Halloween decorations frighten Arthur into a minor heart attack.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Lyin' Hearted
Doug encounters one of his delivery customers while accompanying Arthur to the hospital.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Cookies, The
Monica desperately tries to figure out a secret cookie recipe. Chandler fails to impress Monica's father.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Assistant, The
Rachel is in a quandary when a sexy but unqualified man (EDDIE CAHILL) applies to be her assistant. Chandler, Monica and Ross tell embarrassing secrets about one another.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Engagement Picture, The
Joey tries to teach Chandler how to smile for the camera. Phoebe and Ross bicker over their divorcing friends.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Nap Partners, The
Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honor, but Monica doesn't want to make the decision. Chandler tries to apologize to a girlfriend from his youth.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Butter Shave, The
Jerry gets upset when a lame comic follows his act; Kramer uses butter.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Voice, The
Jerry takes an interest in a girlfriend's navel; Kramer hires an intern.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Serenity Now, The
Jerry's new girlfriend (Lori Loughlin) encourages him to express his emotions.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Blood, The
Jerry's parents notice his weight gain and ask Izzy (Lloyd Bridges) to train him.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
We Love You, Conrad
Brian is devastated to learn that his ex-girlfriend Jillian is getting married until he meets The Hills star Lauren Conrad. Though Brian begins to think he and Conrad are the perfect match, he finds his heart may still belong to Jillian.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Three Kings
Peter hosts three adaptations of Stephen King tales: "Stand By Me," "Misery" and "The Shawshank Redemption."
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5737
Guests: Spoon
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Traveling Salesmen
Andy suggests that Michael team up the staff for sales calls; Dwight tries to cover for Angela when she misses a deadline.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5737
Guests: Spoon
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Square One
Grayson moves in with Jules after the hurricane damages his house, but the sudden togetherness makes them wonder if they're going to make the same mistakes in their upcoming marriage that they made in their past relationships. Meanwhile, Ellie and Laurie bicker about which of them is the sexiest, dragging Travis into the argument, and Jules and Bobby dare each other to a "white shirt challenge" - to see who can wear the same while shirt longer without spilling something on it -- on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Family Man, The
Jack Campbell is a Wall Street trader living the high life in New York City. When Jack, who has forsaken all for the pursuit of money, becomes involved in a grocery store holdup, everything changes. He awakens the next morning, on a snowy Christmas day, lying in bed next to a wife--Kate, the college sweetheart he dumped when his career ambitions took hold--whom he never married, and in a house with two kids he never had. Now living in New Jersey in an alternate suburban universe, he has a chance to see how his life would have turned out had he married Kate and raised a family. Jack soon begins to feel strangely comfortable in the new role of loving husband and father, finding himself happy in the life he would have led had he made different choices as a young man.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2016
Videos include a dog that tears apart a kid's Halloween costume (while the kid is still wearing it), a firefighter's prank on a fellow firefighter, a fake rat in the kitchen cabinet, and a woman saying silly things after a trip to the dentist (on laughing gas).
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, June 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Fun Run
After Jeff tells his altruistic co-workers that requests for charity donations are getting out of hand, Audrey enters into a 10K charity event and plans on having Jeff's staff contribute money toward the cause. Meanwhile, Russell is dating a woman who is giving him not-so-subtle hints that she's really not into him.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Unfaithful
Edward and Connie Sumner are a wonderfully maintained middle-aged couple living the American dream. Together with their eight year-old son, a dog and a housekeeper, they share an enviable life in the suburbs of New York City. But no life goes unchallenged: This happy marriage, dampened by the routines of affluence, falls prey to an outsider when Connie has a fateful collision with a stranger on a Soho street. It''s an encounter which assaults her with mystery, spontaneity, charm and risk. It will pull Connie into an affair which will become her obsession. When Edward innocently learns that his wife has lied to him, suspicion propels him to to uncover the devastating details of her infidelity. Tormented by the knowledge, he confronts her lover, only to discover a level of rage within himself that he could never have imagined.
TV-14
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Stall, The
Elaine's toilet stall has no tissue; George acts giddy around Elaine's boyfriend (Dan Cortese); guest Jami Gertz.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Marine Biologist, The
George poses as a marine biologist; guest Carol Kane.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Who Done Did It?
Cleveland seeks revenge against people who've wronged him and his family...until he's accused of a murder he didn't commit.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Grave Danger
Cleveland and his friends discover the joys of hanging out at a local cemetery; Rallo befriends neighborhood tough guys after making a trip to Robert's apartment in East Stoolbend.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
My Affair Lady
Hayley gets a job and starts to fall for a co-worker. Meanwhile, Stan chauffers Steve and Francine to a Mother-Son dance. Hayley is broke and gets an office job where she meets a cute co-worker named Ax. Klaus and Roger encourage her to have sex with Ax on an office retreat. Hayley is all for it until she finds out Ax is a married man. Hayley backs out when she sees he has a tattoo of Roger. Back at home, Stan steals Francine from Steve at the school dance and tries to make it up to him by letting them dance at home.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Star Is Reborn, A
While on vacation in Los Angeles, Stan joins the world of old Hollywood.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour
Francine is up for an award for her lonely housewife novel, so the family heads to New York for the ceremony. Meanwhile, Stan and Hayley hang out with actor Robert Wuhl, and Steve and Roger recreate their Wheels and the Legman personas.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Shrink, The
Stan is horrified when he sees a couple die in a car crash, and he goes to see a shrink. Meanwhile, Roger and Klaus study for a wine tasting.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Depo Man
Carrie asks Doug to be an expert witness at her boss's trial.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Life Sentence
Doug sets up a camera in the basement to monitor Arthur.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Veiled Threat
A flashback shows Doug and Carrie's wedding day.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Library Book, The
Chandler's former girlfriend (MAGGIE WHEELER) manipulates Chandler and Monica. Rachel and Phoebe meddle in Joey's relationship. KRISTIN DAVIS also guest stars.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Merv Griffin Show, The
Jerry dates a toy collector; Kramer thinks he finds a TV show's furniture set.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Slicer, The
Kramer buys a meat slicer; Jerry's date (Marcia Cross) considers his job meaningless.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Betrayal, The
Elaine drags Jerry and George to a wedding in India; Kramer's life is threatened.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter's Progress
Peter has a psychic palm reading and discovers he led a past life as Griffin Peterson, a dignified gentleman who followed the beautiful Lady Redbush from 17th century England, where the fierce King Stewart III reigned supreme, to the newly founded American colony of Quahog to win her heart.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Multiverse
Stewie and Brian visit alternate universes and become stuck in one ruled by dogs.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Goy
Peter falls in love with a life-size Kathy Ireland cut-out; Lois discovers she's Jewish.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Spies Reminiscent of Us
Actors Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase track down a spy hiding in Quahog; Peter, Joe and Quagmire start their own comedy improv group.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5738
Guests: Nick Offerman, Jen Kirkman, My Morning Jacket
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Return, The
Oscar returns from his long vacation; Andy takes advantage of events to get closer to Michael; Jim gets Karen and Pam to help stage a prank on a new target.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5738
Guests: Nick Offerman, Jen Kirkman, My Morning Jacket
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
It'll All Work Out
When Jules realizes that the cul-de-sac crew didn't celebrate Thanksgiving together, she decides to celebrate the holiday, even though it's spring. But the family spirit is shattered, in more ways than one, when Little Stan gets his hands on Big Carl and Jules questions Ellie's parenting skills. Meanwhile, Travis struggles to write Jules' wedding vows and asks Bobby and Laurie for help, and Grayson helps a nervous Andy practice for the annual pizza toss for candidates running for mayor, on "Cougar Town."
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Unfaithful
Edward and Connie Sumner are a wonderfully maintained middle-aged couple living the American dream. Together with their eight year-old son, a dog and a housekeeper, they share an enviable life in the suburbs of New York City. But no life goes unchallenged: This happy marriage, dampened by the routines of affluence, falls prey to an outsider when Connie has a fateful collision with a stranger on a Soho street. It''s an encounter which assaults her with mystery, spontaneity, charm and risk. It will pull Connie into an affair which will become her obsession. When Edward innocently learns that his wife has lied to him, suspicion propels him to to uncover the devastating details of her infidelity. Tormented by the knowledge, he confronts her lover, only to discover a level of rage within himself that he could never have imagined.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2017
Videos include practical jokes -- including a man scared by a fake bug running across the kitchen -- a video package of dogs that make unusual noises, skydiving mishaps, a woman calling the police to get rid of a big spider and a grandma who's a real pinball wizard.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
 

Friday, June 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Refusing to Budget
Timmy convinces Russell he needs a budget when the utilities are turned off in his apartment. Meanwhile, Audrey has a mentee who wants to see her office and learn about publishing.
TV-14
6:30 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Seinfeld
Pie, The
A date's refusal to eat pie obsesses Jerry; a mannequin resembles Elaine; guest Lane Davies.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Of Lice And Men
Rallo is forced to have his head shaved after he contracts lice; Cleveland housesits for Freight Train and Cookie.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
Cleveland and Cookie get mistaken for a married couple; after he gets caught stealing a candy bar, Rallo pins the theft on Junior.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Holy S***, Jeff's Back!
Jeff returns from space...Or does he Meanwhile, Steve watches after Snot's hamster.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
American Fung
"American Dad" is sold to a Chinese businessman. Meanwhile, Stan has Francine committed to an insane asylum when he forgets their anniversary.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Seizures Suit Stanny
When Stan lies about his texting and driving accident, he takes a seizure medication and suffers from the side effects. Meanwhile, Roger helps Steve with his performance anxiety.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Double Downer
Doug spoils Carrie's plans for a romantic weekend when he organizes an outing to Atlantic City -- and his boss ends up joining them.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Ovary Action
Holiday visitors interrupt Doug and Carrie's attempt to conceive.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Food Fight
Carrie grows jealous when Spence's girlfriend (Christine Nelson) recruits Doug to test her culinary homework.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Reverse Peephole, The
Puddy wears a fur coat; Jerry doesn't use a wallet; Newman may face eviction.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian's Got A Brand New Bag
The Griffins ridicule Brian when he begins dating a 50-year-old woman.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Hannah Banana
The Griffins discover that the evil monkey in Chris's closet isn't so evil after all; Stewie befriends Miley Cyrus, who turns out to be an android.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can''t wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she''s dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
12:00 am
Your Family or Mine
Presents
Jason tells Kelli he got a drunken vasectomy but Claire has some shocking news of her own. Blake brings a girl home by pretending he's an Australian pop star. And Ricky and Louis celebrate their anniversary.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
My Life/Your World (Part 1 of 2)
"My Life/Your World" -- When Grayson complains that he's living the movie "Groundhog Day" because the gang shows up at the same time every day at Jules' house, Jules asks for a "Groundhog Day"-themed bachelorette party so that Ellie and Laurie can explain the movie to her. Then, fed up with the lack of privacy, Grayson convinces Jules to elope to Napa . . . but the cul de sac crew happily tags along, on "Cougar Town." David Arquette guest stars as a hotel concierge who'll go to great (and possibly illegal) lengths to help the wine wedding go off without a hitch.
TV-PG
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
My Life/Your World (Part 2 of 2)
"My Life/Your World" -- When Grayson complains that he's living the movie "Groundhog Day" because the gang shows up at the same time every day at Jules' house, Jules asks for a "Groundhog Day"-themed bachelorette party so that Ellie and Laurie can explain the movie to her. Then, fed up with the lack of privacy, Grayson convinces Jules to elope to Napa . . . but the cul de sac crew happily tags along, on "Cougar Town." David Arquette guest stars as a hotel concierge who'll go to great (and possibly illegal) lengths to help the wine wedding go off without a hitch.
TV-PG
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
3:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
 

Saturday, June 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dougie Nights
Doug starts club-hopping with newly single Deacon.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
No Orleans
Doug and Carrie sneak off to New Orleans without Doug's cousins.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Missing Links
Doug and Carrie search for a compatible couple to take with them to the firm's annual golf outing.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hero Worship
Doug's uncle (Gavin MacLeod) offers to back financially his desire to open a sandwich shop.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
12:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Ron Burgundy is the top-rated anchorman in San Diego in the 1970s. When feminism marches into the newsroom in the form of ambitious newswoman Veronica Corningstone, Ron is willing to play along at first--as long as Veronica stays in her place, covering cat fashion shows, cooking, and other "female" interests. But when Veronica refuses to settle for being eye candy and steps behind the news desk, it''s more than a battle between two perfectly coiffed anchor-persons--it''s war.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Bad Teacher
Elizabeth Halsey is a foulmouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate teacher. She drinks, gets high, and can''t wait to marry a meal ticket to get out of her bogus day job. When she''s dumped by her fiancé, she sets her sights on a rich, handsome substitute while shrugging off the advances of the school gym teacher. The consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Award, The
Joey overreacts at a daytime drama awards show. Daytime drama actresses McKENZIE WESTMORE and ALISON SWEENEY guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Big Kiss, The
Rachel reveals a titillating secret about her and a former sorority sister (WINONA RYDER). Ross and Chandler compete for wedding tuxedos.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Driving Frank
Debra refuses to let the children ride with unsafe driver Frank.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Sitter, The
The kids like the new baby sitter too much, according to Debra.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Getting Even
Debra vows to get even after Ray gets laughs at her expense.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Halloween Candy
Frank mistakenly passes out Ray's colorfully wrapped ``chocolate coins.''
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Speckerman Recurrance, The
Leonard comes face-to-face with his high school bully.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Shiny Trinket Maneuver, The
Sheldon gets in trouble with Amy, and it's up to Penny to teach him how to be a better boyfriend. Howard, meanwhile, must come to grips with Bernadette's dislike of children.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Movie
Bad Boys II
Miami narcotics detectives Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett become part of a high-tech task force assigned to stem the flood of designer ecstasy into Miami. They unwittingly uncover a deadly conspiracy involving a ruthless drug lord who is determined to expand his empire and take control of the city''s burgeoning narcotics trade, killing anyone who stands in his way. To make matters worse, Marcus'' beautiful sister Syd, an undercover DEA agent, gets caught in the crossfire, forcing our heroes to the edge of the law. The assignment takes on further complications when romantic sparks start to fly between Mike and Syd, driving her overly protective brother completely around the bend. But Marcus and Mike must overcome their differences to bring down Tapia. And when Syd''s cover is jeopardized, it''s up to the Bad Boys to rescue her.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
Collateral
Max has lived a mundane life as a cab driver for twelve years. The faces have come and gone from his rear-view mirror: people and places he''s long since forgotten--until tonight. Vincent is a contract killer. When an off-shore narco-trafficking cartel learns that they''re about to be indicted by a federal grand jury, they mount an operation to identify and kill the key witnesses, and the last stage is tonight. It is on this very night that Vincent has arrived--and five bodies are supposed to fall. Circumstances cause Vincent to hijack Max'' taxicab, and Max becomes collateral--an expendable person who''s in the wrong place at the wrong time. Through the night, Vincent forces Max to drive him to each assigned destination. And as the L.A.P.D. and F.B.I. race to intercept them, Max and Vincent''s survival become dependent on each other, in ways neither would have imagined.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2018
Clips include people getting excited over fake lotto tickets, plus pet pranks -- including two dogs who are threatened by a photo of a cat, a man who has trained his dog to fetch him a beer from the fridge, and kids who chase and terrify their dad with a dead bat.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats" music video.
TV-PG