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SCHEDULE: February 2017

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Monday, February 27

6:00 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock 'n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Jung Frankenstein
Carrie tries to coax Doug's therapist into targeting his bad habits.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Mammary Lane
Carrie baby-sits for the boss' son; Doug tries to make friends with the new shoe girl (Rachel Dratch) at the bowling alley.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Going to Party!, The
The guys try to be spontaneous and wild. After Monica gives a bad restaurant review, she receives a new career opportunity. Rachel's boss offers her a promotion.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Uterus, The
Phoebe's half-brother makes an astounding announcement and a thought-provoking request. Joey finds himself in a class struggle.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Embryos, The
Phoebe finds out whether she is pregnant or not. A simple challenge escalates into a full-blown contest between the guys and the women.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Crush, The
Rachel schemes to get a handsome client to ask her on a date. Chandler's jealousy causes problems with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Squirt's Honor
When Rallo joins Stoolbend's version of the Boy Scouts, he discovers he can make money selling candy bars for a fictitious charity; Cleveland and Donna win a vacation.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Grave Danger
Cleveland and his friends discover the joys of hanging out at a local cemetery; Rallo befriends neighborhood tough guys after making a trip to Robert's apartment in East Stoolbend.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile, Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Land Ship, The
The upcoming Land Ship parade could mean increased business for Bob, until he learns that two port-o-potties will be placed in front of the restaurant. Meanwhile, Tina learns from her friends that she's boring, so she joins up with Jordan who has been vandalizing the school with graffiti. But when Jordan wants to spray graffiti on the Land Ship, Tina must decide between ruining the parade and disappointing her new crush.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Hauntening, The
The Belchers are ready for an amazing Halloween! After Louise insists that sheÆs never been scared before, Bob and Linda reveal their plans to visit a special haunted house that just might rectify the situation. But when trouble ensues following their visit, the Belchers find themselves in a zany situation more frightening than they bargained for!
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Gayle Makin' Bob Sled
When Gayle is injured, Linda sends Bob off to pick her up so that she doesn't miss out on the Thanksgiving festivities. But an unexpected snowstorm derails his trip home, and his epic plan to prepare the turkey is foiled. Bob then must put the fate of the turkey and the Belcher Thanksgiving in Linda's hands and spend time bonding with his sister-in-law.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Nice-Capades
When a grumpy mall Santa threatens the kids with the dreaded Naughty List, Gene, Tina and Louise decide to put on a musical performance spectacular, which highlights all of their alleged good deeds from the past year, in order to earn their spot on the Nice List. But can they change Santa's mind in time to save their Christmas
TV-14
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Cook, the Steve, the Gayle, & Her Lover, The
When Bob throws a dinner party to bond with his new friend, Gayle uses the opportunity to introduce the family to her new love interest. Unbeknownst to Gayle, Louise has a long standing feud with her new boyfriend and will stop at nothing to break them apart. Calamity ensues as Bob attempts to impress his new buddy and the kids take action.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Family Guy
Son Also Draws, The
Lois loses $20,000 gambling at the Indian casino.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian: Portrait of a Dog
Brian decides to stand up for his rights when Peter enters him in a dog show.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter Peter Caviar Eater
Lois' aunt dies and leaves her mansion to the Griffins.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Holy Crap
Peter invites his religious father to live with the family.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Da Boom
Paranoid about Y2K, Peter herds the family into the basement for protection.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian In Love
A therapist tells Brian his carpet-wetting is the result of his repressed feelings for Lois.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Love Thy Trophy
The Griffins and their neighbors build a festival float; waitress Meg schemes to get bigger tips.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death is a Bitch
Death pays Peter a visit when he claims "deceased" on insurance forms.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but Stan's obsession with guns gets in the way. When they try to work out their differences at the shooting range, Hayley accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
King is Dead, The
Lois asks Peter to be the producer of "The King and I.''
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
I Am Peter Hear Me Roar
Peter finds his feminine side when he is sent to a women's retreat for sensitivity training.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'
Peter makes Chris pretend he's dying, in order to save a television program.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7998
Guests: Adam Scott, Genesis Rodriguez, The Vamps
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Old Bike Yarn
Caroline takes an abandoned bicycle to start a delivery service for their cupcake business but soon discovers that Max doesn't know how to ride one.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7998
Guests: Adam Scott, Genesis Rodriguez, The Vamps
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Perfect Getaway, A
Cliff and Cydney are an adventurous young couple celebrating their honeymoon by backpacking to one of the most beautiful, and remote, beaches in Hawaii. Hiking the wild, secluded trails, they believe they've found paradise. But when the pair comes across a group of frightened hikers discussing the horrifying murder of another newlywed couple on the islands, they begin to question whether they should turn back. Unsure whether to stay or flee, Cliff and Cydney join up with two other couples, and things begin to go terrifyingly wrong. Far from civilization or rescue, everyone begins to look like a threat and nobody knows whom to trust. Paradise becomes hell on earth as a brutal battle for survival begins.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Cabin
Jess invites Nick and Angie to spend a couples' weekend with her and Sam. Once there, however, she quickly discovers that two's company and four's a crowd. Meanwhile, Winston tries to teach Schmidt about race relations.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Father's Love, A
When Nick's con-man father suddenly reappears, Jess tries her best to fix the two men's relationship, despite Nick's fears that he's being used in another one of his dad's gambling schemes. Meanwhile, Schmidt teams up with Robby to try to win back Cece.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, February 28

6:00 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Business Affairs
Doug gets jealous of Carrie's gay co-worker and worries about the strength of their marriage.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Flash Photography
While at a wedding, Doug plays a lewd joke with a disposable camera.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Flame Resistant
Carrie finds out Doug's high-school sweetheart (Lola Glaudini) still keeps in touch with his mother.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Connect Four
Carrie and Doug try to find the perfect couple to join them at a Knicks game.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Of Lice And Men
Rallo is forced to have his head shaved after he contracts lice; Cleveland housesits for Freight Train and Cookie.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Mr. and Mrs. Brown
Cleveland and Cookie get mistaken for a married couple; after he gets caught stealing a candy bar, Rallo pins the theft on Junior.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join a women's organization, only to discover that she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Finances with Wolves
Stan gets a hefty bonus at work and uses it on himself, while Francine opens a muffin shop without Stan's approval. Now without a housewife at home, Stan puts Klaus's brain back into a human body. Meanwhile, Steve is convinced he's becoming a werewolf.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Running Mates
Peter runs against Lois for a seat on the school board.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Picture Is Worth A Thousand Bucks, A
Peter is envious of an old friend's success; Chris' painting gets serious attention.
TV-14
3:00 pm
The Detour
City, The
Nate is offered a new job in New York City, so the family moves from Syracuse to the Big Apple. Robin isn't thrilled about the idea. And of course, getting there will be way harder than it should be.
TV-MA
3:30 pm
The Detour
Club, The
Robin's ex Carlos lures her back into their wild past with a visit to the club where they used to party. Meanwhile, the kids meet Nate's new boss, and Nate gets a teeny bit jealous when he sees Robin with Carlos.
TV-MA
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Dirty Day, The
CHARLTON HESTON (As Himself) finds Joey in a compromising position during a movie shoot. Rachel regrets asking Ross for a favor.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Rugby, The
Chandler's annoying former girlfriend reappears. Ross plays rugby to impress Emily -- with painful results.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Party, The
Trying to become better acquainted with her sexy client, Rachel inadvertently thwarts Ross' plans for a romantic evening with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Free Porn, The
Monica helps Ross tell his girlfriend that he loves her. Phoebe gets some surprising news about her pregnancy.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Secretary, The
A new secretary's efficiency arouses George; Jerry spots a dry cleaner wearing his clothes.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
The Detour
Tub, The
As Nate and Robin contemplate having another baby, a neighbor's casual get-together turns into a home birth. And Delilah learns what it means to be a third wheel.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
February 8, 2017
Full Frontal takes a trip across the pond before Trump decides to drain that too.
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 7999
Guests: Martin Short, Natalie Zea, The Pretty Reckless
TV-14
12:00 am
The Detour
Tub, The
As Nate and Robin contemplate having another baby, a neighbor's casual get-together turns into a home birth. And Delilah learns what it means to be a third wheel.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 7999
Guests: Martin Short, Natalie Zea, The Pretty Reckless
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
From Paris with Love
A personal aide to the U.S. Ambassador in France, James Reese has an enviable life in Paris and a beautiful French girlfriend, but his real passion is his side job as a low-level operative for the CIA. All James wants is to become a bona fide agent and see some real action. So when he''s offered his first senior-level assignment, he can''t believe his good luck - until he meets his new partner, special agent Charlie Wax. A trigger-happy, wisecracking, loose cannon who''s been sent to Paris to stop a terrorist attack, Wax leads James on a white-knuckle shooting spree through the Parisian underworld that has James praying for his desk job. But when James discovers he''s a target of the same crime ring they''re trying to bust, he realizes there''s no turning back--and that Wax himself might be his only hope for making it through the next forty-eight hours alive.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Pepperwood
When Nick is convinced that one of Jess' students is hiding a nefarious secret, he goes undercover in her adult night school class. Meanwhile, Winston has an embarrassing encounter with Cece, causing an examination of all the loft-mate's peculiarities.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Cooler
Nick and Schmidt go out on a bro's night but quickly become infatuated with and highly competitive over a beautiful woman attracted to sadness. Meanwhile, Winston falls for a girl with absolutely no interest in him, which only makes him more attracted to her. Then, Jess' decision to have a night alone in the loft doesn't go as planned and involves another round of the drinking game "True American," and a surprising development in her relationship with one of the loft mates.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, March 1

6:00 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Mentalo Case
Doug recalls his childhood toy Mentalo; Arthur sends Holly to find the perfect gift for his daughter.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Loaner Car
Doug persuades Carrie to help Deacon prepare Thanksgiving Day dinner.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Golden Moldy
Doug downplays a problem in the basement so he and Carrie can still go on a trip they have planned.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
S' Poor House
Doug asks for financial assistance when insurance does not cover a mold problem.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Crazy Train
When Freight Train begins treating Cleveland with respect, Donna concludes there's only one cause: a mental breakdown; Junior and Rallo make off with a cherry-picker.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Wheel! Of! Family!
An exhausted Cleveland and Donna ask relatives for help when Junior, Roberta and Rallo run them ragged; Robert and Dee Dee adopt a baby; Junior takes a pole dancing class.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
It's Good to Be Queen
Stan seeks revenge for being the focus of a prank during his high school years by showing off that he married Francine, who was the homecoming queen. However, when her title is revealed to be a mistake, Stan's pride gets the best of him and goes out with the real queen.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Roger 'n Me
When Stan goes to Atlantic City for a bachelor party and is shunned by his so-called best friend, Roger steps in and becomes Stan's new sidekick. Their friendship goes to a whole new level, but when they return home and face Francine, Stan realizes that what happens in Atlantic City doesn't necessarily stay there.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Helping Handis
Stan wants Steve to be popular and goes to desperate measures by giving him steroids to make him bigger, better, and part of the in-crowd at school. But when the steroids have an unexpected side effect, Steve gets more attention than anyone expected.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
With Friends Like Steve's
After Steve shows a lack of interest in Stan's job, Stan replaces him with Barry, Steve's obese friend, who is in fact malicious (without his medication) and plots to replace Steve completely. Meanwhile, Roger does an impressive keg stand and becomes a fraternity brother.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fifteen Minutes of Shame
Meg exposes her family on a talk show.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road to Rhode Island
Stewie misbehaves while visiting his grandparents.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Tinfinity
Jess catches the eye of a professional football player, with whom Winston landed an exclusive interview for his radio station. Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt argue over the planning of their TinFinity party celebrating their tenth anniversary of living together, and Cece gets a surprise offer.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Quick Hardening Caulk
Jess comes to a conclusion about her romantic feelings for Nick and she struggles to tell him until she's hopped up on pain medication. But after admitting her feelings, she finds out he may have been keeping something from her. Meanwhile, Schmidt becomes obsessed with buying a fish, which Winston sees as a metaphor for Schmidt's unresolved feelings toward Cece, and Nick plans a bar promotion to impress the bar owner.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's New Dress, The
Ross and his ex-wife become jealous when their lovers go to England together. Rachel's plans to seduce her boyfriend go awry.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Haste, The
Drastic changes occur in Ross' relationship with Emily. Monica and Rachel will do anything to get their old apartment back from the guys.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Wedding Dresses, The
Rachel reacts drastically to Ross' engagement. Chandler becomes exasperated by Joey's snoring.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Invitation, The
Rachel and the engaged Ross reminisce separately about when they dated each other. The friends get invitations to Ross' wedding--but not all of them are going.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Speckerman Recurrance, The
Leonard comes face-to-face with his high school bully.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Shiny Trinket Maneuver, The
Sheldon gets in trouble with Amy, and it's up to Penny to teach him how to be a better boyfriend. Howard, meanwhile, must come to grips with Bernadette's dislike of children.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Conan Special
Conan Without Borders: Made in Mexico
With all of the negative news about the current state of the U.S.-Mexico relationship, Conan has decided to strike a positive note by heading to Mexico City, where he'll outsource his show by shooting his latest "CONAN Without Borders" special with the help of an all-Mexican staff, crew, guests and studio audience.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71001
Guests: Mandy Moore, Jimmy Pardo, Chris Lane
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Brand Job
Max and Caroline's friendship is severely tested when Caroline drags Max to a motivational business seminar to help brand their cupcake business.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71001
Guests: Mandy Moore, Jimmy Pardo, Chris Lane
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride
A proud father faces wedding planners, florists and caterers as he prepares for his daughter''''s wedding.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Chicago
When a death occurs in Nick's family, Jess, Schmidt and Winston travel with Nick to the Windy City to help him with the funeral preparations and meet his boisterous family members, including his mom, Bonnie; his younger brother, Jamie; and his Boston cousin, Bobby.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
First Date
Nick and Jess continue to struggle with the sexual tension in their relationship both hoping and willing the other to make the first move. After an awkward but exhilarating encounter in the loft hallway, an emboldened Nick asks Jess out on a first date, but it turns out that they both may not be on the same page. And Schmidt and Winston worry that if Nick becomes involved with Jess, it will alter the carefully calibrated dynamics in the loft.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, March 2

6:00 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Attention Deficit
Doug tries to prove to Carrie that he thinks about her all the time; friends threaten to ditch Doug's Super Bowl party for a co-worker's.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Steve Moscow
Doug has a disagreement with his contractor, who then leaves his house in disarray.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Prints Charming
Doug and Carrie feel insecure about their lives after they accidentally pick up the exciting pictures of another couple.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Cowardly Lyin'
Doug gets caught lying to avoid going to the opera.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Pilot
Cleveland and his overweight 14-year-old son say goodbye to Quahog and set out for California. Along the way, Cleveland stops in his old hometown, where he eventually marries former classmate Donna Tubbs.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Da Doggone Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance
Cleveland asks Roberta to accompany him to a daddy/daughter dance at school, but his hopes of establishing a bond are torpedoed after he accidentally runs over the family's dog.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Tears of a Clooney
Francine is feeling depressed as another birthday comes around. In an effort to cheer her up, Stan helps Francine hatch a plan to break George Clooney's heart. Meanwhile, Roger adopts a bunch of orphans to help work his vineyard.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Camp Refoogee
Stan tries to get Steve to attend summer camp; the only one he can find, however, turns out to be a refugee camp in Africa. Meanwhile, Roger and Francine take up role-playing, though they can't come up with a mutual backstory.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
American Dad After School Special, The
Steve starts dating an overweight girl. Stan's insecurity about his own body image leads him to anorexia.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Failure Is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Stan loses his confidence, and his job, when a car salesman gets the best of him in a negotiation. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve set up a makeshift drive-in to try to get to first base with popular schoolgirls.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Let's Go To The Hop
Peter infiltrates Quahog High School as a new student; guest voice Gregg Allman.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Dammit Janet
Lois enrolls Stewie at a day care center.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Bachelorette Party
Jess decides to throw Cece a surprise bachelorette party while Nick and Winston awkwardly take her fiance, Shivrang, out for the night. Then, as Schmidt desperately tries to find a real girlfriend in time for the wedding in order to get a plus one, he is forced to seek out his old girlfriend from his fat Schmidt college days.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Virgins
In a series of flashbacks, Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston and Cece tell one another how they each lost their virginity. After regaling each other with their awkward exploits they begin to realize how their first sexual experience continues to affect their sex lives, and one relationship changes forever.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Wedding Part 1, The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding. CHRISTINA PICKLES, RICHARD BRANSON, JENNIFER SAUNDERS, TOM CONTI, ELLIOTT GOULD and SARAH, THE DUCHESS OF YORK guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One with Ross's Wedding Part 2, The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's. OLIVIA WILLIAMS and HUGH LAURIE guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Beard, The
Elaine tries to change a gay man; George and his date have similar problems.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doorman, The
A doorman (Larry Miller) tries to cause trouble for Jerry; Kramer develops a male undergarment.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Jimmy, The
Jerry suspects his dentist and hygienist are living out their fantasies at his expense.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doodle, The
Fleas force Jerry and his parents out of his apartment; guest Christa Miller.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Model Apartment
Supermodels Lily Aldridge and Martha Hunt rent Max and Caroline's apartment for a fun girls' weekend.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And a Loan for Christmas
Max and Caroline obtain a bank loan to mass-produce their cupcake T-shirts so they can sell them at high-end boutiques. Meanwhile, the diner gang poses in Chestnut's barn for a holiday decorating contest Sophie entered.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vacation Solution, The
When Sheldon is forced to take a vacation by the university, he goes to work with Amy in her neurobiology lab.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71002
Guests: Lisa Kudrow, Justin Bartha, The Strumbrellas
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Fun Factory
Max and Caroline hire a factory to produce their cupcake T-shirts, but they become suspicious of the work conditions there due to the company's overly enthusiastic employees.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71002
Guests: Lisa Kudrow, Justin Bartha, The Strumbrellas
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Fusilli Jerry, The
A mechanic pal (Patrick Warburton) uses Jerry's romantic techniques on Elaine.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he''s finally ahead of the game. And that''s when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they''re going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it''s Nina''s turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this ''90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
What About Fred?
Jess is ready to date again, but is disappointed in the dud spud she lands, and things get complicated when she takes a serious liking to his perfectly fun parents.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Jury Duty
Jess in unable to sustain her excitement about jury duty after finding out she may be in line for a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Nick hits the ceiling over the mess Cece's made of the loft.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
 

Friday, March 3

6:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats' music video.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
When Steve dumps Marcy to become a park ranger, ever-supportive Peggy talks her into a Las Vegas vacation with Al. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Queens' bro Bridge
Doug becomes excited when he learns Arthur inherited a house 10 years ago and may move.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Driving Reign
Doug reluctantly agrees to give his cousin a recommendation to be promoted to driver at IPS.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Clothes Encounter
Carrie returns expensive clothes for a full refund after wearing them.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Bed Spread
Doug and Carrie borrow twin beds belonging to Deacon's children after their own bed breaks.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
One About Friends, The
Cleveland tries to pair up Cleveland Jr. with Lester's son, Ernie, but things backfire when Child Services puts Ernie in a foster home; Tim and Holt take a trip to Las Vegas.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Birth of a Salesman
Tim helps Cleveland find a position at the cable television company where he works, only to grow jealous when Cleveland excels at his job.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Lincoln Lover
Greg introduces Stan to the Langley Falls Log Cabin Republicans. Only after Stan is taken with their fabulous ways does he realize that it's a gay group. To gain further acceptance into this wonderful group, Stan decides to become gay. Meanwhile, Terry is furious to discover Greg is a Republican.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Dungeons and Wagons
Stan gets mixed up in street racing to put some excitement back in his marriage. After Hayley breaks up with Jeff Fischer, Jeff becomes video game pals with Steve. In an attempt to get Jeff back, Hayley kills Steve's beloved video game character.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Iced, Iced Babies
With Steve busy with his girlfriend, Francine decides she wants another baby. Stan, however, does not, so he secretly gets a vasectomy. But Francine discovers he still has sperm left in a CIA sperm bank. Meanwhile, Roger becomes a professor at Hayley's community college and earns the adoration of a psycho student.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Of Ice and Men
Stan's competitive streak is unleashed when he and Francine start ice dancing together. Stan dumps Francine to compete with Roger. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends get a mail order Russian bride.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Winston's Birthday
Jess' dad chooses the worst day to pay the loft an unexpected visit, forcing a nervous Nick to spend the day alone with him. Jess finds herself with a huge opportunity for a new job on the day before Cece's wedding, and Schmidt must take a look in the mirror and confront his real feelings about Elizabeth. Meanwhile, Winston psyches himself up for his huge surprise birthday celebration, which no one seemed to remember to throw for him.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Elaine's Big Day
Cece's wedding day finds Jess and Nick making a decision about their relationship. Meanwhile, Schmidt schemes with a typically overenthusiastic Winston to sabotage the nuptials, although a shocking announcement may be bigger than anything he has planned.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Hates PBS, The
Joey challenges Phoebe to perform a completely selfless act. Monica gets upset when Chandler gloats about sex. Ross might finally reconcile with Emily -- but he must make a tough decision.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Kips, The
Ross tells Rachel that he cannot be around her once Emily comes to New York. Chandler and Monica try to have a romantic weekend.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Diplomat's Club, The
Kramer woos a rich Texan in hopes she will finance his women's fashion line; guests Debra Jo Rupp, Kim Zimmer.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Understudy, The
George is suspected of injuring Bette Midler in a softball game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Face Painter, The
Elaine's boyfriend's behavior at a hockey game appalls her and Jerry.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Note, The
Jerry tries to help a dentist friend accused of insurance fraud.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Help, The
At the dawn of the civil rights movement, three Mississippi women are about to take one extraordinary step. Twenty-two-year-old Skeeter has just returned home after graduating from Ole Miss, and her mother won''t be happy until she finds a husband. Aibileen, a wise African-American maid and caretaker, suffers after the loss of her own child. And Minny, Aibileen''s sassy best friend, struggles to find and hold a job. Seemingly as different from one another as can be, these women will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk.
TV-14
11:00 pm
The Detour
Tub, The
As Nate and Robin contemplate having another baby, a neighbor's casual get-together turns into a home birth. And Delilah learns what it means to be a third wheel.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family
Madea, a wise-cracking, take-no-prisoners grandma, jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can't manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It's up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right the only way she knows how: with a lot of tough love, laughter, and the revelation of a long-buried family secret.
TV-14
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Help, The
At the dawn of the civil rights movement, three Mississippi women are about to take one extraordinary step. Twenty-two-year-old Skeeter has just returned home after graduating from Ole Miss, and her mother won''t be happy until she finds a husband. Aibileen, a wise African-American maid and caretaker, suffers after the loss of her own child. And Minny, Aibileen''s sassy best friend, struggles to find and hold a job. Seemingly as different from one another as can be, these women will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Nerd
When Jess desperately tries to fit in with a clique of mean girl teachers at her new school, she mistakenly turns to Nick for advice on how to deal with them. Meanwhile, an office party is anything but fun for Schmidt, and Winston plots revenge while cat-sitting for Daisy, whom he suspects is cheating on him.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, March 4

6:00 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Daddy's Little Girls
A single father, Monty, is a garage mechanic who lives in a poor neighborhood and struggles to make ends meet as he raises his three young daughters on his own. But when the courts award custody of his daughters to his corrupt, drug-dealing ex-wife, Monty desperately tries to win them back, enlisting the help of Julia, a beautiful--and hard-nosed--attorney he meets during his short stint as a chauffeur. While Monty and the Ivy-League-educated Julia couldn''t be less alike, an unexpected romance blossoms--and it soon begins to feel like true love. But in order for their relationship to survive, the couple must reconcile their two very different worlds--and overcome the forces that threaten to tear Monty''s family apart.
TV-14
9:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family
Madea, a wise-cracking, take-no-prisoners grandma, jumps into action when her niece, Shirley, receives distressing news about her health. All Shirley wants is to gather her three adult children around her and share the news as a family. But Tammy, Kimberly and Byron are too distracted by their own problems: Tammy can't manage her unruly children or her broken marriage; Kimberly is gripped with anger and takes it out on her husband; and Byron, after spending two years in jail, is under pressure to deal drugs again. It's up to Madea, with the help of the equally rambunctious Aunt Bam, to gather the clan together and make things right the only way she knows how: with a lot of tough love, laughter, and the revelation of a long-buried family secret.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
After a high-speed freeway chase puts Madea in front of the judge, her reprieve is short-lived as anger management issues get the best of her and land her in jail. A gleeful Joe couldn''t be happier at Madea''s misfortune. But Madea''s eccentric family members the Browns rally behind her, lending their special "country" brand of support. Meanwhile, Assistant District Attorney Joshua Hardaway is on the fast track to career success. But Hardaway lands a case too personal to handle--defending young prostitute and former drug addict Candace Washington--and asks his fiancée and fellow ADA Linda Holmes to fill in on his behalf. When Candace ends up in jail, Madea befriends the young woman, protecting her in a "motherly" way as only Madea can.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Step Up 2 The Streets
When rebellious street dancer Andie lands at the elite Maryland School of the Arts, she finds herself fighting to fit in while also trying to hold onto her old life. When she joins forces with the school''s hottest dancer Chase to form a crew of classmate outcasts to compete in Baltimore''s underground dance battle The Streets, she ultimately finds a way to live her dream while building a bridge between her two separate worlds.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Yeti, The
Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Sandwich, The
Joey becomes exasperated from hiding Chandler and Monica's secret. Ross gets in trouble when he expresses his rage.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Work Laugh, The
Chandler's behavior toward his boss annoys Monica. Ross' latest romance astounds everyone.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Past and the Furious
Caroline is shocked when she receives a Lamborghini for her birthday, which her father ordered for her four years ago. Meanwhile, Oleg plans something special for Sophie.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Move-in Meltdown
Max, Caroline, Earl and Han help Oleg move into Sophie's apartment, until she begins turning away all of his stuff.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Crime Ring
Max and Caroline are arrested for breaking into a cute guy's apartment to retrieve some rings Caroline left there after she spent the night.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Knock Off Knockout
Max and Caroline get into a legal battle with two teens who knocked off their cupcake T-shirts and sold them.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Great Unwashed
Max and Caroline learn that one of their customers at the diner is a successful photographer who is keeping a secret.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rothman Disintegration, The
When a corner office at the University opens up, Sheldon must compete for it with his office nemesis, Barry Kripke. Meanwhile, Penny receives an unusual gift from Amy.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Werewolf Transformation, The
A change in Sheldon's routine forces him to re-evaluate his entire life, when his barber is sick. Meanwhile, Howard rethinks his decision to go into space after astronaut training.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Weekend Vortex, The
Sheldon chooses to participate in a guys-only weekend Star Wars gaming marathon rather than go with Amy to her aunt's birthday party... and gets a lesson from Penny and Amy.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Transporter Malfunction, The
It's a dream come true for Sheldon when he has a close encounter with his hero, Mr. Spock -- legendary sci-fi icon LEONARD NIMOY.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hawking Excitation, The
Sheldon has a chance to meet his hero, STEPHEN HAWKING.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Stag Convergence, The
Howard's wedding plans are in jeopardy after the guys (and Wil Wheaton) throw him a bachelor party and details of his sexual history are leaked online.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Launch Acceleration, The
When NASA reschedules Howard's mission and puts his wedding plans in jeopardy, he's forced to face his fears and Bernadette's dad (guest star CASEY SANDER).
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
February 15, 2017
Full Frontal finally takes a look at all the bulls**t we've been missing since the White House of Horrors opened.
TV-MA
11:30 pm
The Detour
Tub, The
As Nate and Robin contemplate having another baby, a neighbor's casual get-together turns into a home birth. And Delilah learns what it means to be a third wheel.
TV-MA
12:00 am
Conan Special
Conan Without Borders: Made in Mexico
With all of the negative news about the current state of the U.S.-Mexico relationship, Conan has decided to strike a positive note by heading to Mexico City, where he'll outsource his show by shooting his latest "CONAN Without Borders" special with the help of an all-Mexican staff, crew, guests and studio audience.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Step Up 2 The Streets
When rebellious street dancer Andie lands at the elite Maryland School of the Arts, she finds herself fighting to fit in while also trying to hold onto her old life. When she joins forces with the school''s hottest dancer Chase to form a crew of classmate outcasts to compete in Baltimore''s underground dance battle The Streets, she ultimately finds a way to live her dream while building a bridge between her two separate worlds.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Something Borrowed
Rachel is a talented attorney at a top New York law firm, a generous and loyal friend and, unhappily, still single as her engaged best friend Darcy is constantly reminding her. But after one drink too many at her 30th birthday party, perpetual good girl Rachel unexpectedly ends up in bed with the guy she''s had a crush on since law school, Dex, who just happens to be Darcy''s fiancé. When Rachel and Darcy''s lifelong friendship collides with true love, it leads to unexpected complications and potentially explosive romantic revelations. Meanwhile, Ethan, who has been Rachel''s constant confidante and sometimes conscience, has been harboring a secret of his own, and Marcus, an irrepressible womanizer, can''t keep his mind out of the gutter or his hands off any girl within reach.
TV-14
5:30 am
New Girl
All In
Nick and Jess decide to go all in on their romantic relationship, which leads them to run away to a Mexican beach town. But when Nick runs into trouble with the authorities, it's Schmidt and Winston to the possible rescue, which may land Nick into even deeper trouble. Meanwhile, Schmidt makes a decision regarding Cece and Elizabeth, and Winston becomes obsessed with completing a puzzle.
TV-14
 

Sunday, March 5

6:00 am
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Bag, The
Phoebe meets another long-lost relative. Joey wears a shoulder bag. Series star LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Everybody Finds Out, The
Chandler and Monica's relationship becomes less of a secret. Ross must prove to his boss that he's sane in order to return to work.
TV-14
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl Who Hits Joey, The
Chandler thinks Monica wants more from their relationship. Ross fails to impress his new neighbors.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Movie
Walk to Remember, A
Each spring in the little port town of Beaufort, North Carolina, when the wind smells of pine and salt and the sea, Landon Carter remembers his senior year at Beaufort High and Jamie Sullivan, the girl who changed his life... Serious and conservative, Jamie is the daughter of the town's Baptist minister and not afraid of letting people know that her faith is the most important part of her life, even if it cost her some friends. After a harmless prank goes terribly wrong, Landon is forced to tutor a young student at a poor school and participate in the Drama Club's spring play - two activities the principal hopes will teach him some humility. They also happen to throw him into close contact with Jamie. Clearly in over his head, Landon is forced to ask her for help. Soon, against his own expectations, Landon finds himself falling in love with this outwardly plain girl who possesses a passion for life he never imagined possible.
TV-PG
1:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby''s father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid''s mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you''ve just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they''re not the soul mates they''d hoped they might be. With Alison''s harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they''ve got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Countdown Reflection, The
When Howard and Bernadette decide they want to be married before his NASA space launch, the gang rushes to put on a wedding, on the fifth season finale.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Date Night Variable, The
On the sixth season premiere, Howard discovers that he can't escape his mother -- even in space! Back on earth, meanwhile, Raj turns his existence as a third wheel into an art form.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Decoupling Fluctuation, The
When Sheldon learns that Penny is thinking about breaking up with Leonard, he tries to intervene. Meanwhile, Howard is being picked on in space by the other astronauts.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Higgs Boson Observation, The
Amy's nervous when Sheldon hires Alex, a female assistant.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Re-Entry Minimization, The
Howard returns from space...without the welcome he wanted.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Holographic Excitation, The
The gang celebrates Halloween at Stuart's comic book store. Meanwhile Leonard and Penny discover a new spark in their relationship when he seduces her with science.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Extract Obliteration, The
Sheldon's friendship with renowned scientist STEPHEN HAWKING is threatened by a game of "Words with Friends," while Penny secretly enrolls in a class at the local college.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Habitation Configuration, The
Bernadette pressures Howard to move out of his mother's house, while Sheldon finds himself caught in the middle of a fight between Amy and Wil Wheaton.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Special
iHeart Radio Music Awards
Fan-fueled iHeartRadio Music Awards return from the fabulous Forum in Los Angeles. The 4th year of the event will again be televised live on TBS, TNT and truTV; and simulcast on iHeartMedia stations nationwide, as well as on iHeartRadio, the all-in-one digital music and live streaming radio service.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Special
iHeart Radio Music Awards
Fan-fueled iHeartRadio Music Awards return from the fabulous Forum in Los Angeles. The 4th year of the event will again be televised live on TBS, TNT and truTV; and simulcast on iHeartMedia stations nationwide, as well as on iHeartRadio, the all-in-one digital music and live streaming radio service.
TV-14
12:00 am
The Detour
Tub, The
As Nate and Robin contemplate having another baby, a neighbor's casual get-together turns into a home birth. And Delilah learns what it means to be a third wheel.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby''s father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid''s mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you''ve just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they''re not the soul mates they''d hoped they might be. With Alison''s harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they''ve got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Not So Fast
When Ray and Debra visit Fank and Marie's condo, they learn that the owners are going to kick them out. Marie and Frank move out. Robert and Amy are upset, but they let Frank and Marie live with them.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Angry Sex
Ray worries that Debra's fight with Marie could put a stop to his plans.
TV-PG
 

Monday, March 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
8:00 am
King of Queens, The
Taste Buds
After Arthur chooses their dinner and movie, Doug stews about not getting his way.
TV-PG
8:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dog Shelter
Carrie learns Doug's parents have been sheltering him by replacing his beloved dog with look-alikes.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss, The
Rachel interviews for a great job--but she may get it for the wrong reason. Monica competes to have a better relationship than Phoebe's.
TV-14
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Smokes, The
Rachel submits to peer pressure at work. Joey and Ross' son audition for the same commercial -- but only one can get the part.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Can't Flirt, The
Ross' flirting technique fails to impress a cute pizza-delivery woman. A surprise awaits Joey when he tells everyone about his big television appearance.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ride Along, The
The guys enjoy riding along with a police officer -- until a gunshot is heard. Rachel overhears a telephone message for Ross from his second ex-wife.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Cleveland Jr.'s Cherry Bomb
In an attempt to keep Roberta from having sex with Federline Jones, Cleveland takes the family to chuch...where Cleveland Jr. pledges to maintain his virginity.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Ladies' Night
Tired of attending social gatherings with neighbors, Donna sneaks off and, pretending she's still unmarried, spends time with her friends at a single mothers group; Rallo helps Junior run for student council president.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Irregarding Steve
When Steve realizes he's smarter than Stan, he throws it in Stan's face and moves with Roger to New York City to become writers. There, they quickly realize they're short on street smarts when they fall in with the pretentious hairdresser, Mr. Beauregard. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of the lives of the squirrels living in the Smith's backyard.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Best Christmas Story Never Told, The
Stan goes to the past to keep Jane Fonda from ruining Christmas, but he winds up creating an alternate future where the United States has been taken over by the Soviet Union.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Bush Comes to Dinner
President Bush comes to dinner when Stan wins an essay-writing contest. Hayley is determined to bring down the presidency after Roger accidentally gets Bush drunk. Meanwhile, Roger thinks he's found Osama bin Laden.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
American Dream Factory
Stan feels like he's not climbing the ladder fast enough at work, so he turns to his lifelong ambition of making festive teddy bears. However, when he realizes that making a quick profit takes a lot of work, he resorts to using illegal aliens as cheap labor.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Gene & Courtney Show, The
Gene and Courtney get their big break when they are asked to be the new hosts of the morning announcements, but their romantic history threatens to get in the way. Meanwhile, Tina's attempt to play Cupid goes tragically awry when she volunteers to spearhead the Valentine's Day carnation fundraiser.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Sexy Dance Healing
After Bob slips on the sidewalk, he is forced to take legal action in order to pay for surgery. In a turn of events, Bob finds himself under the care of Jairo, who promises to help him heal without a doctor. Meanwhile, the kids create a fake law firm to settle their personal disputes.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
Sacred Couch
During family TV night an ad for the Sofa Queen comes on and Louise takes the opportunity to lobby for a new couch. The Belchers take sides with Linda, gathering support for keeping their lumpy, smelly, moist couch, because off all the memories it holds. When a family vote goes against her, Louise takes matters into her own hands.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Bob's Burgers
Lice Things Are Lice
When Tina volunteers alongside Nurse Liz, she finds herself involved in the biggest scandal to hit Wagstaff School: a lice infestation. Meanwhile, Bob makes improvements to the restaurant that end up driving customers away. Can the Belchers juggle both a crisis at the restaurant and lice
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Bob's Burgers
House of 1000 Bounces
When there is a bounce house crisis at regular-sized Rudy's birthday party, the Belcher kids devise a scheme to save the day. Meanwhile, Bob deals with an unexpected guest at the restaurant and is forced to come to terms with a longstanding fear.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
There's Something About Paulie
As a favor, Peter takes a mobster's nephew to a movie.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
He's Too Sexy For His Fat
Peter talks himself into getting liposuction and other plastic surgery.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
E Peterbus Unum
Peter declares his land a country and makes himself president.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Story On Page One, The
Meg writes for the school paper to improve her Ivy League chances.
TV-14
6:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Wasted Talent
Peter and his friends go on a drinking binge to find a winning ticket in a bottle; Lois works Ling too hard for a competition.
TV-14
7:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fore Father
Chris gets a job picking up golf balls; Peter ignores Chris in favor of Cleveland Jr.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Thin White Line
Brian's keen sense of smell gets him a job with the police department.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Does Hollywood
Brian's first job in Hollywood is directing a pornographic film.
TV-14
8:30 pm
American Dad (DVS)
A.T. the Abusive Terrestrial
Feeling shunned by Steve, Roger befriends a new boy, Henry. Their honeymoon is short lived as Henry starts abusing Roger. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine hijack the Pibbmobile in an effort to save the fledgling soft drink from going off the market forever.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Black Mystery Month
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War. When the curator of the Smithsonian Peanut Museum reaches out to tell Steve the truth, he's mysteriously murdered, and Steve and Stan are tracked by a secret society that will stop at nothing to keep this scandalous secret of American history.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington
The tobacco industry sends Peter to Washington to present a speech about smoking.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
One If By Clam, Two if By Sea
A British man buys Peter's favorite bar after a hurricane.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
And The Wiener Is...
Peter joins a gun club to compensate for his lack of physical assets; Meg becomes the target of the ``cool'' gang's wrath.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71003
Guests: Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Nasim Pedrad, Sinkane
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Cupcake Captives
Sophie's wedding is interrupted by a hostage situation. Meanwhile, Max and Caroline's cupcake business gets some unwanted attention when a tenant who is wearing one of their company's T-shirts is arrested.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71003
Guests: Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Nasim Pedrad, Sinkane
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Truth, The
A woman (Valerie Mahaffey) wants to know why George doesn't want to see her.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
17 Again
At 17 Mike O''Donell (Zac Efron) was on top of the world; he was a basketball star and was a shoe in for a college scholarship. But on what''s supposed to be his big game where college scouts are checking him out, His girlfriend Scarlett reveals that she''s pregnant. Mike decides to leave the game and asks Scarlett to marry him. During their marriage, Mike could only whine about the life he lost because he married her. So she throws him out. And when he loses his job, he returns to the only place he''s happy at - his old high school. And while looking at his high school photo, a janitor asks him if he wishes he could be 17 again and he says yes. One night while driving he sees the janitor on a bridge and apparently jumps in and he goes after him. When he returns to his friend Ned''s house, where he has been staying, he sees that he is 17 again. He decides to take this opportunity to get the life he lost.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Double Date
Thinking Schmidt has chosen to be with Cece, Jess and Nick invite him to go on a double date with them. Nick is caught between loyalty to his friend and loyalty to his girlfriend when he finds out a shocking secret. Meanwhile, Winston promises to get the foursome a table at an ultra-exclusive restaurant that doesn't take reservations.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Captain, The
A vengeful Schmidt targets Jess and Nick's relatively happy relationship. Meanwhile, when Winston learns that Furguson the cat must be neutered, he is determined to give this feline one last night of carnal glory.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and tell it to the judge.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, March 7

6:00 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous husband shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school, at Al's expense, and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his close encounter.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Fatty McButterpants
Doug has a hard time coming to grips with his need to lose weight.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Roast Chicken
Doug turns to Carrie and Arthur for help when he is roped into roasting the head of his company.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Do Rico
Doug learns how to excite Carrie in the bedroom; Arthur wants his life chronicled.
TV-14
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Class Struggle
After Carrie decides to go back to college, Doug turns to his sister (Ricki Lake) for advice.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Brown Thanksgiving, A
While celebrating Thanksgiving with his parents and family, Cleveland discovers that Donna's Auntie Momma is transgendered; Roberta and Federline end up at a homeless mission after Federline's car is stolen.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
From Bed to Worse
After tiring of Cleveland's presence at the house, Rallo decides to drive a wedge between Cleveland and Donna by sleeping in their bed.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Apocalypse to Remember, An
A misunderstanding at the CIA leads Stan to believe it's the end of the world. Even after he realizes his error, he keeps his family convinced they are the last people on Earth so they will respect him. Meanwhile, Roger gets married so he can buy a new blender.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Four Little Words
Stan goes to great lengths to never, ever end up in a situation ending with Francine telling him, "I told you so." She lets him hook his boss Bullock up with her friend, but when Bullock accidentally kills the woman, Stan frames Francine so she'll stop asking questions.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
When Stan Loves a Woman
Stan gets jealous when he discovers how promiscuous Francine was in the past. He decides the only way to even the score is to divorce Francine and sow some wild oats of his own. Meanwhile, Steve gets addicted to an energy drink.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
I Can't Stan You
Stan drives himself crazy worrying about his neighbors' opinion of him. Roger and Steve become con artists.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Death Lives
After a near-death experience on his anniversary, Peter learns the importance of spending time with Lois.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Lethal Weapons
New Yorkers invade the town in the fall; Lois hones her martial-arts skills.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Box, The
When Nick inherits some money from his late father, Jess is determined to put the funds to good use and secretly tackle Nick's box of unwanted responsibilities, aka bills. Meanwhile, Schmidt tries to find meaning in life and asks for guidance from Rabbi Feiglin.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Keaton
In an effort to reconnect with Cece, Jess throws a Halloween party at the loft. And hoping to change Schmidt's sullen behavior, the loftmates resort to catfishing him by pretending to be his childhood idol, actor Michael Keaton. Then, Schmidt makes a decision that could change the loft forever.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ball, The
Phoebe's boyfriend wants her to move in with him. Ross and Joey involve Chandler and Monica in an obsessive game.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Big Break, The
Joey's first major film role leads to an unexpected experience in Las Vegas. Phoebe can't remember why she hates Ross.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas Part 1, The
The gang travels to Las Vegas, Nevada, where more than one surprise awaits. After Ross misinterprets Rachel's actions, a war of public humiliation results.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas Part 2, The
Monica and Chandler get lucky in Las Vegas, Nevada. Rachel makes Ross regret playing a prank on her. Joey schemes for fame and fortune.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Dog, The
Jerry gets stuck sitting for an unruly dog.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Library, The
The library asks Jerry about a book overdue since 1971.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pen, The
Jerry accepts a gift his parents wanted him to refuse.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Parking Garage, The
Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer lose their car in a mall parking garage.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
43 Peculiarity, The
Howard and Raj try to solve a mystery about Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Parking Spot Escalation, The
Sheldon & Howard battle over an assigned parking spot.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Fish Guts Displacement, The
Howard bonds with his father-n-law on a fishing trip.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Santa Simulation, The
Sheldon unwillingly revisits some Christmas memories during a lively game of Dungeons and Dragons, while Raj joins the girls for ladies night out.
TV-14
10:00 pm
The Detour
Court, The
Robin attempts to get a divorce from Carlos, but he has other ideas. She's also forced to come clean about her past in the city.
TV-MA
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Egg Salad Equivalency, The
Sheldon is accused of sexual harassment at the University and winds up dragging Leonard, Raj and Howard into the fray.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71004
Guests: Hippo Campus
TV-14
12:00 am
The Detour
Court, The
Robin attempts to get a divorce from Carlos, but he has other ideas. She's also forced to come clean about her past in the city.
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71004
Guests: Hippo Campus
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Cafe, The
Jerry tries to help the owner of a deserted neighborhood cafe.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Role Models
Two salesmen, Wheeler and Danny, trash a company truck on an energy drink-fueled bender. Upon their arrest, the court gives them a choice: do hard time or spend 150 service hours with a mentorship program. After one day with the kids, however, jail doesn't look half bad. Surrounded by annoying do-gooders, Danny struggles with every neurotic impulse to guide Augie through the trials of becoming a man. Unfortunately, the guy just dumped by his girlfriend has only sarcasm to offer a bashful 16-year-old obsessed with medieval role play. Meanwhile, charming Wheeler tries to trade in an addiction to partying and women to assist a fifth-grader named Ronnie in redirecting his foul-mouthed ways. It would probably help if Ronnie's new mentor wasn't an overgrown adolescent whose idea of quality time includes keggers in Venice Beach. Once the center's ex-con director gives them an ultimatum, Danny and Wheeler are forced to tailor their brand of immature wisdom to their charges. And if they can just make it through probation without getting thrown in jail, the world's worst role models will prove that, sometimes, it takes a village idiot to raise a child.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Coach
A newly single Coach returns to the loft, and wants to pick up exactly where he left off when he moved out. Meanwhile Jess and Cece have a girls' night out, during which they meet a handsome stranger.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Menus
An overabundance of Chinese food take-out menus left at the loft's front door is the catalyst for an interconnected series of adventures for Jess and the guys.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
And Baby Makes Money
Al discovers new-found passion when he learns that he and Peggy stand to inherit a fortune by producing another Bundy baby.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, March 8

6:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Who
When Marcy wakes up to discover a man in her bed and a wedding ring on her finger, she gives Peggy and Al the cash to throw her a lavish wedding but giving Marcy the party of her dreams is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Look Who's Barking
Buck the Dog, fed up with being neglected by the Bundys, decides to leave home and venture out into the world, where he meets a canine femme fatale.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Godfather
Al entertains notions of greatness when he discovers that Kelly's new boyfriend is an influential city politician.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Man's Castle, A
When Peg enrolls in an interior design course, she chooses the Bundy home as her first project but Al's in an uproar when she sets her sights on his sacred domain, the bathroom.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
All-Night Security Dude
When the shoe store temporarily gives Al the boot, he takes a job as Polk High's night security guard but when his prized football trophy is stolen, he comes face to face with his high school rival, Spare Tire Dixon, who wants to even the score.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Peg and Al must decide whether to give their last hundred dollars to Bud, who's been selected a top teen and invited to go to the White House and meet the President, or to Kelly, who has a chance to become Miss Weenie Tot and win a year's supply of Al's favorite treat.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Strike One
Doug buys a new car against Carrie's wishes and regrets it almost immediately.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Strike Too
With nothing to do during the IPS strike, Doug tries substitute teaching at the school at which his sister, Stephanie (Ricki Lake), works.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Strike Out
The IPS strike continues and Carrie arranges a play date for Doug.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Dark Meet
Doug and Carrie have flashbacks of their first Thanksgiving together.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Cleveland Brown Christmas, A
Cleveland discovers that Donna has been lying to Rallo as to why Robert never shows up for Christmas...and makes it his mission to reconnect father and son.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Field of Streams
After raising money to rebuild the high school's sports stadium, Cleveland becomes the baseball team's coach...and attempts to convince his son to play ball.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Magnificent Steven, The
Stan takes Steve and his friends on a cattle drive through Langley Falls in an effort to turn them into men. But when Stan eats beef tainted with mad cow disease, it's up to the boys to save the day. Meanwhile, Roger pits Francine and Hayley against each other for his own amusement.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Joint Custody
Stan tries to get an unsuspecting Jeff Fischer out of his life for good by taking him on a road trip to Florida, where there is a warrant out for Jeff's arrest. Meanwhile, Roger wants to turn Jeff in himself so he can claim the reward money. Francine, Hayley, and Steve want to intervene as Stan and Roger battle it out on the road, but they are stranded at the Smith house until they can find Francine's car keys.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Vacation Goo, The
The Smiths find out that their outstanding family vacations have only been experiences in virtual reality. Stan vows to redeem himself by taking the family on a cruise, but when they are stranded on a remote island, things get out of hand. Meanwhile, Roger goes from cruise ship singer to a dancer in a seedy gentlemen's club.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Meter Made
In order to be taken more seriously, Stan becomes a meter maid who seems to have all the power. Now he's getting the best tables at restaurants, pocketing quarters from meters, and impressing Francine with his prowess. But when Turlington from Parking Internal Affairs pays him a visit, Stan realizes crime and this lifestyle don't pay.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Kiss Seen 'Round The World
Meg lands an intership working with the school nerd at a television station.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Mr. Saturday Knight
Peter decides to pursue his dream career as a knight.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Longest Night Ever
Jess is tasked with keeping a frantic Schmidt occupied inside the loft, as Coach and Cece go out on a first date. Meanwhile, Nick and Winston meet a frisky bus driver as they search for a missing Furguson.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Thanksgiving III
During a Thanksgiving camping trip, Coach and Schmidt compete to be the best woodsman while Cece and Winston share a dislike of the outdoors.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Vegas, The
Two of the friends leave Las Vegas married. Joey and Phoebe have a cross-country adventure.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Hugs Rachel, The
Monica is bewildered by Rachel's reaction to a change in their living arrangement. Phoebe tries to make Ross confront his feelings for Rachel.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Denial, The
Despite Phoebe's admonitions, Ross makes a drastic decision about Rachel. Chandler and Monica bicker over their living arrangements.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Monica's Thunder, The
Monica excitedly reveals her good news to everyone, but Rachel and Ross upstage her. Chandler has trouble making love.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Tape, The
Elaine puts an erotic message on Jerry's tape recorder; George gets excited.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Nose Job, The
Jerry reconsiders dating a vacuous actress (Tawny Kitaen); George dates a woman with a big nose.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Alternate Side, The
Elaine dumps a 66-year-old, who then has a heart attack.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Red Dot, The
Elaine's alcoholic boyfriend resumes drinking; Jerry is the unwitting cause.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bakersfield Expedition, The
Leonard's car is stolen when the guys take a road trip to a comic book convention in Bakersfield, dressed as Star Trek characters.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cooper, The/Kripke Inversion
Outraged that he's being forced to work with his university nemesis, Barry Kripke (guest star JOHN ROSS BOWIE), Sheldon faces a crisis of conscience.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spoiler Alert Segmentation, The
When Sheldon and Leonard fight, it affects Penny and Amy's living arrangements. Meanwhile, Raj takes care of Mrs. Wolowitz while Howard is away.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tangible Affection Proof, The
Sheldon struggles to find a Valentine's gift for Amy.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Monster Isolation, The
Raj vows never to leave his apartment after a horrible date.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 2041
TV-MA
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71005
Guests: Sir Patrick Stewart, Jerrod Carmichael
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Fat Cat
Max and Caroline's missing cat, Nancy, is returned by a handsome businessman; and Nancy comes home with a big surprise.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71005
Guests: Sir Patrick Stewart, Jerrod Carmichael
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Suicide, The
Jerry fears his girlfriend's comatose ex-boyfriend will awaken; guest Wayne Knight.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Duplex
In terms of living the American Dream, Alex and Nancy have it pretty good. They are a young, vibrant couple in New York City with bright futures ahead of them. But one thing is missing: a home of their own. When they find one, it comes with one feature they didn''t expect--an upstairs tenant, Mrs. Connelly, who lives in a rent-controlled apartment, and who isn''t quite as easy-going or frail as Alex and Nancy originally anticipated. As their blissful life begins to seriously fray around the edges, their dream home rapidly turns into a nightmare and they decide that they must get Mrs. Connelly out of their lives.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Clavado en un Bar
Jess finds herself at a crossroad when she's offered a job at a children's museum. She normally would not consider leaving teaching but her crumbling and failing school is crushing her spirit. With less than 30 minutes to decide on whether or not she'll take the job, a desperate Jess turns to the guys for career advice.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Basketball
Jess does a full-court press to solidify her friendship with Coach, but Nick goes on the defense when they bond over his rival basketball team. Meanwhile, Schmidt is assigned to mentor a much older new hire at work and Winston discovers a new career path.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
Oldies but Young 'Uns
Al struggles to remember a favorite song from his past and enlists the help of an oldies expert, his pal Charlie Verducci; meanwhile, Charlie's son, Vinnie, falls for Kelly but, under Al's watchful eye, is unable to do anything about it.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 1
In the first of a two-part episode, after Al buys a shoddy air conditioner and causes a neighborhood blackout, the Bundys seek refuge from the heat and their infuriated neighbors by taking up residence in their local supermarket.
TV-PG
 

Thursday, March 9

6:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around Part 2
When the Bundys are evicted from the supermarket where they've taken up temporary residence, Al inadvertently becomes their one millionth customer; but Marcy claims otherwise.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Needing cold cash for some hot prospects, Bud and Kelly are forced to find creative ways to earn money; meanwhile, Peg hoping for a hot night on the town, settles for an evening of videos with Al and the D'Arcys instead.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 1
When Al takes the family on a road trip to a shoe convention in California, the Bundys discover a golden opportunity when their car breaks down in the middle of a ghost town.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Route 666 Part 2
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch gold fever and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
9:00 am
King of Queens, The
Work Related
Arthur accepts a job at Carrie's company; Doug and Deacon compete for a place in their company's calendar of hunks.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
Twisted Sitters
Doug and Carrie are caught in embarrassing circumstances while looking after Deacon and Kelly's children.
TV-14
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Better Camera
Doug surprises Carrie with a new camera for Christmas.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Wedding Presence
Doug and Carrie try to come up with an excuse not to attend a wedding.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Cleveland Show, The
Love Rollercoaster
Roberta disguises herself in a "fat suit" to prove she can get by without her good looks, only to attract Cleveland Jr's advances; Cleveland and his friends invent a moveable coaster for beers.
TV-14
11:30 am
Cleveland Show, The
Our Gang
After taking a group of delinquent teens under his wing, Cleveland encourages the kids to start a cookie business...which the kids misinterpret as advice on dealing drugs.
TV-14
12:00 pm
American Dad
Dope and Faith
Stan prays for a friend and thinks God sent him one, but the friend turns out to be an atheist. Stan tries to convince his friend that God exists by making his life extremely hard, but the plan backfires. Meanwhile, Roger convinces Steve that he has been accepted to Hogwarts.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Big Trouble in Little Langley
Francine's Chinese adoptive parents drop in. Stan can't stand them and tries to find Francine's real parents, but when it becomes obvious they are selfish people who gave up Francine because she would cramp their lifestyle, Stan makes a detour and never introduces them to Francine.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Haylias
Stan, unhappy with the decisions Hayley is making for herself, decides to set her up with a proper husband. He gets her to go along by using her "activation word" which was ingrained in her during CIA summer camp visits when she was little. She listens to everything Stan says, but because it takes too long, reverts to a "mind clause" to kill her handler - Stan.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
42-Year-Old Virgin
While playing poker with the guys, Stan is exposed as a virgin, but not in the traditional way - he's never killed anyone. Roger and the guys help Stan bust his killing cherry.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fish Out Of Water
Peter hunts for a man-eating fish in order to collect reward money to pay off a loan.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Emission Impossible
Lois' pregnant sister inspires her and Peter to have another baby.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Birthday
It's Jess' birthday and Nick has something special planned. An incredible gift giver herself, Jess consistently sets the bar too high for her friends and is always left disappointed, which is why she resolved long ago to spend her birthdays alone at the movies. But Nick is determined to break the cycle this year and enlists the gang's help to pull it off.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Prince
Jess is ready to paint the town purple when a chance encounter finds her and Cece invited to a once-in-a-lifetime mansion party thrown by music legend Prince. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Nick, Schmidt, Winston and Coach are determined to crash the festivities, building toward an unforgettable climax.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Book, The
Monica is outraged to find out what her parents did with her wedding fund. Joey discovers Rachel's late-night reading material.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Cookies, The
Monica desperately tries to figure out a secret cookie recipe. Chandler fails to impress Monica's father.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Assistant, The
Rachel is in a quandary when a sexy but unqualified man (EDDIE CAHILL) applies to be her assistant. Chandler, Monica and Ross tell embarrassing secrets about one another.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Engagement Picture, The
Joey tries to teach Chandler how to smile for the camera. Phoebe and Ross bicker over their divorcing friends.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Subway, The
The friends encounter adventure on the subway.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pez Dispenser, The
George worries over gaining the upper hand in his current romance.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Boyfriend Part 1, The
Jerry and Elaine vie for time with his new friend, baseball player Keith Hernandez.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Boyfriend Part 2, The
Jerry and Elaine vie for time with his new friend, baseball player Keith Hernandez.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Zero Tolerance
Max and Caroline get second jobs as a pastry chef and a hostess at a trendy restaurant to help pay off their bank loan.
TV-14
8:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the High Hook-Up
Max pursues a handsome new coworker at the restaurant, despite the owner's "no hook-up" rule.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Contractual Obligation Implementation, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Howard try to advance the cause of women in science by speaking with junior high girls about their future careers, while Raj plans his date with Lucy.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closet Reconfiguration, The
To open or not to open When Howard finds a letter from his father, he's forced to confront his past. And Leonard and Penny throw a grown-up cocktail party at the apartment.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Tenure Turbulence, The
Leonard, Sheldon and Raj fight for tenure at the University.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Closure Alternative, The
After one of his favorite TV shows gets canceled too soon, Sheldon feels lost, so Amy tries to help him get over his compulsive need for closure by retraining his brain.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 71006
Guests: John Lydon, Milky Chance
TV-14
12:00 am
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Taste Test
Sophie takes Max and Caroline shopping for their bridesmaid dresses, so the girls enlist the diner gang's help to hide the most hideous ones to avoid being utterly humiliated.
TV-14
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 71006
Guests: John Lydon, Milky Chance
TV-14
1:30 am
Seinfeld
Fixup, The
Jerry and Elaine play matchmaker for George.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Envy
Tim and Nick are best friends, neighbors and co-workers, whose equal footing is suddenly tripped up when one of Nick''s hare-brained get-rich-quick schemes actually succeeds: the Vaporizer, a spray that literally makes dog poop, or any other kind for that matter, evaporate into thin air--to where, exactly, is anyone''s guess. Tim, who had scoffed at Nick''s idea and passed on an opportunity to get in on the deal, can only watch as Nick''s fortune--and Tim''s own envy--grow to equally outrageous proportions. When the flames of jealousy are fanned by an oddball drifter who imposes himself into the situation, Tim''s life careens wildly out of control, taking Nick''s with it.
TV-PG
4:00 am
New Girl
Exes
When Nick has an awkward run-in with his ex, Caroline, Jess tries to convince him he can still be friends with her by introducing him to her former boyfriend, Berkley. Meanwhile, Coach uses Schmidt's loft to impress a date, but things turn farcically disastrous when Schmidt arrives home with his own potential bedmate.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Sister
Jess' wild-child sister, Abby, pays a visit and immediately throws the loft into disarray. Meanwhile, Schmidt enlists Nick to be his wingman in crashing a bar mitzvah and Winston throws a dinner party with Bertie, which turns awkward when only Cece and Coach attend.
TV-14
5:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 1
Marcy excitedly announces she's pregnant but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she too has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby Part 2
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
 

Friday, March 10

6:00 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women, pregnant or otherwise, decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to-be.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Cheese, Cues and Blood
Lusting for a thousand dollar dress to wear to the Miss Cheese competition, Kelly decides to earn the money the old-fashioned way by hustling pool.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places
While Peggy and Marcy comb the city for Marcy's old baby furniture after Jefferson sells it to pocket the cash, the guys conduct a search of their own for the perfect maid although cleanliness is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Has a Belly Ache
When Al and the kids are preoccupied with a seemingly sick Buck, Peg, feeling neglected, returns home to her kin in Wanker County for a little TLC.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
If I Could See Me Now
After nearly driving off a bridge, Al lets the kids convince him to get eyeglasses, only to discover he doesn't like what he sees.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
God's Shoes
When Al has a spiritual experience and sees God's shoes, he makes it his mission to recreate and promote his heavenly vision.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 1
Armed with cable TV and a new remote control, Al is determined to stay on the couch until he finds something good to watch on television, while Kelly's public access show becomes the hottest thing on cable.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood Part 2
The Bundys' dream of fame and fortune remain just that after Kelly's popular local cable talk show is revamped for prime time by Hollywood network executive Jeff Littlehead.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Papa Pill
Doug learns that taking care of Arthur is not an easy task.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Paint Misbehavin'
The gang plays paintball to celebrate Deacon's birthday.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Hi-Def Jam
Doug wants to watch the Super Bowl on a high-definition television.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Deacon Blues
Doug is surprised to find his married friend Deacon out with another woman.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Buried Pleasure
After he learns about Holt's sex doll, Cleveland sets up Holt with a coworker named Jane, who turns out to be a bully; Cleveland Jr. accidentally consumes Rallo's pet fish.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Curious Case of Jr. Working at the Stool, The
Cleveland Jr. takes a job at The Broken Stool, where he infuriates his father by establishing rules; Roberta competes with Lacey, a rich high school student.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad (DVS)
Surro-Gate
When Francine decides to be a surrogate for her gay neighbors Terry and Greg, Stan's Republican blood boils. Although he pretends to be happy, when the baby is born, Stan kidnaps her and heads to the Nebraska border, where gay couples have no rights. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger pull a Howard Hughes and become reclusive after they think Klaus is out to get them.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Most Adequate Christmas Ever, The
After Stan comes home from another dangerous mission, he finds that his family has decked the halls with boughs of holly and donned themselves with gay apparel, but just not to his satisfaction.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Franny 911
Francine fakes Roger's kidnapping so she can prove to Roger that Stan still cares about him. So why won't Stan pay his ransom
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Tearjerker
Stan and the family are characters in a James Bond-style spoof. Stan must stop Tearjerker, played by Roger, a diabolical film producer who makes movies that can kill. Tearjerker's fiendish plot involves abducting celebrities from his spa and replacing them with celebrity robots that make horrible movies, all in an effort to make his masterpiece "Oscar's Gold" the best and saddest movie ever, causing millions of moviegoers to cry themselves to death.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Sister II
Jess panics when her sister, Abby, decides to stay in Los Angeles and sets her eyes on one of the loft-mates. Meanwhile, Winston procrastinates about checking his test results for the LAPD entrance exam.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Sister III
Abby and Schmidt's warp speed relationship, already having moved in together, causes Jess to reevaluate her and Nick's need for space and independence. Cece too is troubled by the way Abby has Schmidt under her control and is worried that she's once again running a scam and taking advantage of Schmidt's generosity.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Nap Partners, The
Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honor, but Monica doesn't want to make the decision. Chandler tries to apologize to a girlfriend from his youth.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Library Book, The
Chandler's former girlfriend (MAGGIE WHEELER) manipulates Chandler and Monica. Rachel and Phoebe meddle in Joey's relationship. KRISTIN DAVIS also guest stars.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Candy, The
Rachel gets in trouble for dating her assistant (EDDIE CAHILL). Monica tries to become friendlier with her neighbors. Phoebe needs lessons in riding a bike.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Cheesecakes, The
Phoebe's former boyfriend returns for one night only, but Joey could ruin their plans. Monica plots revenge on her cousin's wedding day.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Limo, The
Jerry and George commandeer a limousine headed for a neo-Nazi rally.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Good Samaritan, The
Jerry tracks down a hit-and-run driver, then wants to date her; guest Helen Slater.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Letter, The
Jerry's new girlfriend is a plagiarist.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Parking Space, The
Jerry's car clanks after Elaine and George borrow it.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb
The exhibits at New York's Natural History Museum come to life at night, and when they start behaving strangely, Larry, newly-promoted director of nighttime operations, must find out why. The Tablet, which magically brings the creatures to life, has started to decay and the only method of restoring is available at the British Museum. In order to save his museum "family," Larry, his son Nick and the museum exhibits, travel from New York to London, to discover the Tablet's secret.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb
The exhibits at New York's Natural History Museum come to life at night, and when they start behaving strangely, Larry, newly-promoted director of nighttime operations, must find out why. The Tablet, which magically brings the creatures to life, has started to decay and the only method of restoring is available at the British Museum. In order to save his museum "family," Larry, his son Nick and the museum exhibits, travel from New York to London, to discover the Tablet's secret.
TV-PG
12:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn''t long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Tower Heist
Queens native Josh Kovaks has managed one of the most luxurious and well-secured residences in New York City for more than a decade. Under his watchful eye, nothing goes undetected. In the swankiest unit atop Josh''s building, Wall Street titan Arthur Shaw is under house arrest after being caught stealing two billion from his investors. The hardest hit among those he defrauded? The tower staffers whose pensions he was entrusted to manage. With only days before Arthur gets away with the perfect crime, Josh''s crew turns to petty crook Slide to plan the nearly impossible...to steal what they are sure is hidden in Arthur''s guarded condo. Though amateurs, these rookie thieves know the building better than anyone. Turns out they''ve been casing the place for years, they just didn''t know it.
TV-14
4:00 am
New Girl
Mars Landing
Jess and Nick face some truths about their relationship, while Schmidt, Winston and Coach scramble to make a better second impression on their hot new neighbors. Also, Cece panics after she drunk-texts Buster.
TV-14
4:30 am
New Girl
Fired Up
Jess hires, then must immediately fire Coach as her school's new volleyball coach. Meanwhile, Schmidt gets sued and enlists Nick and a procedural television-loving Winston to represent him at the deposition. Also, Cece catches the eye of a much younger man.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
P.T. & A
After being chided for wearing a shoddy shirt and getting stains on it, Ray lies and tells Debra that members of the PTA called her outfit "trampy." This leads her to dress extra-trampy on purpose at a PTA meeting in their home, where the truth finally comes out.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Ally's F
Ally comes home with an F in math on her report card, and her parents are shocked.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, March 11

6:00 am
Married With Children
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
In a style reminiscent of the old Hollywood thriller, Al dreams he's a private eye who finds himself in the middle of a murder when he's hired by a femme fatale to protect her inheritance from her thieving family.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
So This Is How Sinatra Felt
When Peg thinks Al's having an affair, she sends Kelly and Bud out to do some sleuthing, but no one is more shocked than Al to discover that a beautiful shoe groupie wants to try him on for size.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
9:00 am
Movie
Death at a Funeral
When the patriarch of a dysfunctional family dies, his funeral turns into family circus. Misplaced bodies, blackmail, indecent exposure and a corpse that won't stay in the box start things off, but when old family skeletons come out of the closet, the real chaos begins.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hall Pass
Rick and Fred are best friends who have a lot in common, including the fact that they have each been married for many years. But when the two men begin to show signs of restlessness at home, their wives take a bold approach to revitalizing their marriages: granting them a "hall pass," one week of freedom to do whatever they want...no questions asked. At first, it sounds like a dream come true for Rick and Fred. But it isn''t long before they discover that their expectations of the single life--and themselves--are completely, and hilariously, out of sync with reality.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Tower Heist
Queens native Josh Kovaks has managed one of the most luxurious and well-secured residences in New York City for more than a decade. Under his watchful eye, nothing goes undetected. In the swankiest unit atop Josh''s building, Wall Street titan Arthur Shaw is under house arrest after being caught stealing two billion from his investors. The hardest hit among those he defrauded? The tower staffers whose pensions he was entrusted to manage. With only days before Arthur gets away with the perfect crime, Josh''s crew turns to petty crook Slide to plan the nearly impossible...to steal what they are sure is hidden in Arthur''s guarded condo. Though amateurs, these rookie thieves know the building better than anyone. Turns out they''ve been casing the place for years, they just didn''t know it.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They're Up All Night, The
Monica falls asleep during sex. Rachel argues with Tag (EDDIE CAHILL). Ross and Joey get stranded on the roof.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rosita Dies, The
Phoebe becomes involved with a suicidal office worker (JASON ALEXANDER). Rachel breaks Joey's favorite chair. Monica's beloved childhood belongings are destroyed.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where They All Turn Thirty, The
Rachel's 30th birthday prompts the friends to reminisce about their own 30th birthdays.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's New Brain, The
Joey's character on a daytime drama becomes more prominent to the chagrin of the show's diva star (SUSAN SARANDON). Phoebe and Rachel argue over who should return a sexy man's misplaced cell phone to him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Look of the Irish
Max and Caroline try to get work for Nash as a model in an effort to make some extra money acting as his managers. Meanwhile, Sophie and Oleg attempt to remain celibate for 30 days before their wedding.
TV-14
5:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Minor Problem
Max and Caroline's attempt to break Nash into the modeling business is threatened when his mother arrives from Ireland to retrieve her son.
TV-14
6:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Grate Expectations
Max and Caroline help launch the opening of The High's new location at JFK airport. Meanwhile, Sophie learns that Oleg may have an ulterior motive for wanting to marry her.
TV-14
6:30 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Disappointing Unit
Season 4 ends with Max and Caroline tasked with retrieving Sophie's wedding dress from airport customs and safely transporting it to the church in time for the nuptials.
TV-14
7:00 pm
2 Broke Girls (DVS)
And the Wrecking Ball
Season 5 begins with Max and Caroline teaming up with the diner staff in a frantic attempt to keep their businesses open when the city targets Han's diner and their cupcake window for destruction.
TV-14
7:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Proton Resurgence, The
Leonard and Sheldon hire Professor Proton (guest star BOB NEWHART), the host of their favorite childhood TV show to perform. Raj leaves his dog with Howard and Bernadette.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Spell Potential, The
When the girls' trip to Vegas falls through, the guys invite them to a Dungeons & Dragons date night that causes Sheldon and Amy's relationship to take an unexpected turn.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bon Voyage Reaction, The
On the sixth season finale, Sheldon and Penny are thrown for a loop when Leonard is offered an exciting new job opportunity overseas.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hofstadter Insufficiency, The
Leonard is away at sea, so Sheldon & Penny spend some time together and spill some revealing secrets. Meanwhile, Howard comes to Raj's aid after his breakup with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Deception Verification, The
Leonard returns from the North Sea expedition and finds things chilly between him and Sheldon, while Howard's relationship with his mother opens the door to questions about his masculinity.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Scavenger Vortex, The
Raj puts together a scavenger hunt that turns into serious, cutthroat competition among the gang.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Raiders Minimization, The
Sheldon is fit to be tied when Amy ruins one of his favorite adventure films, while Leonard finds the key to getting Penny to do his bidding, and Raj & Stuart get creative with their online-dating profiles.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Episode 2041
TV-MA
11:30 pm
The Detour
Court, The
Robin attempts to get a divorce from Carlos, but he has other ideas. She's also forced to come clean about her past in the city.
TV-MA
12:00 am
Movie
Death at a Funeral
When the patriarch of a dysfunctional family dies, his funeral turns into family circus. Misplaced bodies, blackmail, indecent exposure and a corpse that won't stay in the box start things off, but when old family skeletons come out of the closet, the real chaos begins.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Blades of Glory
Perhaps nowhere in sports is the marriage of athleticism and grace more evident than in the arena of world champion pairs figure skating--the lifts, the jumps, the routines. It''s an elegant world, a rarefied universe, a noble place populated by the crème de la crème of skating elite. Well, it used to be. When the macho, swaggering Chazz Michael Michaels takes to the rink, he is the rock star of the arena, leaving a trail of thrashed ice and shrieking female fans in his wake. The only competitor who can match Michaels'' scores is the driven former child prodigy, Jimmy MacElroy. Spotted as a youth executing triple lutzes on the frozen pond of an orphanage, MacElroy was whisked away to days of endless training, and now stands as the picture of poise, the personification of the highest ideals of the men''s sport. Michaels and MacElroy have met in finals rounds before, but their latest head-to-head at the World Championships--when they tie for first--is more than either one can bear, and their longstanding rivalry erupts into a no-holds-barred fight. The ensuing brawl not only sets fire to the World Championship''s helpless mascot, but lands both athletes in hot water: Chazz and Jimmy are called before the sport''s governing board, stripped of their gold medals and banned from the sport for life. Now, three-and-a-half years later, both men are still trying to find their way in a world without competitive skating. Michaels has devolved into a drunken party machine, skating as a costumed evil wizard in a kiddie ice review, and MacElroy has been banished to the shoe department of a chain sporting goods store. But then, inspiration (in the form of an over-friendly, former stalker of Jimmy''s) strikes, and a loophole emerges. To skate again, all Chazz and Jimmy have to do is set aside their long festering hatred of one another and join forces--as the first male/male figure skating pair to compete in the history of the sport.
TV-14
5:00 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Boys' Therapy
The women pressure Ray and Frank to accompany Robert to one of his therapy sessions.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Debra's Parents
All the in-laws gather for Thanksgiving at Ray and Debra's house.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, March 12

6:00 am
Married With Children
I Who Have Nothing
When Al decides to draw up a will and divide up his worldly belongings, he tracks down his old high school girlfriend, to whom he gave his most prized possession, his football.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Mystery of Skull Island, The
While Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson play a New Age board game, Bud finds himself unable to say no to sexy Kara even if it kills him.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Secret Code, The
George conceals his ATM code from fiancee Susan; guest John O'Hurley.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Seinfeld
Pool Guy, The
The pool man at Jerry's health club wants to be his best friend.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Truth About London, The
Chandler finds out who Monica really wanted to have sex with on the night they became lovers. Ross is furious after Rachel teaches Ben (COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE) practical jokes.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cheap Wedding Dress, The
Monica battles another shopper for the perfect wedding dress. Ross and Joey compete for the same woman.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Award, The
Joey overreacts at a daytime drama awards show. Daytime drama actresses McKENZIE WESTMORE and ALISON SWEENEY guest star.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross & Monica's Cousin, The
Monica's gorgeous cousin (DENISE RICHARDS) unwittingly wreaks havoc on Chandler and Ross. Rachel and Phoebe hastily plan a surprise bridal party for Monica.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie
Sky High
It all begins at a secret school in the clouds like none on earth: Sky High, the first and only high school for kids with super-human powers going through crime-fighting puberty. At Sky High, the student body throw flames with their footballs, study Villainy with their Chemistry and are divided into "Heroes" and "Sidekicks" instead of jocks and geeks. It''s an out-of-this-world yet completely recognizable place where cool gadgetry, rampant bravery and awe-inspiring magical skills mix it up with parental battles, peer pressure and dating trouble--with explosively fun results. This year''s class features some of the best, brightest and most powerfully gifted super-teens ever assembled. And then there''s Will Stronghold. When you''re the son of the world''s most legendary super heroes, The Commander and Jetstream, people expect you to live up to the family name The problem is that Will is starting with no superpowers of his own and, worst of all, instead of joining the ranks of the "Hero" class, he finds himself relegated to being a "Sidekick." Now he must somehow survive his freshman year while dealing with an overbearing gym coach, a bully with super speed and a dangerous rebel with a grudge (and the ability to shoot fire from his hands)--not to mention the usual angst, parental expectations and girl problems that accompany teenage life. But when an evil villain threatens his family, friends and the very sanctity of Sky High, Will must use his newfound superpowers to save the day and prove himself a "Hero" worthy of the family tradition.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The
Bilbo Baggins is swept into an epic quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor from the fearsome Dragon Smaug. Approached out of the blue by the Wizard Gandalf the Grey, Bilbo finds himself joining a company of 13 Dwarves led by the legendary warrior Thorin Oakenshield. Their journey will take them into the Wild, through treacherous lands swarming with Goblins, Orcs and deadly Wargs, as well as a mysterious and sinister figure known only as the Necromancer. Although their goal lies to the East and the wastelands of the Lonely Mountain, first they must escape the Goblin tunnels, where Bilbo meets the creature that will change his life forever - Gollum. Here, alone with Gollum, on the shores of an underground lake, the unassuming Bilbo Baggins not only discovers depths of ingenuity and courage that surprise even him, he also gains possession of Gollum's "precious" ring that holds unexpected and useful qualities - a simple, gold ring that is tied to the fate of all Middle-earth in ways Bilbo cannot begin to know.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, The
The second installment of the adventures of Bilbo Baggins, a diminutive creature who resides in a place called "Middle-Earth" before he is compelled to go on a quest to find a treasure buried deep in the heart of Lonely Mountain.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb
The exhibits at New York's Natural History Museum come to life at night, and when they start behaving strangely, Larry, newly-promoted director of nighttime operations, must find out why. The Tablet, which magically brings the creatures to life, has started to decay and the only method of restoring is available at the British Museum. In order to save his museum "family," Larry, his son Nick and the museum exhibits, travel from New York to London, to discover the Tablet's secret.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Network Television Premiere (DVS)
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb
The exhibits at New York's Natural History Museum come to life at night, and when they start behaving strangely, Larry, newly-promoted director of nighttime operations, must find out why. The Tablet, which magically brings the creatures to life, has started to decay and the only method of restoring is available at the British Museum. In order to save his museum "family," Larry, his son Nick and the museum exhibits, travel from New York to London, to discover the Tablet's secret.
TV-PG
12:00 am
Movie
Sky High
It all begins at a secret school in the clouds like none on earth: Sky High, the first and only high school for kids with super-human powers going through crime-fighting puberty. At Sky High, the student body throw flames with their footballs, study Villainy with their Chemistry and are divided into "Heroes" and "Sidekicks" instead of jocks and geeks. It''s an out-of-this-world yet completely recognizable place where cool gadgetry, rampant bravery and awe-inspiring magical skills mix it up with parental battles, peer pressure and dating trouble--with explosively fun results. This year''s class features some of the best, brightest and most powerfully gifted super-teens ever assembled. And then there''s Will Stronghold. When you''re the son of the world''s most legendary super heroes, The Commander and Jetstream, people expect you to live up to the family name The problem is that Will is starting with no superpowers of his own and, worst of all, instead of joining the ranks of the "Hero" class, he finds himself relegated to being a "Sidekick." Now he must somehow survive his freshman year while dealing with an overbearing gym coach, a bully with super speed and a dangerous rebel with a grudge (and the ability to shoot fire from his hands)--not to mention the usual angst, parental expectations and girl problems that accompany teenage life. But when an evil villain threatens his family, friends and the very sanctity of Sky High, Will must use his newfound superpowers to save the day and prove himself a "Hero" worthy of the family tradition.
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Time Machine, The
Scientist and inventor Alexander Hartdegen is determined to prove that time travel is possible. His determination is turned to desperation by a personal tragedy that now drives him to want to change the past. Testing his theories with a time machine of his own invention, Hartdegen is hurtled 800,000 years into the future. There he finds a post-apocalyptic world where he discovers that mankind has been divided into the hunter and the hunted.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Movie
Matilda
Matilda is an extraordinary girl, a child of wondrous intelligence. Unfortunately, her neglectful and deeply stupid parents, Harry and Zinnia Wormwood, are too wrapped up in their own lives to care, or even to notice, that their daughter is a budding genius, in love with books and with learning. When the Wormwoods finally grant Matilda's wish to attend school, they bundle her off to Crunchem Hall, a bleak brick prison where students cower before the whip, hand and fist of principal Agatha Trunchbull. Amid Crunchem's darkness, Matilda finds a single light in warm-hearted Miss Honey, the first-grade teacher who recognizes the girl's remarkable skills--including a very special talent that allows the spirited girl to turn the tables on the wicked grown-ups in her world.
TV-PG