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SCHEDULE: April 2014

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Thursday, April 24

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Anniversary Chicken
After Jeff stuns Audrey by remembering their wedding date the surprise is on Jeff. Timmy helps Russell on a date.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Witch Lady
Earl works on a list item that deals with a crazy witch lady, but his plan backfires.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Camping Show (aka A Period Piece), The
Al and Steve's much-anticipated vacation in the great outdoors is ruined by female hormones and man-eating animals.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
He Thought He Could
When Al finds a library book that is 31 years overdue, he decides to finally face the librarian who once pegged him as a deadbeat.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Pocket Dial Episode, The
After Nick gets pocket-dialed by Suzanne and overhears her telling Gigi something personal, he gets back at Suzanne by fake pocketing dialing her.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Future
Cora and Russell have begun dating. Brown is afraid that Cora will fall in love with Russell and leave him alone so he gives him the third degree and scares Russell away.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Marriage Paynes
All three couples go on an eye-opening marriage retreat. At the end of the retreat, Miranda asks Calvin for a divorce. Meanwhile, Claretha and Floyd babysit for the twins while everyone is away--it's scary.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Is It True About Stephanie?
Danny rearranges the furniture in order to cope with his sadness about ending his relationship with Vicky. Stephanie gets revenge on a schoolmate who plays a mean trick on her.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will's Up the Dirt Road
Tabloid-reporter Will gets into legal trouble with Jay Leno.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will Steps Out
Will thinks Lisa is dating another guy; guest Susan Powter.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Same Game, Next Season
Will makes a good impression with Lisa's dad (John Amos).
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Business Ethics
When Holly leads a seminar on ethics, she realizes how unethical the Scranton branch really is. Jim tallies Dwight's 'time theft'.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Baby Shower
Dwight helps Michael prepare for the birth of Jan's baby. Michael vows to feign dislike for Holly to appease Jan. Pam and Jim have trouble communicating while she's at art school.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Menace II Secret Society
Cleveland discovers the existence of a secret hip hop society after Kenny West refuses to share credit for a hit song they wrote together; Junior starts his own polka band.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Blood Crieth Unto Heaven
In a tribute to and send-up of the Pulitzer Prize-winning play, "August: Osage County," a dark secret is revealed about the Smith family's past when Francine invites Stan's incarcerated dad, Jack, to Stan's birthday party. Also in this spoof, Roger plays Edna, a maid who nurses Bullock and Hayley's love child. But when Edna falls in love with Bullock, it could mean dire consequences for the kid.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Max Jets
Roger (Seth MacFarlane) announces that "Max Jets," a character of Roger's who enjoys showering the Smith family with money, is soon getting out of prison. But a wrench is thrown in the system when Max falls in love with Gina (Michelle Monaghan), a gold-digging waitress who threatens the family's inheritance.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Naked to the Limit, One More Time
Roger pretends to be Jeff's imaginary friend, so he can freely roam naked around the house with no disguise. But when big-mouth Jeff figures out that Roger is an alien, Stan issues an ultimatum: either Roger or Jeff must be killed immediately. Meanwhile, Steve becomes insecure about the shape of his rear end.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Best Man
Doug discovers Carrie's shocking secret at a wedding.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Dog Days
A barking dog keeps the Heffernans up all night.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Pilot
Six friends in their twenties pursue careers, love and happiness in New York City while relying on each other for support.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Thumb, The
The group loves Monica's new boyfriend; Chandler resumes smoking; and Phoebe receives a large sum of money unexpectedly.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With George Stephanopoulos, The
While the men attend a hockey game and end up at a hospital, the women spy on President Clinton's top aide, George Stephanopoulos, who lives across the street. Rachel receives her first paycheck.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Apartment, The
Jerry regrets encouraging Elaine to move into his building.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Stranded, The
Waiting for a ride, Jerry and Elaine keep a party's host up late.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Statue, The
Jerry thinks a friend stole his statue, but doesn't know how to get it back.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Heart Attack, The
George thinks he's having a heart attack.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
And Then There Were Fewer Part 1 & 2
Some vacations are to die for.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Excellence in Broadcasting
Lois accuses conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh of brainwashing Brian into thinking he supports Republican values.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4535
Guests: Mel Brooks, Langhorne Slim
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1045
Guests: Rob Riggle
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4535
Guests: Mel Brooks, Langhorne Slim
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1045
Guests: Rob Riggle
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Father of the Bride II
Still young at heart, and fully recovered after having been the "Father of the Bride," George Banks finally feels content. His wife Nina loves him as deeply as he loves her. his daughter Annie, and son-in-law Bryan, are happily married and each are responsible working adults. With his son Matty growing into a young man, and the mortgage to his dream house fully paid off, George feels he's finally ahead of the game. And that's when his life turns upside down. First Annie and Bryan unexpectedly announce they're going to be parents. Then, a short while later, it's Nina's turn to make the same shocking speech to George. They too, are going to have a baby! George is reeling. He feels much to young to be a grandfather--and way too old to be a father again. And when Annie and Nina call on the flamboyant Franck Egglehoffer to coordinate their double baby shower, George seeks out his own unique way to cope with this '90s style mid-life crisis.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
I'm Going to Sweatland
Al is up to his armpits in rock `n' roll fanatics after Peggy "sees" an image of her idol in the sweat stains on one of Al's tee-shirts.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Poke High (aka The Red Grange Story)
While Kelly tries to score with a high school fullback, Al roots for the opposing team in hopes his old school record will remain intact.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dump of My Own, A
Al sets out to fulfill a lifelong dream when he begins construction on his very own bathroom, equipped with the legendary Ferguson Toilet.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Pinky
Earl helps Randy find his first love, Pinky.
TV-14
 

Friday, April 25

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Set Up, The
When Russell discovers Timmy has a sister, he aims to impress. Meanwhile, Jeff and Audrey set their neighbor Liz up on a date.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Bullies
Earl tries to help a man he bullied in grade school, but hides his true identity because the man has become a scary bodybuilder.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Secret Episode, The
Lindsey has a new crush and Gigi has a new boyfriend, but when certain secrets can't be kept, a web of misinformation nearly ruins both situations.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Parents and the Plant
Will and Sasha try to find a way to get Brianna and Joaquin back, before the Turners adopt them. Meanwhile Brown thinks the frat boys next door are growing marijuana and leaps into action.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Ms. Curtis
Running into each other for the first time since she asked for a divorce, Calvin and Miranda get stuck in an elevator together. Meanwhile, Curtis accidentally takes Ella's estrogen pills, and we see his "softer" side.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Test, The
D.J. has a nightmare the night before an important test for college. VANNA WHITE guest stars.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Three's A Crowd
Lisa intrudes on Will and Carlton's annual ski trip.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
It's a Wonderful Lie
After lying about their plans, Will and Lisa wind up at the same party.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Bullets Over Bel-Air
Carlton buys a gun after he and Will are robbed.
TV-PG
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Crime Aid
Following a burglary at Dunder Mifflin on the night of his third date with Holly, Michael organizes an auction to replace what was stolen. Pam has a job at corporate to help with finances. Dwight seeks Phyllis' help to win Angela back.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Employee Transfer
Michael helps Holly move following her transfer to Nashua, NH. Meanwhile, Pam discovers people at corporate are less enthused about Halloween than she, and Dwight agitates Andrew by applying to Cornell.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
General Thanksgiving Episode, A
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland opens a bar at the airport; Holt and his estranged father bond when Cleveland becomes trapped on a pilotless airplane.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
For Black Eyes Only
In Part 2 of "The Tearjerker Saga," a "James Bond" parody, Stan and his wife, Sexpun Tocome's honeymoon is brutally interrupted when Black Villain (guest voice Kevin Michael Richardson) fatally shoots Sexpun. Determined to get his revenge, Stan teams up with former nemesis The Tearjerker to track down Black Villain and put a stop to his evil plan to melt the arctic glaciers.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Spelling Bee My Baby
Francine pressures Steve to win the National Spelling Bee so he can get into a top college. Stan and Roger try to slam Hayley through the five stages of grief so she will get over Jeff faster.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Missing Kink, The
Francine discovers she has a spanking fetish; Hayley goes out on a date with Snot.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Hungry Man
Doug embarrasses Carrie at her boss' cocktail party.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Court Date
Doug hatches a scheme after Carrie gets a traffic ticket.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the East German Laundry Detergent, The
While Phoebe and Chandler end their respective romantic relationships, Rachel and Ross do laundry together on their first date.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Butt, The
Joey gets a film role as a stand-in for Al Pacino's butt. Ross tries to be less conservative. Chandler has an affair with a married woman (SOFIA MILOS).
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Blackout, The
A citywide power outage leaves Chandler stranded in the vestibule for an automatic banking machine with gorgeous model JILL CONNICK. Ross tries to ask Rachel out on a date. Joey learns that Monica used to be infatuated with him.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Nana Dies Twice, The
Monica and Ross reminisce about their dying grandmother.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Revenge, The
George seeks revenge on his ex-boss for not rehiring him.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Deal, The
Jerry and Elaine mull intimacy but without commitment.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Butter Shave, The
Jerry gets upset when a lame comic follows his act; Kramer uses butter.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Voice, The
Jerry takes an interest in a girlfriend's navel; Kramer hires an intern.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Halloween on Spooner Street
On Halloween, Stewie plots revenge after his candy is taken away by bullies; Meg determines to use a Halloween disguise as a means of hooking up with a boy; Peter and Joe target Quagmire for Halloween pranks.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
X2: X-Men United
Mutants continue their struggle against a society that fears and distrusts them. Their cause becomes even more desperate following an incredible attack by an undetermined assailant possessing extraordinary abilities. The shocking attack renews the political and public outcry for both a Mutant Registration Act, and an anti-mutant movement, now led by William Stryker. A vocal, wealthy, former commander for the Army, Stryker, is rumored to have experimented on mutants. Stryker's dubious mutant "work" is somehow tied to Logan's/Wolverine's mysterious and forgotten past. As Logan/Wolverine searches for clues to his origin, Stryker puts into motion his anti-mutant program--launching a severe attack on Professor Xavier's mansion. Magneto, newly escaped from his plastic prison, proposes a partnership with Professor Xavier and the X-Men to combat their common and formidable enemy: Stryker. With the fates of Xavier, mankind, and mutantkind, in their hands, the X-Men face their most dangerous mission yet.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
1:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
1:30 am
Deal With It
Arsenio Hall and Alex Mandel
BROMANCE: Things get awkward when our contestant is instructed to breakup with his BFF, then introduce him to the new one. Co-host: Arsenio Hall. TV HOST: After welcoming his fellow diners, this contestant is told to turn the restaurant into his own late-night talk show. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
TV-14
2:00 am
Movie
DOA: Dead or Alive
Four beautiful women begin as rivals in a secret invitational-only martial arts contest, but find themselves teaming up with another against a sinister force. Tina Armstrong is a superstar in the world of women's wrestling. Christie is a beautiful cat-thief and assassin-for-hire. Princess Kasumi is an Asian warrior-aristocrat, schooled by martial arts masters. Helena Douglas is an extreme sports athlete whose tragic past binds her to the remote palace in Southeast Asia where the Dead or Alive tournament takes place.
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Jeff Foxworthy Show, The
Field of Schemes
Jeff is forced to let Karen play in an annual softball game.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Gospel
Earl turns his karmic attentions on a reverend whom he aggrieved in the past. But forgiveness is fleeting when the religious figure finds out about Earl's many other misdeeds. Meanwhile, Joy is a blade runner: She hits Catalina with a riding mower.
TV-14
 

Saturday, April 26

6:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
7:30 am
Deal With It
Arsenio Hall and Alex Mandel
BROMANCE: Things get awkward when our contestant is instructed to breakup with his BFF, then introduce him to the new one. Co-host: Arsenio Hall. TV HOST: After welcoming his fellow diners, this contestant is told to turn the restaurant into his own late-night talk show. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
TV-14
8:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Oh Christmas Payne Pt. 1
When Jazmine fails to appreciate the real meaning of Christmas, family members and friends share their own versions of the Nativity story with the family taking on the roles of Mary, Joseph and the innkeeper.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet Your Match
Brown feels guilty about scaring Russell off, so to make up for it, he secretly sets up a date for Cora using an online dating service. Meanwhile, London and Jesus help Miss Daisy prepare for an audition, with unexpected consequences.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Lindsey Dances Episode, The
Lindsey auditions to dance in a P-Nut music video, but considers quitting when she discovers that the choreographer is a drill sergeant and the other dancers are far more experienced.
TV-PG
9:30 am
King of Queens, The
S'ain't Valentine's
Arthur meets an intoxicating woman (Anne Meara) at a St. Valentine's Day dance.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
White Collar
A new promotion makes Doug miserable.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Lara Croft was born into wealth and groomed at the most elite schools. She travels to dangerous and mysterious locales around the globe in search of rare, lost crypts and long-forgotten empires. She speaks numerous languages, is highly trained for combat and answers to no one, obeying only a desire for adventure. But now she must face her greatest challenge yet: to find two halves of an ancient artifact buried in space and time. To possess it means ultimate power for its possessor. But to get there, she must first take on a powerful and dangerous secret society.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Movie
Ghost Rider
Long ago, superstar motorcycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze made a deal with the devil to protect the ones he loved most: his father and his childhood sweetheart, Roxanne. Now, the Devil has come for his due. By day, Johnny is a die-hard stunt rider--but at night in the presence of evil, he becomes the Ghost Rider, a bounty hunter of rogue demons. Forced to do the Devil's bidding, Johnny is determined to confront his fate and use his curse and powers to defend the innocent.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Mrs. Bing, The
Chandler's flamboyant mother comes to New York for a visit. Phoebe and Monica cause a traffic accident. MORGAN FAIRCHILD and JAY LENO guest star.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dozen Lasagnas, The
Rachel's Italian boyfriend tries to seduce Phoebe. Rachel accidentally reveals a secret to Ross. Monica's aunt refuses to take the lasagnas she ordered from Monica.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Boobies, The
Chandler sees Rachel nude. Joey learns his father is having an affair. BRENDA VACCARO guest stars as Joey's mother.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Stoned Guy, The
JON LOVITZ guest stars as a restaurant owner who interviews Monica for a chef's position. Ross asks Joey how to "talk dirty" to women.
TV-14
5:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Rayney Day
Doug plays golf in the rain; guest Ray Romano.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Train Wreck
Doug is disappointed when his beautiful young trainee doesn't make Carrie jealous.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Breakup Tape, The
Ray is jealous when Debra shows him the mementos she saved from past relationships.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Talk to Your Daughter
To prove to Debra he is a responsible parent, Ray decides to talk with Ally about sex.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Vote for Debra, A
Debra decides to run for president of the school governing board.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Call Me Mom
Ray and Debra agree to call their respective mothers-in-law ``mom.''
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Deal With It
Arsenio Hall and Alex Mandel
BROMANCE: Things get awkward when our contestant is instructed to breakup with his BFF, then introduce him to the new one. Co-host: Arsenio Hall. TV HOST: After welcoming his fellow diners, this contestant is told to turn the restaurant into his own late-night talk show. Co-host: Alex Mandel.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
It's Not a Bidet, It's a Bi-Don't
A kung fu master puts his manhood on the line with the rest of the contestants as they race to be the first blasted from a toilet seat, endure a barrage of firecrackers and smash through walls in a BAM Buggy.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Journey to the Center of the Earth
No one believes that Trevor Anderson is on to something. The science professor's unconventional hypotheses have put him on the fringe of the academic community. But during an expedition in Iceland, Trevor and his teenage nephew, Sean, accompanied by their beautiful local guide, Hannah, make a breakthrough discovery that launches them on a thrilling adventure into the unknown. As their journey takes them deep beneath the Earth's surface, they travel through never-before-seen worlds that bring them face-to-face with surreal and unimaginable creatures, stretching the bounds of the visionary scientist's own imagination.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, April 27

6:00 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 1), The
Phoebe's twin sister causes confusion and conflict. Ross attends childbirth classes with his ex-wife and her girlfriend
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With Two Parts (Part 2), The
Rachel and Monica squabble over two handsome doctors (GEORGE CLOONEY and NOAH WYLE). Ross ponders his impending fatherhood with his own father (ELLIOTT GOULD).
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Poker, The
The women lose money in a poker game with the men. After getting advice from a champion card player, they demand a rematch.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where the Monkey Gets Away, The
Rachel accidentally lets Ross' pet monkey escape, and the friends form a search party. Rachel learns that her former best friend is engaged to marry Rachel's former fianci.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie
Journey to the Center of the Earth
No one believes that Trevor Anderson is on to something. The science professor's unconventional hypotheses have put him on the fringe of the academic community. But during an expedition in Iceland, Trevor and his teenage nephew, Sean, accompanied by their beautiful local guide, Hannah, make a breakthrough discovery that launches them on a thrilling adventure into the unknown. As their journey takes them deep beneath the Earth's surface, they travel through never-before-seen worlds that bring them face-to-face with surreal and unimaginable creatures, stretching the bounds of the visionary scientist's own imagination.
TV-PG
12:25 pm
Movie
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
An extra-terrestrial is accidentally left behind on Earth and is befriended by a young boy and his brother and sister. As Elliot attempts to help his extra-terrestrial companion contact his home planet so that he might be rescued, the children must elude scientists and government agents determined to apprehend the alien for their own purposes...which results in an adventure greater than any of them could have imagined.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Movie
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes has made his reputation finding the truth at the heart of the most complex mysteries. With the aid of Dr. John Watson, his trusted ally, the renowned "consulting detective" is unequaled in his pursuit of criminals of every stripe, whether relying on his singular powers of observation, his remarkable deductive skills, or the blunt force of his fists. But now a storm is gathering over London, a threat unlike anything that Holmes has ever confronted and just the challenge he's looking for. After a string of brutal, ritualistic murders, Holmes and Watson arrive just in time to save the latest victim and uncover the killer: the unrepentant Lord Blackwood. As he approaches his scheduled hanging, Blackwood--who has terrorized inmates and jailers alike with his seeming connection to dark and powerful forces--warns Holmes that death has no power over him and, in fact, his execution plays right into Blackwood's plans. And when, by all indications, Blackwood makes good on his promise, his apparent resurrection panics London and confounds Scotland Yard. But to Holmes, the game is afoot. Racing to stop Blackwood's deadly plot, Holmes and Watson plunge into a world of the dark arts and startling new technologies, where logic is sometimes the best crime-fighting weapon--but where a good right hook will often do the job.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Cowboys & Aliens
1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don't welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde. It's a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known. Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he's been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella, he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents-townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors-all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
When a missing page from the diary of John Wilkes Booth surfaces, Ben's great-great grandfather is suddenly implicated as a key conspirator in Abraham Lincoln's death. Determined to prove his ancestor's innocence, Ben follows an international chain of clues that takes him on a chase from Paris to London and ultimately back to America. This journey leads Ben and his crew not only to surprising revelations--but to the trail of the world's most treasured secrets.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
When a missing page from the diary of John Wilkes Booth surfaces, Ben's great-great grandfather is suddenly implicated as a key conspirator in Abraham Lincoln's death. Determined to prove his ancestor's innocence, Ben follows an international chain of clues that takes him on a chase from Paris to London and ultimately back to America. This journey leads Ben and his crew not only to surprising revelations--but to the trail of the world's most treasured secrets.
TV-PG
1:00 am
Movie
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
An extra-terrestrial is accidentally left behind on Earth and is befriended by a young boy and his brother and sister. As Elliot attempts to help his extra-terrestrial companion contact his home planet so that he might be rescued, the children must elude scientists and government agents determined to apprehend the alien for their own purposes...which results in an adventure greater than any of them could have imagined.
TV-PG
3:35 am
Movie (DVS)
Cowboys & Aliens
1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don't welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde. It's a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known. Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he's been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella, he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents-townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors-all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
TV-14
 

Monday, April 28

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Beating the System
When Jeff and Audrey learn their surrogate is pregnant, both of their lives change. Meanwhile, Timmy takes on the responsibility of wedding planner for Adam and Jennifer.
TV-PG
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Inside Probe, Part 1
News show "Inside Probe" investigated the disappearance of the Crab Shack owner. When Darnell is finally able to sign the release papers due to no longer being in witness protection, the show airs on TV after eight years, turning several Camden residents into murder suspects.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
V.I.P. Tickets Episode, The
Nick angers Suzanne when he invites Martin to an exclusive sporting event before inviting his wife.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Profits
Brown starts charging the residents (and Cora) for amenities around the house--and it gets way out of hand: pay toilet, vending machine in the kitchen, parking meters, etc. The residents plot their revenge on Brown. Meanwhile, Will is threatened when Sasha is offered a job that pays more than he makes.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Where There's a Will, There's a Way
After the death of a friend, Curtis and Ella prepare a will. Meanwhile, Miranda's mom pays a visit.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Joey's Funny Valentine
Joey's new girlfriend, a comedienne, embarrasses the Tanner household by joking about them in her comedy routine.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Decent Proposal, A
Will proposes to reluctant Lisa; accident-prone Hilary stalls Will's recovery.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Will Is from Mars...
Will and Lisa attend counseling with the Jeffersons (Sherman Hemsley, Isabel Sanford).
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Wedding Show (Psyche!), The
To avoid family bickering, Will and Lisa elope; guest Isaac Hayes.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Customer Survey
Dwight and Jim are shocked when they get the results of the annual customer survey report. Pam and Jim spend every minute together on their Bluetooth phones, and Angela and Andy pick an unusual location for their wedding.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Business Trip
Michael is sent on a business trip to Canada and brings Oscar and Andy along with him. Meanwhile, Jim counts down the days until Pam is done with art school.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Turkey Pot Die
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland takes Junior to a turkey farm to pick out holiday dinner, but Junior concocts a plot to set the birds free; Donna and Rallo set to work building a Thanksgiving parade float.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Boring Identity, The
When Stan loses his memory, Francine attempts to transform him into the perfect husband; Roger joins Steve's newspaper route.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith, The
Stan learns that the CIA wants to wipe out Bullock's memory after he exhibits signs of dementia; Roger hires Stelio Kontos to deal with a student who's bullying Steve at school.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Lost in Space
In order to return to Earth, the space-bound Jeff must convince an Emperor that he is in love with Hayley.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Where's Poppa
Hit by a foul ball, Doug ends up at Dr. Becker's and makes a friend (Bill Cosby).
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Time Share
Doug and Carrie befriend their weird neighbors in order to get a Hamptons time share.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Evil Orthodontist, The
Rachel reunites with her duplicitous ex-fianci. Chandler agonizes about a woman who doesn't call him after the first date.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Monica, The
Monica meets a woman who helps her live out her fantasies. Ross' pet monkey becomes sexually mature and makes everyone crazy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ick Factor, The
Monica finds out more than she wants to know about her latest love. Chandler's friends at work treat him differently since his promotion. Ross' ex-wife begins giving birth.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Serenity Now, The
Jerry's new girlfriend (Lori Loughlin) encourages him to express his emotions.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Blood, The
Jerry's parents notice his weight gain and ask Izzy (Lloyd Bridges) to train him.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Junk Mail, The
Jerry agrees to perform for a car company in exchange for a new car.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Merv Griffin Show, The
Jerry dates a toy collector; Kramer thinks he finds a TV show's furniture set.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Baby, You Knock Me Out
Peter coaxes Lois into entering an amateur boxing match, where Lois easily defeats her opponent-launching her career as a professional pugilist.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Writes a Best Seller
After Brian writes a bestselling self-help book, he hires Stewie to be his publicist and begins treating him poorly during a book promotion.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Road to the North Pole Part 1 & 2
Brian and Stewie take their adventures to the North Pole to seek out Santa Claus.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Treadmill Dump
A new crop of contestants, including an oversized magician, hope their bag of tricks can handle what Bam and the boys throw at them. Challenges include a dizzying obstacle course and a precarious elevated treadmill, not to mention being turned into crash test dummies on an inverted zip line.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4563
Guests: Chelsea Handler, Hugh Dancy, Cristela Alonzo
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1055
Guests: Lennon Parham & Jessica St. Clair
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4563
Guests: Chelsea Handler, Hugh Dancy, Cristela Alonzo
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1055
Guests: Lennon Parham & Jessica St. Clair
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Lottery Ticket
Kevin Carson a young man living in the projects, is just an ordinary Guy -- until he wins $370 million in the Mondo Millions Lottery. That's the good news. The bad news is, the lottery claim office is closed for the long Fourth of July weekend, so, before he can collect his prize, Kevin is going to have to figure out how to keep a lid on his good fortune and survive the next three days. As news of his windfall spreads through the community like a grass fire, Kevin quickly discovers the good, the bad and the ugly in his closest friends and neighbors. Girls who could never be bothered before start chasing him down. Everyone wants a piece of him-including the reverend, the local loan shark and one very threatening recent parolee won't take no for an answer. On edge and on the run, he even begins to question the intentions of his best friend, Benny. He also starts to realize the power he holds in his hands and what this lottery ticket could really mean to him, his future, and the community. It's funny what people will do when money is involved.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Inside Probe, Part 2
How did the Crab Shack's owner disappear Was it an alien abduction; a hundred-year-old feud; or could the victim's fetish videos be the answer When the truth is revealed, everyone is shocked to find that the answer has been under their noses all along.
TV-14
 

Tuesday, April 29

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff Photo, The
When an old photo of Jeff appears in an art gallery, he decides it's time to make some changes in his life. Meanwhile, Russell experiences a slump with women until he sees a familiar face.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Dodge's Dad
When Dodge wants his real father to appear at his school's career day, Earl sees the opportunity to make up for ruining Dodge's career day once, but in order to do that he needs to find Dodge's real dad, much to Joy's dismay.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Quarantine Episode, The
When Marilyn brings a dangerous flu back from a trip to Mexico, the family must stay inside their house under quarantine.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Class
Cora gets a job substitute teaching, thinking she'll be teaching "little angels". But she is tested when she's assigned some of the toughest students in the school. Meanwhile, Brown and London compete in a "fashion showdown" for a NY designer.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Epic Fail
Ella is overwhelmed and falls behind in her studies due to church duties, household duties, taking care of Curtis and the rest of the family. Ella fails a test she needed to graduate and she snaps on the family. Meanwhile, Calvin and Miranda realize it's the day of their anniversary, and they both pretend they didn't forget.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Last Dance, The
Grandpa "Papouli" Katsopolis dies in his sleep during his visit to the Tanner household, and Danny, his daughters and Jesse cope with their grief in different ways.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Slum Like It...Not
Will and Carlton try to bring Phil's new real estate investment up to code.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
As the Will Turns
The lead in a daytime drama (Leanne Hunley) wants Will for her co-star.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Save the Last Trance for Me
Carlton hires a hypnotist for Will's bash; Nicky interviews for school.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Frame Toby
Michael tries to frame Toby after he discovers he's back working in the office. Someone makes a big mess in the microwave at the office and won't clean it up. Jim buys his parents' house.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Surplus, The
With a $4,300 surplus to spend, the workers fight amongst themselves in order to get what they want. Andy and Angela go to Schrute Farms to work on wedding plans.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Vas Deferens Between Men and Women, A
Complications ensue when Donna decides she wants another child; Rallo lands the lead role in a local production of the musical "Annie."
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Da Flippity Flop
Klaus swaps bodies with Stan after discovering that his original human body is on ice at the CIA; after converting the attic into a gym, Roger attempts to convince Stan to sign up for a lifetime membership.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure
Stan reveals that the C.I.A. has a cloning machine at work. Steve and Snot decide to use the machine to clone girls so that they will finally have prom dates. The cloning process backfires as the girls emerge as babies.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Poltergasm
Steve and Roger discover that the house is haunted. The ghost appears as an apparition of a younger Francine. The ghost grows more powerful until it attacks Hayley's boyfriend and pulls him into the netherworld.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Maybe Baby
Doug and Carrie contemplate having a baby; Arthur recalls the day Carrie was born.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Art House
Arthur gets his own apartment after Doug's patience wears too thin.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Finds Out, The
Rachel finds out about Ross' secret love for her -- but another surprise awaits her.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's New Girlfriend, The
Rachel gets an unpleasant surprise when Ross returns home. Phoebe has varied success cutting the friends' hair.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Breast Milk, The
Phoebe unwittingly disgusts everybody. Joey competes with a fellow salesman.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Heckles Dies, The
The downstairs neighbor dies and bequeaths his strange possessions to Monica and Rachel.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Slicer, The
Kramer buys a meat slicer; Jerry's date (Marcia Cross) considers his job meaningless.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Betrayal, The
Elaine drags Jerry and George to a wedding in India; Kramer's life is threatened.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Apology, The
Jerry's girlfriend teaches him some naked truths; George anticipates an apology.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Strike, The
George's father invents a new holiday; Kramer returns to work at the bagel shop.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
New Kidney in Town
Peter ruins his kidneys after concocting his own energy drink, prompting Brian to volunteer donating his organs; as President Obama plans on visiting the high school, Chris plagiarizes Meg's thoughts for an essay on hope.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4564
Guests: Kunar Nayar, Max Brooks, Hurray for the Riff Raff
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1056
Guests: RETTA Network Debut of True Detective Parody
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4564
Guests: Kunar Nayar, Max Brooks, Hurray for the Riff Raff
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1056
Guests: RETTA Network Debut of True Detective Parody
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Man of the Year
Acerbic performer Tom Dobbs has made his career out of skewering politicians and speaking the mind of the exasperated nation on his talk show. He cracked scathing jokes at a fractured system night after night--until he came up with a really funny idea: why not run for president himself? After a flip comment, Dobbs ignites a grassroots movement that puts him on the ballot. Hot on the campaign trail, he debates elected drones and says exactly what frustrated voters have often thought. Nov. 2nd later, the muckraker wins--only to learn that a computer voting error gave him the victory. With time ticking on the inaugural clock, Dobbs has a big decision to make: should he go back behind the mike or stay in the Oval Office?
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Pilot
An epiphany prompts a small-time crook to right the wrongs he has done in his life, beginning with a grade-schooler (Gregg Binkley) he teased.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, April 30

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Double Down
Jeff and Audrey panic when they are told they might be having twins. Meanwhile, Russell throws a citizenship party for Timmy to impress a girl.
TV-PG
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Quit Smoking
Earl decides that one way he can balance the karmic scales is by quitting smoking, but this proves to be more difficult than he imagined.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Tit for Tat Episode, The
When a new buxom woman gets hired at the station, Nick's career is threatened. Suzanne takes matters into her own hands to save her husband's job.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet Mommie Dearest
Brianna and Joaquin's mother (Tanya) returns from jail. She finds out Will and Sasha are planning to adopt the kids, but she's determined to get them back so she can live off the welfare checks from her kids. Meanwhile, the Colonel starts taking the "little blue pill" to improve his romantic life only for Brown to accidentally take a handful and he's up all night.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Foster Paynes
Ella brings home a troubled youth from the Help Center. Meanwhile, Janine and Miranda compete to get in a competitive day care.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Kissing Cousins
Jesse's Greek cousin, Stavros, visits the Tanner household and takes advantage of their generosity and kindness.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Cold Feet, Hot Body
A new student (Robin Givens) trying to seduce Will befriends Lisa.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
To Thine Own Self Be Blue...and Gold
Phil's fraternity brother, a successful businessman, offers Will an internship.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Love in an Elevator
Will, Carlton and a friend are trapped in a hotel elevator.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Moroccan Christmas
Phyllis blackmails Angela into doing the work for the Christmas party, which Michael turns into an intervention after Meredith gets drunk and sets her hair on fire. Meanwhile, Dwight corners the market on a popular Christmas gift.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Duel, The
Thanks to Michael's big mouth, Andy finally learns that his beloved Angela had an affair with Dwight, a discovery that incites the two romantic rivals to square off. Elsewhere, Michael is on edge about a corporate appointment with bigwig Wallace.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
'Tis The Cleveland To Be Sorry
As Christmas approaches...Cleveland pretends to be homeless after discovering that food at a local shelter is better than the meals Donna prepares.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Buck, Wild
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Pilot
Steve runs for school president to pick up girls (Stan rigs the election, CIA-style) and Hayley pays Roger in candy to write her school papers.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
American Dad
Threat Levels
After a near-death scare involving a CIA bio-toxin, Francine decides to start a job as a realtor...making more money than Stan. Also, bumfighting!
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Vocal Discord
Carrie and Doug decide marriage counseling is in order and turn to their neighbor for help, but his techniques only make things worse.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Like Hell
Doug tries to impress new driver Jared when he learns he was the only one at IPS not invited to Jared's barbecue.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Husband, The
Everyone is surprised when Phoebe's husband shows up.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Five Steaks And an Eggplant, The
The friends want to give Ross a birthday party but disagree about money. Monica gets promoted and learns a tough lesson.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby On the Bus, The
Matt and Chandler try to attract women with baby Ben. Phoebe gets terminated from her singing job and replaced by a professional, Stephanie (CHRISSIE HYNDE).
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Finds Out, The
Dramatic developments occur in Ross and Rachel's relationship. Chandler regrets asking Monica to help him lose weight.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dealership, The
Jerry seeks a good deal on a new car from Elaine's boyfriend (Patrick Warburton).
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cartoon, The
Susan's old friend Sally succeeds with a one-woman show about Jerry.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Strongbox, The
Kramer hides his strongbox key at Jerry's place; a neighbor feuds with Jerry.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wizard, The
Jerry buys his father an electronic organizer; Kramer retires to Florida.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
And I'm Joyce Kinney
Lois is horrified when television news reporter Joyce Kinney exposes Lois as a former pornographic film star.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Friends of Peter G.
After Peter is arrested for a public intoxication, a judge sentences him to attend AA meetings-where Peter and Brian convince their AA brethren that the best place to get drunk is at the meeting.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
German Guy
Herbert warns Chris that the kind old German puppeteer Chris has befriended is a Nazi war criminal.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Deal With It
Bob Saget and Chuey Martinez
DOUBLE DATE: When our contestant reveals to her sister that she's set them both up on a blind date with two guys from the Internet, neither of their dates comes anywhere close to being "prince charming." Co-host: Chuey Martinez. DIRTY VEGETABLES: Bob Saget's new book "Dirty Daddy" inspires a bevy of bizarre behavior from our contestant, and when he ducks for cover, his date may just duck out the door. Co-host: Bob Saget.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4565
Guests: Seth Green, Dave Attell, O.A.R
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1057
Guests: New Yorker Cartoon Editor Bob Mankoff, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4565
Guests: Seth Green, Dave Attell, O.A.R
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1057
Guests: New Yorker Cartoon Editor Bob Mankoff, U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Our Family Wedding
"Our marriage, their wedding." It''s lesson number one for any newly engaged couple, and Lucia and Marcus are no exception. They learn the hard way that the path to saying "I do" can be rife with familial strife. When they return from college and too suddenly announce their marriage plans, they soon discover that their fathers - two highly competitive over-the-top egos - can wreak a major amount of havoc on their special day. With insults flying and tempers running high, it''s anyone''s guess if the alpha dads will survive to make it down the aisle in one piece. Lucia''s mother is busy planning the wedding of "her" dreams and the only levelheaded one in the bunch is Angela, the groom''s father''s best friend and lawyer, who manages to keep her cool when the madness reaches a crescendo. With only weeks to plan their wedding, Lucia and Marcus soon discover the true meaning of love and find there is truth to the saying - that when you marry someone, you marry their entire family.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Randy's Touchdown
Earl tries to amend for an unethical sports wager on a high-school game that deprived his brother Randy of a chance to score a touchdown.
TV-14
 

Thursday, May 1

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Power Couple, The
Jeff is threatened when Audrey gets a raise and makes almost as much as he does. Meanwhile, Russell enlists Timmy to find out what Liz sees in another man.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Faked His Own Death
While atoning for stealing from a convenience store, Earl sees Natalie (Beth Riesgraf), a woman he broke up with by faking his own death.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Life Insurance Episode, The
Although Nick and Suzanne realize that Life Insurance would be a good decision to protect their family, Nick has reservations about buying a policy.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Matchmaker
Will and Sasha are determined to fight Tanya, and keep her from taking the kids. Meanwhile, London and Jesus continue their love/hate relationship.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Talented Paynes
As Claretha secretly deals with the possibility of losing her home, the family participates in a talent show. Calvin and Miranda combine their unique talents for the show.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Love on the Rocks
Joey plays a prank on his roommates, and they decide to seek revenge. D.J. ends her relationship with Steve. Special appearance by SUZANNE SOMERS.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll
Will has wedding jitters; his mom and Lisa's dad clash.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Burnin' Down the House
Will causes a kitchen fire -- just as an important dinner guest arrives.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Get a Job
By booking a famous director (Chris Rock), Will becomes Hilary's talent coordinator.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Prince Family Paper
Michael and Dwight spy on a rival paper company. The rest of the office debates whether or not Hilary Swank is hot.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Blood Drive
Michael holds a lonely hearts party on Valentine's Day at the office, hoping that he will run into a woman he met earlier that day at a blood drive. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam have an awkward lunch with Phillis and Bob Vance.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hustle 'N Bros
Cleveland is shocked when Freight Train adopts Donna's ex-husband, Robert; Junior and Rallo track down lost dogs and use the reward money to pay a debt they owe Donna.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan Knows Best
When Stan's military discipline becomes too strict for the liberal Hayley, she runs off with her boyfriend. Meanwhile Steve claims Roger as his burn-scarred sister in a valiant effort to get some boob.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Francine's Flashback
Roger's death leaves the entire family strained as Francine loses her faith and Stan struggles not to lose his manhood.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Rodger Codger
After a forgotten anniversary leads Stan to submit Francine for memory erasure at the CIA, she reverts twenty years back instead of twenty minutes, becoming once again the wild child she used to be.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Consummate Professional
Carrie learns that in the beginning of their relationship Doug lied to her about getting a job at IPS so she would sleep with him.
TV-14
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Pole Lox
Doug convinces Carrie to take pole dancing lessons but is disappointed when she puts on a show for him.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Russ, The
Joey gets a great acting opportunity. Rachel dates a guy who is amazingly similar to Ross. Series star DAVID SCHWIMMER plays a dual role.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding, with some help from an uncomfortable Ross. MARLO THOMAS and CANDACE GINGRICH guest star.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Two Parties, The
Rachel gets a surprise at her birthday party when her parents (MARLO THOMAS and RON LEIBMAN) show up.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Chicken Pox, The
When Phoebe catches chicken pox, her chances for romance with a former lover (CHARLIE SHEEN) are almost ruined. Monica worries that she is too strange for Richard.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Burning, The
George seeks timely exits; Jerry's gal has a secret; Elaine learns Puddy is religious.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bookstore, The
George hopes to meet women at a bookstore where Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Frogger, The
Elaine eats Peterman's cake; Kramer helps George steal an arcade game.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Maid, The
Jerry begins a relationship with his maid (Angela Featherstone); George wants a nickname.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair
When Bonnie leaves town, Meg cares for Joe and ends up with a crush on him; Stewie accidentally creates an identical twin who is pure evil.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Trading Places
When Peter and Lois switch places with Chris and Brian, Angela fires Peter and replaces him with the more productive Brian.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Tiegs For Two
Peter clashes with the owner of a dry cleaning business after he loses one of his white shirts; Brian infuriates Quagmire when he beings dating his old girlfriend, Cheryl Tiegs.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4566
Guests: Martin Short, Kelis
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1058
Guests: Joel McHale, Stand-up from Phil Hanley
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4566
Guests: Martin Short, Kelis
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1058
Guests: Joel McHale, Stand-up from Phil Hanley
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Disaster Movie
One fateful night, a group of ridiculously attractive twenty-somethings try to make their way to safety while every known natural disaster and catastrophic event--asteroids, twisters, earthquakes, the works--hits the city and their path as they try to solve a series of mysteries to end the rampant destruction.
TV-14
3:45 am
TBS Network Preview
Episode 1
A backstage peek at TBS's original programs.
4:00 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats" music video.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Teacher Earl
Earl's old friend, Ralph (Giovanni Ribisi), gets out of prison and kidnaps Randy, hoping he will reveal where to find Earl's money.
TV-14
 

Friday, May 2

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Last of the Red Hat Lovers, The
Russell books a cruise that he thinks is filled with "red hot" ladies but instead it's filled with ladies from the Red Hat society. Meanwhile, Timmy tries to help Jeff and Audrey settle an argument.
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine
Earl tries to help Joy's former nemesis and her daughter win a beauty pageant to make up for breaking a special figurine only awarded to pageant winners.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Hypertension Episode, The
When Nick gets a doctors report that he has high blood pressure, Suzanne does everything she can to make sure his stress levels stay low.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet Career Day
Will convinces Brianna to let him come to "Career Day" at her class, since her real father is in prison. She agrees but is disappointed when he can't make it and Brown fills in instead.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Working Paynes
C.J. hires Calvin whose performance leaves a lot to be desired. Curtis bored with retirement, takes on a hobby as a painter.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Michelle a La Cart
Sexual stereotypes are challenged when Michelle and Rebecca build a racecar and Joey takes ballet lessons from Stephanie.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Stress Related
Will overmedicates ailing Hilary before a meeting with a potential sponsor.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Bourgie Sings the Blues
Posing as his cousin, Will handles Carlton's Princeton interview; guest B.B. King.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Script Formerly Known As..., The
Dismissed juror (George Wallace) from Phil's big case appears on Hilary's show.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Stress Relief Part 1
When Dwight's unannounced fire-safety drill gives Stanley a heart attack, Michael decides the office needs help with stress relief. While watching a bootleg movie, Andy believes Jim and Pam are film gurus from hearing them discuss her parents' faltering marriage.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Stress Relief Part 2
When Dwight's unannounced fire-safety drill gives Stanley a heart attack, Michael decides the office needs help with stress relief. While watching a bootleg movie, Andy believes Jim and Pam are film gurus from hearing them discuss her parents' faltering marriage.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Wide World Of The Cleveland Show, The
As Cleveland and his family travel the world...in Italy, Cleveland must choose between Junior and Rallo to run "the family business;" in Mexico, Junior insists on having a Quinceanera, even though it's for girls; in Japan, Cleveland builds a robot to attend Junior's eating competition.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Homeland Insecurity
When a new set of Iranian neighbors sends Stan off in a whirl of suspicion that leads to the destruction of Francine's block party, he must find a way to conquer the foreign threat and make it up to her at the same time.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
Stan goes to great lengths to compete against his rival, Chuck White, and become the new deacon of their church. Meanwhile, Steve is falling in love with Chuck's daughter, Betsy.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Bullocks to Stan
Hayley dumps Jeff and dates Bullock. Stan withholds his objections in order to get a promotion.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Sandwiched Out
The guys' neighborhood restaurant names a new sandwich after Deacon, so Doug determines to get some kind of food named after himself.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Shear Torture
Carrie discovers that Doug's frequent trips to the hair salon are due to his attractive new hairstylist.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Barry And Mindy's Wedding, The
Rachel is a bridesmaid at her ex-fianci's wedding. Monica and Richard's relationship is jeopardized when the subject of children is discussed.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Princess Leia Fantasy, The
Ross' secret fantasy doesn't stay secret for long after he confides in Rachel. Chandler resumes an old relationship.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where No One's Ready, The
Ross becomes frantic trying to get everyone ready to leave to hear his speech at the museum.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Jam, The
Monica wants to have a baby. A man is stalking Phoebe.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part I)
Clips highlight the show's past nine seasons.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Clip Show, The (Part 2)
Jerry Seinfeld presents highlights from the series' first 100 episodes.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part I)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Finale, The (Part 2)
After NBC picks up Jerry and George's sitcom, the four pals are arrested for breaking the good Samaritan law.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Brothers and Sisters
Mayor West asks Lois's depressed, recently divorced sister to marry him; Peter treats Mayor West like a brother instead of a brother-in-law.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hot Tub Time Machine
A group of best friends are bored with their adult lives: Adam has been dumped by his girlfriend; Lou is a party guy who can't find the party; Nick's wife controls his every move; and video game-obsessed Jacob won't leave his basement. After a crazy night of drinking in a ski resort hot tub, the men wake up, heads pounding, in the year 1986. This is their chance to kick some past and change their futures - one will find a new love life, one will learn to stand up for himself with the ladies, one will find his mojo. And one will make sure he still exists.
TV-14
12:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Treadmill Dump
A new crop of contestants, including an oversized magician, hope their bag of tricks can handle what Bam and the boys throw at them. Challenges include a dizzying obstacle course and a precarious elevated treadmill, not to mention being turned into crash test dummies on an inverted zip line.
TV-14
12:30 am
Deal With It
Bob Saget and Chuey Martinez
DOUBLE DATE: When our contestant reveals to her sister that she's set them both up on a blind date with two guys from the Internet, neither of their dates comes anywhere close to being "prince charming." Co-host: Chuey Martinez. DIRTY VEGETABLES: Bob Saget's new book "Dirty Daddy" inspires a bevy of bizarre behavior from our contestant, and when he ducks for cover, his date may just duck out the door. Co-host: Bob Saget.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie
You, Me and Dupree
Carl and Molly have found the one unfortunate hitch in their perfectly constructed newly wedded world: Dupree. A slacker with the soul of a poet, Dupree just can''t seem to catch a break from "The Man." When he takes a week off to go be the best-man at Carl and Molly''s wedding in Hawaii, Dupree gets the unceremonious heave-ho from his boss. Now jobless, car-less and evicted from the cot at his favorite watering hole, he just needs to crash with the Petersons for a couple of days; okay, maybe a month or so. At first, Carl is psyched to have the couch guest while Molly bears the brunt of Dupree''s well-meaning antics. But, as Carl becomes buried in his grown-up job of land development and headaches, he finds it hard to juggle Dupree and his newlywed responsibilities. As time passes, his and Molly''s houseguest uses his ample spare time to become a great companion to her, underscoring Carl''s new workaholic tendencies. Even Molly''s dad begins to fall for Dupree''s carefree wisdom, frustrating Carl to no end. Soon, everyone--but Carl--begins to root for Dupree to stick around. But just as the impish buddy starts becoming a fixture in the Petersons'' home, three becomes not just a crowd, but a full-blown comic catastrophe. As the couple realizes their ideas of a white-picket fence marriage are morphing, their loveable pal serves as a daily reminder that finding your inner Dupree might just be one of life''s hidden secrets
TV-14
3:00 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise, but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces that she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
3:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama, but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and, needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Jeff Foxworthy Show, The
Jeff's Life 101
Jeff tries to win his father-in-law's respect by attempting to pay off their loan.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Stole Beer from a Golfer
When Earl tries to atone for something simple from his list, things get complicated and he ends up neglecting Randy.
TV-14
 

Saturday, May 3

6:00 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Treadmill Dump
A new crop of contestants, including an oversized magician, hope their bag of tricks can handle what Bam and the boys throw at them. Challenges include a dizzying obstacle course and a precarious elevated treadmill, not to mention being turned into crash test dummies on an inverted zip line.
TV-14
7:30 am
Deal With It
Bob Saget and Chuey Martinez
DOUBLE DATE: When our contestant reveals to her sister that she's set them both up on a blind date with two guys from the Internet, neither of their dates comes anywhere close to being "prince charming." Co-host: Chuey Martinez. DIRTY VEGETABLES: Bob Saget's new book "Dirty Daddy" inspires a bevy of bizarre behavior from our contestant, and when he ducks for cover, his date may just duck out the door. Co-host: Bob Saget.
TV-14
8:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Curtis Jefferson
Curtis wakes up as a Jefferson.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Cousins
Will has a lot of explaining to do when Sasha discovers photos on his cell phone from a bachelor party. Meanwhile, Mr. Brown searches his own family tree only to discover a connection between Mrs. Daisy's ancestors and his own ancestors.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Satchel Pagge Episode, The
Nick helps out Willie Mays, a homeless man with a beautiful voice, by getting him a job at KAWT, but Willie takes advantage of his new job.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Mother's Day
A Mother's Day feud between Debra and Marie has the women refusing to speak to each other.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Inn Escapable
Doug and Carrie's romantic getaway is a nightmare when the owners of the bed-and-breakfast become too much to take.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fresh Brood
When Doug is not allowed to hold Danny's girlfriend's baby, Doug tries to convince Carrie to have a child so he can get back at Danny.
TV-PG
11:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Hot Tub Time Machine
A group of best friends are bored with their adult lives: Adam has been dumped by his girlfriend; Lou is a party guy who can't find the party; Nick's wife controls his every move; and video game-obsessed Jacob won't leave his basement. After a crazy night of drinking in a ski resort hot tub, the men wake up, heads pounding, in the year 1986. This is their chance to kick some past and change their futures - one will find a new love life, one will learn to stand up for himself with the ladies, one will find his mojo. And one will make sure he still exists.
TV-14
1:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Old School
A trio of thirty-something buddies tries to recapture the outrageous, irrepressible fun of their college years by starting their own off-campus frat house. Mitch, Frank and Beanie have all reached a crossroads in their lives. They can choose to be responsible adults, with wives, families and steady jobs--or they can postpone adulthood in favor of the reckless abandon of frat house living with all the fun and none of the education. No contest.
TV-14
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Metaphorical Tunnel, The
Chandler wants to commit to a relationship with Janice. Phoebe poses as Joey's agent.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Frank Jr., The
Phoebe tries to be more friendly with her half-brother. Ross meets ISABELLA ROSSELLINI (As Herself).
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Flashback, The
The friends recall secrets from their pasts.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Race Car Bed, The
Joey sees Janice kissing her husband, whom she is divorcing while she dates Chandler. Rachel's father (RON LEIBMAN) clashes with Ross.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
King of Queens, The
G'Night Stalker
Doug lets the attention go to his head when he starts getting fan mail from someone who saw his performance at a karaoke club.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Move Doubt
Doug and Carrie are confused when Deacon and Kelly are not interested in buying the house next door to theirs.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Bigger Person, The
Robert tries to play peacemaker between Marie and Debra.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
First Time, The
Debra and Ray reminisce about the first time they made love.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
First Six Years (Part 1), The
Celebrity fans including Ron Howard, Larry King, Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart, Martin Short, Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Voight discuss the series.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
First Six Years (Part 2), The
Celebrity fans including Ron Howard, Larry King, Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart, Martin Short, Billy Bob Thornton, Jon Voight discuss the series.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Isolation Permutation, The
Bernadette & Penny shop for wedding dresses...without Amy.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Ornithophobia Diffusion, The
Sheldon must overcome his fear of birds.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, The
Sheldon becomes jealous when Stuart asks Amy for a date.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Speckerman Recurrance, The
Leonard comes face-to-face with his high school bully.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Deal With It
Bob Saget and Chuey Martinez
DOUBLE DATE: When our contestant reveals to her sister that she's set them both up on a blind date with two guys from the Internet, neither of their dates comes anywhere close to being "prince charming." Co-host: Chuey Martinez. DIRTY VEGETABLES: Bob Saget's new book "Dirty Daddy" inspires a bevy of bizarre behavior from our contestant, and when he ducks for cover, his date may just duck out the door. Co-host: Bob Saget.
TV-14
11:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Treadmill Dump
A new crop of contestants, including an oversized magician, hope their bag of tricks can handle what Bam and the boys throw at them. Challenges include a dizzying obstacle course and a precarious elevated treadmill, not to mention being turned into crash test dummies on an inverted zip line.
TV-14
12:00 am
Movie
Observe and Report
At the Forest Ridge Mall, head of security Ronnie Barnhardt patrols his jurisdiction with an iron fist, combating skateboarders, shoplifters and the occasional unruly customer while dreaming of the day when he can swap his flashlight for a badge and a gun. His delusions of grandeur are put to the test when the mall is struck by a flasher. Driven to protect and serve the mall and its patrons, Ronnie seizes the opportunity to showcase his underappreciated law enforcement talents on a grand scale, hoping his solution of this crime will earn a coveted spot at the police academy and the heart of his elusive dream girl Brandi, the hot make-up counter clerk who won''t give him the time of day. But his single-minded pursuit of glory launches a turf war with the equally competitive Detective Harrison of the Conway Police, and Ronnie is confronted with the challenge of not only catching the flasher, but getting him before the real cops do.
TV-14
1:45 am
Movie
Scary Movie 4
The ever-na´ve Cindy Campbell, seeking a career in home healthcare, finds work with a creepy old lady in an even creepier old house haunted by a ghostly presence. Throw in a good-looking guy next door and the threat of aliens intent on global domination and Cindy's instantly up to the top of her extremely blond head in danger. Our fearless heroine catapults into action once again struggling to decipher ominous messages from the beyond, looking for love in some very weird places and trying to save the world from mass destruction. As she struggles to discover life-saving answers, Cindy encounters horrific plane crashes, bodacious blind girls, village idiots, disheveled rappers, kinky contraptions, psycho survivalists, alien sphincters and even Oprah!
TV-14
3:30 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and "tell it to the judge."
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous "husband" shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school - at Al's expense - and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, May 4

6:00 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his "close encounter."
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
And Baby Makes Money
Al discovers new-found passion when he learns that he and Peggy stand to inherit a fortune by producing another Bundy baby.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Who
When Marcy wakes up to discover a man in her bed and a wedding ring on her finger, she gives Peggy and Al the cash to throw her a lavish wedding, but giving Marcy the party of her dreams is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Giant Poking Device, The
Chandler and Janice make a difficult decision about their relationship. Monica accidentally injures Ben and tries to hide it from Ross.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister, The
Rachel meets a handsome stranger (STEVEN ECKHOLDT) who might help her career. Chandler gets into trouble with Joey's sisters.
TV-14
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Jealousy, The
Ross overreacts when Rachel starts working with a handsome guy. Monica becomes enamored with a sexy busboy.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Monica And Richard Are Just Friends, The
When Monica and Richard (TOM SELLECK) accidentally meet, they decide to become friends -- with dire consequences.
TV-14
11:00 am
Movie
Observe and Report
At the Forest Ridge Mall, head of security Ronnie Barnhardt patrols his jurisdiction with an iron fist, combating skateboarders, shoplifters and the occasional unruly customer while dreaming of the day when he can swap his flashlight for a badge and a gun. His delusions of grandeur are put to the test when the mall is struck by a flasher. Driven to protect and serve the mall and its patrons, Ronnie seizes the opportunity to showcase his underappreciated law enforcement talents on a grand scale, hoping his solution of this crime will earn a coveted spot at the police academy and the heart of his elusive dream girl Brandi, the hot make-up counter clerk who won''t give him the time of day. But his single-minded pursuit of glory launches a turf war with the equally competitive Detective Harrison of the Conway Police, and Ronnie is confronted with the challenge of not only catching the flasher, but getting him before the real cops do.
TV-14
12:45 pm
Movie
Scary Movie 4
The ever-na´ve Cindy Campbell, seeking a career in home healthcare, finds work with a creepy old lady in an even creepier old house haunted by a ghostly presence. Throw in a good-looking guy next door and the threat of aliens intent on global domination and Cindy's instantly up to the top of her extremely blond head in danger. Our fearless heroine catapults into action once again struggling to decipher ominous messages from the beyond, looking for love in some very weird places and trying to save the world from mass destruction. As she struggles to discover life-saving answers, Cindy encounters horrific plane crashes, bodacious blind girls, village idiots, disheveled rappers, kinky contraptions, psycho survivalists, alien sphincters and even Oprah!
TV-14
2:30 pm
Movie
Not Another Teen Movie
What a year at John Hughes High! The Wasp football team goes all the way -- into the cellar, that is, when quarterback Jake Wyler makes an errant pass and Reggie Ray racks up his umpteenth concussion. Things perk up at a dazzling year-end prom when conjoined twins Kara and Sally Fratelli are crowned prom queens. Other highlights from this year include a nasty toilet explosion that drops in the middle of Mr. Keller's English class, Jake fails to seduce Janey with a human whipped cream sundae and Janey is apprehended by police after Jake's moving serenade of Aerosmith's "Janey's Got a Gun". Many new faces deck the halls this year, including Sadie, a 90 year-old undercover reporter and foreign exchange student Areola, who becomes the object of lust for all American nerds. Malik continues to be the "token black guy," Catherine is still in love with her brother, Bruce still thinks he's Asian, and Ox is still a virgin...
TV-14
4:15 pm
Movie
Eurotrip
Have you ever pressed "Send" on an e-mail and immediately wished you could get it back? Scotty Thomas and his Berlin-based computer pen pal, Mieke, have been writing each other for years, sharing every detail of their lives. When Mieke makes a 'cyber pass' at Scotty, he completely freaks out, thinking that this guy he's known for years is coming on to him--in German no less. Too bad the one detail Scotty doesn't seem to know is that, in Germany, Mieke is a girl's name. By the time Scotty figures out that Mieke is a girl, and a hot one at that, Mieke has cut off her e-mail account and all contact with him. Thinking that this might be his one chance at true love--even though he's never actually met the girl--Scotty and his best friends, Cooper and the twins Jenny and Jamie, embark on a raucous trip across Europe headed for Berlin. Their trek takes them from London to Paris to Amsterdam and Eastern Europe, exposing them--literally--to every lascivious, larcenous and lecherous indulgence Europe has to offer, in a comedy that gives new meaning to the phrase "foreign relations."
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hangover, The
Two days before his wedding, Doug and his three buddies drive to Vegas for a blow-out night they''ll never forget. But when the three groomsmen wake up the next morning with pounding headaches, they can''t remember a thing. Their posh hotel suite is beyond trashed and the groom is nowhere to be found. With no clue of what happened and little time to spare, the trio must attempt to retrace their bad decisions from the night before in order to figure out where things went wrong and hopefully get Doug back to L.A. in time for his wedding. However, the more they begin to uncover, the more they realize just how much trouble they''re really in.
TV-14
10:15 pm
Movie (DVS)
Hangover, The
Two days before his wedding, Doug and his three buddies drive to Vegas for a blow-out night they''ll never forget. But when the three groomsmen wake up the next morning with pounding headaches, they can''t remember a thing. Their posh hotel suite is beyond trashed and the groom is nowhere to be found. With no clue of what happened and little time to spare, the trio must attempt to retrace their bad decisions from the night before in order to figure out where things went wrong and hopefully get Doug back to L.A. in time for his wedding. However, the more they begin to uncover, the more they realize just how much trouble they''re really in.
TV-14
12:30 am
Movie
Zoolander
The international misadventures of fashion model Derek Zoolander, who is hired to stop a secret cartel of political assassins posing as male models. Derek soon discovers the horrifying secret of why no male models live past the age of thirty. While Derek tries to infiltrate the fashion/assassin clique led by the mean-spirited designer Mugatu, he must also contend with Hansel, a dense, on-the-rise male model who threatens to sabotage his mission--as well as his modeling career.
TV-14
2:30 am
Movie
Eurotrip
Have you ever pressed "Send" on an e-mail and immediately wished you could get it back? Scotty Thomas and his Berlin-based computer pen pal, Mieke, have been writing each other for years, sharing every detail of their lives. When Mieke makes a 'cyber pass' at Scotty, he completely freaks out, thinking that this guy he's known for years is coming on to him--in German no less. Too bad the one detail Scotty doesn't seem to know is that, in Germany, Mieke is a girl's name. By the time Scotty figures out that Mieke is a girl, and a hot one at that, Mieke has cut off her e-mail account and all contact with him. Thinking that this might be his one chance at true love--even though he's never actually met the girl--Scotty and his best friends, Cooper and the twins Jenny and Jamie, embark on a raucous trip across Europe headed for Berlin. Their trek takes them from London to Paris to Amsterdam and Eastern Europe, exposing them--literally--to every lascivious, larcenous and lecherous indulgence Europe has to offer, in a comedy that gives new meaning to the phrase "foreign relations."
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Look Who's Barking
Buck the Dog, fed up with being neglected by the Bundys, decides to leave home and venture out into the world, where he meets a canine femme fatale.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Godfather, The
Al entertains notions of greatness when he discovers that Kelly's new boyfriend is an influential city politician.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Man's Castle, A
When Peg enrolls in an interior design course, she chooses the Bundy home as her first project, but Al's in an uproar when she sets her sights on his sacred domain...the bathroom.
TV-PG
 

Monday, May 5

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Dirty Talk
TV-14
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Joy's Wedding
When Joy schedules her wedding on Earl's birthday and does not invite him, Earl gets drunk and crashes the ceremony and accidentally breaks Joy's nose in the process.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
All Night Security Dude
When the shoe store temporarily gives Al the boot, he takes a job as Polk High's night security guard, but when his prized football trophy is stolen, he comes face to face with his high school rival, Spare Tire Dixon, who wants to even the score.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Peg and Al must decided whether to give their last hundred dollars to Bud, who's been selected a top teen and invited to go to the White House and meet the President, or to Kelly, who has a chance to become "Miss Weenie Tot" -- and win a year's supply of Al's favorite treat.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Cyrano Episode, The
Nick helps out a coworker by ghostwriting him love letters for a woman on a dating website who turns out to be Gigi.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Body
Brown gives Edna an ultimatum: no more men. But one can't leave...he died in her room. She tries to get rid of the body before Brown finds out. Meanwhile, Brianna rejects Sasha's mothering efforts, when Sasha buys her a fancy dress for the upcoming legacy ball.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Payne-ful Survival
After being pulled from death's door, Calvin's struggle isn't over. The family finds out that Calvin is uninsured and there's no way for his medical bills to be paid. But they count their blessings as Calvin finally opens his eyes.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Be Your Best Friend
Michelle angers two friends when she can't decide who is her best friend. Jesse is jealous when Joey's girlfriend appears on their radio show and they ignore him.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Not I Barbeque
Will and Carlton challenge Sandra and Tiffany to a game of strip Scrabble.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Not with My Cousin You Don't
Will and Carlton try to halt Ashley's planned intimate evening with her beau (Jaleel White).
TV-PG
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Viva Lost Wages
Phil takes the boys to Las Vegas for Carlton's 21st birthday; guest Wayne Newton.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Lecture Circuit Part 1
With Pam in tow, Michael gets sent around to other Dunder Mifflin branches to explain Scranton's success. Meanwhile, Dwight and Jim, the new heads of the party planning committee, forget Kelly's birthday, and Andy falls for one of Stanley's account contacts.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Lecture Circuit Part 2
Michael and Pam go to Nashua and discover that Holly has a new boyfriend. At the office, Jim and Dwight try to come up with a theme for Kelly's birthday party, and Angela gets a new cat.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Here Comes The Bribe
A marriage counselor tells Cleveland he can skew counseling sessions with Donna in his favor, provided he receives compensation; Junior's favorite refrigerator breaks.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Smith in the Hand, A
Steve injures Stan's groin and feels terrible, inadvertently leading Stan to discover masturbation. Meanwhile Roger opens a bar in the attic.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
All About Steve
Stan comes to terms with Steve being a geek when Steve helps him apprehend a cyber-terrorist. Meanwhile Hayley helps Roger explore life outside the house.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Con Heir
Stan's father returns and tricks Stan into helping him on a jewel heist.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Gambling N' Diction
Doug tries to capitalize on his mother's poker skills by having her help him win a high-stakes tournament.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Apartment Complex
Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner, The
Phoebe's ex-singing partner wants to make Phoebe's signature song, "Smelly Cat," a commercial success. Chandler dates a woman (SHERILYN FENN) with a handicap.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross And Rachel Take a Break (Part 1), The
Phoebe becomes involved with a foreign diplomat. Ross becomes involved with another woman after a fight with Rachel.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One the Morning After (Part 2), The
Ross wakes up with Chloe, but an oblivious Rachel wants to resume their relationship.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Without the Ski Trip, The
Ross and Rachel remain apart while their friends feel forced to choose between them.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Chaperone, The
Kramer chaperons Jerry's date with a beauty contestant; guest Ian Abercrombie.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Big Salad, The
Kramer helps an athlete wanted for a brutal crime flee police; guest Michelle Forbes.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pledge Drive, The
Jerry cashes old birthday checks from his grandmother.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Couch, The
Elaine dates the guy who delivered Jerry's new couch.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Big Bang Theory, The
Using the time machine, Stewie and Brian accidentally travel outside the space-time continuum, where Stewie causes an explosion that creates the universe; Bertram travels back in time to kill one of Stewie's ancestors: Leonardo da Vinci.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Foreign Affairs
Lois and Bonnie travel to Paris, where Bonnie has an affair with a Frenchman in a wheelchair; Peter decides to home school Meg and Chris.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
It's a Trap Part 1 & 2
The Trilogy comes full circle in this parody of Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Shiny Trinket Maneuver, The
Sheldon gets in trouble with Amy, and it's up to Penny to teach him how to be a better boyfriend. Howard, meanwhile, must come to grips with Bernadette's dislike of children.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Recombination Hypothesis, The
Everything might change when Leonard offers Penny a spur of the moment invitation to a romantic dinner for two on the 100th episode of the series.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Bam's Bad Ass Game Show
Barrel Roll Bowling
It's ladies night as four women show Bam and the boys what they've got as they strut their sweet stuff in the Bam Barrel Rodeo, rain in the cash with the Money Machine and climb inside a barrel for a game of Human Bowling.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4567
Guests: Julie Bowen, Billy Eichner, Ziggy Marley
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1059
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4567
Guests: Julie Bowen, Billy Eichner, Ziggy Marley
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1059
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Women, The
In New York City''s modern whirl of fashion and publishing, Mary Haines seems to have it all--a beautiful country home, a rich financier husband, an adorable 11-year-old daughter and a part-time career creating designs for her father''s venerable clothing company. Her best friend, Sylvie Fowler, leads another enviable life--as a happily single editor of a prominent fashion magazine, a possessor of a huge closet of designer clothes and a revered arbiter of taste and style poised on New York''s cutting edge. But when Mary''s husband enters into an affair with Crystal Allen, a sultry ''spritzer girl'' lurking behind the Saks Fifth Avenue perfume counter, all hell breaks loose. Mary and Sylvie''s relationship is tested to the breaking point while their tight-knit circle of friends, including mega-mommy Edie Cohen and author Alex Fisher, all start to question their own friendships and romantic relationships as well.
TV-14
4:30 am
Married With Children
Oldies but Young 'Uns
Al struggles to remember a favorite song from his past and enlists the help of an "oldies expert," his pal Charlie Verducci; meanwhile, Charlie's son, Vinnie, falls for Kelly but, under Al's watchful eye, is unable to do anything about it.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around (1)
In the first of a two-part episode, after Al buys a shoddy air conditioner and causes a neighborhood blackout, the Bundys seek refuge from the heat and their infuriated neighbors by taking up residence in their local supermarket.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Cost Dad the Election
Earl sets out to mend his relationship with his father (Beau Bridges) by renominating him to run for mayor.
TV-14
 

Tuesday, May 6

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Bros Before Nodes
TV-PG
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
White Lie Christmas
Earl, Randy and Catalina enter a radio contest to win a new car for Joy, so Earl can atone for all of the thoughtless presents he gave Joy when they were married.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around (2)
When the Bundys are evicted from the supermarket where they've taken up temporary residence, Al inadvertently becomes their one millionth customer; but Marcy claims otherwise.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Needing cold cash for some hot prospects, Bud and Kelly are forced to find creative ways to earn money; meanwhile, Peg hoping for a hot night on the town, settles for an evening of videos with Al and the D'Arcys instead.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Identity Theft Episode, The
Nick's identity is usurped by another man named Nick Kingston-Persons. Guest starring Ice Cube.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Mexican
Jesus gets himself in trouble when he lies to his father who is about to visit, telling him that he is a successful lawyer, who owns a house and servants. Meanwhile, London is expecting a visit from her wealthy father, and is heartbroken when he doesn't show up.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Payneful Recovery
Calvin's recovery continues until the hospital threatens to discharge him. Curtis tries to mortgage his house to pay Calvin's medical bills.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Date with Fate, A
Danny's date and D.J.'s date meet and become attracted to each other. Rebecca's sons, Nicky and Alexander, learn a Mother's Day song.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
There's the Rub (Part 1)
Will and Phil get arrested at a massage parlor; Hilary and Carlton feed homeless people.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
There's the Rub (Part 2)
Will and Phil get arrested at a massage parlor; Hilary and Carlton feed homeless people.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
I, Oooh, Baby Baby
Will plays matchmaker for Hilary and a doctor; Hilary reveals shocking news.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Golden Ticket
Michael's idea to use Willy Wonka-style "Golden Tickets" for paper discounts for clients backfires. Kevin gets advice about dating from Andy, Jim, and Pam.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
New Boss
Michael plans to celebrate his 15th anniversary at Dunder Mifflin with a party, but the new Vice President interferes. Jim's most recent prank on Dwight backfires.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
When a Man (Or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie
When Freight Train misses their anniversary, Cookie runs off with musician George Clinton; Junior's visit to an office supply store triggers an elaborate fantasy.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 1
Stan gets stationed in Saudi Arabia and learns to love the Saudi lifestyle. Meanwhile Hayley falls for a Saudi guy and Roger becomes a prince's concubine.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stan of Arabia, Part 2
The Smith family is condemned to death for breaking Saudi law.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Stannie Get Your Gun
Stan and Hayley attempt to bond, but things are difficult due to Stan's obsession with guns. In the process, Hayley herself accidentally shoots Stan and paralyzes him. Meanwhile, Roger takes revenge on Steve for eating his cookie by convincing him he's adopted.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Raygin Bulls
When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Knee Jerk
Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Hypnosis Tape, The
Phoebe is distraught when her brother wants to marry a woman twice his age. While working as a waitress, Monica gets a tip from an admirer worth a small fortune. A hypnosis tape makes Chandler act like a woman.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Tiny T-Shirt, The
Ross is upset when Rachel returns his personal belongings and dates Mark. Monica dates a millionaire.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Dollhouse, The
Joey thinks he's found his true love. Rachel's boss (ALISON LaPLACA) dates Chandler, creating big trouble for Rachel. Monica inherits a dollhouse.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With a Chick and a Duck, The
When Pete buys a restaurant, Monica must make a difficult decision. Ross makes a sacrifice for Rachel. Joey buys Chandler an unusual pet.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Gymnast, The
Elaine must substitute for her boss in a merger deal; a girlfriend's mom sees George eating out of the trash; guest Maurice Godin.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mom & Pop Store, The
George buys a convertible the salesman claims once belonged to Jon Voight.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Soup, The
Jerry regrets accepting a designer suit from an obnoxious comedian (Stephen Hytner).
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Switch, The
Kramer's mom (Sheree North) reveals her son's name to George; guest Terry Sweeney.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Lottery Fever
Peter blows his savings on lottery tickets and the family writes it off as one of his usual shenanigans until they end up millionaires. In true Griffin fashion, they can't handle the good fortune and struggle to stay grounded.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Beta Test Initiation, The
Leonard and Penny "beta test" their relationship.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Friendship Contraction, The
Sheldon's selfish demands force Leonard to reconsider their friendship. Meanwhile, Howard tries to pick his astronaut nickname. NASA astronaut MIKE MASSIMINO guest stars.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Vacation Solution, The
When Sheldon is forced to take a vacation by the university, he goes to work with Amy in her neurobiology lab.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rothman Disintegration, The
When a corner office at the University opens up, Sheldon must compete for it with his office nemesis, Barry Kripke. Meanwhile, Penny receives an unusual gift from Amy.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Werewolf Transformation, The
A change in Sheldon's routine forces him to re-evaluate his entire life, when his barber is sick. Meanwhile, Howard rethinks his decision to go into space after astronaut training.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Weekend Vortex, The
Sheldon chooses to participate in a guys-only weekend Star Wars gaming marathon rather than go with Amy to her aunt's birthday party... and gets a lesson from Penny and Amy.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4568
Guests: Dave Franco, Hamilton Leithauser
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1060
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4568
Guests: Dave Franco, Hamilton Leithauser
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1060
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Expecting Mary
Mary is young pregnant girl who''s had all the trappings of an upscale life, but it''s only when she finds herself in a small New Mexico town, in a downtrodden trailer park, that she learns the real meaning of love, sacrifice and family.
TV-14
4:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 (1)
When Al takes the family on a road trip to a shoe convention in California, the Bundys discover a golden opportunity when their car breaks down in the middle of a ghost town.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
Route 666 (2)
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch "gold fever" and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Barn Burner
Earl builds a pen for the Right Choice Ranch's new ostrich in order to make amends for burning down a barn many years earlier.
TV-14
 

Wednesday, May 7

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Audrey Is Dumb
TV-PG
6:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
O Karma, Where Art Thou?
Earl helps a newlywed couple go on their honeymoon by filling in for the groom at his fast-food restaurant job, where he learns that the boss is a bully.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby (1)
In the season premiere, Marcy excitedly announces that she's pregnant, but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she, too, has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Are We There Yet ?
Inappropriate Website Episode, The
When Nick lands on a porn website due to a spelling error, a co-worker takes it the wrong way, forcing KAWT employees to undergo sensitivity training.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
Meet the Entrepreneur
Will gets very cold feet about being a father to Brianna and Joaquin. He vents to Brown about his doubts, but Brianna overhears him. She and Joaquin, thinking they're not wanted, run away. Brown is convinced by everyone to market the secret family barbecue sauce recipe. Brown's very excited about the prospect of getting rich off the sauce. But he loses the recipe and scrambles to recreate it.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Tyler Perry's House of Payne
Stop, Drop and Roll
C.J. and Janine have a fight which carries over into the office. Malik takes a class on evolution and doesn't know if he believes in God.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Full House
Too Little Richard Too Late
Joey wants to be elected PTA (Parent-Teachers' Association) president because he worries that the school wants to discontinue teaching art. Denise's uncle, Little Richard, helps Joey's campaign.
TV-G
10:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Boxing Helena
Will's New Year's resolution leads him to the gym to get in shape.
TV-G
10:30 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (Part 1)
A modeling agent (Joan Van Ark) discovers Ashley; neglected Vivian mulls a separation.
TV-G
11:00 am
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (SAP)
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (Part 2)
Will schemes to save Vivian and Phil's marriage; guest Jenifer Lewis.
TV-G
11:30 am
Office, The (SAP)
Two Weeks
As his new boss becomes even more watchful, Michael's behavior becomes increasingly careless, Pam deals with a difficult copier, and Kelly has a new crush.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Office, The (SAP)
Dream Team
Michael and Pam begin their first day as the Michael Scott Paper Company putting together the rest of the staff and trying to raise money.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Pins, Spins and Fins
When Donna discovers a rat loose in the house, she immediately moves herself and the kids in with her mother, Dee Dee (guest voice Phylicia Rashad), leaving Cleveland home alone to hunt down the rodent. Cleveland takes advantage of having the house to himself and soon bonds with his new pet and best friend "Rat Lauer." Meanwhile Rallo and Jr. pretend they're spies, but things get out of hand when Junior won't reveal what's in his secret briefcase.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Star Trek
Steve becomes a famous author, and the entire family gets caught up in his celebrity, including Stan, who becomes an unbearable "stage parent." After Steve hooks up with an agent, he abandons his family to lead a "Cribs" lifestyle.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Not Particularly Desperate Housewives
Francine tries to join an organization to feel accepted, only to discover she must cheat on Stan to become a member. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger fight over the attention of an adorable little dog, and Hayley locks Steve and Klaus in her closet.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Rough Trade
Stan and Roger experience life in each other's shoes in a Freaky Friday-type switch. As a result, Roger becomes a car salesman while Stan stays around at home all day, both realizing these lives aren't all they're cracked up to be.
TV-14
2:30 pm
King of Queens, The
Baker's Doesn't
Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
King of Queens, The
Present Tense
When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Screamer, The
Ross tries to convince Rachel that her date (BEN STILLER) is psychotic. Joey's play gets terrible reviews.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Thing, The
Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks. Phoebe can't choose between two guys. Monica's boyfriend surprises her.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ultimate Fighting Champion, The
Monica's boyfriend cannot stop fighting. Chandler's boss is overly friendly. BILLY CRYSTAL and ROBIN WILLIAMS guest star. Referee JOHN McCARTHY and announcer BRUCE BUFFER guest star as themselves.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One at the Beach, The
The friends stay at a beach house. Phoebe meets someone who knows details about her family. Rachel expresses her jealousy of Ross' uninhibited girlfriend.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Seinfeld
Label Maker, The
Jerry and Elaine are suspicious of a friend's gifts; guest Jessica Tuck.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Race, The
An ex-classmate questions Jerry's status as the fastest runner in high school; guest Vicki Lewis.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Scofflaw, The
A friend (Jon Lovitz) fakes illness to get Jerry's sympathy; Kramer obstructs justice.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Kiss Hello, The
Jerry stops greeting friends with a kiss; Uncle Leo puts Nana in a nursing home; guest Wendie Malick, Carol Leifer.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Family Guy (SAP)
Seahorse Sea Shell Party
A storm hits the towns of Stoolbend, Quahog and Langley Falls. To help pass the time and calm his nerves, Brian consumes some questionable substances and has trouble sobering up. Meanwhile, Meg goes off the deep end after the family takes one too many jabs at her.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q
Quagmire and his friends try to talk his sister into getting away from her abusive boyfriend. But when she won't listen, they decide to take matters into their own hands.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stewie Goes for a Drive
Peter befriends actor Ryan Reynolds until he discovers that Reynolds may be attracted to him, and Stewie leaves home after Brian figures out that he wrecked Brian's car.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Transporter Malfunction, The
It's a dream come true for Sheldon when he has a close encounter with his hero, Mr. Spock -- legendary sci-fi icon LEONARD NIMOY.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hawking Excitation, The
Sheldon has a chance to meet his hero, STEPHEN HAWKING.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Stag Convergence, The
Howard's wedding plans are in jeopardy after the guys (and Wil Wheaton) throw him a bachelor party and details of his sexual history are leaked online.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Deal With It
Howie Mandel and Kevin Nealon
CUTESY PIE: After whispering sweet nothings to his friend, our contestant is instructed to take their relationship to the next level, by locking lips with him in an unusual way. Co-host: Howie Mandel. END TIMES: The end is nigh, as this contestant must convince her friend that a meteor is hurtling toward earth, then brace for impact by taking shelter under a table. Co-host: Kevin Nealon.
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 4569
Guests: Paul F. Thompkins, Emily Heller
TV-14
12:00 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1061
TV-MA
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 4569
Guests: Paul F. Thompkins, Emily Heller
TV-14
1:30 am
Pete Holmes Show
Episode 1061
TV-MA
2:00 am
Movie
Prince Charming
A retelling of the fairytale "The Frog Prince." On the eve of his marriage to Princess Gwendolyn, Prince John finds himself in a compromising situation with a damsel in distress. As punishment, he and his squire, Rodney, are turned into frogs for all eternity, or until the prince can convince a maiden to kiss him in his form as a frog and then marry him when he reverts to human form. After centuries on the pond, the frogs are accidentally transported to New York's Central Park, where the frog/prince gets his kiss from Margo Stockard, a Broadway diva. In a playful moment, she plants a kiss on the lips of the princely toad and tosses him back in the lake. He and Rodney emerge from the lake in human form, but staying that way won't be easy. In order to break the curse forever, he must find Margo and convince her to marry him before the next full moon.

Engaging the services of streetwise Kate, a hansom cab driver, John and Rodney go in search of Margo. Mistaken for a Shakepearean actor, John is asked to star opposite his salvation, Margo. Meanwhile, Rodney finds his own princess in Margo's spunky wardrobe mistress, Serena. But as the full moon approaches, John discovers that it's Kate who has won his heart. Even with the curse looming, he decides to follow it and accept whatever the fates have in store.

TV-PG
4:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby (2)
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
4:30 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women - pregnant or otherwise - decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to- be.
TV-PG
5:00 am
Married With Children
Cheese, Cues and Blood
Lusting for a thousand dollar dress to wear to the "Miss Cheese" competition, Kelly decides to earn the money the old-fashioned way - by hustling pool.
TV-PG
5:30 am
My Name is Earl (SAP)
Stole P's HD Cart
After Earl returns a hot-dog cart that he and Ralph (Giovanni Ribisi) stole, his efforts are undone when Ralph, working for the competition, sets fire to the cart.
TV-14