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SCHEDULE: September 2015

Times listed for EASTERN and PACIFIC timezones except where otherwise noted.

Thursday, September 3

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Jeff Photo, The
When an old photo of Jeff appears in an art gallery, he decides it's time to make some changes in his life. Meanwhile, Russell experiences a slump with women until he sees a familiar face.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Double Down
Jeff and Audrey panic when they are told they might be having twins. Meanwhile, Russell throws a citizenship party for Timmy to impress a girl.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Her Cups Runneth Over
Peggy is so miserable when her favorite bra is discontinued, that Al is forced to take matters into his own hands and find a replacement.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Bald and the Beautiful, The
When Al and Steve face up to the bald fact that they are both losing their hair, they decide to seek the counsel and encouragement of a hairless support group.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
I'll See You in Court
Peggy hopes that an overnight stay in a motel will liven up her sex life with Al only to discover that their most intimate moments have been videotaped by the management.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Gypsy Cried, The
When a gypsy fortune teller predicts disaster for Marcy and good fortune for Al, Steve and Peggy, Marcy insists that they accompany her on a plane trip to New York, first class, of course.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Requiem for a Dead Barber
When Al's long-time barber passes on, Al is forced to face the fact that the old-fashioned barber shop is a thing of the past and resigns himself to a future of beauty salon haircuts.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Eatin' Out
When the Bundy's receive a modest inheritance check from Peg's deceased uncle, they decide to splurge and eat out at an elegant restaurant.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Ice Cubed
Carrie is overcome with guilt when she gets a digital music player for free because of the cashier's inattention.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Wish Boned
Doug's elation at winning two tickets to the NCAA Final Four turns to guilt when Carrie prompts him to take Arthur instead of Deacon.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Slippery Slope
When Carrie discovers that her and Doug's ski weekend getaway was motivated by a promotion for a free plasma TV that Doug wants, her romantic mood sours.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Buy Curious
When their neighbor passes away, Carrie convinces Doug it would be a smart investment to buy the house and sell it for profit.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
General Thanksgiving Episode, A
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland opens a bar at the airport; Holt and his estranged father bond when Cleveland becomes trapped on a pilotless airplane.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Turkey Pot Die
As Thanksgiving approaches...Cleveland takes Junior to a turkey farm to pick out holiday dinner, but Junior concocts a plot to set the birds free; Donna and Rallo set to work building a Thanksgiving parade float.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
One That Got Away, The
Roger discovers that one of his personas has taken on a life of his own. Back at home, the Smith family becomes addicted to the 1970s electronic game "Simon."
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
One Little Word
When Stan becomes his boss' new advisor, he feels like he can't say no to anything, not even outrageous personal requests. But when Francine gets involved in the situation and his annoying "yes-man" antics ruin her Valentine's Day vacation, she does everything in her power to force him to say "no".
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
LGBSteve
Hayley is dying to be on a roller derby team, but they will only let her play if her "sister" Steve will play too. Meanwhile, a magical carpenter visits Stan and Francine and Roger runs the roller rink.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Escape from Pearl Bailey
Steve plots revenge against Lisa Silver and the cool kids after Debbie loses her bid to become student council president. But when the cool kids stage a counterattack, will Steve and his friends survive
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Fluffer
Nick and Jess address their relationship-without-benefits. Meanwhile, Winston has a lot on his mind besides Shelby. Then, hoping to date a beautiful Republican, Schmidt pretends to be one of presidential candidate Mitt Romney's sons.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Neighbors
When a group of young twenty-something neighbors moves in across the hall, Jess and Schmidt are determined to become friends with them. Meanwhile, Nick enacts a series of pranks on Schmidt to make him think he's getting old.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Dirty Day, The
CHARLTON HESTON (As Himself) finds Joey in a compromising position during a movie shoot. Rachel regrets asking Ross for a favor.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Rugby, The
Chandler's annoying former girlfriend reappears. Ross plays rugby to impress Emily -- with painful results.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fake Party, The
Trying to become better acquainted with her sexy client, Rachel inadvertently thwarts Ross' plans for a romantic evening with his girlfriend.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Free Porn, The
Monica helps Ross tell his girlfriend that he loves her. Phoebe gets some surprising news about her pregnancy.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Trip (Part 1), The
Jerry and George search for Kramer in Los Angeles; George Wendt; Corbin Bernsen; Elmarie Wendel.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Trip (Part 2), The
Jerry and George try to save Kramer from a serial-murder accusation; guest Clint Howard.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wallet (Part 1), The
Jerry tries to explain the absence of a watch his parents gave him.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Watch (Part 2), The
Jerry tries to buy back a discarded watch, a gift from his parents.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas, A
Peter accidentally gives away all the Christmas presents; Brian burns Lois' dinner.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows
Brian is sentenced to care for a crabby old woman; Peter's beard becomes a home for birds.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
From Method To Madness
Stewie attempts a career in show business; Meg dates a nudist.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bozeman Reaction, The
A robbery of their apartment sees Leonard and Sheldon call on their friends to devise a security system.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Einstein Approximation, The
Stuck on the solution to a physics problem, Sheldon seeks a number of alternative approaches to change his thinking and free the mental block; including working with Penny at The Cheesecake Factory.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Large Hadron Collision, The
Leonard faces a dilemma in choosing between Sheldon or Penny to accompany him to Switzerland to see CERN's Large Hadron Collider on Valentine's Day.
TV-PG
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5729
Guests: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Nina Dobrev, The Word
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Meeting, The
Michael sabotages--then promotes--Jim's efforts at getting a promotion, while Dwight and Toby try to prove that Darryl has submitted a fraudulent medical claim.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5729
Guests: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Nina Dobrev, The Word
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
No Reason to Cry
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Invincible
It''s every sports fan''s wildest, craziest fantasy--the chance to play on the field and go toe-to-toe with the larger-than-life heroes they idolize. Yet, in 1976, this seemingly fairy-tale scenario happened in real life. It was then that Vince Papale, a 30-year-old teacher and part-time bartender with little football experience other than being a season ticket-holder, entered the unprecedented public tryouts for his NFL favorites, the Philadelphia Eagles, and defied all expectations. Not only did Papale make the team--he remade the team, helping to inspire them to break through their 11-season losing and streak and rediscover their winning spirit. In the bicentennial year of 1976, Papale lived out the dreams of a city and a nation by taking on the impossible with an unsinkable attitude and becoming the NFL''s most unlikely rookie ever.
TV-PG
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2009
Clips include unusual sneezes, golf mishaps and a cat who jumps on to a counter to attack a freshly baked cake. Also, a salute to the "Land of 10,000 Lakes," with clips submitted from Minnesota.
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2010
Clips in this holiday episode include a kid with a seemingly endless Christmas list that he recites to a poor Santa in a department store, and a little boy who tricks his mom into looking away so he can steal the cookies left for Santa.
TV-G
 

Friday, September 4

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Power Couple, The
Jeff is threatened when Audrey gets a raise and makes almost as much as he does. Meanwhile, Russell enlists Timmy to find out what Liz sees in another man.
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Last of the Red Hat Lovers, The
Russell books a cruise that he thinks is filled with "red hot" ladies but instead it's filled with ladies from the Red Hat society. Meanwhile, Timmy tries to help Jeff and Audrey settle an argument.
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
My Mom, the Mom
Peggy is the hit of Mother/Daughter Career Day at Kelly's school when she instructs the girls in the art of being a housewife, including demonstrations of wallet pilfering and mastering the TV remote control.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me (aka Kelly's Dance)
When Kelly is faced with a choice of getting kicked out of school or joining the tap dance club, she swallows her pride, buckles on her tap shoes and performs some dirty dancing that leaves the audience sweating in their seats.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Three Job, No Income Family, A
When Peggy gets a job selling cosmetics and brings home more money than Al, he gets a second job to regain his self-respect, but still finds himself losing the breadwinning game.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Harder They Fall, The
After Peggy gives the highway salute to a rude driver while in the Rhoades' car, Steve is obsessed with the fear that the enraged driver - a possible ex-con - may come looking for him.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
House That Peg Lost, The
When Steve and Marcy return from vacation after entrusting the keys to their house to Peggy, they're shocked to find a big hole where their house used to be.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen (1)
In this two-part story, Peggy and Al attend the Polk High School Reunion where Peggy is determined to defeat her old nemesis for the title of Reunion Queen.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Vocal Discord
Carrie and Doug decide marriage counseling is in order and turn to their neighbor for help, but his techniques only make things worse.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Like Hell
Doug tries to impress new driver Jared when he learns he was the only one at IPS not invited to Jared's barbecue.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Consummate Professional
Carrie learns that in the beginning of their relationship Doug lied to her about getting a job at IPS so she would sleep with him.
TV-14
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Pole Lox
Doug convinces Carrie to take pole dancing lessons but is disappointed when she puts on a show for him.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Vas Deferens Between Men and Women, A
Complications ensue when Donna decides she wants another child; Rallo lands the lead role in a local production of the musical "Annie."
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
'Tis The Cleveland To Be Sorry
As Christmas approaches...Cleveland pretends to be homeless after discovering that food at a local shelter is better than the meals Donna prepares.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Pulling Double Booty
Hayley's boyfriend, Jeff, breaks up with her. After going on a short rampage through the mall after the break-up, Hayley falls for Stan's body double, Bill, from the CIA. Things take a bizarre twist when the double begins hitting on Francine. Meanwhile, Roger and Steve get their first summer job at a Chinese chicken hatchery.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Phantom of the Telethon
Stan hosts a CIA telethon to raise a million dollars for their torture programs. Meanwhile, an angry Roger works to sabotage the event. When Roger releases a terrorist at the telethon, Stan must find a way to meet the telethon's goal before everyone is blown up.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Chimdale
Roger, Francine, Hayley, and Klaus head off to the Chimdale Spa for a week of relaxation, but instead are hounded by nosey hotel detective, Ron Turlington. Back at home, Steve discovers that Stan is bald. Betrayed by Stan's deception, Steve steals Stan's wig and sneaks off to Chimdale to tell the family the truth.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Stan Time
Fed up with a lack of alone time, Stan starts taking experimental CIA pills that allow him to remain fully awake 24/7. Using his new-found "Stan Time," Stan enters the world of competitive classic videogaming. When Francine discovers Stan's pills, she starts off on her own career. As Stan and Francine begin to drift apart, Stan must decide what's more important - "Stan Time" or family time. Meanwhile, Steve and Roger write a movie together.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Models
After spending a wild night out with Cece and her model friends, Jess jumps in the driver's seat when she must fill in for Cece at a car show. Meanwhile, the guys question what defines male friendship after Schmidt buys Nick a cookie.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Halloween
Jess gets a job as a zombie at a haunted house, but is more frightened of her changing feelings towards Sam. Schmidt and Cece are (unfortunately) perfectly matched in the costumes they're wearing, while Winston and Shelby are worlds apart in theirs. Nick gets a visit from a former college crush who shows her affection in a scary way.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's New Dress, The
Ross and his ex-wife become jealous when their lovers go to England together. Rachel's plans to seduce her boyfriend go awry.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Haste, The
Drastic changes occur in Ross' relationship with Emily. Monica and Rachel will do anything to get their old apartment back from the guys.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Wedding Dresses, The
Rachel reacts drastically to Ross' engagement. Chandler becomes exasperated by Joey's snoring.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Invitation, The
Rachel and the engaged Ross reminisce separately about when they dated each other. The friends get invitations to Ross' wedding--but not all of them are going.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bubble Boy, The
Jerry gets lost en route to visiting a sickly fan; guest Jessica Lundy.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cheever Letters, The
Jerry and George work on their pilot script.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Opera, The
Unaware her beau is a mad stalker, Jerry takes Elaine to the opera.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Virgin, The
Hours before a network meeting, Jerry and George draw a blank; guest Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Stuck Together, Torn Apart
Peter's jealously forces a trial separation; Stewie and Brian get glued together.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Road To Europe
Stewie goes to England to take refuge in his favorite television show, while Lois embarrasses Peter at a KISS concert.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Men in Black II
Kay and Jay reunite to provide our best, last and only line of defense against a sinister seductress who levels the toughest challenge yet to the MIBs untarnished mission statement: protecting the earth from the scum of the universe. It''s been four years since the alien-seeking agents averted an intergalactic disaster of epic proportions. Kay has since returned to the comforts of civilian life while Jay continues to work for the Men In Black, the highly funded yet unofficial government agency that regulates all things alien on earth. While investigating a seemingly routine crime, Jay uncovers a diabolical plot masterminded by Serleena, an evil Kylothian monster who disguises herself as a sexy lingerie model. When Serleena takes the entire MIB building hostage, there is only one person left Jay can turn to-his former MIB partner who is now a drone in another large government office, the U.S. postal service, and prefers simple pleasures like his wife''s cookies over standoffs with mammoth alien insects. It''s a race against the clock as Jay must convince Kay-who not only has absolutely no memory of his time spent with the Men In Black, but is also the only living person left with the expertise to save the galaxy-to reunite with the MIB before the earth submits to ultimate destruction.
TV-PG
10:45 pm
Movie
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Captain Jack Sparrow is caught up in another tangled web of supernatural intrigue. Although the curse of the Black Pearl has been lifted, an even more terrifying threat looms over its captain and scurvy crew: it turns out that Jack owes a blood debt to the legendary Davy Jones, Ruler of the Ocean Depths, who captains the ghostly Flying Dutchman, which no other ship can match in speed and stealth. Unless the ever-crafty Jack figures a cunning way out of this Faustian pact, he will be cursed to an afterlife of eternal servitude and damnation in the service of Jones. This startling development interrupts the wedding plans of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, who once again find themselves thrust into Jack''s misadventures, leading to escalating confrontations with sea monsters, very unfriendly islanders, flamboyant soothsayer Tia Dalma and even the mysterious appearance of Will''s long-lost father, Bootstrap Bill. Meanwhile, ruthless pirate hunter Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company sets his sights on retrieving the fabled "Dead Man''s Chest." According to legend, whoever possesses the Dead Man''s Chest gains control of Davy Jones, and Beckett intends to use this awesome power to destroy every last Pirate of the Caribbean once and for all. For times are changing on the high seas, with businessmen and bureaucrats becoming the true pirates--and freewheeling, fun-loving buccaneers like Jack and his crew threatened with extinction.
TV-PG
1:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he''s quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
3:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2011
"Muppetpalooza" features guest appearances from Miss Piggy, Kermit and other favorites. Clips in this episode include what happens when a dog really does eat one girl's homework, wedding mishaps, kitchen disasters and a not-so-bright canine who tries to find the cat whose image appears on a computer laptop.
TV-G
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2012
Clips include one little boy's hilarious toast at a wedding, funny reactions from people learning that their loved ones are pregnant, a Beluga whale that tries to get a boy's cookie, and practical jokes.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Prom Queen: the Sequel (2)
Peggy vigorously campaigns for the title of Reunion Queen while Al settles an old score with a former classmate at the Polk High School Reunion.
TV-PG
 

Saturday, September 5

6:00 am
Married With Children
Computer Show, The
Peggy brings the family closer to the poorhouse when she insists on buying a home computer.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Dateless Amigo, The
When Bud finds it difficult to line up a date, he resorts to the next best thing - a mannequin -with a penchant for losing her head.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Contest, The
Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine vie at self-denial; guests Estelle Harris, Jane Leeves.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Pick, The
Elaine sends out a revealing photo of herself in Christmas cards.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Pacifier, The
Assigned to protect the endangered children of an assassinated scientist working on a secret invention, Shane Wolfe is suddenly faced with juggling two incompatible jobs: fighting evil while keeping house. As he adds to his usual arsenal of wetsuits and weapons the new tools of juice boxes and a minivan, Shane not only must defeat a world-threatening enemy but also wrangle teen rebel Zoe, uplift sullen 14-year-old Seth and outwit 8-year-old Ninja-wannabe Lulu, simultaneously keeping toddler Peter and baby Tyler out of mischief, not to mention harm's way. While drop zones, demolitions and destroying enemy targets come naturally to Shane, he has no idea what tough really is until he pits his courage against diapering, den-mothering and driver's education. He's truly a S.E.A.L. out of water, but this tough-guy loner soon realizes that he's also facing the most important mission of his life: becoming part of a family and bringing them all closer together.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Drillbit Taylor
It all begins on the first day of high school, when a trio of anxious freshmen--chubby Ryan, freakishly skinny Wade and their shrimpy tagalong, Emmit--become the instant target of the school''s senior psycho-in-residence, Filkins, the ultimate school bully. As what they were hoping to be the best years of their lives are suddenly turned into a daily living hell, the boys realize they have only one choice--to hire their own personal bodyguard. Enter Drillbit Taylor, not the best but definitely the cheapest of the mercenaries, hit men and bodyguards who answer their online ad. Drillbit is steely, dangerous and skilled in covert black-ops and exotic martial arts. He''s also a complete fraud. He bluffs and cajoles the credulous trio through his cockamamie boot camp and, after several hilarious missteps, instills in them new skills and some much needed confidence. But when push comes to shove--and more pushing and more shoving--Drillbit seems to be no match for Filkins'' reign of terror. Now it''s up to Ryan, Wade and Emmit to transform this down-and-out drifter into the savior he originally promised to be.
TV-14
12:15 pm
Movie (DVS)
Men in Black II
Kay and Jay reunite to provide our best, last and only line of defense against a sinister seductress who levels the toughest challenge yet to the MIBs untarnished mission statement: protecting the earth from the scum of the universe. It''s been four years since the alien-seeking agents averted an intergalactic disaster of epic proportions. Kay has since returned to the comforts of civilian life while Jay continues to work for the Men In Black, the highly funded yet unofficial government agency that regulates all things alien on earth. While investigating a seemingly routine crime, Jay uncovers a diabolical plot masterminded by Serleena, an evil Kylothian monster who disguises herself as a sexy lingerie model. When Serleena takes the entire MIB building hostage, there is only one person left Jay can turn to-his former MIB partner who is now a drone in another large government office, the U.S. postal service, and prefers simple pleasures like his wife''s cookies over standoffs with mammoth alien insects. It''s a race against the clock as Jay must convince Kay-who not only has absolutely no memory of his time spent with the Men In Black, but is also the only living person left with the expertise to save the galaxy-to reunite with the MIB before the earth submits to ultimate destruction.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Mr. Deeds
When Deeds inherits controlling interest in a media corporation from his deceased uncle, he''s quickly besieged by opportunists gunning for their piece of the pie. When Babe, a television tabloid reporter posing as an innocent smalltown girl, is sent to do an expose on Deeds, she instead feels herself falling in love.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Worst Best Man Ever, The
Joey loses Ross' treasured wedding ring. Phoebe has extreme mood variations from her pregnancy.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 1), The
Rachel stays home while the others go to England for Ross' wedding. CHRISTINA PICKLES, RICHARD BRANSON, JENNIFER SAUNDERS, TOM CONTI, ELLIOTT GOULD and SARAH, THE DUCHESS OF YORK guest star.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Wedding (Part 2), The
Rachel frantically tries to get to London before Ross marries Emily. Ross' father clashes with Emily's. OLIVIA WILLIAMS and HUGH LAURIE guest star.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Lesbian Wedding, The
Carol and Susan prepare for their wedding, with some help from an uncomfortable Ross. MARLO THOMAS and CANDACE GINGRICH guest star.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Visa, The
A deportee (Brian George) blames helpful Jerry; Kramer returns from baseball fantasy camp.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Outing, The
Jerry tries to refute reports that he and George are lovers; guest Paula Marshall.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Shoes, The
Jerry and George struggle to keep their idea for a TV series alive.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Old Man, The
Jerry, George and Elaine volunteer to help senior citizens; guest Edie McClurg.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Excelsior Acquisition, The
An appearance in traffic court comes at the worst possible time for Sheldon; the same day Stan Lee is appearing at the comic book store.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Precious Fragmentation, The
The guys go to a garage sale and find a ring from the "Lord of the Rings" films, and the rare find threatens their friendship.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pants Alternative, The
Sheldon's fear of speaking in front of large groups threatens his ability to accept an award, so the gang tries to help him get ready for the big night.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wheaton Recurrence, The
Sheldon gets to square off on the bowling alley against nemesis Wil Wheaton. Meanwhile, Leonard's miffed when Penny doesn't respond the way he hoped after saying, "I love you."
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Spaghetti Catalysis, The
Subsequent to Leonard and Penny's break-up, Sheldon tries to hide from Leonard and the gang that he had a friendly spaghetti dinner at Penny's.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Plimpton Stimulation, The
Sheldon hosts a visiting female physicist (Judy Greer), but her intelligence seems matched by her libido.
TV-14
11:00 pm
America's Next Weatherman
Image is Everything
The weathercasters get a makeover in the dark and do their best to impress the judges and special guest judge, Brad Goreski in a 4KAST news fashion show.
TV-14
12:00 am
America's Next Weatherman
Image is Everything
The weathercasters get a makeover in the dark and do their best to impress the judges and special guest judge, Brad Goreski in a 4KAST news fashion show.
TV-14
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Thing About You, A
TV-PG
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Lost Children
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Crazy, Stupid, Love
At fortysomething, straight-laced Cal Weaver is living the dream - good job, nice house, great kids and marriage to his high school sweetheart. But when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his "perfect" life quickly unravels. Worse, in today''s single world, Cal, who hasn''t dated in decades, stands out as the epitome of un-smooth. Now spending his free evenings sulking alone at a local bar, the hapless Cal is taken on as wingman and protege to handsome, thirtysomething player Jacob Palmer. In an effort to help Cal get over his wife and start living his life, Jacob opens Cal''s eyes to the many options before him: flirty women, manly drinks and a sense of style that can''t be found at Supercuts or The Gap. Cal and Emily aren''t the only ones looking for love in what might be all the wrong places: Cal''s 13-year-old son, Robbie, is crazy about his 17-year-old babysitter, Jessica, who harbors a crush on Cal. And despite Cal''s makeover and his many new conquests, the one thing that can''t be made over is his heart, which seems to keep leading him back to where he began.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2013
Clips include a Grizzly bear that tries to steal a fisherman's catch, only to be then challenged by a bigger Grizzly; a musical montage of birds attacking people, and a cat giving a dog a massage.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Life's a Beach
When Al decides the Bundy clan needs to spend quality time together, they pack up the suntan oil, bug spray and portable TV and head for the beach.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, September 6

6:00 am
Married With Children
Here's Lookin' at You, Kid
When a neighborhood peeping tom has taken a peek at everyone on the block except Peggy, she tries to rectify the situation by leaving milk, cookies and a ladder.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Hot off the Grill
In honor of Labor Day, Al Bundy "treats" Peggy, Kelly, Bud, Steve and Marcy to an oldfashioned barbecue - Bundy style.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Handicap Spot, The
George parks in a handicapped spot, inciting an angry mob.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Junior Mint, The
Visitors Kramer and Jerry think they killed a surgery patient; guest Susan Walters.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Smelly Car, The
A valet's odor permeates Jerry's car; guests Nick Bakay, Taylor Negron.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl (Part 1), The
Ross searches for his former pet monkey. Joey dates an obsessed fan. BROOKE SHIELDS, CHRIS ISAAK, ROARK CRITCHLOW, FRED WILLARD and TAHJ MOWRY guest star.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One After the Super Bowl (Part 2), The
Ross spends some quality time with Marcel, his former pet monkey. Chandler gets a big surprise from a sexy former classmate. JULIA ROBERTS and JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME guest star.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One With the Prom Video, The
Monica's old home video shows Ross' true feelings for Rachel. Joey gives a gaudy gift to Chandler.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know, The
Ross and Rachel encounter obstacles to romance. Monica becomes enamored with a handsome, older doctor (TOM SELLECK).
TV-14
10:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Crazy, Stupid, Love
At fortysomething, straight-laced Cal Weaver is living the dream - good job, nice house, great kids and marriage to his high school sweetheart. But when Cal learns that his wife, Emily, has cheated on him and wants a divorce, his "perfect" life quickly unravels. Worse, in today''s single world, Cal, who hasn''t dated in decades, stands out as the epitome of un-smooth. Now spending his free evenings sulking alone at a local bar, the hapless Cal is taken on as wingman and protege to handsome, thirtysomething player Jacob Palmer. In an effort to help Cal get over his wife and start living his life, Jacob opens Cal''s eyes to the many options before him: flirty women, manly drinks and a sense of style that can''t be found at Supercuts or The Gap. Cal and Emily aren''t the only ones looking for love in what might be all the wrong places: Cal''s 13-year-old son, Robbie, is crazy about his 17-year-old babysitter, Jessica, who harbors a crush on Cal. And despite Cal''s makeover and his many new conquests, the one thing that can''t be made over is his heart, which seems to keep leading him back to where he began.
TV-14
1:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Tampa Bay Rays @ New York Yankees
4:00 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
How They Met
As they prepare Ally for a play date, Ray and Debra reminisce about when they first met.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Everybody Loves Raymond (SAP)
Boob Job
Debra is upset when she sees Ray's reaction to a friend's breast implants.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Catch Me If You Can
Based on a true story, Frank W. Abagnale was employed as a doctor, a lawyer, and as a co-pilot for a major airline company-all before reaching his 21st birthday. A successful con artist and master of deception, Frank is also a brilliant forger, whose skill at check fraud has netted him millions of dollars in stolen funds--much to the chagrin of the authorities. FBI Agent Carl Hanratty has made it his prime mission to capture him and bring him to justice, however Frank is always one step ahead of Carl, baiting him to continue the chase.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Now You See Me
When four talented magicians join forces, they mesmerize an international audience with a series of daring heists that has the law scrambling to anticipate their next big crime.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Now You See Me
When four talented magicians join forces, they mesmerize an international audience with a series of daring heists that has the law scrambling to anticipate their next big crime.
TV-14
1:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Catch Me If You Can
Based on a true story, Frank W. Abagnale was employed as a doctor, a lawyer, and as a co-pilot for a major airline company-all before reaching his 21st birthday. A successful con artist and master of deception, Frank is also a brilliant forger, whose skill at check fraud has netted him millions of dollars in stolen funds--much to the chagrin of the authorities. FBI Agent Carl Hanratty has made it his prime mission to capture him and bring him to justice, however Frank is always one step ahead of Carl, baiting him to continue the chase.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2014
Clips include kids saying the funniest things, a dreaming puppy that runs in its sleep and a musical montage of fishing mishaps. This week's video salute is to the Evergreen State, with videos submitted from or taking place in Washington.
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
Dead Men Don't Do Aerobics
When Peggy wins a personalized workout with TV fitness host Jim Jupiter, "the healthiest man in Chicago," he sets out to change her unhealthful lifestyle, but she changes his instead.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Buck Saves the Day
When Al and Steve take Bud and his friends on a camping trip, Kelly sees a friendly poker game with the girls as a chance to earn money for a rock concert.
TV-PG
 

Monday, September 7

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Dirty Talk
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Bros Before Nodes
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Tooth or Consequences
Stricken with a toothache, Al reluctantly visits a dentist for the first time, leaving him in too much pain to enjoy the family meal that Peggy has begrudgingly agreed to prepare.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
He Ain't Much, But He's Mine
When a flashy blond at the beauty parlor brags about her affair with a married man, Peggy worries that Al is picking up more than a spare on his bowling night.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Fair Exchange
The Bundys are elated over the extra income they receive when they house a foreign exchange student, but Kelly gets a run for her money when the student turns out to be a beautiful, sexy French girl.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Desperately Seeking Miss October
Al panics when Peggy sells his beloved collection of Playboy magazines to buy a good luck idol to help her win the lottery.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
976-SHOE
Al tries to cash in on his knowledge of shoe business by starting a shoe hotline.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Oh, What a Feeling
When Al's car bites the dust, he digs up his nest egg and heads for the auto showroom to wheel and deal for the car of his dreams.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Sandwiched Out
The guys' neighborhood restaurant names a new sandwich after Deacon, so Doug determines to get some kind of food named after himself.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Shear Torture
Carrie discovers that Doug's frequent trips to the hair salon are due to his attractive new hairstylist.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Inn Escapable
Doug and Carrie's romantic getaway is a nightmare when the owners of the bed-and-breakfast become too much to take.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fresh Brood
When Doug is not allowed to hold Danny's girlfriend's baby, Doug tries to convince Carrie to have a child so he can get back at Danny.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Sonogram, The
Ross is stunned to learn his ex-wife is pregnant with their child. Monica's dinner for her overly critical parents (ELLIOTT GOULD and CHRISTINA PICKLES) is a disaster.
TV-PG
12:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birth, The
When Carol gives birth, Ross and Susan almost miss the event. Joey befriends an unmarried pregnant woman.
TV-PG
1:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Phoebe's Uterus, The
Phoebe's half-brother makes an astounding announcement and a thought-provoking request. Joey finds himself in a class struggle.
TV-14
1:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Embryos, The
Phoebe finds out whether she is pregnant or not. A simple challenge escalates into a full-blown contest between the guys and the women.
TV-PG
2:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
2:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After "I Do", The
The reception following Monica and Chandler's wedding is almost upstaged by the news that a member of the group might be pregnant.
TV-PG
3:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Birthing Video, The
Monica prepares a memorable St. Valentine's Day for Chandler with sexy lingerie and X-rated entertainment.
TV-PG
3:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Baby Shower, The
During her baby shower, Rachel realizes she is unprepared to be a mother and accepts her mother's (Marlo Thomas) offer to move in to help with the child.
TV-PG
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 1), The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Part 2), The
The friends cause havoc in the maternity ward as Rachel begins childbirth.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Fertility Test, The
Monica and Chandler run into an old acquaintance when they secretly go to a fertility clinic; Ross helps Joey woo the same professor (Aisha Tyler) he wants to date.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
Last One (Part 1), The
The six friends say goodbye and embark on the next chapters of their lives.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot (Part 1), The
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Pilot (Part 2), The
Jerry and George produce their pilot, but George doesn't like the actor playing him; Kramer has a personal problem.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Mango, The
Jerry learns Elaine pretended to enjoy their intimacy; Kramer is banned from a fruit store.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Glasses, The
George buys effeminate glasses; dog-bite victim Elaine thinks she has rabies.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
When You Wish Upon A Weinstein
After a visit from a Jewish man, Peter tries to convert Chris.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
North by North Quahog
During their second honeymoon, Peter and Lois stumble upon a horror too great to bear: Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ 2.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Blonde Ambition
When her efforts to save the planet prove hopeless, Hayley decides that she might get more attention if she becomes a blonde. Meanwhile, Stan and Steve go on a mission to find a new home for the Smiths.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
CIAPOW
When Bullock sends a drone to do the job Stan and his colleagues are supposed to do, Stan is determined to prove that humans are better than robots. Meanwhile, Francine and the rest of the family participate in a slow motion race in the living room.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High
Chris falls for his new substitute teacher (who wants him to kill her husband), while Brian tries to get through to a bunch of school rejects.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Blind Ambition
When Peter becomes jealous of his friends' achievements, he decides to break a Guinness record so that he will be remembered after he dies.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5755
Guests: Elijah Wood, Chris Hardwick.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Promotion, The
Jim discovers just how hard being the boss can be when David Wallace forces Michael and him to determine which employees will be getting a raise.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5755
Guests: Elijah Wood, Chris Hardwick.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Cry to Me
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie
Mamma Mia!
Donna, an independent, single mother who owns a small hotel on an idyllic Greek island, is about to let go of Sophie, the spirited daughter she''s raised alone. For Sophie''s wedding, Donna has invited her two lifelong best girlfriends--practical and no-nonsense Rosie and wealthy, multi-divorcee Tonya--from her one-time backing band, Donna and the Dynamos. But Sophie has secretly invited three guests of her own. On a quest to find the identity of her father to walk her down the aisle, she brings back three men from Donna''s past to the Mediterranean paradise they visited 20 years earlier. Over 24 chaotic, magical hours, new love will bloom and old romances will be rekindled on this lush island full of possibilities.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2015
Six previous winners compete for a $100,000 prize. Clips include "The Waterhorse and the Waterworks," a little boy having an emotional reaction to a movie; "Talking Before Take-off," a little girl's reaction to an amusement park ride; "Barking Through the Blinds," a curious Labrador becoming entangled in some discarded window blinds; "The Great Escape," a daring Chihuahua making an escape from a utility room; "Short Ride, Long Fall," an adult on an out-of-control skateboard; and "Amen's Best Friend," a dog that says grace before a meal.
TV-G
5:00 am
Married With Children
At the Zoo
After couch potato in-training Steve is fired, he plays hooky from his job hunt to go to the zoo, determined to save a sea turtle named Bosco.
TV-PG
5:30 am
Married With Children
Who'll Stop the Rain
A rainstorm brings out the handyman in Al, who doggedly attempts to fix a leaky roof.
TV-PG
 

Tuesday, September 8

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Audrey Is Dumb
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Nature Calls
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (1)
Despite his rare good intentions, Al fails to make it to the bank in time to withdraw his Christmas Club money, and the Bundy family is destined to go presentless, again, unless Al can find a way to make some quick cash. (Part I of II)
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
It's a Bundyful Life (2)
When Al blows his only chance to give the family a merry Christmas, he miserably wishes that he didn't exist until a not-so-angelic angel shows what life without Al - but with Peggy's loving husband Norman - would be like. (Part II)
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Rock and Roll Girl
Sick and tired of being the sole breadwinner, Al challenges the family to find jobs, but is in for a surprise when Kelly's talents land her the lead as "The Girl" in the Guttercats" music video.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Taxing Problem
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (1)
About to be audited by the IRS, Al has to come up with a quick five grand and decides to sell Peggy's hair.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
You Gotta Know When to Fold 'Em (2)
When Peg and Marcy lose everything in Las Vegas, Al attempts to win back their money by going into the ring with a lady wrestler. (Part II)
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
G'Night Stalker
Doug lets the attention go to his head when he starts getting fan mail from someone who saw his performance at a karaoke club.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Move Doubt
Doug and Carrie are confused when Deacon and Kelly are not interested in buying the house next door to theirs.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Gambling N' Diction
Doug tries to capitalize on his mother's poker skills by having her help him win a high-stakes tournament.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Apartment Complex
Doug and the guys secretly rent an apartment above their favorite Chinese restaurant; Carrie goes to extremes to keep her newest client, Kirstie Alley, happy.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hustle 'N Bros
Cleveland is shocked when Freight Train adopts Donna's ex-husband, Robert; Junior and Rallo track down lost dogs and use the reward money to pay a debt they owe Donna.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Family Affair
Roger is on the outs with Stan and the family when they discover he has been seeing other families behind their back. Before they can truly forgive him, Roger must overcome his family infidelity. Meanwhile, Klaus buys everyone tickets to see his favorite band.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Live and Let Fry
Stan turns to smuggling when trans fat is banned from Langley Falls. But when Inspector Turlington of the Langley Falls police becomes suspicious of Stan, Stan recruits Steve into his illegal enterprise. Now Steve must find a way to keep the trans fat flowing while under Turlington's watch. Meanwhile, Roger helps Klaus claim an inheritance.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Roy Rodgers McFreely
After term limits force Stan out of his position as president of the HOA, Roger steps in as the new leader under the guise of one Roy Rogers McFreely. Roger uses his power to pass new resolutions and by-laws solely to anger Stan, who earlier refused to buy Roger grenadine. Stan teams up with Hayley and plots to have Roger removed from office.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Jack's Back
When Stan's con-man dad Jack resurfaces in prison awaiting trial for a crime he did not commit, Steve gets Stan to let Jack stay with them under house arrest. Steve takes the opportunity to reconcile the two, but Stan is convinced that Jack is just using them to escape prison. Meanwhile, Hayley interns at Roger's attic bar.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Family Guy Viewer Mail #1
Peter accidentally gives away all the Christmas presents; Brian burns Lois' dinner.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Menzies
As Jess' job search kicks into high gear, the guys fear her time of the month is also affecting their physical and psychological well-being. Meanwhile, Schmidt begins a "50 Shades of Grey" type of relationship with his corporate boss, and Nick gains wisdom from an unlikely, hands-on (and mute) source.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Parents
Jess invites her divorced Mom and Dad over for Thanksgiving dinner and enlists Nick and Cece to help her with a "Parent Trap" to reunite them. Meanwhile, Schmidt's cousin, Big Schmidt, visits, and Winston manipulates them into an escalating battle to prove their manhood.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Old Yeller Dies, The
Monica's boyfriend impresses Chandler and Joey. Phoebe finds out what she missed as a child.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One After Ross Says Rachel, The
Will Emily forgive Ross before their honeymoon Monica and Chandler agree to end their new relationship.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With All the Kissing, The
Ross' new wife won't speak to him. Rachel appoints Monica her advisor in romance. Phoebe feels neglected.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One-Hundredth, The
While Phoebe delivers triplets, Joey experiences his own pain. Monica plans a date with a male nurse to spite Chandler.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Puffy Shirt, The
Jerry appears on ``Today'' wearing a silly shirt; guests Bryant Gumbel, Jerry Stiller.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Sniffing Accountant, The
Jerry, Kramer and Newman investigate their accountant's unexplained sniffle.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Bris, The
A religious ceremony makes Jerry and Elaine apprehensive about being godparents.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Lip Reader, The
George enlists a lip-reader (Marlee Matlin) to learn why his girlfriend dumped him.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Staircase Implementation, The
A squabble over the thermostat setting leads to Leonard going over to Penny's and recounting for her the story of how he met and moved in with Sheldon.
TV-PG
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Lunar Excitation, The
Howard and Raj try to find the perfect match for Sheldon by setting him up on an Internet dating site. Seeing her moronic new boyfriend interact with the gang makes it abundantly clear to Penny that she can't go back to dating stereotypical dumb jocks after dating Leonard.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Robotic Manipulation, The
In the 4th season opener, Howard uses a robotic arm for his own pleasure; and Sheldon goes on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler---his first date ever---and Penny finds herself accompanying them. (Mayim Bialik guest stars)
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification, The
Sheldon calculates that he'll be dead before technology exists to download his consciousness into a robot, so he goes on a binge of healthy living and ultra-safety.
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zazzy Substitution, The
When Sheldon "breaks up" with Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik), the guys worry when he starts replacing her with cats.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Hot Troll Deviation, The
Wolowitz is embarrassed when a secret of his is revealed; and Sheldon and Raj battle at work.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5756
Guests: The stars of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Niagara Part 1
The Dunder Mifflin staff head to Niagara Falls for Jim and Pam's wedding, with the understanding that her pregnancy is a forbidden discussion topic, but Jim's slip of the tongue prods Michael to attempt damage control.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5756
Guests: The stars of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Walls
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
It's Complicated
Jane is the mother of three grown kids, owns a thriving Santa Barbara bakery/restaurant and has-after a decade of divorce-an amicable relationship with her ex-husband, attorney Jake. But when Jane and Jake find themselves out of town for their son''s college graduation, things start to get complicated. An innocent meal together turns into the unimaginable-an affair. With Jake remarried to the much younger Agness, Jane is now, of all things, the other woman. Caught in the middle of their renewed romance is Adam, an architect hired to remodel Jane''s kitchen. Healing from a divorce of his own, Adam starts to fall for Jane, but soon realizes he''s become part of a love triangle. Should Jane and Jake move on with their lives, or is love truly lovelier the second time around? It''s-complicated.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2016
Videos include a dog that tears apart a kid's Halloween costume (while the kid is still wearing it), a firefighter's prank on a fellow firefighter, a fake rat in the kitchen cabinet, and a woman saying silly things after a trip to the dentist (on laughing gas).
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
What Goes Around Comes Around
Bent on revenge, Bud makes a date with the girl who once stole his clothes and ran his underwear up the flagpole.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, September 9

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Shy Dial
TV-14
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Cheating
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Raingirl
Al's groveling at the shoe store earns him a five-dollar-a-week-raise, but Kelly bursts his bubble when she announces that she'll be bringing home a thousand bucks a week as a cable TV weather girl.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Peggy Turns 300
Al's one chance at glory is to break the alley record at Jim's Bowlarama, but it's threatened by high-scoring Peggy.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Peggy Made a Little Lamb
Peggy is shocked to discover that she never graduated from high school and, needing one additional course to get her diploma, joins Kelly's home economics class.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Agony of Defeet, The
While an ecstatic Al prepares to judge a beauty contest, Marcy awakens on the Bundy couch next to a lipstick-smeared Bud and fears the worst.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Yard Sale
When Al discovers Peggy's passion for yard sales has gotten out of hand, he decides that the Bundys should hold one of their own.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Al ... with Kelly
After faking colds to get out of visiting Peggy's mother, Al and Kelly rejoice at their week of freedom, but when Kelly really gets sick, Al is forced to play nursemaid.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Raygin Bulls
When Carrie goes on a trip with her father, Doug and his friend (Ray Romano) plan a guys night on the town.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Knee Jerk
Doug fakes being injured so that Carrie, who feels responsible, will continue to tend to his every need and allow him to miss a dreaded wedding.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Baker's Doesn't
Doug needles Carrie when she is not as quick as he is to fulfill a promise to help out at church.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Present Tense
When the Heffernans receive an oil painting of themselves as an anniversary gift from Deacon and Kelly, they dislike the picture so much that they decide to stage a robbery rather than hang the painting in their home.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Wide World Of The Cleveland Show, The
As Cleveland and his family travel the world...in Italy, Cleveland must choose between Junior and Rallo to run "the family business;" in Mexico, Junior insists on having a Quinceanera, even though it's for girls; in Japan, Cleveland builds a robot to attend Junior's eating competition.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Bar Mitzvah Shuffle
When snobby rich kid Etan steals Steve's girlfriend Debbie, Steve concocts a scheme to get revenge. Aided by Roger, Toshi, and Barry, Steve plots to rob Etan's Bar Mitzvah and get back his girlfriend. But when the plan goes awry and Snot takes the blame, Steve must decide whether to tell the truth and clear Snot's name or remain silent and get back Debbie. Meanwhile, Stan and Francine pitch an idea to a cell phone company.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Wife Insurance
Stan reveals to Francine that, in the case she should die, he has a backup wife. Enraged with Stan, Francine takes Jim, one of Stan's CIA buddies, as her backup husband. Jealous, Stan breaks it off with his backup and tells Jim to break it off with Francine. However, Jim confesses that he is in love with Francine and attempts to kill Stan. Now Stan must stop Jim from killing him and taking Francine. Meanwhile Wheels and the Legman (Steve and Roger's detective personae) are on the case trying to find Hayley's lost iPod Shuffle.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
DeLorean Story-An
Frustrated with their lack of common interests, Steve and Stan attempt to bond while on a cross-country trip to find a door for Stan's nearly complete DeLorean. Meanwhile, Roger, Francine, and Hayley brainstorm ideas for an adventure to have while Stan and Steve are gone.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Every Which Way But Lose
Stan volunteers to coach Steve's junior football team and cuts Steve when he sees how terrible Steve is. Furious with his father, Steve enlists Roger to coach a new football team in an attempt to beat Stan's team and make Stan cry. When Steve and Roger succeed, Stan goes home not to cry, but to kill himself. Now Steve must teach Stan how to lose without wanting to kill himself. Meanwhile, Francine and Hayley compete in a pie baking contest.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Don't Make Me Over
A mall makeover launches Meg into super-stardom, culminating in an appearance on Saturday Night Live.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Eggs
When Jess learns that a friend is pregnant, both she and Cece panic that time is running out for them to have children. Meanwhile, Schmidt seeks advice on how to please Emma, and Nick and Winston visit the zoo to find inspiration for Nick's zombie-themed novel.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Bathtub
Tired of taking showers, Jess and Winston scheme to get a bathtub installed in the loft. Then at the bar, Nick meets a tough and beautiful customer with boyfriend troubles. Meanwhile, Schmidt is torn between his boss and trying to win back Cece.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Hates PBS, The
Joey challenges Phoebe to perform a completely selfless act. Monica gets upset when Chandler gloats about sex. Ross might finally reconcile with Emily -- but he must make a tough decision.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Kips, The
Ross tells Rachel that he cannot be around her once Emily comes to New York. Chandler and Monica try to have a romantic weekend.
TV-14
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Yeti, The
Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends Monica and Rachel meet a monster.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Moves In, The
Joey and Chandler regret letting Ross move in with them. Rachel schemes to get her new neighbor to ask her on a date.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Barber, The
Jerry doesn't have the nerve to dump his regular barber.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Non-Fat Yogurt, The
Jerry and Elaine suspect Kramer's yogurt shop is causing their weight gain.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Masseuse, The
Jerry can't get his masseuse girlfriend to give him a massage.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cigar Store Indian, The
Jerry's gift to Elaine offends Elaine's friend; guest Al Roker.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Desperation Emanation, The
Sheldon meets Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, and comes to the realization that he no longer wants to see Amy; and Leonard realizes that everyone is in a relationship except for him.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Irish Pub Formulation, The
When Raj's sister has a one-day layover he forbids the others from hooking up with her, unaware she and Leonard already did long ago.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Apology Insufficiency, The
The rest of the gang is interviewed by the FBI for Wolowitz's security clearance, with Sheldon accidentally letting slip some damaging information. (Eliza Dushku guest stars)
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
21-Second Excitation, The
The guys camp out in line to see a print of Raiders of the Lost Ark with :21 extra seconds and are outraged to see Wil Wheaton and his friends being allowed to skip the line. Penny and Bernadette invite Amy to their girls night.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Boyfriend Complexity, The
Penny asks Leonard to lie to her visiting father (Keith Carradine), while Howard, Raj & Bernadette spend all night looking through a telescope.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Alien Parasite Hypothesis, The
Amy crushes on one of Penny's dim ex-boyfriends, Zack. Raj and Wolowitz argue over who'd be the better superhero.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5757
Guests: The stars of Game of Thrones, The stars of The Walking Dead.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Niagara Part 2
The Dunder Mifflin staff head to Niagara Falls for Jim and Pam's wedding, with the understanding that her pregnancy is a forbidden discussion topic, but Jim's slip of the tongue prods Michael to attempt damage control.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5757
Guests: The stars of Game of Thrones, The stars of The Walking Dead.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Baby's a Rock 'N' Roller
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Going the Distance
Erin''s wry wit and unfiltered frankness charms newly single Garrett over beer, bar trivia and breakfast the next morning. Their chemistry sparks a full-fledged summer fling, but neither expects it to last once Erin heads home to San Francisco and Garrett stays behind for his job in New York City. But when six weeks of romping through the city inadvertently become meaningful, neither is sure they want it to end. And while Garrett''s friends, Box and Dan, joke about his pre-flight calorie-cutting and his full-time relationship with his cell phone, they don''t like losing their best drinking buddy to yet another rocky romance. At the same time, Erin''s high-strung, overprotective married sister, Corrine, wants to keep Erin from heading down an all-too-familiar road. But despite the opposite coasts, the nay-saying friends and family, and a few unexpected temptations, the couple just might have found something like love, and with the help of a lot of texting, sexting and late-night phone calls, they might actually go the distance.
TV-14
4:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2017
Videos include practical jokes -- including a man scared by a fake bug running across the kitchen -- a video package of dogs that make unusual noises, skydiving mishaps, a woman calling the police to get rid of a big spider and a grandma who's a real pinball wizard.
TV-G
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2018
Clips include people getting excited over fake lotto tickets, plus pet pranks -- including two dogs who are threatened by a photo of a cat, a man who has trained his dog to fetch him a beer from the fridge, and kids who chase and terrify their dad with a dead bat.
TV-G
 

Thursday, September 10

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Chair, The
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Scavenger Hunt
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
We'll Follow the Sun
Al's plans for a family road trip come to a screeching halt when the Bundys get caught in Labor Day traffic.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Sue Casa, His Casa
No sooner than Al cancels his auto insurance, the kids get into an accident and Al decides to sue, so the Bundys put on their neck braces and "tell it to the judge."
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Unnatural, The
Al's pride is on the line when his softball team threatens to bench him right before the league championship.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Dance Show, The
When an attention-starved Peg meets a charming married man, Andy, Al's in for a surprise when Andy's jealous "husband" shows up on Al's doorstep.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Bounces Back
When Al insists that Kelly get a job, she enrolls in modeling school - at Al's expense - and sets her sights on becoming a car showroom model.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Aliens
When Al is visited by mysterious green creatures who creep into his bedroom and take his dirty socks, he's subjected to ridicule by his disbelieving family, but still determined to get proof of his "close encounter."
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Buggie Nights
When Arthur brings back bug-infested hotel sheets from his vacation in Florida, the creatures take over the house and force Doug and Carrie to move out.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Sold-y Locks
Doug convinces Carrie to sell her hair so they can afford a cruise, but finds he does not like her new, shorter style.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Emotional Rollrcoaster
Doug tells Carrie that, as part of the IPS management program, he needs to conquer a local roller coaster he's been yearning to ride.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Four Play
Doug realizes he has more in common with Deacon's wife than with Deacon, so he starts spending time with her.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Here Comes The Bribe
A marriage counselor tells Cleveland he can skew counseling sessions with Donna in his favor, provided he receives compensation; Junior's favorite refrigerator breaks.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Weiner of Our Discontent
For over seventy years Roger has been acting like he's the most important person on the planet, and Stan is sick of it! Stan considers Roger to be a worthless, lazy, lying, cheating, alcoholic slob.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Daddy Queerest
Stan is once again humiliated by the way Francine behaves in social situations, so he pushes her in the pool at a party.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Stan's Night Out
Stan feels left out when he discovers that a few of the guys from work have been hitting the town while he sits at home with Francine eating dinner on a TV tray and watching gardening shows.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
In Country...Club
When Steve is selected to sing the national anthem at the Langley Falls Veterans' Day celebration, he gets some heat from Stan who doesn't think he's ready for such an undertaking. Unimpressed with Steve's vocal talents, Stan decides Steve needs to experience real war in order to sing about our country's military prowess. But things quickly go south when Roger gets involved and Steve goes bananas.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire, The
The neighborhood is rocked with scandal when Loretta has an affair...with Quagmire!
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Santa
When the gang attempts to juggle multiple holiday parties in one night, Jess tries to avoid a remorseful Sam, Nick tries to keep up with a sexually adventurous Angie and Winston panics when he gets a cranberry stuck in his ear.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Cabin
Jess invites Nick and Angie to spend a couples' weekend with her and Sam. Once there, however, she quickly discovers that two's company and four's a crowd. Meanwhile, Winston tries to teach Schmidt about race relations.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Sandwich, The
Joey becomes exasperated from hiding Chandler and Monica's secret. Ross gets in trouble when he expresses his rage.
TV-14
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Chandler's Work Laugh, The
Chandler's behavior toward his boss annoys Monica. Ross' latest romance astounds everyone.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Bag, The
Phoebe meets another long-lost relative. Joey wears a shoulder bag. Series star LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Everybody Finds Out, The
Chandler and Monica's relationship becomes less of a secret. Ross must prove to his boss that he's sane in order to return to work.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Conversion, The
Jerry thinks his girlfriend has a fungus; George converts.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stall, The
Elaine's toilet stall has no tissue; George acts giddy around Elaine's boyfriend (Dan Cortese); guest Jami Gertz.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Marine Biologist, The
George poses as a marine biologist; guest Carol Kane.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Dinner Party, The
The gang shops for last-minute gifts for a dinner party.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian the Bachelor
Brian and Quagmire vie for the same woman's affections when they are cast on "The Bachelorette".
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter
When Peter runs up a tab at the local pharmacy, the only way out of paying the bill is to sell Meg to the owner's son, Neil, who has been stalking her for months.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Breaking Out Is Hard To Do
When Lois steals from the grocery store, she becomes addicted to the adrenaline rush and goes on a thieving spree that lands her in jail.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Justice League Recombination, The
The guys get Zack and Penny to join their Justice League costume for a New Year's Eve bash at the comic book store.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Bus Pants Utilization, The
Their friendship becomes strained when Sheldon tries to take over Leonard's creation of a smartphone application that solves differential equations.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Love Car Displacement, The
Howard is jealous when Bernadette runs into her old boyfriend (Rick Fox) at a science event they're attending.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5758
Guests: Special surprise film; cast to be revealed in San Diego during Comic-Con.
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Mafia
Michael meets with an insurance salesman who visits the office and is later convinced by Dwight and Andy that he is part of the mafia. Erin accidentally ruins Pam's painting.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5758
Guests: Special surprise film; cast to be revealed in San Diego during Comic-Con.
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
You're Gonna Get It
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Definitely, Maybe
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will''s story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the ''ins'' and ''outs'' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will''s college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad''s romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that it''s definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2019
Videos include a package of Easter mishaps, including an elk that finds Easter eggs kids didn't. This week's video salute is to the Garden State, with videos submitted from or taking place in New Jersey.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Wabbit Season
A stressed-out Al takes up gardening for relaxation but ends up battling a pesky rabbit.
TV-PG
 

Friday, September 11

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Big Bust, A
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
After the Lovin'
TV-14
7:00 am
Married With Children
Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Peggy becomes worried when the neighborhood women suddenly find Al irresistible.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
One Down, Two to Go
Peggy goes off the deep end when Kelly decides to leave the nest and get an apartment of her own.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
And Baby Makes Money
Al discovers new-found passion when he learns that he and Peggy stand to inherit a fortune by producing another Bundy baby.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Married ... with Who
When Marcy wakes up to discover a man in her bed and a wedding ring on her finger, she gives Peggy and Al the cash to throw her a lavish wedding, but giving Marcy the party of her dreams is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Look Who's Barking
Buck the Dog, fed up with being neglected by the Bundys, decides to leave home and venture out into the world, where he meets a canine femme fatale.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Godfather, The
Al entertains notions of greatness when he discovers that Kelly's new boyfriend is an influential city politician.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Married With Children
Man's Castle, A
When Peg enrolls in an interior design course, she chooses the Bundy home as her first project, but Al's in an uproar when she sets her sights on his sacred domain...the bathroom.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Hartford Whaler
Doug tries to be romantic by making an unexpected appearance at Carrie's company retreat; Danny and Spence sneak into a Huey Lewis concert.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Acting Out
Carrie considers moving Arthur into a retirement home after he sets the basement on fire.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Fight Schlub
Doug plots revenge after learning that his friendship with a driver from a rival service was nothing more than a con.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
When a Man (Or a Freight Train) Loves His Cookie
When Freight Train misses their anniversary, Cookie runs off with musician George Clinton; Junior's visit to an office supply store triggers an elaborate fantasy.
TV-14
12:30 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Pins, Spins and Fins
Rallo thinks he's a stud bowler when he keeps scoring strikes by using the gutter rails. But when his prowess goes to his head, Donna reveals to him the hard truth: little kids mostly suck at everything. Meanwhile, Cleveland, Lester, Holt and Terry decide that their friendship has become too predictable, and attempt to spice things up by taking a road trip to an abandoned amusement park.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Moon Over Isla Island
Stan convinces the dictator of Isla Island to sign a treaty to get a promotion at work. Meanwhile, Steve and Snot get competitive to see who can get farther with the other's mom.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Home Adrone
When Steve gets the chance to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at a Veterans' Day event, Stan takes it upon himself to be Steve's vocal coach. Dissatisfied with Steve's progress, Stan signs Steve up for a Vietnam reenactment in the hopes that a little battle experience will help Steve to truly understand the national anthem. But the pressure of mock war, along with Stan's coaching, gets to Steve causing him to become a relentless reenacting machine. Meanwhile, Roger prepares to watch a pay-per-view Barbra Streisand concert.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Brains, Brains, and Automobiles
When Hayley and Steve leave for their respective summers of fun, Francine looks forward to her newfound alone time with Stan.
TV-14
2:30 pm
American Dad
Man in the Moonbounce
Stan vows to live out all the teenage pranks he missed with Steve and his friends. But when they are caught, he winds up going to prison.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Father's Love, A
When Nick's con-man father suddenly reappears, Jess tries her best to fix the two men's relationship, despite Nick's fears that he's being used in another one of his dad's gambling schemes. Meanwhile, Schmidt teams up with Robby to try to win back Cece.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Pepperwood
When Nick is convinced that one of Jess' students is hiding a nefarious secret, he goes undercover in her adult night school class. Meanwhile, Winston has an embarrassing encounter with Cece, causing an examination of all the loft-mate's peculiarities.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Girl Who Hits Joey, The
Chandler thinks Monica wants more from their relationship. Ross fails to impress his new neighbors.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Cop, The
Joey wonders if he is in love with Monica. Phoebe impersonates a police officer.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss, The
Rachel interviews for a great job--but she may get it for the wrong reason. Monica competes to have a better relationship than Phoebe's.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Rachel Smokes, The
Rachel submits to peer pressure at work. Joey and Ross' son audition for the same commercial -- but only one can get the part.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pie, The
A date's refusal to eat pie obsesses Jerry; a mannequin resembles Elaine; guest Lane Davies.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Stand-In, The
Kramer is a stand-in on a soap opera; George wants to break up with a girlfriend.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Wife, The
A girlfriend (Courteney Cox) poses as Jerry's wife so he can get a dry-cleaning discount.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Fire, The
A kitchen fire makes George confront his cowardliness; guests Melanie Chartoff, Dom Irrera.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Model Misbehavior
Lois fulfills a lifelong dream of being a model.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Peter's Got Woods
Brian's new relationship with Meg's teacher puts a strain on his friendship with Peter, so Peter finds a new friend, James Woods.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
12:45 am
Movie
Sleepless in Seattle
A motherless boy uses a radio talk show to find a new wife for his father.
TV-PG
3:00 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2020
Videos include an incredibly brave dog chasing a mountain lion up a tree. Also: A musical montage of cats and dogs sparring; video of a snoring bulldog who wakes up at the smell of sausage, and a woman's impromptu dancing at a restaurant lands her on her butt.
TV-G
 

Saturday, September 12

6:00 am
Married With Children
All Night Security Dude
When the shoe store temporarily gives Al the boot, he takes a job as Polk High's night security guard, but when his prized football trophy is stolen, he comes face to face with his high school rival, Spare Tire Dixon, who wants to even the score.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Peg and Al must decided whether to give their last hundred dollars to Bud, who's been selected a top teen and invited to go to the White House and meet the President, or to Kelly, who has a chance to become "Miss Weenie Tot" -- and win a year's supply of Al's favorite treat.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Raincoats (Part 1), The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Raincoats (Part 2), The
Kramer's scheme to sell vintage raincoats backfires; George sells his dad's clothes; guest Judge Reinhold.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Movie
Just Like Heaven
When David sublets his quaint San Francisco apartment, the last thing he expects--or wants--is a roommate. He begins to make a complete mess of the place when a pretty young woman, named Elizabeth, suddenly shows up, adamantly insisting the apartment is hers. David assumes that there''s been a giant misunderstanding, until Elizabeth disappears just as mysteriously as she had appeared. Changing the locks does nothing to deter Elizabeth, who begins to appear and disappear at will--mostly to rebuke David for his personal living habits in her apartment. Convinced that she is a ghost, David tries to help Elizabeth cross over to the "other side." But while Elizabeth has discovered she does have a distinctly ethereal quality--she can walk through walls--she is equally convinced that she is somehow still alive and isn''t crossing over anywhere. As Elizabeth and David search for the truth about who Elizabeth is and how she came to be in her present state, their relationship deepens into love. Unfortunately, they have very little time before their prospects for a future together permanently fade away.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Movie
Sleepless in Seattle
A motherless boy uses a radio talk show to find a new wife for his father.
TV-PG
12:15 pm
Movie
House Bunny, The
Shelley Darlington, a Playboy Bunny, is living a carefree life until a rival gets her tossed out of the Playboy Mansion. With nowhere to go, fate delivers her to the sorority girls from Zeta Alpha Zeta. Unless they can sign a new pledge class, the seven socially clueless women will lose their house to the scheming girls of Phi Iota Mu. In order to accomplish their goal, they need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have--a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.
TV-14
2:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Celebrity photographer Connor Mead loves freedom, fun and women - in that order. A committed bachelor with a no-strings policy, he thinks nothing of breaking up with multiple women on a conference call while prepping his next date. Connor''s brother Paul is more the romantic type. In fact, he''s about to be married. Unfortunately, on the eve of the big event, Connor''s mockery of romance proves a real buzz-kill for Paul, the wedding party and a houseful of well wishers - including Connor''s childhood friend Jenny, the one woman in his life who has always seemed immune to his considerable charm. Just when it looks like Connor may single-handedly ruin the wedding, he gets a wake-up call from the ghost of his late Uncle Wayne, the hard-partying, legendary ladies man upon whose exploits Connor has modeled his lifestyle. Uncle Wayne has an urgent message for his protege, which he delivers through the ghosts of Connor''s jilted girlfriends - past, present and future - who take him on a revealing and hilarious odyssey through a lifetime of failed relationships. Together, they will discover what turned Connor into such a shameless player and whether he has a second chance to find - and this time, keep - the love of his life.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Can't Flirt, The
Ross' flirting technique fails to impress a cute pizza-delivery woman. A surprise awaits Joey when he tells everyone about his big television appearance.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ride Along, The
The guys enjoy riding along with a police officer -- until a gunshot is heard. Rachel overhears a telephone message for Ross from his second ex-wife.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Ball, The
Phoebe's boyfriend wants her to move in with him. Ross and Joey involve Chandler and Monica in an obsessive game.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Big Break, The
Joey's first major film role leads to an unexpected experience in Las Vegas. Phoebe can't remember why she hates Ross.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Opposite, The
George learns success lies in doing the opposite of what he would normally do; guests Dedee Pfeiffer, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford; French Stewart.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Hamptons, The
Jerry's girlfriend sees George naked during a weekend at the beach.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Engagement, The
In an effort to grow up, George proposes marriage to former girlfriend Susan.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Postponement, The
Feeling overwhelmed, George wants to postpone marrying Susan.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Thespian Catalyst, The
Sheldon wants acting lessons from Penny, hoping they will make him a better teacher.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Benefactor Factor, The
After meeting at a fundraising gala, an aged, but wealthy, Caltech donor (Jessica Walter) makes Leonard ponder if he's willing to have sex with her to secure another donation.
TV-14
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Cohabitation Formulation, The
Howard contemplates a serious decision in his relationship with Bernadette; and Leonard and Raj's sister start seeing each other again.
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Toast Derivation, The
Sheldon is in a crisis when he realizes he's not the epicenter of the group, so he decides to find new friends.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Prestidigitation Approximation, The
Leonard has a tough choice to make when Priya asks him to stop spending time with Penny, forcing him to choose between the two women; and Howard keeps pestering Sheldon with a magic trick.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Zarnecki Incursion, The
The guys become sleuths to find out who hacked Sheldon's online-game account.
TV-14
11:00 pm
America's Next Weatherman
Snownado!
The Weathercasters must fight through a "Snownado" and then perform a weather rap for the legendary Warren G.
TV-14
12:00 am
America's Next Weatherman
Snownado!
The Weathercasters must fight through a "Snownado" and then perform a weather rap for the legendary Warren G.
TV-14
1:00 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Lonesome Sundown
TV-PG
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Damaged By Love
TV-PG
2:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2021
On the final $100,000 award show of the season, video contenders include "Darth Dader," two kids staging a battle scene from their favorite movie series; "Dog Sniff Snub," puppy love with two Shiitsus; "Woozy Woman," a woman under the influence after having four wisdom teeth removed; "Speechless Sweet Tooth," a little kid with a cute plea for candy at a Sunday service; and "Boogie Baby," in which a baby mimics a dancing doll.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
Oldies but Young 'Uns
Al struggles to remember a favorite song from his past and enlists the help of an "oldies expert," his pal Charlie Verducci; meanwhile, Charlie's son, Vinnie, falls for Kelly but, under Al's watchful eye, is unable to do anything about it.
TV-PG
 

Sunday, September 13

6:00 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around (1)
In the first of a two-part episode, after Al buys a shoddy air conditioner and causes a neighborhood blackout, the Bundys seek refuge from the heat and their infuriated neighbors by taking up residence in their local supermarket.
TV-PG
6:30 am
Married With Children
You Better Shop Around (2)
When the Bundys are evicted from the supermarket where they've taken up temporary residence, Al inadvertently becomes their one millionth customer; but Marcy claims otherwise.
TV-PG
7:00 am
Seinfeld
Maestro, The
Elaine's boyfriend's comments on villas in Tuscany stirs Jerry's curiosity.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Seinfeld
Wink, The
An uncontrollable wink creates problems for George and Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Seinfeld
Hot Tub, The
Elaine's house guest arrives for the city's marathon; Kramer gets a hot tub.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 1), The
The gang travels to Las Vegas, Nevada, where more than one surprise awaits. After Ross misinterprets Rachel's actions, a war of public humiliation results.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One in Vegas (Part 2), The
Monica and Chandler get lucky in Las Vegas, Nevada. Rachel makes Ross regret playing a prank on her. Joey schemes for fame and fortune.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Friends (SAP)
One After Vegas, The
Two of the friends leave Las Vegas married. Joey and Phoebe have a cross-country adventure.
TV-PG
10:00 am
Friends (SAP)
One Where Ross Hugs Rachel, The
Monica is bewildered by Rachel's reaction to a change in their living arrangement. Phoebe tries to make Ross confront his feelings for Rachel.
TV-PG
10:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Life As We Know It
Holly Berenson is an up-and-coming caterer and Eric Messer is a promising network sports director. After a disastrous first date, the only thing they have in common is their dislike for each other and their love for their goddaughter, Sophie. But when they suddenly become all Sophie has in the world, Holly and Eric are forced to put their differences aside. Juggling career ambitions and competing social calendars, they''ll have to find some common ground while living under one roof.
TV-14
1:00 pm
MLB on tbs (CC)
Toronto Blue Jays @ New York Yankees
4:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Due Date
Peter Highman is an expectant first-time father whose wife''s due date is a mere five days away. As Peter hurries to catch a flight home from Atlanta to be at her side for the birth, his best intentions go completely awry when a chance encounter with aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay forces Peter to hitch a ride with Ethan--on what turns out to be a cross-country road trip that will ultimately destroy several cars, numerous friendships and Peter''s last nerve.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Change-Up, The
Growing up together, Mitch and Dave were inseparable best friends, but as the years have passed they''ve slowly drifted apart. While Dave is an overworked lawyer, husband and father of three, Mitch has remained a single, quasi-employed man-child who has never met a responsibility he liked. To Mitch, Dave has it all: beautiful wife Jamie, kids who adore him and a high-paying job at a prestigious law firm. To Dave, living Mitch''s stress free life without obligation or consequence would be a dream come true. Following a drunken night out together, Mitch and Dave''s worlds are turned upside down when they wake up in each other''s bodies and proceed to freak out. Despite the freedom from their normal routines and habits, the guys soon discover that each other''s lives are nowhere near as rosy as they once seemed. Further complicating matters are Dave''s sexy legal associate, Sabrina, and Mitch''s estranged father. With time not on their side, Mitch and Dave struggle to avoid completely destroying each other''s lives before they can find a way to get their old ones back.
TV-14
8:00 pm
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby''s father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid''s mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you''ve just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they''re not the soul mates they''d hoped they might be. With Alison''s harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they''ve got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Movie (DVS)
Killers
Trying to recover from a sudden break-up, Jen Kornfeldt believes she''ll never fall in love again. But when she reluctantly joins her parents on a trip to the French Riviera, Jen happens to meet the man of her dreams, the dashing, handsome Spencer Aimes. Three years later, her seemingly impossible wish has come true: she and Spencer are newlyweds living the ideal suburban life - that is, until the morning after Spencer''s 30th birthday when bullets start flying. Literally. It turns out Spencer never bothered to tell Jen he''s also an international super-spy, and now Jen''s perfect world has been turned upside down. Faced with the fact that her husband is a hit man, Jen is determined to discover what other secrets Spencer might be keeping - all the while trying to dodge bullets, keep up neighborly appearances, manage the in-laws and work out some major trust issues. And you thought suburban life was easy.
TV-14
12:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Knocked Up
Alison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby''s father, Alison decides to give the lovable doof a chance. An overgrown kid who has no desire to settle down, Ben learns that he has a big decision to make with his kid''s mom-to-be: will he hit the road or stay in the picture! Courting a woman you''ve just knocked up, however, proves to be a little difficult when the two try their hands at dating. As they discover more about one another, it becomes painfully obvious that they''re not the soul mates they''d hoped they might be. With Alison''s harried sister Debbie and hen-pecked brother-in-law Pete the only parenting role models the young lovers have, things get even more confusing. Should they raise the baby together? What makes a happy lifetime partnership after all? A couple of drinks and a wild night later, they''ve got nine confusing months to figure it out.
TV-14
3:00 am
Movie (DVS)
Change-Up, The
Growing up together, Mitch and Dave were inseparable best friends, but as the years have passed they''ve slowly drifted apart. While Dave is an overworked lawyer, husband and father of three, Mitch has remained a single, quasi-employed man-child who has never met a responsibility he liked. To Mitch, Dave has it all: beautiful wife Jamie, kids who adore him and a high-paying job at a prestigious law firm. To Dave, living Mitch''s stress free life without obligation or consequence would be a dream come true. Following a drunken night out together, Mitch and Dave''s worlds are turned upside down when they wake up in each other''s bodies and proceed to freak out. Despite the freedom from their normal routines and habits, the guys soon discover that each other''s lives are nowhere near as rosy as they once seemed. Further complicating matters are Dave''s sexy legal associate, Sabrina, and Mitch''s estranged father. With time not on their side, Mitch and Dave struggle to avoid completely destroying each other''s lives before they can find a way to get their old ones back.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2022
This season's three $100,000 prize winners compete for the Grand Prize, on "America's Funniest Home Videos," SUNDAY, AUGUST 29 (7:00-8:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. The final three videos are "Laser Chasers," featuring a Great Dane and a toddler who are equally obsessed with a laser pointer; "Boogie Baby," with a baby rocking out with a musical doll; and "The Great Escape," in which Junior the Chihuahua leads an escape from the utility room.
TV-G
 

Monday, September 14

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Missed Connections
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Five Things, The
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kids! Wadaya Gonna Do?
Needing cold cash for some hot prospects, Bud and Kelly are forced to find creative ways to earn money; meanwhile, Peg hoping for a hot night on the town, settles for an evening of videos with Al and the D'Arcys instead.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Route 666 (1)
When Al takes the family on a road trip to a shoe convention in California, the Bundys discover a golden opportunity when their car breaks down in the middle of a ghost town.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Route 666 (2)
The California Coast will have to wait when, stranded in a ghost town, the Bundys and the D'Arcys catch "gold fever" and become wary mining partners.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Buck the Stud
Buck the Dog has romantic designs on every bitch in the neighborhood, but dashes Peg & Al's hopes of becoming wealthy breeders when he refuses to court a pampered pedigree.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Top of the Heap
Al loses his television set on a neighborhood boxing bet; even so, he, along with the boxer's dad, advise defeated fighter Vinnie to marry rich and forget about a career.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby (1)
In the season premiere, Marcy excitedly announces that she's pregnant, but Al's glee at Jefferson's misfortune turns to horror when Peg breaks the news that she, too, has a little Bundy in the oven.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Major Disturbance
The Palmers' vacation plans are ruined when Doug frightens Major so much that he refuses to be babysat by the Heffernans. In the meantime, Arthur begins hiring out himself and friends from the senior center to ride with solo drivers so they can use car-pool lanes.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Brace Yourself
An unflattering picture by Major prompts Arthur to ask Doug and Carrie for braces. Meanwhile, Kelly hires an out-of-work Spence to help out around the house.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Moxie Moron
Doug and Deacon fill in for Supervisor O'Boyle at the IPS depot. Carrie regrets her decision to complain about her company's chinzy gift for work on an important project.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Ruff Goin'
Feeling hurt over not being invited to a block party, Doug adopts a dog just to prove to the neighbors that he's an okay guy - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Arthur falls prey to the gambling bug when trying to help Danny beat it.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Brownsized
Cleveland accepts Mr. Waterman's offer to quit his job and receive six months severance pay. There's only one catch: figuring out a way to tell Donna. Rallo finds a new beau for Robert after Federline forgets about their anniversary.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Shallow Vows
Upset that Francine has let herself go, Stan takes drastic measures when she asks him to renew their wedding vows.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
My Morning Straitjacket
After attending a concert with Hayley, Stan becomes obsessed with her music.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
G-String Circus
When Hayley rejects Stan's advice, he decides to start a dry-cleaning business run by a bunch of strippers. But when the business fails miserably, he is forced to become a male stripper to make some extra money.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Rapture's Delight
The Rapture happens on Christmas Eve, and Stan is left behind.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Petarded
After winning at Trivial Pursuit, Peter claims to be a genius, so Brian asks him to take an IQ test to prove it.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Cooler
Nick and Schmidt go out on a bro's night but quickly become infatuated with and highly competitive over a beautiful woman attracted to sadness. Meanwhile, Winston falls for a girl with absolutely no interest in him, which only makes him more attracted to her. Then, Jess' decision to have a night alone in the loft doesn't go as planned and involves another round of the drinking game "True American," and a surprising development in her relationship with one of the loft mates.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Table 34
The gang attends a dating convention, where Cece hopes to find a prospective husband even as Schmidt hopes to win her back. Meanwhile, Winston's mojo returns, and Jess and Nick get put in a compromising position in front of Dr. Sam.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross' Denial, The
Despite Phoebe's admonitions, Ross makes a drastic decision about Rachel. Chandler and Monica bicker over their living arrangements.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Joey Loses His Insurance, The
Injured Joey must get an acting part in order to qualify for health insurance. Rachel finally learns the truth about her marriage to Ross.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Joey's Porsche, The
Rachel forces Ross to terminate their marriage. Phoebe's first triplet baby-sitting experience proves stressful. Joey pretends to own a sports car.
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One on the Last Night, The
The guys and the women prepare for big changes in their living arrangements.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Soup Nazi, The
Jerry's favorite soup vendor won't serve his new girlfriend (Alexandra Wentworth).
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Secret Code, The
George conceals his ATM code from fiancee Susan; guest John O'Hurley.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Pool Guy, The
The pool man at Jerry's health club wants to be his best friend.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Sponge, The
Elaine considers intimacy with her new boyfriend (Scott Patterson).
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Jungle Love
Chris runs away to South America to avoid being hazed as part of a high-school ritual.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
PTV
Peter broadcasts a television station out of the Griffin home.
TV-14
9:00 pm
American Dad
Scents and Sensei-bility
Steve and Snot are fed up with being bullied. When they enroll in a karate class, Snot is brainwashed by the sensei and it's Steve's mission to get him back. Meanwhile, Klaus develops a horrible odor and is forced to be an outside pet.
TV-14
9:30 pm
American Dad
Big Stan on Campus
When the CIA is forced to make cutbacks and go on furlough, Stan volunteers to take a position as a College Campus Security Guard. Meanwhile, Roger opens a bed and breakfast in order to boost the family's income.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Brian Goes Back to College
After writing a story for a local magazine, Brian gets a job at The New Yorker.
TV-14
10:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Courtship of Stewie's Father, The
Stewie steps up his efforts to kill Lois, who orders Peter to spend more time with him.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5779
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Lover, The
Jim and Pam return from their honeymoon and learn, to their dismay, that Michael is dating Pam's mom. Meanwhile, Dwight gives Jim a "gift"--that has a listening device attached to it.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5779
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Free Fallin'
TV-PG
2:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Koi Pond
Michael is upset when he becomes the butt of all the office jokes after he falls in a koi pond. Andy and Pam go out together on some cold calls, and everybody mistakes them as a married couple.
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie
Unknown
Dr. Martin Harris awakens after a car accident in Berlin to discover that his wife suddenly doesn't recognize him and another man has assumed his identity. Ignored by disbelieving authorities and hunted by mysterious assassins, he finds himself alone, tired and on the run. Aided by an unlikely ally, Martin plunges headlong into a deadly mystery that will force him to question his sanity, his identity, and just how far he's willing to go to uncover the truth.
TV-14
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2023
Part one of a two-part "America's Funniest Home Videos" series -- "the 20 videos that changed the world!" - features the funniest and most unique videos the show has received in its two decades on television.
TV-G
 

Tuesday, September 15

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Meat Wars
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Goodbye Dolly
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
She's Having My Baby (2)
While mothers-to-be Peg and Marcy keep everyone hopping with their demands, Al, unable to face another 20 years of parenting, decides to make a run for it.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
If Al Had a Hammer
Al, seeking refuge from all forms of women - pregnant or otherwise - decides to build a clubhouse where he can get away from it all, but it's soon overrun by other desperate fathers-to- be.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Cheese, Cues and Blood
Lusting for a thousand dollar dress to wear to the "Miss Cheese" competition, Kelly decides to earn the money the old-fashioned way - by hustling pool.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
Looking for a Desk in All the Wrong Places
While Peggy and Marcy comb the city for Marcy's old baby furniture after Jefferson sells it to pocket the cash, the guys conduct a search of their own for the perfect maid - although cleanliness is the last thing on their minds.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
Buck Has a Belly Ache
When Al and the kids are preoccupied with a seemingly-sick Buck, Peg, feeling neglected, returns home to her "kin" in Wanker County for a little TLC.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
If I Could See Me Now
After nearly driving off a bridge, Al lets the kids convince him to get eyeglasses, only to discover he doesn't like what he sees.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Mama Cast
Doug decides to spend the Heffernans' tax refund on an ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Carrie fills in as a pretend mom at model homes, and discovers a reemergence of her maternal desires.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Home Cheapo
Carrie is convinced that Deacon and Kelly were only able to afford a vacation home by being cheap. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to help Spence get a new job.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
Affair Trade
Doug panics when he starts getting sexy phone messages meant for another Doug Heffernan, but Carrie doesn't seem to care. Meanwhile, Danny tries to force a wedge between Spence and a new lady friend.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
Offensive Fowl
Carrie soon grows tired of Doug's forcing his new vegetarian lifestyle down her throat. Meanwhile, Carrie's boss wants to start discussing novels with her, and Spence takes on some humiliating new jobs.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Rodent Like This, A
When a rat is discovered in the Brown home, Donna and the kids move out, leaving Cleveland to deal with the problem. But Cleveland discovers he likes living by himself and forms a friendship with the whiskered pest.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Don't Look a Smith Horse in the Mouth
When Francine demands that Stan get rid of his gas-guzzling SUV because it's draining the family of money, he hatches a plan with Roger at the local horse track to avoid giving up his ride. Meanwhile, it's up to Steve and his friends to help out an old friend.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Jones for a Smith, A
Stan puts down liberal social programs because he thinks they're a waste of money and gives Francine a hard time for lending a helping hand at the local homeless shelter. When Stan develops a nasty addiction and needs help, he suddenly has a change of heart.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
May the Best Stan Win
As Valentine's Day approaches, a cyborg version of Stan attempts to steal Francine away from Stan; Roger directs a shot-for-shot remake of the movie "The Goonies."
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Return of the Bling
Stan is appalled to discover that Roger - a "Miracle On Ice" hockey team member - used steroids; Hayley finds herself falling for Reginald.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Perfect Castaway, The
Choppy waters leave the guys stranded on a desert island during a fishing trip.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Parking Spot
When Schmidt discovers a previously unknown yet highly-coveted parking spot, Jess and the roommates battle it out to see who will get to use it. Meanwhile, Winston has a hard time finding a condom when he gets an impromptu invitation from Daisy.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Tinfinity
Jess catches the eye of a professional football player, with whom Winston landed an exclusive interview for his radio station. Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt argue over the planning of their "TinFinity" party celebrating their tenth anniversary of living together, and Cece gets a surprise offer.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Phoebe Runs, The
Chandler learns how obsessively neat Monica is when he attempts to do her a favor. Joey desperately tries not to flirt with his sexy new roommate (ELLE MACPHERSON).
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Ross's Teeth, The
The guys explore their femininity. Phoebe causes trouble when she kisses someone at Rachel's work.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With the Apothecary Table, The
Joey finally dates Janine (ELLE MACPHERSON), but she doesn't like his friends. Rachel worries that Phoebe won't appreciate the way she furnishes their apartment
TV-PG
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With The Joke, The
Ross and Chandler bicker over which of them created a raunchy joke. Phoebe antagonizes Monica and Rachel with her candor. Joey reluctantly takes a waiter job at Central Perk.
TV-PG
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Gum, The
Kramer complicates Jerry's quest to locate a special brand of Chinese gum.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Rye, The
George's and Susan's parents have dinner together for the first time.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Caddy, The
Kramer befriends a caddy (Armin Shimerman) who helps him improve his golf game.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Seven, The
Jerry's girlfriend (Lisa Deanne) wears the same dress; Elaine loses a bike to Kramer.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Herb Garden Germination, The
Sheldon and Amy decide to start rumors about themselves as a social test. Meanwhile, Howard takes his relationship with Bernadette to an even higher level.
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Agreement Dissection, The
Priya uses her legal expertise to rip apart Sheldon's roommate agreement, and the women take the flustered Sheldon out dancing.
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wildebeest Implementation, The
Raj makes an attempt to cure his phobia of talking to women; and Penny spies on Leonard and Priya with the help of Bernadette.
TV-14
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Engagement Reaction, The
Mrs. Wolowitz ends up in the hospital after Howard tells her he's marrying Bernadette. While there, Leonard stresses over Penny and Priya warming up to one another.
TV-14
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Roommate Transmogrification, The
In the 4th season finale, Raj moves in with Sheldon when Leonard & Priya's "Star Trek" bedroom fantasy is too much for him; and the guys tease Howard when Bernadette gets her PHD, making Howard the only one without a doctorate.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Skank Reflex Analysis, The
On the fifth season premiere, Penny worries that she's screwed things up permanently with her friends after her night with Raj, while Sheldon takes command of the paintball team.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5780
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Double Date
Jim and Pam are out of excuses so they have no choice but to go out with Michael and Helene. Meanwhile, Dwight is strangely doing nice things for everyone in the office.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5780
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Something Good Coming (Part 1 of 2)
TV-PG
2:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Murder
The entire office is preoccupied about rumors of Dunder Mifflin's bankruptcy. Michael tries to create a distraction by engaging everyone in murder-mystery game, but Jim wonders if that is a good idea.
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie
Source Code
When decorated soldier Captain Colter Stevens wakes up in the body of an unknown man, he discovers he''s part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. In an assignment unlike any he''s ever known, he learns he''s part of a government experiment called the "Source Code," a program that enables him to cross over into another man''s identity in the last 8 minutes of his life. With a second, much larger target threatening to kill millions in downtown Chicago, Colter re-lives the incident over and over again, gathering clues each time, until he can solve the mystery of who is behind the bombs and prevent the next attack.
TV-14
4:30 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2024
In part two of a two-part "America's Funniest Home Videos" series -- the top video "that changed the world" - the funniest, the strangest, most unusual video the show has received in its two decades on television is revealed.
TV-G
5:30 am
Married With Children
God's Shoes
When Al has a spiritual experience and sees "God's shoes," he makes it his mission to recreate - and promote - his heavenly vision.
TV-PG
 

Wednesday, September 16

6:00 am
Rules of Engagement
Audrey's Shower
TV-PG
6:30 am
Rules of Engagement
Liz Moves In
TV-PG
7:00 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood (1)
Armed with cable TV and a new remote control, Al is determined to stay on the couch until he finds something good to watch on television -- while Kelly's public access show becomes the hottest thing on cable.
TV-PG
7:30 am
Married With Children
Kelly Does Hollywood (2)
The Bundys' dream of fame and fortune remain just that after Kelly's popular local cable talk show is revamped for primetime by Hollywood network executive Jeff Littlehead.
TV-PG
8:00 am
Married With Children
Al Bundy, Shoe Dick
In a style reminiscent of the old Hollywood thriller, Al dreams he's a private eye who finds himself in the middle of a murder when he's hired by a femme fatale to protect her inheritance from her thieving family.
TV-PG
8:30 am
Married With Children
So This Is How Sinatra Felt
When Peg thinks Al's having an affair, she sends Kelly and Bud out to do some sleuthing, but no one is more shocked than Al to discover that a beautiful "shoe groupie" wants to try him on for size.
TV-PG
9:00 am
Married With Children
I Who Have Nothing
When Al decides to draw up a will and divide up his worldly belongings, he tracks down his old high school girlfriend, to whom he gave his most prized possession -- his football.
TV-PG
9:30 am
Married With Children
Mystery of Skull Island, The
While Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson play a New Age board game, Bud finds himself unable to say no to sexy Kara, even if it kills him.
TV-PG
10:00 am
King of Queens, The
Manhanttan Project
Carrie's ecstatic when an affordable apartment opens in Manhattan, but Doug's reluctant to leave Queens. Arthur meets singer Ava St. Clair.
TV-PG
10:30 am
King of Queens, The
Single Spaced
Seeing friends who recently had a child makes Doug and Carrie consider adopting.
TV-PG
11:00 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (1)
Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, as they ponder whether they have a future together. Arthur and Ava's wedding day turns problematic.
TV-PG
11:30 am
King of Queens, The
China Syndrome (2)
At Arthur's wedding reception, Doug and Carrie's marital tension continues, and they ponder whether they have a future together.
TV-PG
12:00 pm
Cleveland Show, The
Hangover Part Tubbs, The
Donna campaigns to be elected to the school board; Cleveland accidentally "kills" an opponent while playing "the Hurt Locker game;" Junior realizes he's an excellent driver.
TV-14
12:30 pm
American Dad
Cops and Roger
In an attempt to prove his manhood to Stan, Roger joins the Police Academy. But it's not very long until he becomes a corrupt cop.
TV-14
1:00 pm
American Dad
Merlot Down Dirty Shame
Complications ensue when Roger accompanies Francine to wine country; Klaus and Hayley trick Steve into believing he's dreaming when he's really awake.
TV-14
1:30 pm
American Dad
Bully for Steve
Stan becomes tired of Steve never standing up for himself. To help, he becomes a bully and picks on Steve. Meanwhile, Reginald finally asks Hayley out on a date.
TV-14
2:00 pm
American Dad
Incident at Owl Creek, An
Stan becomes the laughing stock of Langley Falls after he defecates in a swimming pool during a party.
TV-14
2:30 pm
Family Guy (DVS)
Fat Guy Strangler
Lois learns she has a brother she has never met (Robert Downey Jr.), so she brings him home from a mental institution to live with her family.
TV-14
3:00 pm
New Girl
Quick Hardening Caulk
Jess comes to a conclusion about her romantic feelings for Nick and she struggles to tell him until she's hopped up on pain medication. But after admitting her feelings, she finds out he may have been keeping something from her. Meanwhile, Schmidt becomes obsessed with buying a fish, which Winston sees as a metaphor for Schmidt's unresolved feelings toward Cece, and Nick plans a bar promotion to impress the bar owner.
TV-14
3:30 pm
New Girl
Chicago
When a death occurs in Nick's family, Jess, Schmidt and Winston travel with Nick to the Windy City to help him with the funeral preparations and meet his boisterous family members, including his mom, Bonnie; his younger brother, Jamie; and his Boston cousin, Bobby.
TV-14
4:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One With Rachel's Sister (Part 1), The
Rachel tries to help her pampered younger sister, Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON), find independence, but Jill flirting with Ross is not part of the plan. Monica won't admit that she is sick.
TV-PG
4:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One Where Chandler Can't Cry (Part 2), The
Rachel's sister Jill (REESE WITHERSPOON) wants Ross, but not for the reasons he thinks. Chandler astounds the others with his inability to express emotions. Is Phoebe starring in pornography LISA KUDROW plays a dual role.
TV-PG
5:00 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 1), The
The friends ponder what might have come to pass if each had taken a different path in life.
TV-14
5:30 pm
Friends (SAP)
One That Could Have Been (Part 2), The
In the speculative fantasy, Ross initiates romantic advances with his wife Carol (JANE SIBBETT); Chandler and Monica help each other overcome loneliness; Rachel learns the truth about her husband; and Phoebe sneaks out of the hospital.
TV-14
6:00 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac (Part 1), The
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
6:30 pm
Seinfeld
Cadillac (Part 2), The
Jerry surprises his parents (Barney Martin, Liz Sheridan) with a new Cadillac.
TV-PG
7:00 pm
Seinfeld
Shower Head, The
Jerry jokes about his uncle on television; Elaine fails a drug test; guest Jay Leno.
TV-PG
7:30 pm
Seinfeld
Doll, The
One of Susan's dolls looks like George's mother; Kramer turns pool shark; guest Kathy Griffin.
TV-PG
8:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Infestation Hypothesis, The
A battle of wills between Sheldon and Penny leaves Amy caught in the middle, while Leonard tries to spice up his long-distance relationship with Priya (AARTI MANN).
TV-14
8:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Pulled Groin Extrapolation, The
Attending a co-worker's wedding, Leonard and Amy (MAYIM BIALIK) get to know each other better, while Howard and Bernadette spend the weekend with Mrs. Wolowitz!
TV-PG
9:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Wiggly Finger Catalyst, The
When Raj is upset he's the only one of the four guys who's not in a relationship, Penny sets out to find the perfect date, introducing him to Emily, a girl he can actually talk to!
TV-PG
9:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Russian Rocket Reaction, The
Sheldon and Leonard get invited to a housewarming party at WIL WHEATON's house; while Howard gets an out-of-this-world opportunity!
TV-PG
10:00 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Rhinitis Revelation, The
Sheldon craves attention from his visiting mother.
TV-PG
10:30 pm
Big Bang Theory, The (DVS)
Good Guy Fluctuation, The
Sheldon tries to spook his friends on Halloween.
TV-14
11:00 pm
Conan (CC)
Episode 5781
TV-14
12:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Shareholder Meeting
Michael brings Dwight, Andy, and Oscar to NYC when he's being recognized at the Dunder Mifflin shareholder meeting as their top manager. Meanwhile, Jim has trouble getting the rest of the staff to believe he has the same authority as Michael.
TV-PG
12:30 am
Conan (CC)
Episode 5781
TV-14
1:30 am
Cougar Town (SAP)
Something Good Coming (Part 2 of 2)
TV-PG
2:00 am
Office, The (SAP)
Scott's Tots
A decade-old promise to pay college tuition for a bunch of children comes back to haunt Michael. With rumors of Dunder Mifflin going under dragging down the staff, Jim hopes an Employee of the Month award will raise spirits, unaware it's a ploy by Dwight to get him fired.
TV-PG
2:30 am
Movie (DVS)
Sorcerer's Apprentice, The
Balthazar Blake is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath. Balthazar can''t do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler, a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners pit their powers against those of the fiercest-and most ruthless-villains of all time. It''ll take all the courage Dave can muster to survive his training, save the city and get the girl as he becomes "The Sorcerer''s Apprentice."
TV-PG
5:00 am
America's Funniest Home Videos
AFHV #2101
Little bitty butter girl and 21 reasons to love AFV
TV-G